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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I devastated by my 26 yr old daughters tattoos

999 replies

Choclover27 · 31/01/2022 23:19

Yup. I hate them. Today she showed me her new ‘sleeve’. It’s big black bold and bloody awful. She already has numerous tattoos and they’re getting bigger each time. She seems addicted. I don’t like tattoos. I don’t have to like them. That’s my choice. I’ve cried over it/her in private ! I’ve read up about parents reactions to our kids tattoos. And we are supposed to be happy that they are expressing themselves. But I’m struggling with that. I was ok with a few, ok with all the piercings… but the sleeve is too far. In my opinion. Does anyone else feel like me or am I the bitch mother from hell?

OP posts:
impossible · 01/02/2022 18:38

You sound like a lovely mum. It's hard when dcs do things to their bodies you don't feel comfortable with, no matter how old they are.

As you say, you can give your opinion and cry in private but your relationship with your dd is clearly strong so that in itself is a triumph!

HelloFrostyMorning · 01/02/2022 18:39

@AnnieLobeseder

I got my first tattoo at 20, I had no idea my mother would react as badly as she did. She cried and screamed and asked how I could do that to her. Nearly 30 years and a few more tattoos later... well, it's been a long road. There's been a couple of occasions she wouldn't be seen in public with me. It's been horrible knowing how she's cringing whenever she looks at me, having to concentrate on constantly adjusting my clothing around her, feeling that the one person who is supposed to love me the most in this world is the one person who can't accept me as I am. Well, we don't have much relationship left and I really don't like being around her.

Think very carefully about where you want your relationship to go from here.

OMG you poor thing. Sad I can't imagine EVER reacting my daughters (mid 20s) like that. One had tattoos, and one has piercings. IDGAF, and I am not aware of anyone judging them. (If it has happened they have never told me.) I do know it has NEVER affected their career though. They're both successful professional women on more money than me and their dad combined.

Things is, SO many people have tattoos now, especially millennials, so it feels rejecting them from the workplace purely because they have tattoos is stupid. You're kicking out a huge chunk of the workforce. And cutting off your nose to spite your face.

All this 'ewwww tattoos are gross eww ewww ewwwwwwwww,' and 'no man will ever fancy you' type comments are SO pathetic and childish and bloody spiteful. Can you hear yourselves FFS? Grow up. Hmm

As a poster said further back, people have painted and tattooed their skin, and had piercings and the like for millennia now. And yeah, they're permanent, and as I said further back, some may regret them. But we ALL do things in life we regret. I think 'tattoo regret' (if you ever have it) will be pretty low down in the pecking order of life for things you may regret!

Sparklingbrook · 01/02/2022 18:42

Currently 57% YANBU so quite an even split which is interesting.

HelloFrostyMorning · 01/02/2022 18:49

@Sparklingbrook as I said earlier, the OP is not being unreasonable to be bothered or upset about it, but it is her daughter's body, so she needs to suck it up really.

However, the hate and vitriol from some posters on here - towards people with tattoos - is disgraceful ...

Sparklingbrook · 01/02/2022 18:51

[quote HelloFrostyMorning]@Sparklingbrook as I said earlier, the OP is not being unreasonable to be bothered or upset about it, but it is her daughter's body, so she needs to suck it up really.

However, the hate and vitriol from some posters on here - towards people with tattoos - is disgraceful ...[/quote]
It’s like every thread on MN about tattoos I think. They always go like this.
AIBU is the place for opinions.

madmumofteens · 01/02/2022 18:53

I agree with you OP my DD has huge ones which I hate and it's ok to feel the way you do but you have to make peace with it as she is an adult and it's her body x

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 01/02/2022 18:55

The way I see it is, at least when they start to really look shit (which they will) when she is saggy and old, you'll be dead OP.

My friend has some beautiful tattoos. I've seen lots of great ones, but most are pretty abysmal. Which is just my opinion. OP is entitled to hers. Which she can also tell her DD. My sons have tattoos which are pretty lame. If the asked me my opinion I'd tell them. As it is, not my business.

HelloFrostyMorning · 01/02/2022 18:56

@Sparklingbrook Voicing opinions is fine. Spewing out nasty, spiteful, demeaning, vitriolic comments about people because you don't like their tattoos is NOT fine.

These are not opinions, they are vile, ugly insults.

Sparklingbrook · 01/02/2022 18:57

[quote HelloFrostyMorning]@Sparklingbrook Voicing opinions is fine. Spewing out nasty, spiteful, demeaning, vitriolic comments about people because you don't like their tattoos is NOT fine.

These are not opinions, they are vile, ugly insults.[/quote]
You can report anything you feel oversteps the mark.

etulosba · 01/02/2022 18:58

I’m not keen. Acceptable on sailor’s forearms, but that’s about it.

etulosba · 01/02/2022 18:58

Sailors’ forearms.

XenoBitch · 01/02/2022 18:58

I don't have tattoos, but I am covered in scars from self harm. That is something to get upset over if your DD did the same, not body art that she happily chose herself.

Persephone89 · 01/02/2022 18:59

@JammyDevil

I'd be devastated too. Particularly because it is so big and prominent. Having a tattoo does send a message. You may want the message to be 'I love tattoos' or 'I'm edgy and here's how I express it' or any other number of things. If you have them then you have to accept that other people will have their own, ingrained, perception of people who have tattoos. You are completely unable to decide what that perception will be and none of them are wrong because a perception belongs to the beholder. Traditionally they are something which belonged to the working class, you didn't get 'gentry' or 'naice' people with tattoos so for a lot of people that perception of them being a bit common is still deeply ingrained.

