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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad threatening to cut me off for standing up to him

78 replies

NCjan2022 · 30/01/2022 13:09

My dad has always been an abusive arsehole to my mother and also to the rest of us really.

Whenever you disagree with him on something, he threatens no contact. So when younger, I would often just keep quiet and not voice my opinions and not call him out on stuff. Because I was afraid he would not be there for me anymore if I went against him.

Well, I just can't hold my tongue anymore and have called him out on a few things that are not OK. He's again threatening to not come to visit anymore.

What's that about ? Just because someone doesn't agree with you and is starting to hold you accountable, you won't see them anymore ?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/01/2022 17:01

@NCjan2022 - would it be fair to say that you want to maintain a relationship with the father you wish he was, rather than with the abusive reality? Because that is an absolutely natural and human thing to want. Or maybe you feel that, if you stay in touch, there is a chance that things will ‘come good’ and he will become the person you want him to be, and you don’t want to risk missing out in that - again, perfectly natural and understandable.

Having read your posts, I think you have done the right thing, in standing up to your father. I wonder if you could now tell him that you aren’t going to give in to his emotional blackmail, and will continue speaking the truth as you see it, and it is up to him to decide whether to flounce off or to maintain the relationship?

LadyEloise1 · 30/01/2022 17:08

Why can't your Mum just move out ?
If you are all adults can you help her ?

Original poster
NCjan2022 · 30/01/2022 17:16

@LadyEloise1

Why can't your Mum just move out ? If you are all adults can you help her ?
There's some sort of stand off as to who's going to move out.
OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 31/01/2022 09:25

Based on your last post @NCjan2022, my suggestion would be for the family to get your father out of the house for a short while and shove everything that is his into black sacks and a suitcase and when he returns, hand them to him on the doorstep. He doesn't get to come back into the house any more to abuse anyone.
It'll take everyone to do this but taking a stand as to who is moving out - make it him that moves out. He's the one being a complete arsehole.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 31/01/2022 09:40

Firstly it’s not your argument - your mum needs to get help and you can’t do it for her.
If he is a complete arse to you then sack him off, being abused is not good for your health or self esteem. Life is too short - you should have joy In Your life not this fucker dripping poison into it. He obvs doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself, so why are you putting up with it? You can’t Influence his behaviour- so just don’t engage.

LadyEloise1 · 31/01/2022 09:48

If you are all adult children and independent why do you put up with his abuse ?
Why can't your mother see a solicitor and get a divorce sorted ?
Life is too short, tell her, to put up with his sh*t. She's only here for a short time- why suffer on ?

Gizacluethen · 31/01/2022 09:51

I really don't think anyone but your mum in particular should be expecting you to do this. Just stay out of it. Nothing will change , what she's actually trying to do is get him to direct his dickishness towards you instead of her, using you as her shield and it's not OK.

Original poster
NCjan2022 · 31/01/2022 10:28

@LadyEloise1

If you are all adult children and independent why do you put up with his abuse ? Why can't your mother see a solicitor and get a divorce sorted ? Life is too short, tell her, to put up with his sh*t. She's only here for a short time- why suffer on ?
I think deep down she's afraid of what he might do and I guess so are we a bit. But we keep telling her to discuss it with a solicitor. I will take her myself at this point.
OP posts:
phishy · 31/01/2022 10:34

I also felt the heat coming from my mum and other siblings that I need to stand up and say it's not OK how he's behaving.

You are all condoning the abuse of your mum by keeping a relationship with him.

But it does sound like your siblings are egging you on to be the messenger.

Marmelace · 31/01/2022 10:42

Are the mistakes you are talking about concerning him being violent and abusive to you all?

Original poster
NCjan2022 · 31/01/2022 10:50

@Marmelace

Are the mistakes you are talking about concerning him being violent and abusive to you all?
Not violent constantly against mum, the occasional slap. But lots of threats of killing her and extreme verbal and financial/ controlling behaviour.

Not violent against us really. We just didn't grow up in a very happy home. No alcohol or drug abuse and no financial problems.

Any time we stood up for mum we were threatened with no contact and told that we are ungrateful.

No, my siblings are not hiding behind me. I have moved away from the situation. They deal with it all the time and just want my support too. I need to speak up more often.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 31/01/2022 11:24

Threatening to kill your mother?

Why haven't you contacted the police and have him removed?

He assaults your mother regularly and threatens to kill her?

Why are you putting him ahead of your mother?

Tell the police EXACTLY what is going on and ask to have him removed.

Call Womens aid for advice.

He has been abusive for years.

