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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use ex for my benefit

92 replies

Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 10:23

Recently split with my partner after finding out he has a drug problem. He is still living in my house.

We have been together over 10 years and have 3 children together (2 of them are under 2).

I know in my heart 100% I do not want to be with him anymore, I can’t get past this or the lies he’s told and let me live for all these years, but I also feel like I can’t bring up my 3 kids on my own. If they was older and at the age where they are a bit more independent I do believe I would be fine.

My life already feels very hectic and overwhelming at times looking after my 2 babies and that’s with their very hands on father in the picture.

So my aibu is

Would I be making things worse for myself by allowing him to carry on living here until I feel strong enough to do this on my own and make him leave? It would be purely to help out with the kids, childcare, household duties and would also mean I would be better off financially.

Or am I just making a bigger mess of things for myself in the long run? What would you do?

OP posts:
Firefliess · 30/01/2022 11:14

It's not unreasonable to expect a degree of co-parenting from him even if you end the relationship. If he's ok to look after the children, you can set that up from the start. If he's nowhere to live where he can have them then focus on things he can do outside the home - eg picking up from school and entertaining for an hour or two, or whatever is practical and helpful to you.

Original poster
Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 11:14

@username1293948 I realise how it sounds.

I am just worried that already with him around to share the upkeep of the house, meet all our children’s physical and emotional needs, school runs, childcare when either of us is working, it is sometimes overwhelming.

Without him here to share the load I’m worried that I will struggle to cope, maybe I won’t but already I find it overwhelming on some days where there are two of us here to get everything done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 11:15

@PollyPepper yes I work evenings when he is back from work to take over with childcare.

OP posts:
FreedomFaith · 30/01/2022 11:15

How do you know you couldn't handle it on your own? You've not tried, he's been helping the whole time.

Many other women manage it so I'm sure you could as well.

Poptart4 · 30/01/2022 11:16

@Lazylegend

What drug is it he's on? As in is it a addictive drug like heroin or crack or is it dope or coke? Will you still be sharing a bed? My concern would be your end up falling back in love with him as you want the happy ending.
This comment is extremely ignorant. Dope and coke are both very addictive. In fact coke addiction is one of the worst addiction there is. I've seen many families destroyed by coke addicts. Especially as its so expensive, people run up thousands of pounds worth of debt with drug dealers.
Original poster
Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 11:20

This is another worry because while he is here and I can be testing him I know he’s not on anything.

If he’s not here I won’t know what he is up to and would that then mean my children have to lose their dad because I can’t trust him not to be on drugs? Feel like I’m drowning in this and I don’t know what I am supposed to do for the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 11:22

@FreedomFaith I know so many women do it and manage just fine I don’t know why I feel like this I need to get a grip

OP posts:
Valdes · 30/01/2022 11:22

What if he slips and puts your DC in an unsafe situation? I can't imagine knowingly having a drug addict around my very young children and I cant imagine it would go down with any safeguarding organisations well

FlamingRoses · 30/01/2022 11:22

Would you even trust him with the children? Is he in a position to contribute at all?

Tbh I’d have thrown him out as soon as I found out.

Firefliess · 30/01/2022 11:22

Some things, like housework, you will just manage if you have to. But others do need planning I'd suggest you make a plan for how you'll manage the childcare without him if you're writing evenings. Either he has them overnight in those days, or he looks after them at yours (both of these need his agreement of course), or you find a babysitter/nanny/aupair or you give up your job/change hours. That problem won't just solve itself by you trying to be stronger.

username1293948 · 30/01/2022 11:23

I understand looking after children and sharing the workload within the home will always be easier if there are two people around to share that burden. However, no matter what he has done, keeping him around solely to make your life easier, when you FULLY intend to eventually kick him out and move on, is not nice. Does he know you intend to ask him to leave? Have you come to any agreement or arrangement after telling him you no longer want to be with him? I just think there is a better way to go about this, OP.

Tempusfudgeit · 30/01/2022 11:26

You want a drug addict to help you with the school runs?

TracyMosby · 30/01/2022 11:27

If he is a good dad like you say, he will be coparenting them and you will have time alone to do what needs doing. He will still share school runs. And a good dad wouldnt be doing drugs when in sold charge of children.
What happens when he meets someone new? Or you do? And youre still living together?

