To think my mum enjoys watching me suffer

[Nickwinkle]

I know I've posted here before about the treatment I get from my family but I'm struggling and feeling worse.

We received the devastating news that my dad will die. No idea when or how it's going to happen but it will. My mum started staying at the hospital so she can be there if he doesn't make it through the night but that leaves her darling son and precious dogs at home alone. He's 32, by the way. He does have learning difficulties but I would say he's highly functional and very capable of looking after himself.

At the start of her staying at the hospital, about two weeks ago, she asked if I minded staying on the Monday night with my brother. This was on the Sunday. Of course I was happy to oblige so he wasn't on his own for the entire week as I know it can be lonely. She then asked if I would also stay the Tuesday. I had other plans, non cancelable, so told her it would mean me travelling back from Doncaster to Manchester and then back again and that's a lot as I'm going through fertility treatment and I need to remain as stress free as possible. Still, she pressed on. Then she asked if I'd stay that Sunday night too which would've meant driving from Sheffield hospital to Manchester, then back to Doncaster to stay with my brother, then back to Manchester on the Monday morning for my car's MOT, then back to Doncaster to stay the night, then back to Manchester first thing in the morning for a training course and then back to Doncaster. I work full time, I'm going through a redundancy and then there's the fertility treatment.

At this point I put my foot down. I told her quite simply 'no' and told her that if she wanted someone there every day then me and my sister would need to split it. Out came the 'but your sister has children' excuses. I told her that those children have a dad, I'm sure he's quite capable of looking after his children.

Mum: but you just don't understand. It's so difficult when you have children
Me: Yes, and it's difficult going through fertility treatment. I was exhausted doing it last time and I nearly had several accidents on the pass because I was falling asleep behind the wheel. My partner had to take a month out of work, unpaid, to drive me to the hospital so I didn't kill myself.
Mum: You just don't understand. It's just not simple when you have children.
Me: If you want someone there every day then me and my sister split it.
Mum: Well your sister has children so no
Me: Well I'm going through fertility treatment
Mum: Yes well your sister has living, breathing children.

I've been TTC for 6 years and had countless miscarriages. Our last round of treatment failed, I'm guessing because of how exhausted and run down I was with all the travelling.

I feel like I'm just a scapegoat to them and that my life doesn't matter because I don't have children. It's not the first time comments like that have been made and I'm at the point I think she's enjoying it.

I've pretty much cut contact with them and only talk when it's absolutely necessary in relation to my dad. It's breaking my heart but I know I shouldn't have to put up with what seems like utterly toxic behaviour.

I'm not the one being the asshole here... Right? :(

If I were you I think I’d be going very low contact with your mum and sister once your dad has died as they sound bloody awful. I’m so sorry that on top of everything else your family treat you like this

Your sister has kids??? Sorry, but if they have a dad, and unless they are very disabled, she needs to grow up and accept her part of the burden. Kids need to learn they are not no1 anyway, and your poor dad needs to be the priority at the moment.
So sorry about his poor health.

I did suggest brother staying with sister. Whether it's happened I don't know. There are three large dogs so it would be challenging, but not impossible.

I have a two bed, end terraced house with two house cats so it's not possible to bring the dogs here. I have offered to take my brother and one dog in but only if my sister's able to take the other dogs. Alternatively my mum will need to find somewhere else to put them. Two of her dogs really don't get on with cats and one of them previously tried to kill them so I can't risk it.

My sister is more unreasonable than my mum and a horrific human being so dealing with her direct would cause more harm. I've tried before and it didn't end well.

There's an hour between me and my sister (she's Yorkshire, I'm Manchester) so nowhere in the middle where my brother could get an air BnB. He would be better off where he is.

About the whole partner thing:
I was married before my current partner. He was abusive, manipulative but I guess I just dealt with it. We were trying to start a family but to no avail. I found out after kicking him out that he had a secret girlfriend with two kids. Probably more out there but it's a case of ignorance is bliss.

I'm reaching the end of my baby making days. My partner is the same and wants to get a vasectomy but would love one more before he does. It's our last chance. We started trying two months ago but went straight to the fertility clinic as I can't have kids naturally.

I already put it on hold because of the stress and so I could focus on my family more, but that made me feel worse and it had a huge impact on my partner because every decision I make doesn't affect just me.

My dad's been in hospital now for 4 months. We didn't think he would last this long. For the first month I did everything I could and more. For a month you can suffer and run yourself in to the ground. 4 months is not sustainable.

