To think he is not that interested?

[Trippingslippingx1]

38/M I am 35/F
Both never married and no kids

Anyway after second date Friday night - concert, food and drink we smooched on street which waiting for taxi and arranged to meet this Friday and he said to me ‘I am looking to take things slow’. Yesterday we messaged a bit in the morning and I have not heard back from a question I asked?

I mean the date seemed to go well from my end but maybe he has changed his mind.

My heart always sinks when they say anything along the lines of ‘go slow’ ‘go with the flow’.

Let me know what you all think. AIBM (Am I being mental) 🤣

My experience with dating is limited but I personally don't see any red flags here? It could go either way. FWIW I'm terrible at answering messages unless I feel the other person NEEDS a reply (e.g they are going through something), if the conversation is lighthearted and a bit silly I might read the message on my home screen while doing something else, think 'I'll reply later' and then... not reply. Other people do likewise to me. It doesn't mean I don't care about them, and I never think they don't care about me either.

If he likes you he'll want to see you again and he'll text/call to let you know! It's ok not to text him again though since you were the last one to say something.

100% agree with something2say

@DrSbaitso

I always think I'll get flamed for this, but I never do, so maybe it's not as controversial as I think. I don't think women should pursue men. That's not because I think we are pretty passive princesses who must let men make the decisions. It's because I find men will rarely turn down the chance of a sexual relationship if it's made a possibility, even if they are pretty indifferent or ambivalent about the woman, and it leads to relationships where they make no effort and aren't all in. Men are generally pretty good at pursuing what they want, and so if they let you know their interest (in a healthy way, obviously), it's a much better indication that they do truly like you and are prepared to make some effort for you.

I don't think women should be hanging around the phone waiting for them. Go off and live your life. Do active stuff. Just don't pursue him.

I am aware there will be exceptions, but in real life I've never seen this lead to a relationship that I'd want to have.

I agree with you.

@DrSbaitso

Men who are interested will let you know somehow.

This is such an undeniable truth.

Any man who leaves a question hanging isn't interested. It's hard but it's true.

I think by NOT answering he's communicating to you without words that he's not that interested.

As others have confirmed, you're right to pull back.

Date other people. HOPEFULLY find one who is so certain that he wants to see you again that he wouldn't risk losing you by ignoring you.

@DrSbaitso

I always think I'll get flamed for this, but I never do, so maybe it's not as controversial as I think. I don't think women should pursue men. That's not because I think we are pretty passive princesses who must let men make the decisions. It's because I find men will rarely turn down the chance of a sexual relationship if it's made a possibility, even if they are pretty indifferent or ambivalent about the woman, and it leads to relationships where they make no effort and aren't all in. Men are generally pretty good at pursuing what they want, and so if they let you know their interest (in a healthy way, obviously), it's a much better indication that they do truly like you and are prepared to make some effort for you.

I don't think women should be hanging around the phone waiting for them. Go off and live your life. Do active stuff. Just don't pursue him.

I am aware there will be exceptions, but in real life I've never seen this lead to a relationship that I'd want to have.

No I totally agree with you.

If Is about letting wishy washy men fall at the wayside and not flogging a dead horse but asking to meet up. If men think they can get sex they will continue the charade for as long as it suits them.

They need to show interest and persue of there is no point.

He's not into you. If he was he'd answer your text. You're right not to contact again.
My husband once took a bus to the airport with me in the early days of us meeting. I was really busy with work/social life when I first met him and literally had no time before I flew out to catch up that week.so he rode the bus for an hour to the airport so he could spend time with me. Sent me on my holiday and bused home again.
If they're into you they'll find a way.

Maybe he's still considering his answer re. beetroot salad?

For me, the question would be, did you enjoy the concert, food, drink and his company? Did you have a nice time?

If so, I'd see him again. I wouldn't chase him, but I'd go to whatever you have planned for the next date. But make sure it's something you will enjoy. Don't waste your time doing something you won't like. If you enjoy the date then whatever happens next, it's fine. Either you've had a few nights out with someone whose company you enjoy and that's it or its the start of something. Neither of those things are bad.

Take a leaf out of his book and take it slow. You don't need to decide now if marriage is on the horizon.

