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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To use ex for my benefit

92 replies

Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 10:23

Recently split with my partner after finding out he has a drug problem. He is still living in my house.

We have been together over 10 years and have 3 children together (2 of them are under 2).

I know in my heart 100% I do not want to be with him anymore, I can’t get past this or the lies he’s told and let me live for all these years, but I also feel like I can’t bring up my 3 kids on my own. If they was older and at the age where they are a bit more independent I do believe I would be fine.

My life already feels very hectic and overwhelming at times looking after my 2 babies and that’s with their very hands on father in the picture.

So my aibu is

Would I be making things worse for myself by allowing him to carry on living here until I feel strong enough to do this on my own and make him leave? It would be purely to help out with the kids, childcare, household duties and would also mean I would be better off financially.

Or am I just making a bigger mess of things for myself in the long run? What would you do?

OP posts:

runningoutofnewnames · 30/01/2022 12:12

I'd be asking him to leave until he got clean, then I'd see about taking him back

You're making assumptions here.

I think we need to hear more from the OP about what kind of drug taker he is.

We don't know if he was addicted or any more than a casual user. We don't know if he had it in the house.

Most people who take speed snort it. Some dab it (take it via mouth). Injecting it is unusual, extreme and would indicate a huge problem. I used to take speed occasionally (as well as MDMA and acid, more often) and know a large number of people who took it recreationally. Most weren't addicted and none injected it AFAIK. I did know some problem users who were addicted to it and it was a huge problem, but it wasn't typical, there was a wide spectrum of typical use. I'd be much more more wary of someone taking coke.

Also we do know he's not taking it now as he's doing drug tests for the OP.

Understanding how he's using speed is important here. It's unwise to give advice on the basis of assuming worst case scenarios.

Peppermint81 · 30/01/2022 12:17

Different opinion here. Do you love him?
Why not help him? There is obviously a reason why he turned to them in the first place. Even boredom, maybe feeling unloved or maybe mental health issue.

He has stopped taking drugs for 3 weeks to make you happy and fix things and trying his best and yet it's still not good enough for you. Im sorry but from what you described a bit of speed is not really a drug addict. I don't think you are giving him a fair chance and treating him poorly.
I mean even thinking I'll keep him around to do the housework WTF you do not sound like you care much about him if your happy to use him like that.

Peppermint81 · 30/01/2022 12:18

Just read he works 6 days a week, looks after kids most evenings and does most housework etc. Poor guy no wonder he needs speed

Original poster

Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 12:22

@Peppermint81 well me too but I have managed all these years without turning to drugs. I also work, look after our kids and do the majority of the house work?

OP posts:

Original poster

Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 12:24

@Peppermint81 but yes I do get your point about there must be a reason he has turned to drugs. Maybe it is is life with kids but then as far as I’m aware most people don’t turn to drugs to cope with that.

OP posts:

Peppermint81 · 30/01/2022 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

runningoutofnewnames · 30/01/2022 12:26

Ok, that is a lot of speed and a habitual problem, not occasional recreational use.

Well done him for stopping. People I know who took speed a lot ended up with episodes speed psychosis which is no joke, and terrible dental issues.

If he's taking it at work to get through the day, that's different to hanging out with mates and getting high. I don't know a lot about this kind of use, but if he's been doing it as a means to an end to provide money, that puts a different spin on things. It feels a bit like people getting addicted to prescription drugs.

I'm not suggesting you should take him back, if you feel you're done, that's your decision. But if you have DC together, you are going to continue to have him in your life in one way or another as the father of your DC and improving communication and understanding each other will help.

counselling doesn't need to be about saving a relationship. STBXDP and I are splitting up, due, largely to communication issues and I'm currently looking for a counsellor to help us communicate while we split up.

MananaTomorrow · 30/01/2022 12:29

@Peppermint81

Maybe he has turned to them because his wife is a selfish control freak?

There are many other ways to deal with a control freak than taking drugs don’t you think? Unless you just want to have a go at the OP for no reason….

FreedomFaith · 30/01/2022 12:34

[quote Usernamename1]@Peppermint81 well me too but I have managed all these years without turning to drugs. I also work, look after our kids and do the majority of the house work?[/quote]
You said he does his fair share of the housework, that's 50%. Now you do the majority? But he works 6 days a week, comes home, takes care of the kids at night while you work and does housework. So how are you doing the majority if you say he does his share and does all that?

Taking drugs is still wrong of course and he shouldn't be doing it.

Peppermint81 · 30/01/2022 12:35

No I'm just trying to help her think from a different perspective. As others have said some counselling should help them to understand what the problem actually is

Clarinet1 · 30/01/2022 12:36

As some PPs have said, counselling does not have to be specifically about trying to save the relationship - it can be about the feeling that you have that you can’t cope without your DP helping with the DCs.

runningoutofnewnames · 30/01/2022 12:37

[quote Usernamename1]@Peppermint81 but yes I do get your point about there must be a reason he has turned to drugs. Maybe it is is life with kids but then as far as I’m aware most people don’t turn to drugs to cope with that.[/quote]
Many people do, tbh. Doctors used to routinely prescribe women valium to get through the day. These days it's drugs like anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs.

Personally, I take amphetamine prescribed by my doctor, as do thousands of DC (ADHD meds).

Most of the country take caffeine daily to help them through the day, and many are in denial that it's a stimulant drug.

Many use alcohol to relax.

