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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To use ex for my benefit

92 replies

Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 10:23

Recently split with my partner after finding out he has a drug problem. He is still living in my house.

We have been together over 10 years and have 3 children together (2 of them are under 2).

I know in my heart 100% I do not want to be with him anymore, I can’t get past this or the lies he’s told and let me live for all these years, but I also feel like I can’t bring up my 3 kids on my own. If they was older and at the age where they are a bit more independent I do believe I would be fine.

My life already feels very hectic and overwhelming at times looking after my 2 babies and that’s with their very hands on father in the picture.

So my aibu is

Would I be making things worse for myself by allowing him to carry on living here until I feel strong enough to do this on my own and make him leave? It would be purely to help out with the kids, childcare, household duties and would also mean I would be better off financially.

Or am I just making a bigger mess of things for myself in the long run? What would you do?

OP posts:

GrazingSheep · 30/01/2022 10:25

What is the situation with his drug taking now?

Original poster

Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 10:26

@GrazingSheep he is claiming to change he will stop bla bla but he’s got a track record for lying so I don’t believe it.

He has bought at home drug tests which I ask him to do weekly. 3 weeks up to now they have been negative.

OP posts:

GrazingSheep · 30/01/2022 10:28

Can you trust him to prioritise the children over drugs?

GrazingSheep · 30/01/2022 10:29

He obviously prioritises drugs over you ..

Lazylegend · 30/01/2022 10:31

What drug is it he's on? As in is it a addictive drug like heroin or crack or is it dope or coke? Will you still be sharing a bed? My concern would be your end up falling back in love with him as you want the happy ending.

Sirzy · 30/01/2022 10:31

I don’t think that would be fair on anyone. If you are sure the relationship is over then it’s best for everyone if you separate and find a new normal rather than living in a limbo.

3scape · 30/01/2022 10:33

If he's not good enough as a partner then why should children be subjected to him?

GrazingSheep · 30/01/2022 10:33

As in is it a addictive drug like heroin or crack or is it dope or coke

I think cannabis and cocaine are also addictive.

Original poster

Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 10:35

@GrazingSheep exactly, I know the drugs are or at least have been more important than me and he has chose that over our relationship. I’m not sure about where it stands over the kids but I know myself I wouldn’t choose that lifestyle whilst having kids so to me that says it all 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

Original poster

Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 10:36

@Lazylegend it’s speed. He’s been sleeping on the couch I wouldn’t have him back in my bed I’m feeling really disgusted towards him at the moment. Honestly I don’t believe I would fall back in love with him even if I wanted to.

OP posts:

Original poster

Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 10:38

@Sirzy this is my worry, I feel like it’s really selfish of me to be considering it but at the same time I don’t know how I’ll manage on my own.

OP posts:

ArchibaldsDaddy · 30/01/2022 10:40

OMG…I’m not sure it takes terribly much to work out whether it’s good or bad to have a drug addict that you don’t want a relationship with in the same house as you and your young children.

If (when) something happens, you will share a substantial burden of the responsibility for it - is that really worth whatever benefit a you get from having this complete liability around the house.

I’m presuming that, as a drug addict (whether clean for the moment or not) he doesn’t really stand out as a particularly shining example of positive male role-modelling either.

Original poster

Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 10:40

@3scape the thing is he is actually a really good dad. He really does do his part with the kids and they adore him. I know how weird it sounds because surely a good dad wouldn’t be taking drugs but he genuinely is good where the kids are concerned.

OP posts:

Firefliess · 30/01/2022 10:41

Sounds like you're just spinning out the pain really. I was in your position once and it was miserable. Making someone leave and being final about it is so hard, but life one the other side so much better!

Piggyk2 · 30/01/2022 10:47

What's your support network like OP? Have you got any nearby friends?

I don't think it would be fair to continue living together also you need to highlight the seriousness of your partners drug taking by one of you moving put so he knows you are serious.

GeneLovesJezebel · 30/01/2022 10:48

Might he have some claim over your house if you let him stay ?

FreedomFaith · 30/01/2022 10:50

[quote Usernamename1]@3scape the thing is he is actually a really good dad. He really does do his part with the kids and they adore him. I know how weird it sounds because surely a good dad wouldn’t be taking drugs but he genuinely is good where the kids are concerned.[/quote]
Playing with them or actually caring for them, like feeding them, changing them, cleaning them, doing all of the dirty jobs not just the fun ones? The first is a Disney dad, the second is an actual dad.

Original poster

Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 10:55

@Piggyk2 yes I have a few friends and I’m quite close to my mum. I haven’t even told anybody in real life yet I feel that ashamed and embarrassed by it all. I know what you mean by trying to make him know I am serious but I don’t even feel like that matters because I know I am serious and he has no chance to make things right with me anyway.

@GeneLovesJezebel no we rent so no financial ties or anything like that

OP posts:

Original poster

Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 10:59

@FreedomFaith yes he does the crap jobs too. I hate even defending any part of him after what he’s done but this is why I’m worried about struggling on my own because he does do a lot around the house and for the kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 11:01

God I realise how weak and pathetic I sound that I can’t even manage to look after my own 3 kids on my own. It’s all such a big mess

OP posts:

newfriend05 · 30/01/2022 11:03

When you say drug addict, how much speed is he taking .. is it daily ?

username1293948 · 30/01/2022 11:05

In what world do you think it’s fair to keep him around for your own benefit until you decide you are strong enough to kick him out?

username1293948 · 30/01/2022 11:06

[quote Usernamename1]@FreedomFaith yes he does the crap jobs too. I hate even defending any part of him after what he’s done but this is why I’m worried about struggling on my own because he does do a lot around the house and for the kids.[/quote]
wow so you want to keep him around to do your housework? Just because he’s a drug addict doesn’t mean it’s fair to use him. Do yourselves both a favour and end it properly.

RainbowBridge21 · 30/01/2022 11:08

Do you want your children to live with a drug addict? Is that fair on them?

PollyPepper · 30/01/2022 11:09

YABVU. Do you work?

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