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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is not that interested?

111 replies

Trippingslippingx1 · 30/01/2022 08:40

38/M I am 35/F
Both never married and no kids

Anyway after second date Friday night - concert, food and drink we smooched on street which waiting for taxi and arranged to meet this Friday and he said to me ‘I am looking to take things slow’. Yesterday we messaged a bit in the morning and I have not heard back from a question I asked?

I mean the date seemed to go well from my end but maybe he has changed his mind.

My heart always sinks when they say anything along the lines of ‘go slow’ ‘go with the flow’.

Let me know what you all think. AIBM (Am I being mental) 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 30/01/2022 10:38

@HerBigChance

Whenever anyone says 'go with the flow', I always ask myself who's deciding what that 'flow' is.
Yes its usually the one saying it - isnt it? He did not say the dreaded ‘go with the flow’ But the ‘lets take it slow’ 😂 which is just marginally better
OP posts:
Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 30/01/2022 10:40

@Bringsexyback

I actually said those very words I want to take things slow last night to a guy that I am extremely interested in and I am and I’m more than happy to hang out with him kiss the face off and do things together and enjoy each other’s company I’m just not quite ready to go to 3rd base. We will just not immediately
Oh wow thats cool! So you are very interested? Thats a good perspective! I am not ready to go to third base with this one anytime soon - and I get the idea he is actually quite unexpierenced with woman? So I wonder if there is a bit of that going on. Xxxxx
OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 30/01/2022 10:56

I do not think I am going to bother with this one again

Why?
Just because he’s not replied quickly enough?

If you don’t like him then fair enough but to decide not to bother with him again because he didn’t reply about whether he’s making a beetroot salad is pretty extreme.

Yes it could mean he’s not into you or it could just be that he’s busy, or forgot he’s not replied.
Stop overthinking things.
He’ll let you know whether he’s interested or not soon enough.

WonderfulYou · 30/01/2022 10:57

I also wouldn’t pay much attention to when a man says they want to take things slow - it could mean they’re not interested, a virgin, gay etc but more likely it’s a line that makes females more attracted to them.

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 30/01/2022 11:08

Right ladies
I am going to do nothing for now
And I will keep you informed about fridays date if it goes ahead etc
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

OP posts:
Bringsexyback · 30/01/2022 11:47

@Trippingslippingx1 I really really like him but there’s lots of other stuff going on in my life that’s demanding my attention right now at the back of my mind I’m also thinking that if we had an accident condom split or something that would be a major inconvenience in my life and make things very difficult so the easiest way to completely mitigate that risk is to just not do it yet. The only caveat I would add to all that this is the dances my texts when I know he is able to do so so that also comes with getting to know somebody and their availability. For example mine works in a school so I know that between certain hours I’m not getting a text. He also plays sport at the weekend so again the phones in a locker. This all develops with time you just gotta chill and let it happen

Iamthewombat · 30/01/2022 11:54

Beetrootgate 😀😀😀

You are a laugh, OP. you’re going to come out of the dating years with a good ‘un.

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 30/01/2022 12:06

[quote Bringsexyback]@Trippingslippingx1 I really really like him but there’s lots of other stuff going on in my life that’s demanding my attention right now at the back of my mind I’m also thinking that if we had an accident condom split or something that would be a major inconvenience in my life and make things very difficult so the easiest way to completely mitigate that risk is to just not do it yet. The only caveat I would add to all that this is the dances my texts when I know he is able to do so so that also comes with getting to know somebody and their availability. For example mine works in a school so I know that between certain hours I’m not getting a text. He also plays sport at the weekend so again the phones in a locker. This all develops with time you just gotta chill and let it happen[/quote]
Aye I know what you mean

You really have to protect yourself from this happening. I hope it goes well for youuuu x x x

OP posts:
Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 30/01/2022 12:19

@Iamthewombat

Beetrootgate 😀😀😀

You are a laugh, OP. you’re going to come out of the dating years with a good ‘un.

Thanks doll x x x

You know what I have noticed though - and I do not know if anyone else has noticed this, men are FAR more emotional about stuff than we give them credit for. Like I once told a guy when I was 16 I preferred his friend OK on a night out when we were drunk (you could get away with it then in rural towns) and honestly, this man is now married with kids and all and at Christmas he was pissed and he brought it up again!!! I was like Craig it was 16 years ago!! He was like it was hurtful!! I was like for fuck sake!!!!

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 30/01/2022 12:19

I'd date you, OP. He's an idiot.

ihatesoaps · 31/01/2022 10:30

Has he been in touch yet?

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 02/02/2022 15:46

Yes he has been in touch.

He thought I was ghosting him?
Communication has gone back to normal?
Not sure what that was about?
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 02/02/2022 15:46

He said ‘I thought your phone was broken’.

