To not drive kids to see dad?

[Mummsnett]

I split with my partner of 8 years in October, we have 2 young kids, and they have remained with me in family home, which is in my name. He has moved two hours away with his sister, in the town where he also works.
I couldn't take anymore of being the facilitator and organiser of my partner as well as our kids, and feeling like he didn't do the same for me. The relationship was fine, but I felt lonely and the entire emotional, physical and logistical burden of family life fell to me. I'm much happier without him, as I feel like I can concentrate on myself and our kids without also having to look after him. That being said, I don't and have never claimed to want to parent our kids alone.

He has always had a "me first" perspective on life, and that was one of my biggest bug bears. Regardless of situation, he thinks of himself first, and others (including his kids) second.

Initially on breaking up he was sad, hopeful and angry, then reached acceptance and we managed to organise that he would come over during the week for a couple of nights, working from my home, to help with school pickups, dinners, bedtime routine etc. And then also weekends. During this time he slept in with the kids which they loved. Him being here was awkward for us both, but in a respectful way. It was short term until he gets the keys to his place which is ten minutes drive from here at the end of the month.

At the weekend however he suddenly cycled back to a place of anger and announced he won't be coming over either during the week or at weekends. Instead, he has told me I can drive to meet him halfway to his sisters an hour away to drop them off and pick them up again on the weekends.

On mulling this over I think it's unreasonable. I'm being left to look after the kids, deal with all logistics, meal times, bedtimes etc as well as working FT myself, and then I now have to drive two hours each way because he's not comfortable coming here anymore. I feel like he can decide he needs space but no consideration is given to me, I'm just expected to pick up the slack. I know I instigated the break up, but it's hard for both of us.

Help!
Am I being unreasonable saying to him that I won't drive the kids to meet him, and instead he can come here?
It's only for another month so I don't know if it's worth rocking the boat, or if I'm being a pushover.

I don’t know, but I get the feeling his sister is probably twittering in his ear about how it’s all unfair and he is taking the brunt of the work but you ended the relationship. Clearly reality doesn’t work that way and he needs to step up and parent.

He has thrown a tantrum about it and wants you to accommodate his needs… again. He is pushing the boundaries. Don’t get me wrong it’s ‘only’ a month, but it also sets the scene going forward.

But is it worth falling on your sword for?

I wondered if there was a girlfriend on the scene very unhappy that he is staying in your home hence the sudden change of attitude.

I honestly wouldn’t start a pattern that the courts would see as “normal” for you. Once you normalize it, you are probably stuck with it. It is also virtually impossible to get money from a feckless father if he doesn’t want to pay it, but your responsibilities to ensure that he still sees his kids will remain regardless. (In other words, you’d still be paying for petrol and wear and tear on your car, etc… and he could be paying fuck all.)

Enjoy the drive, knowing that the kids are safe with you in the car, and will chat on the way there - this is still quality time with you. Then enjoy a little 'me time' on the way back home and stop off at late-night shops, such as Next / Tesco etc and have a browse. Every cloud...

Don't do it as it sets you up to then continue, in his eyes, DCs eyes, courts eyes.

Say 'no' now.

In court my exH (and exH's solicitor) wanted me to pick up DCs from school and my exH pick them up from me on a day I had an opportunity for more work (increase my income) and my exH did not want to pay maintenance for that day. I said no I would be working he'd have to arrange afterschool club and collect. The court agreed with me as I was clear that I could not run around for exH.

I’d probably do it once. I’d say I spend all week driving the children around, are we going to work out a schedule when you move back to share that more? I don’t really have anything more to spare for petrol, but I could stretch to do the drive halfway for one of the weekends since it’s just a month. Then we can do a better contact plan once you’re closer and can contribute more to their lives on a regular basis.

IT sounds like he was happy to effectively babysit his kids in the family home, where (presumably) they were eating OP's food and she would be left with tidying/laundry etc.
He can't be bothered to do proper parenting at his sister's house so is throwing in the travel in the hope that OP will capitulate and allow him to carry on as before.

