Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you lose weight do you want people to comment on your weight loss?

105 replies

Starryskiesinthesky · 01/02/2022 01:19

I am someone who doesnt tend to notice weight too much unless someone loses loads and I then notice, or gains loads, again making it noticable.

A friend from work used to get upset that i hadnt commented on her weight loss whereas I just tend not to make personal comments.

Am i being unreasonable to not comment on someones weight loss?

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 01/02/2022 06:47

So her friends lied to her @Newrunner29, that’s a very good reason not to comment. Mine didn’t, I was fat as a fat thing and I needed to lose weight and the compliments helped.

Darbs76 · 01/02/2022 06:49

I think most people do want people to comment as it confirms to them that they are losing enough for people to notice. Other people don’t want people to comment on their bodies, so it’s tricky. I don’t want people to comment as people always say I’m too thin and don’t need to lose weight, but I carry all my weight on my stomach and the only way to get that down is to lose weight

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 01/02/2022 07:00

I hate comments about my appearance at all times. The 'oh you're looking amazing ' translates to me as 'you looked a pile of shite before but we didn't say anything.' All comments, good and bad mean your appearance is being judged by someone. It's an uncomfortable concept. It also makes you feel obliged to talk about it when you don't necessarily wish to.

madisonbridges · 01/02/2022 07:14

If I know someone is trying to lose weight, of course I say something. It's almost rude not too. I know when I'm dieting and someone notices, it feels great. If you go on one of the diet threads on here, posters say they've lost weight, and they don't get ignored, they're congratulated. As far as I know no one was upset or burst into tears for being congratulated but I suppose it's possible. Equally if people ignore people who have lost weight, you might upset or make them cry too.

I've lost 15lbs so far. If anyone would like too gush over me, I'm here for it. Wink

MangoM · 01/02/2022 07:17

... further to my previous comment, that's why I wouldn't comment on anyone's weight unless they mention it or you already know that's their aim.

Lemons1571 · 01/02/2022 07:19

I’ve lost over half my body weight since 2020. Had lots of all of the above comments, and also some people who didn’t like to mention it.

I didn’t mind any of them really. What I did object to were the people (and there were a surprising number of them) who asked how I did it, I replied “a meal replacement plan”, and they’d mostly reply “eeeew yuck I couldn’t do that”, “that can’t be healthy” (yeah cos being bmi 40 is so good for you) or “I don’t like milkshake” (as if there were no other options/variety available on a modern meal replacement plan Hmm).

Don’t comment people. Saying you look great is innocuous and acknowledges the change. Slagging off how it was achieved is rude.

MangoM · 01/02/2022 07:22

@MangoM

... further to my previous comment, that's why I wouldn't comment on anyone's weight unless they mention it or you already know that's their aim.
Oh bum. I didn't actually post anything first time.

I've been a consistently healthy weight most of my life but a few years ago I had an awful flare up (ulcerative colitis) that I was struggling to manage. I clearly looked unwell and underweight. But that was when I received my first and only compliment about my weight. They asked what my secret was. I was feeling pretty grumpy that day and upset about being unwell for so long that I ended up mumbling something along the lines of 'well that's what happens when you have the shits and bleed out of your arse for six months straight'. She wasn't too know, but her intended compliment made me feel even worse than I already did Sad

MedusasBadHairDay · 01/02/2022 07:23

I think commenting on weight loss is a bad move.

A) Because you don't necessarily know how they are losing the weight. If it's disordered eating then you are just encouraging self harm. If it's illness then you are dismissing their health.

B) You are telling them they are a better person for being slimmer. Which is going to contribute anxiety if they ever put any weight back on, and also tell other bigger people who hear you that that they are worth less.

Hippywannabe · 01/02/2022 07:29

I am 5 stones and 2 lbs down since mid September. I recently met up with a close friend that I hadn't seen since then and she made no mention of it, we had been talking non stop for a few hours and it wasn't till I got home that I realised she hadn't said anything.
She has seen me go up and down by a couple of stones multiple times and I wonder if over the 30 years she has known me, if she literally just sees me as a person rather than me as a body.
Likewise, I work in a school and had the same class last year, none of those children or their parents have said anything, again-maybe because they see me every day, they have just absorbed the losses.
Don't get me wrong, I have had people notice and say positive things!

ClariceQuiff · 01/02/2022 07:29

I think it's better to open with a more general comment, such as 'you look great!' If your friend then mentions intentional weightloss you can go on to say something more specific.

Luredbyapomegranate · 01/02/2022 07:30

No. I think if it became a habit NOT to comment on people’s bodies that would be a good thing.

Couple of days back the actor Nicola Couglan (Bridgerton, Derry Girls) asked politely on Twitter for people to stop sharing thoughts on her body (she would conventionally be described as overweight), as it was hard for her to manage. It is.

