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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you lose weight do you want people to comment on your weight loss?

105 replies

Starryskiesinthesky · 01/02/2022 01:19

I am someone who doesnt tend to notice weight too much unless someone loses loads and I then notice, or gains loads, again making it noticable.

A friend from work used to get upset that i hadnt commented on her weight loss whereas I just tend not to make personal comments.

Am i being unreasonable to not comment on someones weight loss?

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 01/02/2022 07:49

Have a SIL whom I see rarely, but whenever I do, comments that I've put on a lot for weight (she takes about a dress size 30, or did the last time I was aware, think she is larger since then).

Other than that, no one comments on my weight - last time that I lost a lot (about 3 stone), people did, but mostly close friends that knew I'd been trying REALLY hard to lose weight.

Wouldn't expect/like comments from colleagues unless it was someone I was reasonably close friend with beyond work and they knew I'd but a lot of effort in.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 01/02/2022 07:49

It completely depends on the person commenting. If in doubt don't, or do so in a way that doesn't require much response.

I lost 7 stone and didn't want comments at first but liked some people's comments once Id lost a really hard to miss amount.

I would hate "have you lost weight?" - that sounds like the sort of thing people say as a fake compliment.

I don't mind people who are also very overweight asking for advice though - the biggest compliment is that three colleagues who asked how I did it asked, did the same and in one case has now lost even more than I have! A couple of others started but gave up which is fair enough.

Actually I think I don't really appreciate comments from people who've always been slim even now I'm slim. Its hard not to sound patronising if it's not something you've ever needed to do.

picklemewalnuts · 01/02/2022 07:50

@Blossomtoes

You are telling them they are a better person for being slimmer. Which is going to contribute anxiety if they ever put any weight back on, and also tell other bigger people who hear you that that they are worth less

Since when has body weight been equated with moral value? Sometimes I read MN and I feel like Alice in Wonderland.

It really feels like that, though. 'Well done, you've stopped being a greedy, lazy arse and started being a responsible, self controlled person".

It partly depends on who is speaking, but some people seem to be congratulating you on joining the socially acceptable crowd.

Ragwort · 01/02/2022 07:50

Someone once bluntly asked me if I was terminally ill after I'd lost a lot of weight.

Another 'acquaintance' said something like 'oh you do look lovely', then obviously realised how rude that sounded and blustered about saying 'of course you've always looked lovely'.

Ragwort · 01/02/2022 07:52

Until that's a very good point, I don't want comments from naturally slim people as that sounds so condescending sometimes.... but if someone struggles with their weight and has an honest conversation with me that seems different.

Deliaskis · 01/02/2022 07:54

When I lost weight I had colleagues and friends tell me I liked great. I could have sat alone in an empty room for a decade and it wouldn't have occurred to me to think it was a back handed way of saying I looked shite before, they were people I knew well and some if whom were good friends, they were being supportive.

Having said that I don't comment on anyone weight loss because as illustrated here it's a very sensitive subject!

Beautiful3 · 01/02/2022 07:55

Yew.

misspercy · 01/02/2022 08:03

If they've lost weight and look well/happy then you can say something. If they've lost weight and look miserable, there's a strong possibility either they're ill, or a loved one is ill and they're really stressed and unhappy.

Also, you need to have some sort of relationship. If you'd have a chat at the coffee machine, fine. If you've never spoken to the other person before - especially if you're not the same gender - probably creepy rather than nice.

discocake · 01/02/2022 08:10

YANBU. I think it's a bit of a minefield. If someone said they had been trying to lose weight I might say they're looking well but I doubt I'd say it to anyone unprompted.

madisonbridges · 01/02/2022 08:11

But the op said A friend from work used to get upset that i hadnt commented on her weight loss

This wasn't a random person that she didn't know. Or someone that had liver failure. Or someone mourning the death of their mother. This was a friend who had made an effort to lose weight and who wanted to be given a pat on the back. Isn't that what friends do, encourage and give praise? Although maybe not mumsnet friends.

thebakeoffwasntasgoodthisyear · 01/02/2022 08:21

No. I once lost a load of weight and a colleague said “wow you look amazing, you used to be massive.” I’ve since put it all back on again so am not presumably massive again.

It’s incredibly rude to voice opinion on other people’s bodies, unless invited to do so.

thebakeoffwasntasgoodthisyear · 01/02/2022 08:21

*now

Flutterflybutterby · 01/02/2022 08:24

Yes, I love it Grin

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 01/02/2022 08:24

I do think it’s rude to mention someone’s weight unless it is someone close in which case I have said - you look well, or your the picture of health or something.

PurpleDaisies · 01/02/2022 08:25

If I knew someone was working hard to lose weight and I could see it was working, I would say so. Otherwise, absolutely not. You don’t know why someone has lost weight. My friend kept getting comments about how good she looked when she lost three stone. She has terminal cancer.

DillonPanthersTexas · 01/02/2022 08:35

If you see someone frequently it is sometimes more difficult to spot gradual weight loss. When I took up rowing and dropped about 12kg over several months the only people who noticed were friends I see a few times a year. I guess it was nice to be noticed but I was not seeking or expecting compliments.

JeanGabin · 01/02/2022 08:37

I've lost 4 stone in the past year primarily for health reasons rather than appearance. Ive had quite a lot of comments - all welcome from colleagues / friends who know it's due to fitness rather than illness. I get quite a bit of "have you changed your hair?" or "you look great"

I guess it depends a little on the person, but I think I'd be a bit disappointed if no one commented!

AlexaShutUp · 01/02/2022 08:39

Personally, I would prefer you to pretend that you have never noticed my weight, whether it has gone up, down or stayed the same. It is my personal business and I have no wish to discuss it with anyone.

If you think I have lost weight and I'm looking good for it, please just tell me that I look well! It is so much less intrusive!

ahcmonnow · 01/02/2022 08:49

I would be delighted if someone noticed! Would spur me on to keep going. The fact is, I DO look better when I lose weight and I know that.
If I was to notice someone had worked hard with weight loss and lost weight I would tell them they looked great without mentioning weight.

MatildaTheCat · 01/02/2022 09:01

I lost a stone last year which is more than 10% of my weight. So while I wasn’t fat before it was a noticeable amount ( of lockdown) weight.

Not one single person noticed or commented which felt a bit sad since losing that stone was pretty bloody hard work.

PrettyBluebells · 01/02/2022 09:02

I lost 3st last year, I don't want people I don't know well to comment. I especially don't want gushing comments or anyone commenting loudly. I don't want questions about how much I've lost or how I have done it.

At work I don't like comments, although I lost over lockdown and expected some the first time I saw them, I prepared myself and it was all over quite quickly, thank goodness. The only comment I hated was from a woman I barely know "don't lose anymore, you'll have no tits left", said very loudly in the canteen queue.cue everyone staring at my aforementioned tits.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/02/2022 09:04

No, unless you’re certain someone has deliberately lost weight and likes it to be acknowledged.

RampantIvy · 01/02/2022 09:05

Only on MN do I see people being offended by being complimented on their appearance.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 01/02/2022 09:08

Don't comment on colleagues or acquaintances weight loss, as you say it could be for unhappy reasons.

It's nice if close friends say "you look well / fit etc." but I don't need or seek it out.

PrettyBluebells · 01/02/2022 09:09

@RampantIvy

Only on MN do I see people being offended by being complimented on their appearance.
I bet many people in your life don't like it but put on a smiling face when it is said. I smile and thank everyone. Depending on the person and how they say it, I'm either happy or cringing inside but you'd never see the difference in my face.