OP posts:
DarkCorner · 02/02/2022 15:55

*DrSbaitso:
I always think I'll get flamed for this, but I never do, so maybe it's not as controversial as I think. I don't think women should pursue men. That's not because I think we are pretty passive princesses who must let men make the decisions. It's because I find men will rarely turn down the chance of a sexual relationship if it's made a possibility, even if they are pretty indifferent or ambivalent about the woman, and it leads to relationships where they make no effort and aren't all in. Men are generally pretty good at pursuing what they want, and so if they let you know their interest (in a healthy way, obviously), it's a much better indication that they do truly like you and are prepared to make some effort for you.

I don't think women should be hanging around the phone waiting for them. Go off and live your life. Do active stuff. Just don't pursue him.

I am aware there will be exceptions, but in real life I've never seen this lead to a relationship that I'd want to have.*

Yes, yes, yes. Totally agree and learnt the hard way! If you're obviously keen and a man isn't unattracted to you, in many cases he will go for it as a stop gap or bit of sex without even thinking about it. I hate it as I'm a feminist and don't think it should be this way but when you're actually out there dating, you need to do what works to preserve your precious time and energy.

DarkCorner · 02/02/2022 16:00

Glad he's back (I think!). I don't think the taking it slow comment is necessarily a red flag. But how did he think you were ghosting him when you had asked him a question that he didn't reply to?! Sounds a bit odd - maybe he had other (1st/2nd/3rd?) dates in the meantime and wanted to see how they panned out. How long has he been doing OLD?

ThreeRingCircus · 02/02/2022 16:03

When I met my now DH I remember thinking after date 2 we wouldn't be seeing each other again. We'd had a lovely time but the text situation seemed stilted and a bit.....forced. It turned out he really wasn't very experienced in dating, had never had a previous relationship etc but I gave him a chance because he seemed like a decent, kind bloke and it blossomed. He too would have text me something mundane about beetroot at the start and I'd have been Hmm but turns out he's a great guy, we just needed time to get to know one another. I felt I'd been conned into always expecting fireworks but those relationships had been a disaster for me. DH and I's relationship was a slow-burn but I love the pants off him.

I dunno OP, he might be the one! Or not..... but you can only see how it goes.

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 02/02/2022 16:06

I really do not think he has much expierence dating - I do not know why I think this

He has had a couple of short one year relationships - I wonder if he avoidantly attached type

During the dates I mean he has been a gentleman
He actually asked me ‘How does you feel the patriachy affects you as a very accomplished woman’.

I was too stunned to speak.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 02/02/2022 16:07

I suppose the beetroot message was not a very important message - maybe he had other dates maybe not? He is very attractive so I imagine he does get alot of attention from the ladies. 🥵

OP posts:
AlbertBridge · 02/02/2022 17:37

When did you hear from him after SaladGate?

I knew that wouldn't be the last of him. He sounds nice and you sound lovely!

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 02/02/2022 19:52

It was the Tuesday - but he had been working night shift! Tuesday morning! So a 3 day interlude.

Oh I was SO CLOSE to texting 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 02/02/2022 19:53

@ThreeRingCircus

When I met my now DH I remember thinking after date 2 we wouldn't be seeing each other again. We'd had a lovely time but the text situation seemed stilted and a bit.....forced. It turned out he really wasn't very experienced in dating, had never had a previous relationship etc but I gave him a chance because he seemed like a decent, kind bloke and it blossomed. He too would have text me something mundane about beetroot at the start and I'd have been Hmm but turns out he's a great guy, we just needed time to get to know one another. I felt I'd been conned into always expecting fireworks but those relationships had been a disaster for me. DH and I's relationship was a slow-burn but I love the pants off him.

I dunno OP, he might be the one! Or not..... but you can only see how it goes.

I have had friends say similar - an aquantaince who went on a couple of dates with a guy a few years ago did not hear from him for four weeks. And now they are getting married and having kids wooo!
OP posts:
AlbertBridge · 02/02/2022 21:21

I'm wondering if he didn't get your SaladGate 🥱 text? If he was thinking your phone was broken? Maybe he thought his Aldi beetroot text was just sitting there on read?

ihatesoaps · 05/02/2022 16:00

Did you go out on a date yesterday?

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 09/02/2022 09:21

So update - he did not mention the date on Friday as post nights so understandble. My friend was with him on night shifts and was exhausted also.

He then told me he was keen to see me Tuesday (last night) - on Monday he told me he had to cover for someone at work so could not come so we facetimed on Monday. He seemed complimentary and so excited to see me. Yesterday, the same thing happened with messaging. I asked him ‘How is teaching?’ At 12pm After texting normally and bit and no reply at all.

Very mixed messages.

At yoga this morning and was meditating about it - I think he is one of these avoidantly attached guys who thinks he wants a relationship.

Not sure what to do at this point?
Options - block/delete, send him a message to explain a relationship cannot be built on inconsistency, or just continue as normal with the hope that time and space it will sort itself out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 09/02/2022 09:23

I said I was going out with girlfriends on Thursday this week and he said ‘make sure you stay away from any boys’. 😂

OP posts:
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