To think my mum enjoys watching me suffer

[Nickwinkle]

I know I've posted here before about the treatment I get from my family but I'm struggling and feeling worse.

We received the devastating news that my dad will die. No idea when or how it's going to happen but it will. My mum started staying at the hospital so she can be there if he doesn't make it through the night but that leaves her darling son and precious dogs at home alone. He's 32, by the way. He does have learning difficulties but I would say he's highly functional and very capable of looking after himself.

At the start of her staying at the hospital, about two weeks ago, she asked if I minded staying on the Monday night with my brother. This was on the Sunday. Of course I was happy to oblige so he wasn't on his own for the entire week as I know it can be lonely. She then asked if I would also stay the Tuesday. I had other plans, non cancelable, so told her it would mean me travelling back from Doncaster to Manchester and then back again and that's a lot as I'm going through fertility treatment and I need to remain as stress free as possible. Still, she pressed on. Then she asked if I'd stay that Sunday night too which would've meant driving from Sheffield hospital to Manchester, then back to Doncaster to stay with my brother, then back to Manchester on the Monday morning for my car's MOT, then back to Doncaster to stay the night, then back to Manchester first thing in the morning for a training course and then back to Doncaster. I work full time, I'm going through a redundancy and then there's the fertility treatment.

At this point I put my foot down. I told her quite simply 'no' and told her that if she wanted someone there every day then me and my sister would need to split it. Out came the 'but your sister has children' excuses. I told her that those children have a dad, I'm sure he's quite capable of looking after his children.

Mum: but you just don't understand. It's so difficult when you have children
Me: Yes, and it's difficult going through fertility treatment. I was exhausted doing it last time and I nearly had several accidents on the pass because I was falling asleep behind the wheel. My partner had to take a month out of work, unpaid, to drive me to the hospital so I didn't kill myself.
Mum: You just don't understand. It's just not simple when you have children.
Me: If you want someone there every day then me and my sister split it.
Mum: Well your sister has children so no
Me: Well I'm going through fertility treatment
Mum: Yes well your sister has living, breathing children.

I've been TTC for 6 years and had countless miscarriages. Our last round of treatment failed, I'm guessing because of how exhausted and run down I was with all the travelling.

I feel like I'm just a scapegoat to them and that my life doesn't matter because I don't have children. It's not the first time comments like that have been made and I'm at the point I think she's enjoying it.

I've pretty much cut contact with them and only talk when it's absolutely necessary in relation to my dad. It's breaking my heart but I know I shouldn't have to put up with what seems like utterly toxic behaviour.

I'm not the one being the asshole here... Right? :(

I think your mother is going through something very traumatic and cannot be expected to be full of sympathy for your position. I have been in the position of watching a partner slowly die and you must not expect too much from her.

You are obviously feeling a bit fragile at the moment as you are going through IVF treatment and understandably have a lot emotionally invested in it. I absolutely understand that what she is asking of you feels like too much. But I think you are being a bit over-sensitive in feeling that she is scapegoating you and not valuing your feelings at the moment. She might be feeling the same about you of course.

Is there some way you can organise for your brother to have people going in to check on him and spend some time with him whilst your mother is at the hospital?

I remember your previous thread OP. I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad.
Whilst I am sure your Mum and sister are going through a tough time too, they have been both unkind and selfish. Please continue to stand up for yourself

It doesn't matter WHY you can't give up all of your time. You don't need to justify what of your time you are prepared to put in. It doesn't have to be an equal amount to someone else.

Stop giving reasons, just give 'no' or 'i can do these dates'. It's not your responsibility to problem solve the rest of the time.

She's dismissing your needs. She doesn't get a right to do that. You need to be very firm with your needs as she will ignore your boundaries.

I remember your previous thread. You say no I’m sorry mum I cannot do it. It’s simply not practical, we’ll have to think of another plan. And repeat. And if she does not listen to you then you say “well I’ve got to go now” and put the phone. You count too - they are all pushing you around.

@mischance I have tried to be more lenient with her because of the situation but unfortunately this isn't the first time and certainly isn't new behaviour. She's called me immature and selfish before because I said declined my sister's offer to have her eggs. There's too much to go in to but this whole situation has made me realise. My mum and sister can mourn dad but I'm not allowed and have to pick up the pieces. It's kinda sad :(

I've offered to do every other day with my brother so he's not alone but I've been very firm in that I cannot do every day.

What’s the plan for your brother once your mum is no longer around or if she needs care? I would be concerned you are being lined up for carer role and think you should put your foot down now.

