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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not drive kids to see dad?

91 replies

Mummsnett · 01/02/2022 10:27

I split with my partner of 8 years in October, we have 2 young kids, and they have remained with me in family home, which is in my name. He has moved two hours away with his sister, in the town where he also works.
I couldn't take anymore of being the facilitator and organiser of my partner as well as our kids, and feeling like he didn't do the same for me. The relationship was fine, but I felt lonely and the entire emotional, physical and logistical burden of family life fell to me. I'm much happier without him, as I feel like I can concentrate on myself and our kids without also having to look after him. That being said, I don't and have never claimed to want to parent our kids alone.

He has always had a "me first" perspective on life, and that was one of my biggest bug bears. Regardless of situation, he thinks of himself first, and others (including his kids) second.

Initially on breaking up he was sad, hopeful and angry, then reached acceptance and we managed to organise that he would come over during the week for a couple of nights, working from my home, to help with school pickups, dinners, bedtime routine etc. And then also weekends. During this time he slept in with the kids which they loved. Him being here was awkward for us both, but in a respectful way. It was short term until he gets the keys to his place which is ten minutes drive from here at the end of the month.

At the weekend however he suddenly cycled back to a place of anger and announced he won't be coming over either during the week or at weekends. Instead, he has told me I can drive to meet him halfway to his sisters an hour away to drop them off and pick them up again on the weekends.

On mulling this over I think it's unreasonable. I'm being left to look after the kids, deal with all logistics, meal times, bedtimes etc as well as working FT myself, and then I now have to drive two hours each way because he's not comfortable coming here anymore. I feel like he can decide he needs space but no consideration is given to me, I'm just expected to pick up the slack. I know I instigated the break up, but it's hard for both of us.

Help!
Am I being unreasonable saying to him that I won't drive the kids to meet him, and instead he can come here?
It's only for another month so I don't know if it's worth rocking the boat, or if I'm being a pushover.

OP posts:

Glitterygreen · 01/02/2022 14:57

I honestly can't believe how many people are saying OP shouldn't meet him halfway - how unreasonable.

I don't believe in the blame game as I don't think it's (usually) relevant to the children's welfare and is more about the wants of the adults...the most important thing is their continued relationship with both parents. But this dad didn't end the relationship? He has left his home and is temporarily staying with his sister. Surely meeting halfway is just the reasonable thing to do?

I would just agree with him that for the next month there will be no midweek visits, he'll have the kids every weekend/every other, and we'd meet halfway.

Glitterygreen · 01/02/2022 14:59

@Starlightstarbright1

I would also probably do it for the month though not every weekend..

I think you need a plan going forward.. You need some downtime with your child..Do you work weekends?

Is there possibly somewhere 40 minutes between the two you could suggest dropoff/ pick up.. that would save you some time/ expense but be giving something.

Also he should be paying maintenace but do bear in mind if you go to cms he will not be liable for half of childcare...

He is moving 10 minutes away after this month.

Starlightstarbright1 · 01/02/2022 15:01

yes I know that but the point is both parents should have some weekends.. It isn't clear if it is every weekend.

Glitterygreen · 01/02/2022 15:09

@Starlightstarbright1Tbh I'd say the best scenario would be he does have every weekend, only until he moves back, because the children won't be able to see him at all during the week with this new plan.

Then when he's back local it can go to every other weekend and dinner in the week, or whatever.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 01/02/2022 15:14

The op instigated the break up but why? im surprised the amount of people saying she instigated the break up so is somehow responsible - why did she want the relationship to end? Surely he has some accountability there. Also she's doing the parenting all mid week, I'm sure he could do an extra 2 hours travel to compensate for the fact she's doing 10 school runs, 5 dinners and all in between for mid week.

Chloemol · 01/02/2022 15:28

He moved, he dies the travelling for the next month until he gets his place if he doesn’t want to carry on as you are for that minth

Glitterygreen · 01/02/2022 15:40

But has he really 'moved'? . He's left the family home, which OP is in, and gone to stay with his sister until his new place comes through. Did he have any closer options?

I agree it doesn't really matter who ended the relationship but for this one month surely a bit of cooperation wouldn't go amiss? Especially as it is better for the children in the long run for them to see him elsewhere from their mum's house, as that will be the situation going forward.

FloBot7 · 01/02/2022 16:22

It sounds like he went to his sister's because he didn't have anywhere nearer. He's moving 10 minutes away very soon. I'd be inclined to put up with jt for a few weeks until he has his flat. When he's back living nearer you can come up with a fair arrangement and he'll be in a better place to compromise. If you start arguing about what's fair now he'll come to the table angry.

Justgettingbye · 01/02/2022 16:31

For the sake of a month I'd do it

Soontobe60 · 01/02/2022 16:43

@Ozanj

Tell him to take it to court and block him. For everyone’s sake court mandated access might be best

Sure, that’ll be great for the children!