Am I being cynical? Cos that's what it looks like to me.

[quote Mummsnett]@AskingforaBaskin that's a good point actually. His fuel is covered by his employer (company car with expenses), mine isn't. And for this month that I'll have the kids without him being here, he's only paying his half of childcare, nothing more. So I'm also out of pocket that way.

We're both under financial pressure though so I'm not sure he can afford to pay anything more to me.[/quote]
But it means you can’t afford to drive the kids to him, so don’t.

You owe him nothing.

@DaggerIsle

IT sounds like he was happy to effectively babysit his kids in the family home, where (presumably) they were eating OP's food and she would be left with tidying/laundry etc. He can't be bothered to do proper parenting at his sister's house so is throwing in the travel in the hope that OP will capitulate and allow him to carry on as before.

Am I being cynical? Cos that's what it looks like to me.

You’re not being cynical, I bet you’re right.

Holskey

I think you're being unfair. The burden of facilitating shared-parenting shouldn't just be his alone.

He's obviously hurt and therefore shouldn't be staying at your home with you. Given he has actually arranged accommodation nearby, presumably for the sake of the kids, and is only so far away because he is staying with family in the meantime, I think splitting the travel is the only decent thing to do.

You can't break up with him, then expect him to stay with you, and consider him selfish for not wanting to do so. You should both facilitate the shared-parenting and split the driving.“

Agree with this. It’s a month.

@MrsSkylerWhite

Holskey

I think you're being unfair. The burden of facilitating shared-parenting shouldn't just be his alone.

He's obviously hurt and therefore shouldn't be staying at your home with you. Given he has actually arranged accommodation nearby, presumably for the sake of the kids, and is only so far away because he is staying with family in the meantime, I think splitting the travel is the only decent thing to do.

You can't break up with him, then expect him to stay with you, and consider him selfish for not wanting to do so. You should both facilitate the shared-parenting and split the driving.“

Agree with this. It’s a month.

So what is his contribution to parenting? School run, feeding, clubs, friends, refereeing, homework, admin and many many others. While OP is doing all the parenting he needs to do one thing. She is doing her share.

She initiated the split. He stayed with a sister while arranging a more permanent solution, close to the children. In those circumstances, a month of meeting halfway or OP dropping off/ex bringing seems reasonable.

I expect he’s got a new girlfriend and she doesn’t like him staying at yours.
He’s had it easy up til now. Staying at yours, not paying for their food, heating, having sleep overs in their bedrooms. None of the clearing up and laundry and general upkeep of kids.
However having said all that on the strict understanding it is only for one month. I’d meet him halfway.

@MrsSkylerWhite

She initiated the split. He stayed with a sister while arranging a more permanent solution, close to the children. In those circumstances, a month of meeting halfway or OP dropping off/ex bringing seems reasonable.

And he was useless so it's on him. Just because she called it quits does not mean she owes him anything. That's the point of the split.

She is now taking on all the parenting. She has said money is tight. So that's it. If she can't afford it it can't be done.
He can either do it or just FaceTime the kids until he moves.

And he was useless so it's on him.
Just because she called it quits does not mean she owes him anything. That's the point of the split.

She is now taking on all the parenting. She has said money is tight. So that's it. If she can't afford it it can't be done.
He can either do it or just FaceTime the kids until he moves.“

My concern would be that the kids saw their dad (assuming they want to).
At this point, who did this or that, who it’s “on” is pretty irrelevant to them.

I’d temporarily do what I could to help set the tone for future relations and with the kids interests in mind. None of this is “on” them. Obviously, reassess if it continued for longer than the promised month.

Each to their own, though.

My advice (based on the update you've provided regarding costs for fuel etc.) would be to tell him that the children will be at X location (say a play centre near where you live) on Saturday morning and he can meet you there.
You will not be driving them to a mid-way point because he decided to move. His company pays for his fuel so he can drive to collect them. That's what I would suggest.