To think my mum enjoys watching me suffer

[Nickwinkle]

I know I've posted here before about the treatment I get from my family but I'm struggling and feeling worse.

We received the devastating news that my dad will die. No idea when or how it's going to happen but it will. My mum started staying at the hospital so she can be there if he doesn't make it through the night but that leaves her darling son and precious dogs at home alone. He's 32, by the way. He does have learning difficulties but I would say he's highly functional and very capable of looking after himself.

At the start of her staying at the hospital, about two weeks ago, she asked if I minded staying on the Monday night with my brother. This was on the Sunday. Of course I was happy to oblige so he wasn't on his own for the entire week as I know it can be lonely. She then asked if I would also stay the Tuesday. I had other plans, non cancelable, so told her it would mean me travelling back from Doncaster to Manchester and then back again and that's a lot as I'm going through fertility treatment and I need to remain as stress free as possible. Still, she pressed on. Then she asked if I'd stay that Sunday night too which would've meant driving from Sheffield hospital to Manchester, then back to Doncaster to stay with my brother, then back to Manchester on the Monday morning for my car's MOT, then back to Doncaster to stay the night, then back to Manchester first thing in the morning for a training course and then back to Doncaster. I work full time, I'm going through a redundancy and then there's the fertility treatment.

At this point I put my foot down. I told her quite simply 'no' and told her that if she wanted someone there every day then me and my sister would need to split it. Out came the 'but your sister has children' excuses. I told her that those children have a dad, I'm sure he's quite capable of looking after his children.

Mum: but you just don't understand. It's so difficult when you have children
Me: Yes, and it's difficult going through fertility treatment. I was exhausted doing it last time and I nearly had several accidents on the pass because I was falling asleep behind the wheel. My partner had to take a month out of work, unpaid, to drive me to the hospital so I didn't kill myself.
Mum: You just don't understand. It's just not simple when you have children.
Me: If you want someone there every day then me and my sister split it.
Mum: Well your sister has children so no
Me: Well I'm going through fertility treatment
Mum: Yes well your sister has living, breathing children.

I've been TTC for 6 years and had countless miscarriages. Our last round of treatment failed, I'm guessing because of how exhausted and run down I was with all the travelling.

I feel like I'm just a scapegoat to them and that my life doesn't matter because I don't have children. It's not the first time comments like that have been made and I'm at the point I think she's enjoying it.

I've pretty much cut contact with them and only talk when it's absolutely necessary in relation to my dad. It's breaking my heart but I know I shouldn't have to put up with what seems like utterly toxic behaviour.

I'm not the one being the asshole here... Right? :(

*Feelings OR other commitments

@Hugoslavia I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. The loss of a parent is something you know you'll need to deal with one day, but you never expect to. They're supposed to be immortal. Sending big hugs your way.

My mum did have a still birth of twins and an ectopic pregnancy so her complete ignorance to how hopeless and depressed I'm feeling does baffle me. Again, this spans the last 6 years so way way before the situation with my dad. Even before my sister's children were born I was always expected to pick things up. I had to quit college to run their business when I was 17 as my dad was diagnosed with cancer and was too ill to work. I was also expected to save up all my annual leave at work so I could look after their business & dogs whilst they went on holiday. This spanned a good few years and only stopped when I snapped telling them to get my sister to do it. When my grandma died on holiday in Turkey, I had to take more time out of college to look after their business so they could fly over to be with her. Since January last year, they visited twice. One visit was due to feeling guilty that they hadn't helped me with anything but my new boyfriend had, so they felt they had to prove themselves (they didn't actually help, just drank coffee and complained about everything/slagged my house off and I ended up throwing them out). Second visit was to meet my partner's parents, and even then they were doing everything they could to get us to go over to theirs. Disclaimer: nothing wrong with my house, furniture was just all over the place as I was getting new flooring put down. It's actually freshly renovated and quite nice :)

My mum was spending 4 days a week at my sister's house doing all her housework, taking the kids to school, picking them up, feeding them, bathing them, putting them to bed, etc. Their other grandma did one day and then they'd go do fun things together at the weekend. I can imagine kids are a lot of work - something I'll probably never have the pleasure of knowing - but my sister essentially had a live in nanny and didn't have any responsibilities of her children.