They sound awful op. Next time they trot out the children card tell them that they chose to have them so they have to look after them. Your sister could bring her kids to stay at your parents at the weekend for example. Or maybe your mother could put the dogs in kennels or get them home boarded and your brother could stay with you/your sister?

This may sound heartless but bringing your DF home is not your DMs only option. A hospice means he would get the EOL care he needs and the family could focus on providing emotional rather than physical support.

You clearly can't do what is being demanded of you and to be fair to your Dsis sounds like she can't or won't either. So I'd stop tying yourself in knots and comparing what's being asked of you versus others and only do what you can do whilst gently reminding DM of the options.

@Mariposista

Your sister has kids??? Sorry, but if they have a dad, and unless they are very disabled, she needs to grow up and accept her part of the burden. Kids need to learn they are not no1 anyway, and your poor dad needs to be the priority at the moment. So sorry about his poor health.

How often do we see on mumsnet that fathers at the weekend duck out?

It's great to see that you're sticking up for yourself. Keep doing it!

Sorry up but I think yabu.

Your mum and sister sound like they may be hard work too - but the tone you use when speaking about your sisters children is unpleasant.

Reading between the lines it sounds like you're resentful of your sister having children and unwilling to even acknowledge any additional difficulties that brings.

You may not want to hear it but the reality is that having children to care for brings a huge additional load of financial, emotional, mental, physical and logistical stresses that you simply don't have. Your sister may be unable to stay with your brother every other night for hundreds of reasons.

Yes, your life is important too and you have your own things going on. And you're perfectly entitled to tell your mum you can only do xyz because of your personal circumstances.

But the constant insistance that you'll only do xyz if your sister does the same sounds childish and petty. Your sister may be unable to for lots of reasons.

You make your own decisions based on your circumstances and let your sister do the same. The amount of help you give this situation shouldn't be dependant on your sister matching it exactly.

@Beseen22

Your DH mum is completely incorrect. If we send someone home on EOLC they would need to have carers 4 x daily, DNs coming in daily, Macmillian Nurses and occasionally Marie Curie. You would also have cover from the DN out of hours team. There would be a specialist palliative OT involved to make sure a commode, hospital bed, pressure mattress etc etc is delivered to the house within abiut 48 hours. He would go home with 'just in case' medications to keep him comfortable.

They would most likely have a constant flow of medications through a small syringe driver to control pain and nausea and distress and then can get top ups by the various DNs and out of hours team. The problem that arrives from being at home is that symptoms can happen 24 hours a day and if you are in a ward or a hospice you press a buzzer and the nurse brings the medication required or changes the bed or repositions etc. But if you are at home at 2 am you will have to wait until 2 nurses arrive from whichever house they have been at last. Some people find that wait watching someone in pain very distressing.

Completely agree with this. We don't just stop care because someone is EOL. No idea where your DH's mum got that impression from.

The only time I've said that I'll only do xyz if sister does xyz is when she essentially asked me to leave my life behind to move in to hers and look after my brother and her dogs.

The only thing I'm resentful about when it comes to my sister's children is that she uses them as a get out of everything clause and as a way to get my mum to be her nanny. I don't agree with it and I think it's quite narcissistic and manipulate. My mum retired so she could enjoy the remainder of her life, not so she could become a live in nanny for my sister. When you have children you accept the responsibility of children. Trust me, I would much rather swap my sister's children for what I've gone through and it upsets me that she abuses the privilege she's been handed.

Like I've said before though, I'm not even sure it's entirely because she's got kids. I was always told to pick everything up because my sister 'has her life'. This goes back to before she even had children. They've just become the most recent excuse.

Sorry - backtracking a bit - your mum and dad went to your sister's wedding but didn't tell you it was going ahead?

Bless you, op. Hope the treatment works for you
Don’t let anything derail you
As others have said “ just say “no” and shut it down
My DM was often like this until I said one day, “ no mum, I don’t actually need to do what you tell me “
Or “ that sounds like not my problem “
And there wasn’t really much she could say to that.

OP

You are a scapegoat of your family while your sister is a golden child. All expectations are on you and none on your sister.
Whatever you do it will never be enough to please your mother nor your sister.
The dynamic was clearly displayed in your previous posts/thread.

