Dad threatening to cut me off for standing up to him

[NCjan2022]

My dad has always been an abusive arsehole to my mother and also to the rest of us really.

Whenever you disagree with him on something, he threatens no contact. So when younger, I would often just keep quiet and not voice my opinions and not call him out on stuff. Because I was afraid he would not be there for me anymore if I went against him.

Well, I just can't hold my tongue anymore and have called him out on a few things that are not OK. He's again threatening to not come to visit anymore.

What's that about ? Just because someone doesn't agree with you and is starting to hold you accountable, you won't see them anymore ?

Do you actually want him to visit? Because him not visiting sounds like peace on earth.

Or are you putting up with it because he would cut off contact with your mum? Is there a way you can maintain contact with her, without him?

Control! It’s worked all your life.

The first time I stood up to my mum was the last time I saw her in person. Opened a whole can of worms and a was huge awakening for me.

I don't want to not have a relationship with my dad. He's my dad. Even if he has made mistake.

Manipulation and control

I’m afraid to say that there is no way you will change a person who is controlling to this degree.

He will never just accept that you have different opinions from his and respect you for them. He needs to control you.

So you have to decide whether your desire for a relationship with him is worth accepting his control.

What does he bring to your life that outweighs his abuse of you and your mother?

A mistake is typing a 2 when you meant to type 3.

Being an “abusive arsehole” all your life is who he is.

You can’t change him.

If you stand up to him, you may find his threats are empty and he backs down. But also it is likely he won’t back down.

Do you think he’s wondering how to keep his relationship good with you?

Seriously...

"My dad has always been an abusive arsehole"

Let him cut you off. It's his choice. Enjoy the freedom and peace and quiet and see your mum instead.

Most importantly - Have an opinion that is yours. Why should you hold your tongue to keep him happy?

Or you can let him continually threaten you, like a bully, and you'll step back into line and shut your gob?

could you try and develop a more superficial relationship with him, where you stay in each others life, but you have a strategy for when he starts getting weird.
Theres no point standing up to people like this or calling them out. He wont ever be able to think of himself as wrong.
You might have to decide what it is you want from your relationship with him and what sort of things are fantasy and what does he actually have the capability of giving?

Can you have a lunch out in a cafe or somewhere neutral once a week but not talk about politics etc.

Have a strategy about how to leave or change the subject when you can feel it going wrong?

Ive had a complicated relationship with my dad since forever and have had periods of no contact, but we are fairly lowish contact now, but its actually really nice when i do see him. I neither argue with him or confront him, but I dont allow him to make me feel shit either. He used to always trigger me quickly into feeling rejected and abandoned and I would get upset and angry about it but now I wont rise to his bait. I shut it down as nicely as I can. Its taken practice and doing a lot of work on myself.
Its difficult, and hes a character that is probably half the reason i struggled with boundaries for so long, but actually, hes still my dad, and hes a damaged flawed person, but has some really great talents and is an interesting person.

@Branleuse

could you try and develop a more superficial relationship with him, where you stay in each others life, but you have a strategy for when he starts getting weird. Theres no point standing up to people like this or calling them out. He wont ever be able to think of himself as wrong. You might have to decide what it is you want from your relationship with him and what sort of things are fantasy and what does he actually have the capability of giving?

Can you have a lunch out in a cafe or somewhere neutral once a week but not talk about politics etc.

Have a strategy about how to leave or change the subject when you can feel it going wrong?

Ive had a complicated relationship with my dad since forever and have had periods of no contact, but we are fairly lowish contact now, but its actually really nice when i do see him. I neither argue with him or confront him, but I dont allow him to make me feel shit either. He used to always trigger me quickly into feeling rejected and abandoned and I would get upset and angry about it but now I wont rise to his bait. I shut it down as nicely as I can. Its taken practice and doing a lot of work on myself.
Its difficult, and hes a character that is probably half the reason i struggled with boundaries for so long, but actually, hes still my dad, and hes a damaged flawed person, but has some really great talents and is an interesting person.

Our relationship is probably more superficial anyway.

We don't fight often at all.

But he's still a dick to my mum and I had to say enough is enough, because I also felt the heat coming from my mum and other siblings that I need to stand up and say it's not OK how he's behaving. It's not really to do with me. But I've not often told him that he's doing wrong by mum and feel like the other siblings, plus mum are expecting me to say something now.

It's a tough situation.

Call his bluff.
Dad I’d love to have a good relationship with you but I’m not playing mind games. If you don’t want to visit that’s your choice. Don’t use no contact as a threat because it won’t work.

Hoe old are you?

Sounds like your choices are keep quiet about his abuse or never see him. I know which one I would choose
And being abusive isn’t a “mistake”

@Theunamedcat

Hoe old are you?