I live the furthest away. My sister is 15-20 mins from my mum and I'm approx 1-1.5hrs across a dangerous, mountain pass.

I've already taken a month off work, exhausted all my annual leave and my partner also took over a month off work. He's self employed so had no income which has put us in an extremely bad financial situation, especially considering he was then out of work all over the Christmas period (he's a joiner). More time off is just not an option as I now only have enough money in my account to cover the mortgage payment.

@NorthSouthcatlady wow! I'm so sorry to hear that your mum was so dismissive of your IVF! It's a huge step in life and it requires so much love and support from those around you to help you get through. Would she be the same if your treatment was successful or does she just genuinely have no interest in your existence, except from when it benefits her?

Your DH mum is completely incorrect. If we send someone home on EOLC they would need to have carers 4 x daily, DNs coming in daily, Macmillian Nurses and occasionally Marie Curie. You would also have cover from the DN out of hours team. There would be a specialist palliative OT involved to make sure a commode, hospital bed, pressure mattress etc etc is delivered to the house within abiut 48 hours. He would go home with 'just in case' medications to keep him comfortable.

They would most likely have a constant flow of medications through a small syringe driver to control pain and nausea and distress and then can get top ups by the various DNs and out of hours team. The problem that arrives from being at home is that symptoms can happen 24 hours a day and if you are in a ward or a hospice you press a buzzer and the nurse brings the medication required or changes the bed or repositions etc. But if you are at home at 2 am you will have to wait until 2 nurses arrive from whichever house they have been at last. Some people find that wait watching someone in pain very distressing.

@Nickwinkle you could try your local council or his GP. Our council has numbers of Adult Social Services on its website or his GP could refer him. I am not sure how it all works as your parents are probably next of kin but worth a try. Also, a disabled charity might be able to advise. SCOPE, for example

@Nickwinkle If it ever works lm guessing she will be rather put out. She’s never directly said why it’s of so little interest to her but l know partly what will be fuelling it is that it won’t benefit her. I will be less “available” and it will make her feel older (when l was younger she tried to convince me to know have children for this reason ) Typically she has little interest in other people and doesn’t even pretend any different

Know = not

Having children is not an excuse
It really does often mean you honestly can’t do things that If you didn’t have children - you’d be able to

@Nickwinkle I remember your previous posts about your family.
They sound awful and treat you really unfairly. You need to put yourself first and not let them get you.

@Toanewstart22 but surely the sister cab do something? Rather than OP doing everything and her sister playing the “l have a child card” then doing nothing. But it does sound like in this family the sister gets a pass for most things and little is expected of her

Be there as much as you can for your dad OP your brother can live with your sister if needs be and your mum doesn’t need to stay at the hospital yet does she. But you also need to look after yourself.

Your mum sounds like she values your sister a lot more and your sister has been quite happy to take advantage of this situation (when its all one sided in her favour i.e. the money for the large house and all the help and support with housework and childcare etc). Now the shoe is on the other foot, she has pulled away and can’t possibly be relied upon to give something back or share the load.

I can’t remember your other posts but I am guessing your sister is maybe the younger and more feckless sister very much more of a taker than you who is the giver which they are both happy to exploit? Whereas, you are also more independent, reliable and capable? Hence, your mum and sister both taking advantage of your good nature. Your mum also probably thrives on keeping your brother dependent on her as it suits her to feel needed. Its a very similar dynamic in my family and I am also the elder.