MissMaple82 · 30/01/2022 11:39

So you want a drug user to look after the children?? How do you think single mother do it? I have brought up two children by myself 100% from day dot. Sorry but you need to grow up and stand on your own two feet and not use a drug addict for "support"

Original poster
Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 11:46

@username1293948 I know that is literally it I would be letting him stay purely to make life easier for me, I’m so clouded by hurt and anger at the situation all I can think about is how it’s going to change my kids and my life for the worst. Feeling like are my kids going to have a crap mum as ill have less time for them than before because I have to do all the other stuff on my own. I know that’s selfish but it’s just how I feel right now. We

When I first found out I told him he needs to go, he wants to work through it but I’ve told him I don’t want to. He’s said he will go if that’s what I really want but he doesn’t know how he will afford somewhere on his own so I said he can stay until he’s saved up some money etc. We are not living as if none of this has happened he is aware that I don’t want to be in a relationship with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 11:50

@MissMaple82 I know I should get a grip , I know so many women do it, my own mum was a single mum I know it’s obviously possible I just don’t know why I don’t feel capable right now.

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username1293948 · 30/01/2022 11:53

That doesn’t make you a crap mom! Millions of single moms out there have to juggle absolutely everything to do with their children and home by themselves and are by far crap mothers. You will find when you are put in situations where you have no choice but to cope with it all, you will. Maybe once he has saved up enough money to potentially move out you could revisit this conversation with him.

If you are entirely sure you want out of this relationship then it will be better to use this time to get used to the fact that you will be having to do more on your own. Hopefully you will have a good coparenting relationship with him if he is as good of a dad you say he is.

Lampshading · 30/01/2022 11:54

Where does he get the money from? Where does he buy them from? Where does he keep them- in the house? Where does he take them? What's his behaviour and temperament like on them?

Honestly I grew up with a drug addict in the household and it was horrendous, I hate the rest of my family for not protecting me and forcing me to live with someone like that.

MananaTomorrow · 30/01/2022 11:55

I know that most people voted YABU whereas I voted YANBU.

I think waiting until you feel stronger is ok. A separation to go as smoothly as possible needs preparation.
HOWEVER, if your plan is for him to stay there for years, then I think you’ll be hurt even more. And the dcs too in the process.

If you are sure it’s the end. Then plan for it. Take the time to get organise to leave. Don’t take years. That’s stalling and delaying the inevitable

tkwal · 30/01/2022 11:57

You don't know if you can manage on your own ? You already are. You don't have a partner you can trust or rely on. He's just taking up space on your sofa and as long as he's there your kids have a chance of being exposed to his drugs or the people who supply them. He should see the kids but under supervision

runningoutofnewnames · 30/01/2022 11:58

Can you describe what his drug problem entails?

I assumed you meant coke tbh, which is highly addictive and turns people into absolute arseholes IME.

Speed is a slightly different ball game IMO.

How often was he taking speed? How did it affect your relationship? Was he actually addicted to it or just taking it every so often?

Have you tried counselling together?

PonyPatter44 · 30/01/2022 11:59

How does he take speed? Smoke it, inject it? What if he leaves traces lying around,and one of your kids puts it in his/her mouth? What if he leaves a dirty needle in the house and a child gets hold of it? What if he runs up a debt to someone and they decide to come to your house and attack YOU in front of your kids to get him to pay his debt?

I'd be asking him to leave until he got clean, then I'd see about taking him back.

GrazingSheep · 30/01/2022 12:07

Has he had professional medical help?
How much is he spending?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2022 12:09

Honestly I grew up with a drug addict in the household and it was horrendous, I hate the rest of my family for not protecting me and forcing me to live with someone like that.

Keep reading this OP. You need to really take it on board.

Also, good dads don't spend their money on drugs, especially when it sounds like there's loads of money floating around.

Original poster
Usernamename1 · 30/01/2022 12:12

@runningoutofnewnames i haven’t considered counselling because in my mind I already know I am done with him.

I don’t know what the full truth is because he tells lies and I feel like I can’t believe a thing he says but I will tell you what he has told me.

It’s been going on for at least a few years, no changes to temperament or behaviour. Never suspected a single thing. He’s a hard worker, works 6 days a week, pulls his weight at home and really good with the kids.

He told me he started because he was feeling really tired all the time, he has been taking it while at work to ‘get through the day’.

Been spending at least 300 on it every month.

Tells me it’s not a problem because he can just stop and has now stopped.

I dont know much about drugs or addiction but to me that is definitely a problem and not just the odd episode on a night out or something.

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