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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad threatening to cut me off for standing up to him

78 replies

NCjan2022 · 30/01/2022 13:09

My dad has always been an abusive arsehole to my mother and also to the rest of us really.

Whenever you disagree with him on something, he threatens no contact. So when younger, I would often just keep quiet and not voice my opinions and not call him out on stuff. Because I was afraid he would not be there for me anymore if I went against him.

Well, I just can't hold my tongue anymore and have called him out on a few things that are not OK. He's again threatening to not come to visit anymore.

What's that about ? Just because someone doesn't agree with you and is starting to hold you accountable, you won't see them anymore ?

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 30/01/2022 13:56

He's again threatening to not come to visit anymore.

Sounds like a win to me.

AngelinaFibres · 30/01/2022 13:58

You can see the rest of your family without him. Nobody needs a father who is an abusive arsehole. Raise your standards

Marvellousmadness · 30/01/2022 14:02

Bye dad.

Kuachui · 30/01/2022 14:05

tbh if someone was an asshole to my mum theb id be right up in theyre face even if no contact occurs.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 30/01/2022 14:11

OK, so,
If your older siblings and your mum won't stand up to him and, from how I have read your posts, will blame you, sod it.
Your mum needs to lead and the older sibs can follow.
If you're more removed from the situation then leave them to it for a while.
In the long run, you're probably going to end up choosing between your Dad and your Mum/sibs if they ever grow a backbone and stop hiding behind you

In your shoes, after your replies, I'd go very low contact with ALL of them and carry on with MY life.

roarfeckingroarr · 30/01/2022 14:14

I couldn't not call out someone being abusive to my mum. Can you imagine if your child stood by as an adult when someone abused you - the person who literally made you, loved you, lost part of their self to in that process, cried when you cried etc?

OnaBegonia · 30/01/2022 14:16

You do not need to have a relationship because he's your dad.
Would you tolerate the behaviour from a friend?
We need to stop allowing family members to behave like arses and still maintain a relationship, they don't deserve your time.

Bluetrews25 · 30/01/2022 14:21

Why do YOU have to rescue everyone, OP?
There is a famous MN saying - you can't argue with stupid. What this means in relation to your dad is that you will never change him, no matter what you say or do. Your DM needs to recognise that and get the hell out if she wants to, as he is NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

daretodenim · 30/01/2022 14:23

You have a sentimental idea of what a relationship with you father is and you're clinging into this ideal. But you also know that the reality is he's an abusive arsehole.

You could give him a chance and tell him - clearly but calmly ie not in an argument or hear if the moment - that his behaviour is unacceptable and must why. He likely won't want to listen or agree. If he cuts you off, well, to be honest, does that fit the sentimental image of a father that you're going will one day come true.

What you stand to lose is the hope that an abusive arsehole will change because you have an ideal image of what fathers are and he could change into it. What you materially stand to lose is an abusive arsehole in your life.

I've had my mother cut me off and I know how painful it can be. But I also know that abusive arseholes are really quite ok with their behaviour because it brings them what they want. Ultimately their abuse brings them feelings of power and control. The moment you stop caring to toe their line, the moment you say "ok, if you feel you have to cut me off that will be sad, but if it's what you feel you have to do, then that's it" is the moment they actually start to lose control. And the point there is that even then, what usually concerns them most is not the other person (you in this case), but their ability to remain in control.

As someone above said, put your mother in contact with Women's Aid. That's far more likely to lead to a positive outcome than living in be in the hope that a long-term abusive arsehole will admit the error of their ways and genuinely change.

milveycrohn · 30/01/2022 14:25

You will not be able to change him.
If you want to maintain contact, then keep visits short. This may be easier where you are visiting him; you have control, and can keep visits short, and not often.

SocialConnection · 30/01/2022 14:30

For context - how old are you all, your siblings, your parents? Are you married, any children?

If you're 15 years old, that's one situation.

If you're 50 with adult children and parents are elderly, that's a different situation with different answers..

knittingaddict · 30/01/2022 14:33

@NCjan2022

I don't want to not have a relationship with my dad. He's my dad. Even if he has made mistake.
Being an "abusive arsehole" is not a mistake.
godmum56 · 30/01/2022 14:33

so are your mum and siblings "saying something"? or are they all expecting to hide behind you?

FailureToLurk · 30/01/2022 14:36

Meh, fuck him off. He seems too much drama and hard work.

And I'm not saying this has someone who hasn't cut their father off.

I'm completely non contact with him and his new family. I have nothing to do with them and they have nothing to do with me. Just the way I like it.

My brother maintains contact with him, and then moans about the drama he causes. 🤣

I just sit back and think, I'm drama free and loving life.

girlmom21 · 30/01/2022 14:37

Does him cutting you off mean you lose contact with your mom?

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 30/01/2022 14:38

Ditch him before he expects you to look after him in his old age.

ThreeLocusts · 30/01/2022 14:42

I was nc with my dad for years. Not pleasant, but perfectly survivable. If that is what it takes for him to stop taking you for granted, no need to avoid it.

LookItsMeAgain · 30/01/2022 14:49

The way I read the situation there are two things you need to do.

Firstly, if you want to maintain a relationship with your mother, you need to tell her that you will always be there for her, if or when she decides for herself that enough is enough and she wants to end her relationship with your father. You need to have a conversation with your siblings and let them know that you'll be there for them too (if you want to be) or not (if you don't want to be) but that you have reached your limit and you will be telling your father that the decision is his entirely but you are no longer going to say "How high?" when he says "Jump!" basically.