Take care OP only do what you are able to and are comfortable and can realistically do and communicate this openly. Admittedly it is much harder to help out when you have children but your sister is far closer in distance so its easier for her to help out now and between her, brother in law and your mum if you step back a little they will have to step up. But they need to recognise this themselves you will just be seen as awkward or the baddie if you try and point this out to them.

Take care xxx

@Toanewstart22 I'm not even sure my sister ever uses them as an excuse. It's my mum's excuse for not asking my sister to do anything and giving her a green pass.

Having kids to me means that you can't do the coupley things you used to be able to do as and when you please, e.g, date nights, spontaneous holidays, driving to McDonald's at 2am cause you fancy a mcflurry. It doesn't mean 'I don't have to be there for my dying dad'. If she was a single mum then yes, getting someone else to look after your kids would make it extremely difficult especially considering they're banned from the hospital at present. They have a dad, their dad is my sister's husband and they all live together as one happy family so I wouldn't consider it impossible for him to look after them for a few hours whilst she helps my mum out. If she can't trust him around his own children then that would scream red flags about the relationship and his character. It's not like it's because she wants to go and get her nails done...

OP you are going to loads of posters come on who don’t know the back story! Your family are toxic. Do what’s best for you now.

OP my post was supportive of you (you live much further away, also have a life and commitments and priorities and you have received very little support from your mum). But you seem to have got defensive and ignored this.

So I would say ok due to travel time work and my own health I can only stay with DB on say a Sunday night only. I would love to help more but that is the most I can do sorry.

Or is your dad in receipt of attendance or CA? That way some of this allowance could pay for animals go to kennels and brother could move into his room at your sisters. Could a neighbour, relation or good friend look in on your brother (that is for your mum and sister to sort out).

I am guessing the relationship with you and your sister isn’t brilliant but its made worse by your mum being the middle person. Could you contact your sister and say I can only stay with DB on X night or nights this week. She maybe wants your dad to go into a hospice as suggested upthread or to come home and your mum would get support if dad came home.

Hi OP,

I am so sorry you’re going through such a difficult time. I relate to your situation in some way as my dad passed away from cancer last year. I was pregnant for the majority of his illness and the stress and toll it took on my body was immense. I was scared I would lose the baby at some points because of the sheer responsibility I had, so I can imagine how difficult this is for you right now.

We brought my dad home for EOL and we had a huge amount of support from the palliative care team - they visited 4-5 times a day. I still had to take on a lot of care duties (give medications, change bedding, feed him) but the team made it more manageable. So although it is still a huge responsibility, your mum will have a lot of support and hopefully won’t rely on you so much.

The two things I would prioritise are:

1. seeing your dad as much as you can and on your terms because you will never get this time back again.

2. looking after your mental and physical wellbeing so you are in a good place to carry out your IVF treatment.

Unfortunately, your mum may never see or understand the stress you are under. Especially now, as she is losing her husband. She will be 100% focused on him. My own mum was similar and I think she forgot I was pregnant at some points. I suggest you grow thick skin, stick up for yourself, establish better boundaries and prioritise what is most important. Your sister should be there to help, regardless of having children. There are still ways she can extend her support (eg your brother could stay with them for a bit if he is gonna move there eventually anyway).

All the best

@NinaProudman2022 sorry, I don't think I'd responded to you... I didn't see your message before my last one was posted. Apologies if anything I've been said has been taken in the way it wasn't intended.

I'm actually the youngest child. My brother is the eldest and sister is the middle. I've always had to be independent as my brother required extra care and my sister was a problem child so I never really got much attention/support. I guess this is why I try and overcompensate to please them.

The relationship with my sister is quite toxic. She's not a good person and has made some horrific comments. In my previous post I mentioned about how she uninvited me from her wedding and lied about the reason why. The rest of the family were in on it too.

YABU obviously someone without kids is much more flexible than someone with kids.

You don’t have kids but your sister does - so obviously you’re going to be called on more than her.