The only way to stop it from happening is to step away from the situation which you have done to some extension.
Ignore your mother/sister demands and live the life you want to live. Everybody has only so much to give, sadly your mother is unable/unwilling to give anything to you.

Everybody in life has choices. Your mother has the choice how to treat everybody around her.
She chose to have the dogs, they are her concern. She chose to subsidise your sister property to benefit your brother.She chose to prioritise your sister over you. You owe her nothing.

Your sister chose to have kids,they are her concern. She chooses to behave the way she is. She chooses to not to get involved using her kids as get out of jail card and your mother colluding in that.

Carry on with your treatment (and wishing you best of luck) and visit your dad when you want/can and not when somebody pressurises you to.

All the accusations of being selfish thrown at you by your mother are projecting. She is the one who’s selfish. She’s choosing to ignore every solution that would make the situation easier for everybody including hospice care for your dad.

She can decide to bring him home but she has no right to expect you to do insane amount of travelling to fulfill HER wants regarding your dad.’s care. Care that he would receive at the hospice which would massively ease off the pressure on anybody.

Step back and let your mother face the consequences of HER decisions.
Don’t let FOG cloud your decisions.

Sorry about your dad 💐

OP, as others have said, don't get involved with suggesting your sister does tasks or takes a share, just say what you'll do and stick with it. I agree with what @FrenchBoule said.

Would it be worth you speaking to the staff at the hospital and saying you can't get involved with nursing your Dad in the event he moves home? My Dad had a lengthy hospital stay next year, in the end DM was desperate to get him out and called me to say she'd told the staff I would help nurse him even though we'd never discussed it and I just wouldn't be able to do it on several different levels! I gather the doctor told her it would be best not to rely on family and he got a care package, so I'm guessing it's not unknown for people to volunteer their adult kids.

I know it's awkward with your DF right now, but do what you can do see him. After the immediate crisis is over and your Dad has passed away I'd take a massive step back from your family and focus on the people who bring something to your life. From bitter experience mourning related things like funerals, headstones etc can become a focus for toxic relatives who try to create conflict around them - I hope this doesn't happen to you but if it does just try not to get drawn into the drama.

Good luck with the treatment. Your DF's death is important, but your life and happiness is even more so. You might find help on the Elderly Parents board and Stately Homes thread.

[quote Nickwinkle]@Toanewstart22 I think they had to pick me up from the pub once because I was too drunk?

I guess I disappointed them too when I stopped working towards becoming a scientist and changed profession to a photographer.

I moved out at 18, to the opposite side of the country as that's where the work was. I then went traveling for a couple of years and then moved back away when I came back. I've not really been around to be a problem but whenever they've asked for help I've come straight away.

Straight A student, didn't smoke, didn't do drugs, didn't hang around on street corners. Yet my mum accused me of being a druggie prostitute which is what pushed me to move out because living with her was so unbearable that I was close to suicide.

Looking back I wish there was something awful I did.

I feel defeated in all of this. I don't know what more I can do. My family tell me I'm not doing enough if I'm there every day, my partner is upset because I'm there every day. I'm run down, I'm on the edge and I just want to hide away somewhere and not exist.[/quote]
This post makes me want to cry and rage on your behalf.

Very sadly, your family have always treated you like crap and they aren’t going to stop now. Nothing you say or do will ever be good enough. Accept that, and then make a plan.

Sit down with your partner, who seems to have been very supportive, And decide what you want to do and how you are going to do it. Make this about what works for you, not for them. Your sister is doing this right now! It works for her to have you running around while she does nothing! Remember the wedding. And remember the £80.000 to look after your brother….

They will be nasty to you whatever you do, you cannot win with these people. Visit your dad when you are able. Go with your husband. Go when it suits you and hubby. He is your family now. And he is the family you chose.

Your brother can go to sisters, especially with the financial inducement…. So he’s safe. Your mother can look after herself, and if she can’t, your sister can stop up.

Honestly, you need to back away here for your own sanity and health. And once your dad has passed, I would seriously think about going at least very LC with your mum/sister. No one needs toxic people in their life.

