To use ex for my benefit

[Usernamename1]

Recently split with my partner after finding out he has a drug problem. He is still living in my house.

We have been together over 10 years and have 3 children together (2 of them are under 2).

I know in my heart 100% I do not want to be with him anymore, I can’t get past this or the lies he’s told and let me live for all these years, but I also feel like I can’t bring up my 3 kids on my own. If they was older and at the age where they are a bit more independent I do believe I would be fine.

My life already feels very hectic and overwhelming at times looking after my 2 babies and that’s with their very hands on father in the picture.

So my aibu is

Would I be making things worse for myself by allowing him to carry on living here until I feel strong enough to do this on my own and make him leave? It would be purely to help out with the kids, childcare, household duties and would also mean I would be better off financially.

Or am I just making a bigger mess of things for myself in the long run? What would you do?

If he's safe for the children to be around then I don't see the harm if it helps you... But only if you trust him to be there.

Some adults with ADHD self-medicate with amphetamines. Whether or not you split up, this could be relevant.

I agree with you about his dishonesty being terrible, though. I have been in a similar relationship with dishonesty, and even though it wasn't cheating it felt like cheating. Actually it felt worse in a way. And I have been cheated on. So I absolutely understand you not wanting to be with him now and it being over. I also totally understand that self medicating with illegal drugs is different to being prescribed medication or self medication with eg. Alcohol or tobacco which are legal. However, I do think that there are a lot of people walking around with a massive internal struggle trying to make their undiagnosed ADHD or other mental health problems and neurodiversity, and without the knowledge of what is wrong with them they try increasingly desperate strategies to self medicate the symptoms of their internal condition. Illegal drugs are always maladaptive IMO in that they are not constructive long term strategies but I do think we do people a disservice when we write them off for turning to desperate means.
The number of opiate addicts who need help for trauma or pain conditions and are fobbed off and left to their own devices, as well as ADHDers using various stimulants and substances, I don't like to write people off forever as parents or employees or citizens. A lot of people will say "he can't be an addict and a good parent". Well in some ways of course they are right, but it is way too simplistic. Actually if he is a good parent and an addict, his motivation to be a good parent may be a good enough incentive to quit the drugs for good. For every addict who cannot stop using no matter how much they love their kids, there is another who responds to the prospect of not being in their kids life as the kind of wake up call they need to stop using completely. It doesn't mean either love their kids more, it's just that some things work for different people. There are many alcoholics who stop drinking when told they have liver damage. Many who drink themselves to death. Many smokers who quit the day they find out they are pregnant, many who smoke throughout pregnancy despite deep shame and self hatred for doing so. Addicts are not all the same. Actually most people to some degree or less are addicts. To sugar, to caffeine, to 'wine o'clock', to running or work. But because these additions are socially acceptable and not out of control, we don't see them as maladaptive in the same way as to other substances. Of course, there are different moral lines people cross and the ability to transgress societal laws and rules is not to be minimised entirely (because it does matter if your Valium comes from the GP or across country lines) but I do think it matters what the persons intention is. Does the person drink to get shit faced and abuse everyone around them, drink drive dangerously and spend money on drink when there is no food in the fridge? Or do they drink to help them sleep and unwind after working long hours in a demanding job making sure everything is provided for? Addicts and addictions are not all the same or equally maladaptive. Its not a clear dichotomy between 'good and bad' or 'addict and non addict' but it is ok to draw your own line as to what is acceptable for you

Do you want your children getting in a car that a drug taker is driving?

Do you want your children (especially yhe eldest) learning that drug taking is ok?

Do you want your children to accidentally pick up some 'sweeties' that have been left lying around your house?

@Lampshading

Where does he get the money from? Where does he buy them from? Where does he keep them- in the house? Where does he take them? What's his behaviour and temperament like on them?

Honestly I grew up with a drug addict in the household and it was horrendous, I hate the rest of my family for not protecting me and forcing me to live with someone like that.

I'm so sorry you went through that.

But, what drug was it your family member took? Because, they're not all the same.

Speed is not the same as, say, crack or heroin. It's much less addictive, for a start.

We don't yet know if he's even addicted. He seems to have come of it pretty easily, and if that continues then the OP's DC aren't growing up with an addict, are they?

Also, someone taking speed to stay awake at work is a very different context to someone taking it to get high.