Your dad is at the end of his life.
If your mum trusts you to make sure her dogs and son are ok and give her one less thing to worry about so she can concentrate on her dying husband - then just do it.

Your fertility treatment is a non issue here and I think you’re taking out your sadness/anger about your dad out on everyone else but blaming the IVF.

You shouldn’t have to justify this to anyone. Simply saying no, you can’t do it should be enough. Your Mum was a total bitch to throw that dig in there as well. You’re doing the right thing, just leave her to it now.

What's your Mum's plan for your brother when she sadly passes too? Maybe now is a good time for him to practise his independence? I know the drive between Donny/Sheffield/Manchester OP, not fun if you're unwell or if the weather's bad. Stick to your guns.

Maybe your df would appreciate professional care. Rather than the constant chaos your dm seems to thrive on.
Sorry about your df op.
Do what is right for you. I bet yuri df would want that for you. Not what your dm seems to think you deserve.

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt (not exactly the same circs but as the one who was expected to do everything for a terminally ill parent as sibling who always got the red carpet treatment had a convenient excuse).

I think you need to stand your ground, however hard that is. Your parents quite literally paid for your sister to have a larger house to look after your brother! In your shoes, I would say he will just have to move in with her.

The dogs are DM’s issue, not yours, and she will need to make appropriate arrangements. If they can’t also move in with DSis then her options are kennels or a house/pet sitter.

DP wanted to die at home but I actually put my foot down as that would have been far too traumatic and someone in that position needs proper, full on 24 hour care (for which a hospice is a godsend). It’s your DM’s call but not one which you have to support if it means the burden being shoved onto you.

Sorry you’re going through so much, bereavement plus redundancy plus IVF treatment on top of your already hectic schedule does not sound fun

@WonderfulYou l don’t see how the IVF treatment is a “none issue”? I’m guessing you’ve never had IVF but it can be quite intense with daily scans and blood tests, medication 3 or 4 times a day for weeks at a time. Plus lots of physical side effects and emotional turmoil -it does pump you full of lots of hormones. Statistically it is more likely to fail, than to succeed. Plus the fact OP knows her Dad is extremely unwell with limited time left and that’s before you even get to the family dynamics

@WonderfulYou your comments are at best insensitive.

I haven’t had IVF myself but I have had a good friend and a work colleague go through the mill with this. It is all consuming and the stress is unimaginable. And to be going through this on top of redundancy, father dying, distance away from situation and toxic demands from mum and feckless sister must be absolutely unimaginable and horrendous.

OP our family dynamics were different I was the eldest and most capable, brother middle child has a disability (which has impacted his life but he can drive and hold down a part time unskilled job) although my mum treats him like a baby at home which suits her and he has know idea how to work the washing machine and do simple tasks and which he could learn and master now if given the chance. Younger sister is the problem golden child so I have had to be self sufficient. Whatever, I do it is never good enough or appreciated. I work hard for what we have but sis has always been feckless, complained about money been given handouts, excuses made and she is the favoured child.

Take care OP what an awful situation. Your sister is a taker and your mum is enabling it. xxx

@WonderfulYou this has nothing to do with me blaming IVF? Even if I wasn't going through it, on what grounds is it okay to treat and speak to me like I'm a lesser person because I've not had the privilege of having children?

Like I said, this isn't just because of my dad being in hospital and has been an entire life issue of my mum and sister beating me in to submissive, scapegoat puppet.

I'm a human being too. I need to eat, sleep, shower, work. I have bills to pay. I have responsibilities. Just because I've not popped something out between my legs does not make me any lesser of a person. To run me to the brink of exhaustion where, it's not only a danger to my life, but everyone elses too. On what grounds would you think that's acceptable?

Wait this rings a bell

Didn’t 30 members of your family or to you about your sister getting married, including your dad, and whilst you looked after your parents dogs - your sister got married and you only knew when you saw pictures on FB??!