I have friends who have them and friends who would never in a million years have them. I agree with whoever said, I don't know why but I like them less on women, somehow (and without being able to justify why I feel this) I feel it looks a bit trashy. That's just my opinion and it wouldn't stop me from being friends with someone or hiring them as an employee (it would for some employers though I suspect).

So OP, despite the hard time you are getting on here, I understand what you're saying and why you are so upset. It's funny how people aren't allowed to express a dislike of something without being absolute arseholes but the tattoo lovers are allowed to call names and rubbish people with different views to theirs. Pot, kettle etc.

Personally, I'd be pleased that having a tattoo means I likely won't waste time getting to know people who would judge a person based on how they look.

I haven't seen anyone yet get annoyed with someone for saying they just personally dislike tattoos. The anger is directed towards people saying things like they're trashy, common, dirty etc - these words are generally derogotary ways of referring to poorer people, i.e. judging others based on their inferior class.

That kind of judgemental attitude would be devastating to me in a child, far more than any superficial thing they could do to their body🤷🏻‍♀️

Also want to add that I think it is somewhat human nature to look down on others for being different in some way or other, whether that's because they have different likes/interests, different values/morals, different jobs etc. but that we are capable of empathy and compassion, and so to act on those initial feelings (e.g. disgust towards a tattoo, say by refusing someone a job or telling them you think they've ruined their skin) is just an ugly thing to do. This part wasn't aimed at anyone specifically, just a thought.

And on the careers front, as someone who values a respectful, diverse, ethical employer, any company that automatically ruled people out based on the way they look would be one I wouldn't want to work for anyway. Similarly one that believes conformity is more important than your passion for the work. I suspect most people with tattoos are happy to avoid employers who judge aesthetics as being more important than attitude.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 01/02/2022 18:59

@lightisnotwhite

Waxonwaxoff0 This won’t be true. Have you never fancied anyone just from looking at them?

Sure you might change your mind after you know them but certainly appearance attracts or it doesn’t.

Personally no, I've never fancied anyone just from looking at them. I need to get to know them first.

But I'm not talking about being attracted to someone, I'm talking about the posters on here making assumptions about the personalities of people with tattoos like "chav" and "mental health problems".

BTYU · 01/02/2022 19:02

I don’t like them and don’t pretend to when someone is showing one off. Some people do though and it’s her life so not much you can do.

HelloFrostyMorning · 01/02/2022 19:02

@XenoBitch

I don't have tattoos, but I am covered in scars from self harm. That is something to get upset over if your DD did the same, not body art that she happily chose herself.
Exactly. People getting hysterical and pearl-clutchy and vitriolic over people with tattoos need to get a grip.
Waxonwaxoff0 · 01/02/2022 19:02

It's absolutely fine not to find someone with tattoos attractive! We all have preferences.

It is not fine to look at a person with tattoos and think "they are a chav" "they are rough" "they are not intelligent" without even speaking to them.

DiddyHeck · 01/02/2022 19:04

[quote HelloFrostyMorning]@Sparklingbrook Voicing opinions is fine. Spewing out nasty, spiteful, demeaning, vitriolic comments about people because you don't like their tattoos is NOT fine.

These are not opinions, they are vile, ugly insults.[/quote]
Imagine being tattooed and a smoker. MN would go into meltdown 😂

etulosba · 01/02/2022 19:04

Personally no, I've never fancied anyone just from looking at them

Oh, I have. The spell is easily broken though.

HelloFrostyMorning · 01/02/2022 19:05

@Waxonwaxoff0

It's absolutely fine not to find someone with tattoos attractive! We all have preferences.

It is not fine to look at a person with tattoos and think "they are a chav" "they are rough" "they are not intelligent" without even speaking to them.

Exactly. It's pathetic and small minded, and shows a lack of intelligence to judge someone purely on their appearance.

As a pp said, I bet these same types preach 'be kind' and all that shit all over twitter and facebook.

HelloFrostyMorning · 01/02/2022 19:06

@DiddyHeck

OMG imagine all the broken pearls, from all the clutching! Shock

SquirrelG · 01/02/2022 19:14

Also they are just not very classy. You do automatically think people are lower social class with tattoos. You could never imagine ladies at a black tie dinner with tattoos down their arms by their cocktail dresses....

You really don't have a clue!

Sparklingbrook · 01/02/2022 19:15

@etulosba

Personally no, I've never fancied anyone just from looking at them

Oh, I have. The spell is easily broken though.

I have too, I think that's pretty normal isn't it? Confused
Luredbyapomegranate · 01/02/2022 19:16

Luredbyapomegranate

A sleeve would tip many people over the edge..

But you know, she can have them lasered off, I guess, And the perception of them has changed. Try amd gently encourage her to take a break for a bit.

@Luredbyapomegranate - do you know the cost of having a sleeve or even a small tattoo lasered off?

A friend wanted to get a sleeve removed (too many bad, foolish memories and it was preventing them getting work), the cost as well as time spent in laser removal was a lot. an acquaintance got a small dolphin on her ankle nothing else but was left with what looked like 'bruising'. She said she'd wished she'd never had it done and was young and stupid.

@Gonnagetgoing

Yep, it's very expensive. But what's your point? The OP can't stop her daughter doing it.

DearlyBeloathed · 01/02/2022 19:17

@etulosba

I’m not keen. Acceptable on sailor’s forearms, but that’s about it.
Get back to the 1950s.
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