Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you lose weight do you want people to comment on your weight loss?

105 replies

Starryskiesinthesky · 01/02/2022 01:19

I am someone who doesnt tend to notice weight too much unless someone loses loads and I then notice, or gains loads, again making it noticable.

A friend from work used to get upset that i hadnt commented on her weight loss whereas I just tend not to make personal comments.

Am i being unreasonable to not comment on someones weight loss?

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 01/02/2022 09:12

Be yourself and if you don't normally comment on these things don't. This is her issue not yours.

If she raises it simply say you did notice and she is looking great. If she pushes, just say you don't like make unsolicited comments on peoples weight.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/02/2022 09:12

RampantIvy

Only on MN do I see people being offended by being complimented on their appearance.“

Saw a friend in our hometown a few years ago, hadn’t seen her for some years. “My good, you’re so thin” was her greeting.

Further on in the conversation, I mentioned my recent cancer treatment and the poor woman looked like she was waiting for the pavement to open up and swallow her.

Didn’t bother me, actually, made me laugh and I told her not to be daft. Not everyone would take it as a ”compliment”, though.

AlexaShutUp · 01/02/2022 09:14

@RampantIvy

Only on MN do I see people being offended by being complimented on their appearance.
Perhaps because people are too polite in rl to say when they don't like it?
LindaEllen · 01/02/2022 09:17

I will comment if it's clear the person is happy/proud about their weight loss and if they've been trying to do so, and it's a healthy weight loss.

I won't comment if I'm not sure they've been trying to lose weight, or if they have been trying to lose too much etc - that's encouraging ED habits.

But if someone has made positive steps to improve their health I'll absolutely mention it. It's not easy!

Hardtofindafreename · 01/02/2022 09:20

I recently lost quite a bit of weight. Definitely noticable and I have been happy when people commented but I've not really cared if people didn't comment. Some people are afraid to comment, they thought I was ill. Not everyone "sees" things the same way either. One of my better friends said she never saw me as heavy previously, she just saw me as me and I'm still me. I thought it was a great reply tbh.

Exhausteddog · 01/02/2022 09:22

I interpret "you look well" as "you've put on a few pounds"
I dont know if everyone does...? I used to have an ED so the you look well comments started when I was in recovery and putting on weight mainly on my face

PurpleDaisies · 01/02/2022 09:24

@Exhausteddog

I interpret "you look well" as "you've put on a few pounds" I dont know if everyone does...? I used to have an ED so the you look well comments started when I was in recovery and putting on weight mainly on my face
“You look well” means “you’ve got fat” here too.
Zazdar · 01/02/2022 09:37

I would hate "have you lost weight?" - that sounds like the sort of thing people say as a fake compliment.

A colleague said that to me once.

It wasn’t a fake compliment. I’m now married to him.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 01/02/2022 09:42

@Exhausteddog

I interpret "you look well" as "you've put on a few pounds" I dont know if everyone does...? I used to have an ED so the you look well comments started when I was in recovery and putting on weight mainly on my face

I've never heard that! I say it when I think people look good, regardless of their weight tbh.

yikesanotherbooboo · 01/02/2022 09:52

I don't think you should make personal comments particularly without knowing that it will be welcome.
Mentioning weight loss might imply that there is personal value in being slimmer.
Now that you know she wants you to say something I think it is acceptable but otherwise imo it isn't.

ABitBesottedWithMyDog · 01/02/2022 10:00

It's rude to comment in general.

I would find a colleague sulking at not getting compliments wearisome in the extreme.

SartresSoul · 01/02/2022 10:01

I lost 7 stone a few years ago in a year and I personally hated people commenting on it. I don’t really seek attention and I’m quite a private person so I just wanted to be left alone.

merryhouse · 01/02/2022 10:12

Some years back one of my sisters (I see them a few times a year normally) commented on my minor weight loss and added "you always were the slimmest of us".

A few years later I realised that was the point at which I started to put on weight again...

Just before Christmas I saw a different sister, who said "have you got Even Slimmer?" The answer was yes, mildly (BMI 26/7 down to 24.5) over a long period mostly by increased activity.

I felt slightly embarrassed and mildly judged.

(I never talk about weight)

Crazycrazylady · 01/02/2022 10:15

Honestly I never minded when people have said to me that I had lost weight. Normally o have to kill myself to lose anything so it gives me a boost if I feel that it's working enough for people to notice .
I'm not skinny though so that's probably the difference

Nomoreusernames1244 · 01/02/2022 10:48

No. I never say anything unless people are actively talking about their weight loss. Then “you look great”.