@Peachandpearl

I agree with you about his dishonesty being terrible, though. I have been in a similar relationship with dishonesty, and even though it wasn't cheating it felt like cheating. Actually it felt worse in a way. And I have been cheated on. So I absolutely understand you not wanting to be with him now and it being over. I also totally understand that self medicating with illegal drugs is different to being prescribed medication or self medication with eg. Alcohol or tobacco which are legal. However, I do think that there are a lot of people walking around with a massive internal struggle trying to make their undiagnosed ADHD or other mental health problems and neurodiversity, and without the knowledge of what is wrong with them they try increasingly desperate strategies to self medicate the symptoms of their internal condition. Illegal drugs are always maladaptive IMO in that they are not constructive long term strategies but I do think we do people a disservice when we write them off for turning to desperate means. The number of opiate addicts who need help for trauma or pain conditions and are fobbed off and left to their own devices, as well as ADHDers using various stimulants and substances, I don't like to write people off forever as parents or employees or citizens. A lot of people will say "he can't be an addict and a good parent". Well in some ways of course they are right, but it is way too simplistic. Actually if he is a good parent and an addict, his motivation to be a good parent may be a good enough incentive to quit the drugs for good. For every addict who cannot stop using no matter how much they love their kids, there is another who responds to the prospect of not being in their kids life as the kind of wake up call they need to stop using completely. It doesn't mean either love their kids more, it's just that some things work for different people. There are many alcoholics who stop drinking when told they have liver damage. Many who drink themselves to death. Many smokers who quit the day they find out they are pregnant, many who smoke throughout pregnancy despite deep shame and self hatred for doing so. Addicts are not all the same. Actually most people to some degree or less are addicts. To sugar, to caffeine, to 'wine o'clock', to running or work. But because these additions are socially acceptable and not out of control, we don't see them as maladaptive in the same way as to other substances. Of course, there are different moral lines people cross and the ability to transgress societal laws and rules is not to be minimised entirely (because it does matter if your Valium comes from the GP or across country lines) but I do think it matters what the persons intention is. Does the person drink to get shit faced and abuse everyone around them, drink drive dangerously and spend money on drink when there is no food in the fridge? Or do they drink to help them sleep and unwind after working long hours in a demanding job making sure everything is provided for? Addicts and addictions are not all the same or equally maladaptive. Its not a clear dichotomy between 'good and bad' or 'addict and non addict' but it is ok to draw your own line as to what is acceptable for you

Agree with this 100%.

Many people on this thread seem to be reacting to a stereotype of a typical heroin or cocaine addict, not finding out what's actually going on.

Only if he knows what the craic is.

Otherwise it's the same as him using you for sex, childcare bla bla which would be pretty shitty.

I had three under 2 and three jobs just to keep my show on the road when I split from my husband.

@AnotherSillawithanS yes I wouldn’t be stringing him along under false pretences, he knows it’s over.

That’s amazing how did you find it going it alone?

@runningoutofnewnames yeah that's a fair point.

OP, how long has he turned to speed to get him through? As he is working 6 days a week and pulling his weight at home with kids and agreeing to weekly drug test, in your place I would let him stay for now whilst you have 2 under 2 but if he failed a drug test he would be out. He can't be addicted if he can be clean for 3 weeks. I would tell him he's on his final chance but if can keep clean for 4 months would re-evaluate if relationship could work. If he is taking weekly test kids are benefitting from him being there.

Honestly so conflicted after reading @Peachandpearl and @runningoutofnewnames replies. Feeling like have I been a bitch ending it all while he’s suffering a genuine mental issue. Or am I just hoping that’s what it is to explain away and excuse what he’s done.

I don’t want to be with him anymore after this but then If he’s suffering mental issues I would hate to leave him and not support or help him with it.

Would it be worth looking into some couple counseling to discuss your options? Even if you decide to split up, you're going to be co-parenting with him for the long haul so understanding better why he's taken drugs and lied to you might help you, and he might move on better if he understands why that's broken your trust so badly. You've every right to be hurt and to end things if you want to, but it is up to you and good to get all the help you can with that decision.

@Usernamename1

Honestly so conflicted after reading *@Peachandpearl and @runningoutofnewnames* replies. Feeling like have I been a bitch ending it all while he’s suffering a genuine mental issue. Or am I just hoping that’s what it is to explain away and excuse what he’s done.

I don’t want to be with him anymore after this but then If he’s suffering mental issues I would hate to leave him and not support or help him with it.

I don't think any of us can have any idea what the truth of the matter is, based on the info here, as even you don't - and you know your DP really well!

He may not even know himself. I mean, if you'd asked me, any time till my early 40s, if I'd taken lots of drugs in my teens and 20s because I was struggling with executive dysfunction or had some kind of neurodiversity, I'd have said no, I did it because it was fun. I had no clue about ADHD, nor any inkling I had it!

I went for diagnosis for ADHD after supporting my DS through ASD diagnosis, learning more about neurodiversity and the penny dropped that ADHD might explain a lot, for me. (And, it did). And now, while it's still true that I took drugs because they were fun, I can see the extent I took them, the risks I took and the way I used them as props had a lot to do with how my brain functions (or, is dysfunctional at times).

Your DP may or may not be neurodiverse, this could be a massive red herring! He may simply have taken a stimulant to keep awake and got into a habit of doing it.

You won't know without talking to him, though. Are you usually good at communicating with each other? Are you able to communicate at the moment?

You can’t leave a known drug user in the house with your little children. You just can’t.

the thing is he is actually a really good dad. He really does do his part with the kids and they adore him.

He really, really isn’t. I read this so much on here from posters talking about appalling men.

Women are so conditioned to accept scraps from men and just be grateful they don’t beat us to death. He has put a shitty drug like speed ahead of his family. He’s a terrible person and a worse father.

Keeping him in the house to control his negative drug testing results is a fool’s errand. Tell him to fuck off and sort his shit out or this ‘wonderdad’ can kiss goodbye to a relationship with his kids. They’re small, they’ll forget him soon enough.

Then I suggest you tell your family and friends, you need support.

I think by keeping him in the house that you may be enabling him to continue.

Op, to answer your question, it has been and continues to be the hardest slog of my life.

No help from ex, practical or financial.

Bastard.

@AnotherSillawithanS thanks for your honest answer this is what I’m worried about. Really hope you’re okay and have support from friends and family if not the kids dad x