RampantIvy · 01/02/2022 07:30

'oh you're looking amazing ' translates to me as 'you looked a pile of shite before but we didn't say anything.'

This is a typical mumsnet comment. Paying someone a compliment is such a minefield on mumsnet because far too many posters overthink it and are way too easily offended.

Surely, we all have days when we feel better about the way we look, and in general most people like to be complimented on it. So, why do some people think a compliment has to be a back handed "you looked shit before"?

Are these people with self esteem issues?

Momijin · 01/02/2022 07:32

Some do and some don't. I don't mind either way.

HuntingoftheSnark · 01/02/2022 07:32

Unless it's a huge amount, I don't notice weight loss and can't imagine commenting on it. I have a friend whose weight (she tells me) fluctuates quite a bit. Some time ago, a mutual friend came over to us (in a large group of people) and greeted her with "Hi X, how are you? You've put on a fair bit again, haven't you?" I was astonished at his rudeness and asked her afterwards if she was ok. She shrugged and said she likes people noticing when she's lost weight, so has to accept comments when the reverse is true.

This made me even more sure that commenting on weight is not appropriate. Saying that someone looks nice, happy, etc is fine.

Luredbyapomegranate · 01/02/2022 07:33

…. BTW if someone has told you they are loosing weight, that’s different. It’s polite to acknowledge that.

ginabe · 01/02/2022 07:34

It really upset me when people kept commenting on weight loss to me, when it was because of serious health stuff. So now I never do (but had never thought of it from that angle before it happened to me so I know that people aren't meaning to be upsetting)

MsMeNz · 01/02/2022 07:34

Yes I lived it made me feel good I once lost 5 stone and it gave me a boost.

What I hated though is when people say oh ahve you lost a but if weight? When you haven't so really make sure the person you compliment has definitely lost some and also try and know if they were trying hard to... It could have been from stress or an illness.

picklemewalnuts · 01/02/2022 07:36

I've lost almost 6 stone, and I wish people could find something else to talk about.

It's like when you are 38 weeks pregnant and all anyone ever says for the next month is
'not long now/how long have you got to go/is that a football team/don't have it here.....'

I am not more virtuous, harder working, cleverer etc than I was 6 stone ago.

What you can say:
You look lovely!
That's a gorgeous skirt!
I love your shoes etc.

They work regardless of the weight loss/gain!

She may well be relying on nice comments to keep her motivated.

NewYearEveryYear · 01/02/2022 07:36

As someone who lost a lot of weight, I disliked people commenting directly on it. I didn't mind compliments, but prefer vague ones 'you look good' etc.

I felt kinda embarrassed at the idea that everyone knew I was actively trying to lose weight.

Blossomtoes · 01/02/2022 07:37

You are telling them they are a better person for being slimmer. Which is going to contribute anxiety if they ever put any weight back on, and also tell other bigger people who hear you that that they are worth less

Since when has body weight been equated with moral value? Sometimes I read MN and I feel like Alice in Wonderland.

NewYearEveryYear · 01/02/2022 07:38

PS but no pressure to pass any sort of personal comments at all, that's entirely up to you! So YANBU.

Rubyupbeat · 01/02/2022 07:38

I usually tell people they look well.
But some I know have lost a lot of weight and I will congratulate them. Not everyone feels you are saying they looked shit before or weren't attractive. I am recognising their achievement and would be happy for others to do the same.

Ragwort · 01/02/2022 07:40

No, I hate people commenting on my weight ... it is just so personal and as if they are judging me on my appearance rather than the person I am. My weight fluctuates a lot, I can lose weight very easily if I put my mind to it and of course I know it is so much better for my health and general well being etc etc but sometimes I just can't be bothered to eat sensibly and I put the weight back on. But it is nothing to do with anyone else and I hate it if people comment. If I hear the phrase 'you're looking great, have you lost weight?' I hear 'because you were fat before'. Why comment?

JeeezLouise · 01/02/2022 07:46

From a school mum I didn't know very well: "Wow, you've lost a STACK of weight!". She may as well have said "My God, you were obese before!". It did not make me feel good, and the previous weight gain was due to medication I was on which I didn't want to discuss as it was none of her business.

Another time someone said approvingly how thin I was, but the weight loss was because I was going through a very difficult time with a child's health diagnosis.

Oh yes, I just remembered another - I had just had the flu and someone said how my jeans were hanging off me! Also did not make me feel good!

YANBU

ditavonteesed · 01/02/2022 07:48

It's complicated, I like people I'm close to to comment but I hate it when people I don't know we'll do, and it does seem to be all people can say to me, like all other conversation has disappeared.