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 01/02/2022 16:49

He is literally meeting you half way. And it sets a good example to your kids that sometimes we all need to compromise . For the sake of a couple of weeks I would agree to it. If you Are both finding it difficult would you consider family therapy - not for reconcile? But rather damage limitation?

blueluce85 · 01/02/2022 17:12

Hold on a second....so people are suggestion that the OP needs to consider the future of the coparenting and try to keep the peace.....where was that advice to her Ex when he suddenly decided that he didn't want to stay with his kids for the sake of an extra month????

sofakingcool · 01/02/2022 18:18

@AmandaHoldensLips

In my experience, the more you do, the more that will be expected of you. It's "wife work" and all the inconvenience of children is beneath him.

I have to say, this is my experience too, but then my ex is/was a knobhead who you gave an inch to and he took a mile. Always made me very cautious over what help I gave.

Saying that, I did help with travel, but only for DS's benefit as I thought his Dad would stop contact if I didn't. I tried hard to keep it on my terms though, I was doing him a favour (whilst he did little for me - no maintenance), so I tried to call the shots.

So my advice - if you think he won't try and take the Mickey, I'd meet half way. It's only a short time thing any way, and it's for the children's benefit. If you think there's any risk he could push more and more "you did it before, why not now" then be more cautious.

I was always advised that the moving parent should facilitate the transport, my job was to make sure Ds was available and not to stand in the way

RedCandyApple · 01/02/2022 19:33

@blueluce85

Would you like to stay in your exes house who broke up with you? That’s a very unusual set up, most people wouldn’t be able to do this.

blueluce85 · 01/02/2022 19:45

@redcandyapple they have been doing it for 3/4 months now and had 1 month to go....so yes I think it should continue for the sake of 1 month. He is now the one that hasn't considered the future of the coparenting relationship and has unilaterally decided to change the set up

RedCandyApple · 01/02/2022 19:48

[quote blueluce85]@redcandyapple they have been doing it for 3/4 months now and had 1 month to go....so yes I think it should continue for the sake of 1 month. He is now the one that hasn't considered the future of the coparenting relationship and has unilaterally decided to change the set up[/quote]
Well it’s an extremely unusual set up and most people don’t play sleep overs at their exes house and it always sounds like their was tension which isn’t good for the kids is it!

Jk987 · 01/02/2022 20:04

Can he book a family room in a Travelodge near you and have the kids bunk in with him? Will be fun for them with a nice brekky the next day.

Will avoid the bad atmosphere of being under the same roof.

onthinice · 01/02/2022 20:14

If its only for a month then why can't the status quo continue? By that I mean, it's not your problem he's changed his mind about coming to your house. His choices are either continue with the current arrangement for a few more weeks, or do lots of diving for a few more weeks. Do not drive half way, he moved there, he does the driving.

ButtockUp · 01/02/2022 20:22

Please don't use your children as pawns... when they're grown up, they may not forgive you.

Be the bigger person , always.

Aderyn21 · 01/02/2022 20:30

You are allowed to leave your relationship but parenting isn't something you should just be allowed to opt out of. By refusing to travel, he's throwing his toys out of the pram at the expense of his kids. He's only I. This situation on the first place because he was a rubbish partner and always put himself first, so no, I would not facilitate this!

Two hours in a car on a school night is too much imo. If he wants to see them at that time, then he needs to do the travelling for their sake. I would be inclined to meet him halfway every other weekend for his contact weekend with the dc.

TracyMosby · 01/02/2022 20:51

It is for one month. The shortest month of the year. Im sure the selfish manbaby can manage that drive for one month.

Give an inch with people who out others well below themselves and theyll take a mile.

2DogsOnMySofa · 01/02/2022 21:27

I think if you're feeling generous I'd offer to do it for the next month, this gives him plenty of time to sort what he needs to, I'd give him a date that you're stopping too.

You are doing all the parenting, all he has to do is drive for a period of time to see his dc, if he can't be arsed to do that, then that's his look out.

TurquoiseDragon · 01/02/2022 21:59

@Thelnebriati

So you couldn't take having to facilitate or organise him any more, that caused the split, he feels hurt, and then he demands you facilitate and organise him seeing his kids? He really isn't getting it, is he.

I appreciate the OP instigated the split, but if she caves and organises travel during the month, he'll drop stuff on her for ever more and expect her to deal with it.

What he's doing now, is an extention of the reasons she split from him.

GirlInACountrySong · 01/02/2022 22:22

do you REALLY want him in the car travelling that distance...potentially tired, not as alert as he should be....with your kids in the vehicle?

also, courts do not take the instant stance of he should do the travelling because he moved....they prefer to see you working together for the children

don't listen to the drivel on here....mumsnets reputation over kids/contact is shocking already

Aderyn21 · 01/02/2022 22:37

A court isn't going to make her drive for two hours in the week, when she is working ft.

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