@Laiste I was originally supposed to be maid of honor at my sister's wedding. They then decided that they wanted to get married down south and they wanted a ceremony of only them with their two friends there as witnesses. A tad disappointing but their decision at the end of the day. Even parents weren't invited. I go to what I thought was a girly shopping day with my mum and sister and it turns out we were looking for a dress for my mum for my sister's wedding. I was told I wasn't invited because if siblings came then that would mean BILs grandma would have to come and loads of other people so it was solely parents and their two friends. When I went to my sister's house at a later date she'd got wedding photos up on the wall with a large group photo of rougly 30 people - BIL's grandPARENTS included along with her friends' two children and some other people I've never seen in my life. My parents asked me to look after my brother and the dogs whilst they were gone so I assume I wasn't invited as they needed someone to look after their dogs and they couldn't invite my brother but not me.

I'll be at the hospital on Friday so I'm going to try and speak to someone about what exactly is going on and what's been agreed re care for my dad.

I've just been made redundant but have interviews tomorrow and Thursday so there's no chance of me taking time out of a new job to care for him.

Also... treatment just failed. Again.

When you were at your parents looking after the dogs

Did you ask them where they were going all dressed up for your sisters wedding?!

@Toanewstart22 She was getting married in Bournemouth so they went down a day or two early so they could go out for a meal with them the day before. Sounded a little weird when they said that as I'd assume they'd have wanted to go for a meal that evening after the wedding if there was only a few of them.

Makes sense now as I guess you'd struggle to seat 30 people around one table!

So I didn't really see her getting dressed up, although even if it was genuinely the 6 people (2x 2 parents and 2x friends) I don't think that would change what she'd wear. I wasn't actually told what day they were getting married either so I awkwardly rang my sister to wish her luck on the wrong day.

Only things I were told: Married in Bournemouth, parents only + 2 friends and the 'week' it was happening (as I had to dog/babysit).

Sorry to hear about your treatment OP. ANd everything else. What a rotten hand you've been dealt.

''Also... treatment just failed. Again.''

Oh god i'm so sorry

Thank you for taking the time to explain about the wedding. It's just all so smoke and mirrors isn't it?

Re IVF - i know you've certainly thought this yourself - but maybe wait now a little while and let the current stress level subside. I know time isn't on your side, but a few months might change the landscape of your life a lot. Your father, your job ...

Then you can begin to properly put yourself first x

I honestly am baffled how you can have any relationship with your parents or sister

When they asked you to look after their house meanwhile they put rightly lied to you about going to your sister’s wedding Of 30 rather than just them.

I would be very very Interested to hear their version of event. That 30 members of your family were all prepared to lie to you

I honestly am baffled how you can have any relationship with your parents or sister - I think this is how many of us feel responding to you (those that understood the thread and the context that is ) - do you really want to stay in contact OP? Is it that you are close to your Dad and Brother? Is it the FOG - fear, obligation and guilt? Did you say earlier you had counselling for this or if not, could you?

@Toanewstart22 - I would be very very Interested to hear their version of event. That 30 members of your family were all prepared to lie to you''

It wasn't 30 of OPs family.

OP says:
''they wanted a ceremony of only them with their two friends there as witnesses. When I went to my sister's house at a later date she'd got wedding photos up on the wall with a large group photo of roughly 30 people - BIL's grand PARENTS included along with her friends' two children and some other people I've never seen in my life .''

OPs 2 parents went and it was supposed to be the groom's 2 parents also, plus a friend each for the bride and groom and that's all. So 6.

But OP saw in the photo that her sister's friend's 2 children went, and the groom's grandparents and others who the OP didn't recognise. So the only family who lied to OP were her parents and her sister. And the sister's new husband.

[quote Nickwinkle]@9ofpentangles she hasn't. She hasn't ever got him any help, I think, because she feels guilty of his disability. Many family members have tried to approach the topic previously and many family members have been shunned for doing so. It's become a very taboo subject. I even offered to take him in at one point and get him part time volunteering work just to get him some independence. Didn't go down well. Do you know if it's something I can contact someone about, even if it's just for advice?

@moose62 I did wonder. There was mention of carers attending 4 times a day to turn him, etc, but my DH has said it's unlikely anyone will come as he's EOL. His mum's a nurse and she's said it's unlikely they'll have any support as when they send them home, that's it. There's mixed messages and we really need some clarification from the hospital before they discharge him.[/quote]
Yes you absolutely can have carers and Macmillan nurses in for help in your situation. We did. Macmillan nurses aren't just for cancer patients, they do a lot and are fantastic.

Is there anyone your brother could go and stay with for a week or two?

I am sorry you're going through this hard time. You've got so many things on your plate. Dealing with infertility and treatments alone is hard, let alone having a sick father and lack of family's support. Keep going