Get him out of the home.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 31/01/2022 11:28

Not violent constantly against mum, the occasional slap. But lots of threats of killing her and extreme verbal and financial/ controlling behaviour.
Call a police officer immediately and tell then that you are willing to give a statement and to give evidence against him in court. You do not need your mother not your siblings for that and it is the only solution that prevents anyone from getting hurt further.

Mischance · 31/01/2022 11:29

Keep your distance. Call his bluff. You don't need this in your life.

Original poster
NCjan2022 · 31/01/2022 11:31

He's been saying that he will kill her since we were kids, we are used to the threats. We don't take them lightly though and we do worry about it. He doesn't constantly slap her or anything like that. It's been years since he last did.. and yes I know because she tells us.

I think when things come to a head and she does leave for good, we will all take her in and also inform the police. It's going to get nasty, which is why I think it's still going on and it makes it difficult to leave.

OP posts:
JustUseTheDoorSanta · 31/01/2022 11:37

it makes it difficult to leave
Yes, assault and murder can be the result of woollen trying to leave in this situation. That is why you do not make her try to leave, you report to the police by yourself.

Your tone is quite strange, it seems like you don't really understand the severity of what's going on. That may be due to abuse in your childhood, and the fear you all have of him. By all means visit her when he isn't there and see if she'll grab important bits to leave with you immediately, but all that's important is having the police remove him so that he cannot harm her. Please get her away from him today, before you regret leaving it any longer.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 31/01/2022 11:37

*women not woollen!

Runningafteradhdbrain · 31/01/2022 12:03

Call his bluff. Let him cut you off. Sounds like life would be a lot more peaceful!

You are not obligated to stay in contact with him.

LadyEloise1 · 31/01/2022 15:18

Oh lordy it's a whole lot more serious than I understood from your original post @NCjan2022

As others have said, contact Woman's Aid asap and get advice and go from there.

I have no idea how you, your Mum and your siblings have put up with his abusive behaviour for so long.
What age are you and your siblings ?

Look up the case of Lance Hart who murdered his wife and daughter after years of abuse, their two sons/ brothers, Luke and Ryan had managed to get them out of the home to safety ( as they thought ), sadly it wasn't to be and they were murdered in broad daylight by Lance who then killed himself.
I heard one of the sons being interviewed on radio. Heartbreaking Sad

Original poster
NCjan2022 · 31/01/2022 15:27

@LadyEloise1

Oh lordy it's a whole lot more serious than I understood from your original post *@NCjan2022*

As others have said, contact Woman's Aid asap and get advice and go from there.

I have no idea how you, your Mum and your siblings have put up with his abusive behaviour for so long.
What age are you and your siblings ?

Look up the case of Lance Hart who murdered his wife and daughter after years of abuse, their two sons/ brothers, Luke and Ryan had managed to get them out of the home to safety ( as they thought ), sadly it wasn't to be and they were murdered in broad daylight by Lance who then killed himself.
I heard one of the sons being interviewed on radio. Heartbreaking Sad

I guess you have to grow up somehow in that environment. I've spoken to several shrinks about it who've said it's not my problem to solve their problems.

As said previously, it's not constant violence at all. It's more the fear of something very bad happening that scares us all. So we just kind of try to live somehow with it. It's also not constant, but has become worse over the last 5 or so years. Not violence wise at all though. But threats do still occur and we are all scared that if we really do stand up and something big changes, like a proper divorce, where he'll have to part with money, it will get very very bad and we don't know where it could end.

That's how we all feel. A bit stuck. But it's coming to a head. We need to just support her. I won't look at him again if he does the wrong thing ( kicks her out with nothing or worse ).

OP posts:
CovidCorvid · 31/01/2022 15:38

He won’t move out will he. Not when he doesn’t even want to split.

Your mum needs to prioritise her happiness and potentially her life over a physical house. Worse case scenario she moves in with one of you for a bit and as the divorce is settled she gets half the value of the house and buys a new home.

Thisismyrecipe · 31/01/2022 15:38

My mother has cut me off because I refuse to pander to her and put her thoughts and feelings above my own. Being around her is like walking on explosive eggshells.
And I've got to say it's the best thing she's ever done for me.

RedToothBrush · 31/01/2022 15:48

@NCjan2022

I don't want to not have a relationship with my dad. He's my dad. Even if he has made mistake.
You don't have a relationship with your Dad.

Your Dad thinks he owes you. Thats not a relationship.

babybunny123 · 31/01/2022 15:59

My ex used to do that to my daughter. She had enough and the roles were reversed and she cut him off. She has stuck to her guns and now he rings me from time to time crying over her. His big loss !!

FeckTheMagicDragon · 31/01/2022 17:26

It sounds like you are still stuck in the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. As above talk to Womens Aid, better still get your Mum to phone them or email them.