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Original poster

To not drive kids to see dad?

91 replies

Mummsnett · 01/02/2022 10:27

I split with my partner of 8 years in October, we have 2 young kids, and they have remained with me in family home, which is in my name. He has moved two hours away with his sister, in the town where he also works.
I couldn't take anymore of being the facilitator and organiser of my partner as well as our kids, and feeling like he didn't do the same for me. The relationship was fine, but I felt lonely and the entire emotional, physical and logistical burden of family life fell to me. I'm much happier without him, as I feel like I can concentrate on myself and our kids without also having to look after him. That being said, I don't and have never claimed to want to parent our kids alone.

He has always had a "me first" perspective on life, and that was one of my biggest bug bears. Regardless of situation, he thinks of himself first, and others (including his kids) second.

Initially on breaking up he was sad, hopeful and angry, then reached acceptance and we managed to organise that he would come over during the week for a couple of nights, working from my home, to help with school pickups, dinners, bedtime routine etc. And then also weekends. During this time he slept in with the kids which they loved. Him being here was awkward for us both, but in a respectful way. It was short term until he gets the keys to his place which is ten minutes drive from here at the end of the month.

At the weekend however he suddenly cycled back to a place of anger and announced he won't be coming over either during the week or at weekends. Instead, he has told me I can drive to meet him halfway to his sisters an hour away to drop them off and pick them up again on the weekends.

On mulling this over I think it's unreasonable. I'm being left to look after the kids, deal with all logistics, meal times, bedtimes etc as well as working FT myself, and then I now have to drive two hours each way because he's not comfortable coming here anymore. I feel like he can decide he needs space but no consideration is given to me, I'm just expected to pick up the slack. I know I instigated the break up, but it's hard for both of us.

Help!
Am I being unreasonable saying to him that I won't drive the kids to meet him, and instead he can come here?
It's only for another month so I don't know if it's worth rocking the boat, or if I'm being a pushover.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 01/02/2022 12:12

In my experience, the more you do, the more that will be expected of you. It's "wife work" and all the inconvenience of children is beneath him.

Hb12 · 01/02/2022 12:12

Under the circumstances I would do it, with a strict time limit of the month. You are facilitating your kids seeing their dad, not helping him out. Once he is in his place he won't need to do it any more.

Dishwashersaurous · 01/02/2022 12:15

It's much better for the kids understand that things have changed, to not have him sleeping in your house.

Driving half way seems a sensible compromise

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 01/02/2022 12:19

@Mummsnett

Thank you all for your replies. They're very mixed, which reflects how I go back and forth in my thinking on this too.

He's not being deliberately mean and I won't be involving the courts. I recognise that he is having a difficult time adjusting to this new normal and this pattern of behaviour of him doing his own thing and relying on me to pick up the pieces is well established in our relationship.

So my problem is whether to disrupt it for what is a short term scenario, and potentially cause long term damage to our co parenting relationship, or do I just go with the flow and suck it up. Should I start this new part of our relationship with a shred of self respect and draw a line in the sand in how much I will/won't do?!

I'm leaning towards its easier to go with the flow and drive the distance for the next month, purely to keep the peace and because I'm thinking of our kids and how important it is for them to see him and to see us having a good relationship etc. If he's going to be uncomfortable in my home I don't want that negativity. But then I don't want this to continue with the kids growing up seeing one parent (the mother) being a pushover... Eurgh, it's so complex.

If I'm honest, you don't come across like a pushover. You own the house outright. You ended the relationship. You got to keep your normal, whereas his life his changed radically.

I don't think the kids would think that at all. They'd see that dad has had to move away for a month as he had little option and mum is being kind and helping him out.

My BILs wife left him a few years back. They were renting and she kept the house. He was fair away from his family as she wanted to move with hers years back. He had no friends locally.

She decided she'd had enough being with him for various reasons, not dissimilar to yours. His life was SHOOK. He was depressed for ages, really struggled to keep it together.

I know your husband wasn't pulling his weight but it's possible it wasn't intentionally. It doesn't excuse it, but it does mean that he may be very shocked and hurt right now.

Give him a break, help him out, and don't play on the mantra of you being the good Samaritan; it sounds like you didn't do too badly out of the split.

DDivaStar · 01/02/2022 12:21

Although technically he moved you instigated the split and this is a temporary arrangement to get him out of the family home as you've requested. He can't find somewhere to stay on your doorstep instantly. In this instance splitting the travel seems fair.

RedCandyApple · 01/02/2022 12:23

I don’t think your kids will think you are a push over I think you letting him sleep in your house says “push over” more Tbh and is confusing for the kids

MrsBertBibby · 01/02/2022 12:23

Given that this has come from him getting angry, I'd say no.

If he'd asked sensibly, I'd consider it, but in this situation you can't be rewarding his bad behaviour.

Dixiechickonhols · 01/02/2022 12:24

If it is just a month and there’s a week school holiday is there a compromise to be had. Eg he has them for longer stint over holiday to avoid some of the travelling.