I have some weird thing going on where if ever i see someone after a while they always ask if i’ve lost weight. My weight was steady for years, so I can only think that in their heads they saw me as fat, and seeing me in real life their mental image of me doesn’t match up, iyswim.

So everytime someone says “have you lost weight” i think that no, i haven’t and people must just associate me with being overweight.

Cuzco · 01/02/2022 10:56

I lost 18kg during mat leave. I was very overweight so not exactly a skinny bean when I returned to work, but it was noticeable. I really liked it when colleagues complimented me. Most were indirect 'nice to see you again, you look great' and a couple of closer colleagues were more direct about it being weight loss.

I wouldn't comment on minor fluctuations or if someone looked unwell on it, but if someone's made a lot of effort then it's good to hear it can be seen.

PitchImperfect · 01/02/2022 11:19

I was never particularly bothered by how much I weighed until I started going to the gym. I wasn't overweight & only started going to be healthy but I did lose maybe half a stone which was apparently noticeable enough for people to comment on it. With most people I'd smile politely but a couple of people would comment on it every time I saw them. It was always them trying to be nice but I started to feel pressured & it upset me that I was starting to care about what I looked like, having got through the previous 30 years without it being an issue.

I stopped going to the gym because of those people. That was a couple of years ago & I'm now back to being, and feeling, unhealthy but not particularly overweight. I miss how I felt in myself when I was getting regular exercise but the comments were so damaging to my mental health that I won't be going back any time soon.

Lamujere · 01/02/2022 11:56

Depends on the reason for the weight loss. A few years ago I lost quite a substantial amount of weight. I was going through a very traumatic period in my life which I could not discuss with people for legal reasons. I got so sick of people commenting on how 'lucky' I was. I felt dreadful, physically and mentally and not lucky at all. Thankfully, that is behind me now. I have gained just over 2 stone and feel great.

RampantIvy · 01/02/2022 12:45

I interpret "you look well" as "you've put on a few pounds"

No it doesn't, it just means that you look great, especially if you have suffered an ED it probably really does mean that you look well.

I think anyone who thinks "you look well" means anything other than that must have self esteem issues.

I actually don't comment on people's weight loss because I know from mumsnet that it isn't the the done thing. Also, I don't have friends who have lost a significant amount of weight.

If I pay a compliment to someone it is usually "that colour really suits you" or "I like your hair", if they have just been to the hairdresser. If someone takes offence at those kind of comments then they really are the professionally offended.

52andblue · 01/02/2022 12:52

@KohlaParasaurus

I try to avoid commenting on anyone else's body size unless it's professionally relevant and have a special horrified look for anyone who does it to me.
Me too: I wish everyone felt that way!
PurpleDaisies · 01/02/2022 13:00

No it doesn't, it just means that you look great, especially if you have suffered an ED it probably really does mean that you look well

I think anyone who thinks "you look well" means anything other than that must have self esteem issues.

I’m sorry, but it really does depend on where you live. Round here it’s a definite euphemism for “you’ve put weight on”. That might mean someone looks better too, but you can’t unilaterally declare what a phrase means in all parts of the uk.

Crimeismymiddlename · 01/02/2022 13:01

I tend to go by the rule that if a person is talking a lot about how they are on a diet and losing weight they want you to notice and complement them and if they never mention the subject they don’t.
I am in the process of losing a significant amount of weight and for the first 8 months did not mention it at all, two people noticed and asked about it and I just said I was focusing on my health. Then I made the mistake of telling one person at work, after hitting a particularly pleasing milestone that I had been doing slimming world and had lost x amount. Of course that’s all anyone talks to me about now and after a few months of me being a bit vague it has only just died done-that and I have not lost anymore!

YouBelongHere · 01/02/2022 15:54

YANBU - I wasn't trying to lose weight and I remember walking across the office and a colleague called me over and asked "Have you lost weight? It looks like you have, you can tell. Well done!" I know she was only being nice but it made me feel self-concious.

It depends on the context though sometimes. I remember joining a zumba class as a teenager and three older ladies commented to me one week that I was doing well and you could see the effort was working which I didn't mind too much.

At the moment I'm trying to lose weight and I would feel a bit rubbish if someone said something even if it was positive. Comments like 'you look so good now!' imply I looked bad before and it just feels a bit weird.

MrsTidyHouse · 01/02/2022 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gianttoblerone1 · 01/02/2022 16:04

Sudden weight loss was the start of my mental health breakdown and I really struggled with all the 'compliments' from near strangers.