Well you must have an opinion on that from what I've written. So what is it ?

But he's still a dick to my mum and I had to say enough is enough, because I also felt the heat coming from my mum and other siblings that I need to stand up and say it's not OK how he's behaving. It's not really to do with me. But I've not often told him that he's doing wrong by mum and feel like the other siblings, plus mum are expecting me to say something now.
Arguing with your dad won't change anything. The best thing you can do for your mum is have her call Women's Aid and let her know that she doesn't have to stay in this situation.

My mum did this. Was nasty, controlling and abusive to me and my brother all our lives. We ended up standing up to her after far too long and said she had to stop behaving like this if she wanted to have a relationship with us. She cut us off for the last 7 years of her life and left her substantial estate (£100,000s) divided between various people she hadn’t seen for 40 years and some neighbours. Fuck her. I’ve no regrets!

Your dad sounds the same. Only you can decide if he’s bullying and threats is worth having a relationship with. He won’t change.

It's not your battle to fight for your mum. They have to fix their own relationship.

Take the advice above, regardless of your age.

How old are you compared to your siblings? Are you the only adult hence then expecting you to comment? Does your Mom call or his behaviour and your silence is seen as agreeing with him?

Its really unfair for your Mum and other family members to make you be the one responsible for calling him out.

You are not obliged to have a relationship with him just because you happen to be related to him by accident of birth. If you had a friend who was abusive and brought little enjoyment to your life would you continue to associate with them? So why not apply that to your dad?

You only get one life, don’t allow toxic people to ruin it for you.

Why would you want to be visited by an abusive arsehole? I'd be glad to see the back of him tbh. Just because someone is a blood relative you don't have to like them or have a relationship with them.

@NCjan2022 Your father sounds like mine, nothing more than a manipulative bully who clearly has to be in control of everything and everyone.

I'm no contact with my father and have been for over twenty years and it was the best decision I ever made because as soon as I cut him off there was hardly any stress or drama in my life.

OP call his bluff and let him cut you off you'll enjoy not having to endure his bullying and manipulation, just because he's your dad it doesn't mean you have to put up with his behaviour, would you allow a friend or partner to treat you this way? Also its really unfair of your mother and siblings to throw you under the bus because they don't wanna bare the brunt of your father. Be prepared though that if you cut him off he will most likely use your mother and siblings as his flying monkey's to make you toe the line because whilst he may threaten to cut you off or do it for a few weeks but it wouldn't last because cutting you off means he loses control over you and he wouldn't want that. Ignore all contact from him and if you wanna try with your mother and siblings you need to have very firm boundaries in place, if they bring up your father you put the phone down or walk away from them so they get the message that the topic of your father isn't up for a discussion.

@SleepingStandingUp

How old are you compared to your siblings? Are you the only adult hence then expecting you to comment? Does your Mom call or his behaviour and your silence is seen as agreeing with him?

I'm the youngest. But we are all grownups by a long way.

My df used to do that. Threaten to cut me off without a penny. He didn't speak to me for thirteen years, he was so determined to 'bring me to heel'.
I just shrugged and ignored him. It's the only way to deal with bullies.

And as for the financial threat, a) why should I care and b) everything he had quite rightly went to dm so it was an empty threat any way.

But I've not often told him that he's doing wrong by mum and feel like the other siblings, plus mum are expecting me to say something now.

That’s not on. They can’t ask you to stand up to him FOR THEM. That’s not your role. And there is no reason why you should be suffering the consequences of not seeing your dad because they don’t dar taking that risk themselves.

Having said that, he is abusive and controlling.
You have only two choices

• you let things go as you have done in the past. But you’ll have to live with the fact he is abusive in front of you and it doesn’t sit well with you.
• you dint let things slide and stand up to him. And he will put more and more pressure into you, Incl refusing to see you but also probably isolating you from the rest if the family.

Either choices are hard and difficult.

@MananaTomorrow

But I've not often told him that he's doing wrong by mum and feel like the other siblings, plus mum are expecting me to say something now.

That’s not on. They can’t ask you to stand up to him FOR THEM. That’s not your role. And there is no reason why you should be suffering the consequences of not seeing your dad because they don’t dar taking that risk themselves.

Having said that, he is abusive and controlling.
You have only two choices

• you let things go as you have done in the past. But you’ll have to live with the fact he is abusive in front of you and it doesn’t sit well with you.
• you dint let things slide and stand up to him. And he will put more and more pressure into you, Incl refusing to see you but also probably isolating you from the rest if the family.

Either choices are hard and difficult.

They do say stuff. I'm more removed from the situation. So they thought if I also talk sense into him, it might help because maybe he will listen to me.

Obviously he doesn't and it backfired !