MrsBertBibby · 01/02/2022 12:26

Also, there is no Court rule that the parent who moved must travel. Courts can and do expect both parents to help in travel where that is in the child's best interests.

Zilla1 · 01/02/2022 12:47

If it helps you feel better, could you see it as part and parcel of the deal for you to stay in the home, he had to move two hours away to stay with his sister until he enters accommodation closer to the DC. In that case, it might feel reasonable though I recognise if he has always prioritised himself over his DC which IMO is contemptible.

RandomMess · 01/02/2022 13:08

I would be very reluctant to set a precedence that you share the travelling whether it be an hour or 10 minutes because he has this history of expecting you to facilitate things. Also if you set a precedence and it ends up in court you could be stuck with it.

You start sharing it now and he may decide to stay out where he works and you are lumbered with carrying on.

I would offer to do it as a one off and he can have them EOW for now. After all you are doing the lions share of the work.

I

Cabbagepie · 01/02/2022 13:26

I think it is reasonable to share responsibility for transport for a month in these circumstances but wouldn't necessarily jump to his demand. Think what works best for you - meeting half way twice a week or one take and the other pickup - there are advantges and disadvantages to each.

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 01/02/2022 13:34

I think you’ve been very accommodating emotionally and literally! He’s had almost five months of this set up.
Now he’s lost his temper and has issued you a set of demands on an unidentified and unjustifiable basis.
Tell him he can have them for more time for a month to reflect the fact he didn’t want to continue with an arrangement which has worked well up until now.

If he doesn’t want to that’s his decision.

LittleOwl153 · 01/02/2022 13:44

I would have a think about how you want things to be when he moves back to the area - and look at implementing a path to that now.

You don't say what the current pattern is but is he expecting to have the kids every weekend? I would not want that as you get no down time with them. Perhaps the starting point is every other weekend?

Another thing to think about being February the kids will have half term in there somewhere. Could they go up to his sisters for a longer period over that time (where yes perhaps you share the travel) but that he comes down for another weekend (depending on when half term actually falls for you) before he moves - even if that means staying in a hotel or something?

EdHelpPls · 01/02/2022 13:46

I agree you should accommodate. My ex was similar to yours. He moved to a place that would take an hour and two buses to get to from mine as he can't drive. For my kids sake I drive them there and back every weekend (though it's only a 45 min return trip for me, but still 1.5 hours every weekend)
It irks me no end.

2 hours each way for your kids could be tough. I didn't see their ages but I wonder if instead he could have them the half term break instead of every weekend, just for this month? You drop them off on the Friday night/Saturday morning and he drops them home on Sunday afternoon the following week?

Unless you'd be concerned if he could manage them for a week, id say that could be in the kids best interests.

Singlebutmarried · 01/02/2022 13:47

Share the responsibility for the next month. But bay it back to him with,

So how do you see this working. Let me know what the arrangements are and we can go from there.

Ariela · 01/02/2022 13:51

Rather than it being about you and him make it about the kids. They won't want to spend 2 hours each way in the car in the week at least. Suggest a compromise that is for the kids benefit.

Tulips21 · 01/02/2022 13:54

I ended my relationship and moved 3hrs away where family live, as I couldnt afford to stay in our jointly owned house ( At the time it was in neg equity and so I simply left the house)

We have always met half way ,EOW.

As its only a month before your Ex dp moves , I'd just meet him half way but EOW?

Ginger1982 · 01/02/2022 13:55

I would meet halfway but, if not possible, suck it up for a month. He'll have no excuse when he lives 10 mins away.

TheRealityCheque · 01/02/2022 13:55

@Ozanj

Tell him to take it to court and block him. For everyone’s sake court mandated access might be best
What the absolute fuck?

And people wonder why this place has a bad reputation for being unhinged towards father's?

Chakraleaf · 01/02/2022 14:00

@Rainbowqueeen

The courts view is generally that the parent who moved should do the travelling.
Not true in my case.
AskingforaBaskin · 01/02/2022 14:06

Will he be contributing to fuel costs?
Your driving share is ferrying the kids to school, clubs, friends etc. How will he be contributing to that driving?

Original poster
Mummsnett · 01/02/2022 14:11

@AskingforaBaskin that's a good point actually. His fuel is covered by his employer (company car with expenses), mine isn't. And for this month that I'll have the kids without him being here, he's only paying his half of childcare, nothing more. So I'm also out of pocket that way.

We're both under financial pressure though so I'm not sure he can afford to pay anything more to me.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/02/2022 14:12

I would tell him that you can't afford it and suggest he has them for a long block over half term.

Starlightstarbright1 · 01/02/2022 14:18

I would also probably do it for the month though not every weekend..

I think you need a plan going forward.. You need some downtime with your child..Do you work weekends?

Is there possibly somewhere 40 minutes between the two you could suggest dropoff/ pick up.. that would save you some time/ expense but be giving something.

Also he should be paying maintenace but do bear in mind if you go to cms he will not be liable for half of childcare...

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