Hi OP;
I remember your previous thread and I think you are still only learning/ starting out where asserting your boundaries is concerned.

Don't concern yourself with what your sister will or won't do. Don't concern yourself with what your mum wants you to do or why.

What do you want to do? You (not them) you.
If this is visit your brother once a week and your dad twice a week do that. Visiting your brother every other day sounds totally unsustainable in your circumstances.

You describe yourself as having "cut contact" but does this mean you are basically doing all the running around while not saying anything? That's not cutting contact - it's being a mug (sorry).

Sadly I think you describe your dad as end of life now. What do you want to do at this point. Your decision that you won't regret. Visit him/ not visit him / take your brother to visit him (you may be more facilitated to visit if he is end of life). It's up to you what you do not your family.

In the past two weeks I've visited my brother once and my dad 3 times so I've cut down drastically on what I was doing. I only visit when I want, or am able to.

The plan that I know of when my mum passes is that my brother will go and live with my sister. My parents gave her £80,000 towards buying a new, very large house so he had a bedroom to move in to when it happens.

My other concern with my dad being at EOL care is how my mum will cope and the unreasonable requests that will be coming my way. Of course I want to spend as much time with my dad as he's got left but I think there's going to be a fine line between spending the time I want with my dad, and being beckoned by my mum to help out.

My mum wants to bring my dad home to die. Whilst I absolutely agree that I'd rather him die surrounded by family, I have serious concerns she won't cope and will be relying on me to provide secondary care. My dad's unable to do anything for himself, cannot even roll himself in bed, so it's completely unreasonable for her to expect to be able to do it alone.

I want to say yes because it's my dad and I can't stand the thought of my mum suffering alone and struggling but I know I have to say no because my family and my life will suffer significantly. I know my sister won't be expected to do anything...

If he has a room at your sisters already, then why cant he just go and stay there. Cats only need checked once a day, surely your sis can manage that or they get a cat sitter?

I’m sorry, that sounds really hard. Try not to get drawn into this “who has it worse” competition. If you can only offer to stay with your brother three times a week then that’s all you offer - it’s not relevant what your sister is doing, or who is under more pressure or stress.

It sounds like you’ve worked out that your mother always puts you last - and by limiting your help to match your sister you’re asking your mother to consider you equals and acknowledge your own difficulties and stressors. But your mother isn’t going to change, especially right now. So stop competing for that validation, and focus on only offering what you’re able to give.

Larger scale studies have shown that stress levels have no real impact on IVF success, so please try not to worry about that. It is, however, a very valid reason to step back for your own sanity.

@Teacupsandtoast I did suggest that. Would be too much hassle on my sister, apparently.

Saying that, I do agree that it would be a little ridiculous to get my sister to inherit 3 dogs alongside my brother. That would leave her, her DH, my brother, two kids, 3 German shepherds and a staffy/lab mix all under one roof. I offered to take in my brother (I only have a two up, two down so it would be a squeeze) but I have two cats and the staffy/lab mix has previously tried to kill one of them.

I think it's the dogs that make moving them all elsewhere difficult.

Your mum sounds disgusting, selfish and unkind. It's like she's trying to hurt you with the children thing. I'd keep my head down and suck it up for now then start going low contact in the future.

I remember your previous threads. Sorry your dad is nearing the end of his life, but you have to put yourself and your fertility treatment first. Your dad would have wanted to see you happy. The amount of driving they were expecting you do do would have risked someone crashing even if they had no job/kids!
Your brother can go and stay with your sister on the days she has him, as is planned and financed for in the future. If he needs help, then maybe they should start looking into carers/a care plan now for if your mum gets ill.
From your previous post, you really have gone above and beyond and we’re used as a scapegoat

@tortiecat

I remember your previous thread OP. I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. Whilst I am sure your Mum and sister are going through a tough time too, they have been both unkind and selfish. Please continue to stand up for yourself

This.

They are awful.

They are not going to change.

Focus on yourself.

You could suggest to your family trying to find a hospice for your father. A friend has sadly just had a family member pass in a hospice and she felt it was a wonderful place and wished everybody had that choice if it were needed. Your father would then have all the pain relief and care available in a more homely environment. I gather it is difficult to get a place as they are so in demand but with your families agreement it could be worth a try.

@Winter2020 I completely agree that it would be a great suggestion. I can imagine there may be some uproar as my mum wants to be a martyr and bring dad home. I get it... but I can't say I agree with it.

I'll try approaching the subject if the opportunity presents itself.