I'm not trying to minimise the risk from taking speed so often, to take it habitually is to risk addiction, health and mental health issues.

But, taking it to keep awake at work is different to taking it to get high IMO.

Original poster

Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 12:43

@FreedomFaith well I would have said a fair share is relative to whatever else we have going on. He works more hours than me so it’s only fair I do more chores than him.

OP posts:

Whatwhywhenwhere · 30/01/2022 12:44

Your call OP. The honest truth is, those women who chick the men out end up doing 99% of the work, if they are lucky the man sticks to the contact order, if they are not he turns up once a month for an hour, pays the equivalent of their lunch money each month and they get lumbered with everything. It’s a huge consideration. Especially if he has given up. It’s really easy to say LTB but just know what might follow

Original poster

Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 12:45

@runningoutofnewnames thanks for your replies they are really helpful and you have definitely give me some things to think about. I know I am not perfect I have many faults but drug taking to this extent has never been a life I’ve wanted for me and the kids.

OP posts:

Peachandpearl · 30/01/2022 12:47

What were the effects of his speed addiction? Did it have lots of negative effects on his behaviour and stop him sleeping? Or did it seem to help him function better?

Obviously nobody should be using illegal addictive drugs around their kids, but if using speed helped him to concentrate, work and perform executive functions like organising and time keeping it may be that he is undiagnosed with ADHD and actually needs stimulants to function. Yes, lots of parents don't need that but also many do and because it is through legal prescribing it is a different thing as no illegality, no criminal associates, the dose is controlled and consistent and overseen by a doctor but is essentially an amphetamine based stimulant like speed is. Would you feel the same if he was using Ritalin? It may be worth him Pursuing this as a lot of adults with addiction issues are self medicating for a mental health problem or neurodiversity.

FreedomFaith · 30/01/2022 12:49

[quote Usernamename1]@FreedomFaith well I would have said a fair share is relative to whatever else we have going on. He works more hours than me so it’s only fair I do more chores than him.[/quote]
OK well what about kicking him out until he proves he is over his drug habit? If he is hands on with the kids and wouldn't want to be away from them, that will be the kick up the ass he needs to fix himself. You'll have to be on your own though until he does or if he does, and then you'd need counselling to work on your relationship, but it could fix the issue.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2022 12:54

@Peppermint81

No I'm just trying to help her think from a different perspective. As others have said some counselling should help them to understand what the problem actually is

No, you made a needlessly shitty and nasty comment name-calling. Hence why it was deleted.

runningoutofnewnames · 30/01/2022 12:57

[quote Usernamename1]@runningoutofnewnames thanks for your replies they are really helpful and you have definitely give me some things to think about. I know I am not perfect I have many faults but drug taking to this extent has never been a life I’ve wanted for me and the kids.[/quote]
Yes, I can understand this isn't what you imagined, and it must be a huge shock, to find out that he's been keeping this secret for you for so long.

As I said above, I'm also in the process of splitting up with my DP. We're still living together and tbh I have no idea wtf is going on (communication issues!) and I really hope counselling will help. Many counsellors offer sessions specifically to help navigate separation.

I've been looking for family counsellors - not because so want to get the DC involved in counselling! But because I want a counsellor who understands family life. We did do couples counseling a while back when we still were trying to save the relationship, and I felt the counsellor's lack of understanding of the realities or parenting.

It's all very well to say LTB on MN, but if you have DC, it's a very different ball game isn't it. You can't just kick them out and never think of them again!

With my STBXDP, I hope we can salvage our friendship and learn to coparent effectively. We'll see, only time will tell, but I'm going to try.

runningoutofnewnames · 30/01/2022 13:01

if using speed helped him to concentrate, work and perform executive functions like organising and time keeping it may be that he is undiagnosed with ADHD and actually needs stimulants to function.

That is a REALLY good point. I have ADHD and have been prescribed ritalin. I wasn't diagnosed till I was in my 40s. It's an amphetamine (as is speed) but it works to help with focus and executive function for people with ADHD.

Alternatively, speed certainly does keep you awake. Quite possible he was just taking it to be alert.

runningoutofnewnames · 30/01/2022 13:02

OK well what about kicking him out until he proves he is over his drug habit?

He's already doing drug tests and is clean, so far.

FabriqueBelgique · 30/01/2022 13:06

I don’t blame you for thinking about it. I think it’s shit that a lot of men that have been thrown out basically end up with their old lives back, living it up with their mates while the mother of their child is stuck doing 90% of the child-raising.

Original poster

Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 13:07

A massive shock yes, I feel like I don’t know the person I’ve been with for 10 years of my life it’s very scary. The sad thing for me is I would have helped him out of any hole I’d have done anything to make any problem better for him, why wouldn’t he just come to me. Doing this and hiding behind my back all this time and not speaking to me it has destroyed me and I don’t know how I’ll ever trust somebody again. I know people have a lot worse problems than mine in a relationship I’m just really sad for my kids and it’s hard to imagine a different life to the one ive thought I’ve been living for 10 years.

I hope counselling works for you and you can stay friends, really admire you wanting to make things work better for the sake of you all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 13:10

@Peachandpearl to be honest no I didn’t notice any negative effects , I would have no problem if he needed to be on medication for any medical reasons so thanks for giving me something else to think about because until now I haven’t looked at it that way.

OP posts:

Peppermint81 · 30/01/2022 13:13

Have you asked him why he felt he couldn't speak to you about it?

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