Secondly, you need to tell your father that you're no longer going to be a participant in his mind games. If he wants to continue to visit he can but he has to be polite to you and your other guests while visiting and if he doesn't want to visit, that’s his choice too. He is no longer to use "No contact" as a threat because it just won’t work with you any more.

You're no longer going to rise to the bait.

Eightiesfan · 30/01/2022 14:51

Any father who threatens his children this is not worthy of a relationship. Cut him off, see how he like it. My dad was also an emotionally and sometime physically abuser to my mum. But she stood by him and even had a go at us whenever we called him on his crap. You can’t make things better for your mum she has to do that for herself, but you can make that choice for yourself and your children.

trulyconfuseddotcom · 30/01/2022 15:09

Hello - this sounds really tough. Thinking about how your siblings are behaving, is it possible there could be an element of your father saying that because you don't appear to have a problem with his behaviour, it's not a problem? I'm just drawing on my own family experiences - I was the eldest, I moved to another country when quite young, and had a phone relationship with my mum. She was not a great parent to me not my siblings for many reasons but I kept up a civil long-distance relationship. Found out later that my mum had been using that to justify her shitty and damaging actions to my siblings for years, as in "Well trulyconfused doesn't think I'm a terrible person so you're clearly all wrong". Might your dad be doing something similar?

LadyEloise1 · 30/01/2022 16:07

Why in the name of goodness would you want to keep in contact with, as you state an "abusive arsehole" ? @NCjan2022

Is your Mum being coercively controlled ?
Being abused emotionally and financially.
Is she so ground down that she has no fight left in her ?
Why can you and your siblings not get together and call him out on his behaviour ?
Bullies are cowards.
There is strength in unity - you, your mother and your siblings against him.
Has he money - do you and your siblings not want to upset him because you will not get an inheritance ?

Stand up for what is right, though sometimes you're standing alone. Sad

Bad things happen because good people say or do nothing. Sad

MzHz · 30/01/2022 16:32

The threat is a test.

You are supposed to stfu and back down, he wins, you lose, your mum loses, everyone except him loses.

That’s how he wants it. Whatever you do/say to threaten his addiction to power, he’ll say whatever he thinks he needs to to get you to back off.

As with all abusers, they bully through weakness, not power

What he throws at you is what he fears the most

So call his bluff! Honestly it’ll Work, if you can get the rest of your family to tell him that you’re right and he’s got no business being such an arsehole and telling HIM he’s out of your collective lives if he doesn’t stop abusing your mum/family, will have an effect you’re probably not expecting

You’ll win. But you have to work together.

Lundy Bancroft book about angry men (why do they do that) will explain this better if you want more insight into the abusers mind.

Original poster
NCjan2022 · 30/01/2022 16:35

@LadyEloise1

Why in the name of goodness would you want to keep in contact with, as you state an "abusive arsehole" ? *@NCjan2022*

Is your Mum being coercively controlled ?
Being abused emotionally and financially.
Is she so ground down that she has no fight left in her ?
Why can you and your siblings not get together and call him out on his behaviour ?
Bullies are cowards.
There is strength in unity - you, your mother and your siblings against him.
Has he money - do you and your siblings not want to upset him because you will not get an inheritance ?

Stand up for what is right, though sometimes you're standing alone. Sad

Bad things happen because good people say or do nothing. Sad

He's my dad. He's been a dick my whole life, but he's my dad.

Mum is scared of him, we all are to a certain extent.

We've all at different points stood up to him about his behaviour. We grew up in this constant war zone between them and we tried for years to help them sort out our. But as we got older, we realised they need to sort it out between themselves, I guess.

They haven't managed to sort it out obviously and things have come to a head recently.

So they all told me to talk some sense into him as well, as I hadn't yet discussed the new developments.

That's what lead to him saying that he will no longer see me if I bring it up again -aka hold him responsible for being a dick. I had a pretty big go at him last year as well about his dickish behaviour and I guess he still spoke to me afterwards. But I really told him in a much firmer way. Last time I listened to his arguments excusing his behaviour a bit. Not this time. He's full of shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
NCjan2022 · 30/01/2022 16:49

@MzHz

The threat is a test.

You are supposed to stfu and back down, he wins, you lose, your mum loses, everyone except him loses.

That’s how he wants it. Whatever you do/say to threaten his addiction to power, he’ll say whatever he thinks he needs to to get you to back off.

As with all abusers, they bully through weakness, not power

What he throws at you is what he fears the most

So call his bluff! Honestly it’ll Work, if you can get the rest of your family to tell him that you’re right and he’s got no business being such an arsehole and telling HIM he’s out of your collective lives if he doesn’t stop abusing your mum/family, will have an effect you’re probably not expecting

You’ll win. But you have to work together.

Lundy Bancroft book about angry men (why do they do that) will explain this better if you want more insight into the abusers mind.

I think he would just never speak to us all again and play the victim ! But you're right it would be an angle to take and we would all be on board by the way.
OP posts:
InFiveMins · 30/01/2022 16:51

He sounds awful OP and he is walking all over you. He treats you like shit because he knows he can.

Give him a taste of his own medicine and go no-contact with him for a while, see how he likes it.