Has your mum contacted adult social sevices to organise some sort of carer to drop into your brother?

If your dad is moved home to die there is loads of extra help you can apply for and get. My friend recently was in this position and they had carers come in 3 times a day to move him and give him food etc. Your mother needs to speak to the hospital, Macmillan nurses and her local council for help.

Firstly, I am so sorry to hear about your father. My Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer last week and it's just a terrible time coming to terms with it, balancing a family, running him back and forth to hospital every day and trying to be there for my mother. I have a childless older sister (her choice not to have children), who isn't in a position to help, so it all falls on my shoulders. Having children is hard to balance with other commitments. Your mother is right in that respect. She has been there and knows how hard having children is, so she is coming from that limited perspective. I suspect that she's never been through IVF though, which I can only imagine is extremely tough too. I would avoid assigning blame at this point or interpreting things as you being considered a lesser person for not having children. You are all going through an extremely stressful time and all finding it extremely tough. Be kind to yourself and to others. I suspect that your mum relies on you because you are reliable. Your sister, depending upon where she lives, could help out a bit more, but it depends upon school runs and how this is balanced with work, and also the age of her children, as being away from young children, even for a night can be stressful. It seems to me like someone needs to be there to support your mother as well as your brother. Can you take any time off work? Could your partner take time off and do some of the running around? Could your BIL take time off work? Are there any other friends or relatives that can help? Even without IVF, it seems like you are doing a hell of a lot of running around. X

@9ofpentangles she hasn't. She hasn't ever got him any help, I think, because she feels guilty of his disability. Many family members have tried to approach the topic previously and many family members have been shunned for doing so. It's become a very taboo subject. I even offered to take him in at one point and get him part time volunteering work just to get him some independence. Didn't go down well. Do you know if it's something I can contact someone about, even if it's just for advice?

@moose62 I did wonder. There was mention of carers attending 4 times a day to turn him, etc, but my DH has said it's unlikely anyone will come as he's EOL. His mum's a nurse and she's said it's unlikely they'll have any support as when they send them home, that's it. There's mixed messages and we really need some clarification from the hospital before they discharge him.

Hi OP, I am truly sorry you are in this very sad situation with your dad. I am in a very similar situation with my own dad. We have brought him home , to my parents house, and my sister and I alternate days/nights with him, thankfully we are only 30 mins drive away.

I am in Ireland so care situation may be different however we have 3 HSE (Irish public healthcare system) carers a day (21 hours per week) calling in to help wash/dress dad, if he's up to it, help him to the loo, rub cream on any sore skin etc. This was all organised by the hospital, in conjunction with the local Public Health Nurse before dad was discharged and it's a great support for both mum and dad. Hopefully the NHS could provide similar.

Your mother isn’t being rational, but given the circumstances I can see why that is.

Can the brother come and stay with you instead?

Your mother!

Keep firm and keep your 'd'm at arms length.

P.s. I appreciate that you are all extremely upset, but I don't think that your mum is a martyr for wanting to bring your Dad home, especially if that is what he wants. She is in an extremely vulnerable place. And I don't think that your sister sounds selfish, particularly if she has agreed to take your brother in one day. She's not going to benefit particularly from having a larger house, and the pros and significantly outweighed by the cons of having your brother live with you and your husband one day. Also don't feel that you have to withdraw in order to establish boundaries. I think that your mother really needs you and as long as you can remain firm with boundaries, you might not need to back off. To do so may seem as though you as distancing yourself or punishing your mother. You all need to come together not drift apart. It seems like the dogs are the biggest issue. Is there a charity that can help take care of them on a short term basis? Can you get a pet sitter in and send your brother to your sister's? Where does your sister live? You all sound like you need some additional help and support right now. You can all only do what you can do. Help is out there if you look.

Boundaries need to introduced and enforced, it sounds like you’ve made a good start. Sorry to hear about your dad, that must be very hard. Your mum will be upset but that doesn’t mean she can be so rude and demanding. Whilst ordering you around whilst being cruel and thoughtless. I know as fellow non-golden child, that it’s rare for it even to be conceptualised that l have thoughts, feelings of other commitments. My mum has made it clear she has no interest in my IVF and can’t even be bothered talking about it . As others have said no research has showed stress impacts on IVF success but nevertheless it is tough physically and mentally. You need to be kinder to yourself so see family as much as you feel able. You have offered a suggestion re your brother going to your sisters; that’s been shot down so leave your mum to accept it or come up with a different plan. NOT your brother coming to yours; your sister was given £80k for that remember