@DrSbaitso

I always think I'll get flamed for this, but I never do, so maybe it's not as controversial as I think. I don't think women should pursue men. That's not because I think we are pretty passive princesses who must let men make the decisions. It's because I find men will rarely turn down the chance of a sexual relationship if it's made a possibility, even if they are pretty indifferent or ambivalent about the woman, and it leads to relationships where they make no effort and aren't all in. Men are generally pretty good at pursuing what they want, and so if they let you know their interest (in a healthy way, obviously), it's a much better indication that they do truly like you and are prepared to make some effort for you.

I don't think women should be hanging around the phone waiting for them. Go off and live your life. Do active stuff. Just don't pursue him.

I am aware there will be exceptions, but in real life I've never seen this lead to a relationship that I'd want to have.

I'm single and I won't flame you although I might have done up until a decade ago.

Not once did a man I was interested in ever pursue me, so for a long time my ''rationale'' which seemed sound was that if I didn't pursue, nothing would happen. And I was right about that. But perhaps men I was interested in would have pursued me if instead of trying to make things happen I just did my thing, pottery courses, dress design, psychology, yoga, doing all of what I love to do now to spark joy, ground myself and look after myself. I can hardly remember but in my 20s, I might have ruled out interests on the grounds that I would hardly meet a man threading up a sewing machine.

I'm single in my 50s and that's ok for me now, but I realise now that after getting through my 20s and seeing NOTHING happen, nobody pursued me, I thought I had to be the one to pursue. I wish I'd just thought, what sparks joy? If I knew I was going to be single forever, what would I do?

@MistyFrequencies

He's not into you. If he was he'd answer your text. You're right not to contact again. My husband once took a bus to the airport with me in the early days of us meeting. I was really busy with work/social life when I first met him and literally had no time before I flew out to catch up that week.so he rode the bus for an hour to the airport so he could spend time with me. Sent me on my holiday and bused home again. If they're into you they'll find a way.

Agree

@UserBot9to5 I am in my 30s and I wish I had the attitude I had now (which is similar to yours) in my 20s. So much time wasted. I have definately fallen victim to the thought if I do not do anything nothing will happen - and it got me nowhere whatsoever. Texting them first - arranging dates. A fear based narrative that resulted in men rightly or wrongly having no respect for me.

It's been 2 dates! Calm down.

Relax on the texts, and hear his words. He's said he wants to go slow. To me, I'd read that as he wants to keep things very casual and low-key, and he's already finding you a bit intense. If you're already at the "why hasn't he replied to me?!?" stage after spending, what? 5 or 6 hours together? - then you're likely already on very different pages.

Don't contact him and wait. If he is really interested he will be back in touch.

But also you have to ask yourself is that really what you want? to be with someone who isn't communicating with you regularly and who wants to 'go slow'? if that is making you insecure (and rightly so..) then just move on.

I would also date other people. If he is not sure and 'wants to go slow' then you see other people and don't make him a priority.

@NuffSaidSam

Maybe he's still considering his answer re. beetroot salad?

For me, the question would be, did you enjoy the concert, food, drink and his company? Did you have a nice time?

If so, I'd see him again. I wouldn't chase him, but I'd go to whatever you have planned for the next date. But make sure it's something you will enjoy. Don't waste your time doing something you won't like. If you enjoy the date then whatever happens next, it's fine. Either you've had a few nights out with someone whose company you enjoy and that's it or its the start of something. Neither of those things are bad.

Take a leaf out of his book and take it slow. You don't need to decide now if marriage is on the horizon.

I did 💜 I has a lovely time at concert and we chatted until we were literally thrown out of the bar

[quote Trippingslippingx1]@UserBot9to5 I am in my 30s and I wish I had the attitude I had now (which is similar to yours) in my 20s. So much time wasted. I have definately fallen victim to the thought if I do not do anything nothing will happen - and it got me nowhere whatsoever. Texting them first - arranging dates. A fear based narrative that resulted in men rightly or wrongly having no respect for me.[/quote]
Yes, fear based narratives. I felt like I had a shelf life. More patriarchal bullshit.

As you say, men rightly or wrongly lost respect for me and I couldn't figure out why.

I could never understand it because I had played by the ''rules'' and it might have been the fourth date before I had sex. But I was just too keen for it to be something because I wasn't enough on my own. I wouldn't have been consciously aware of that though.

And every rejection hit harder which made my core feelings of inadequacy a bit worse every next time.

And it's hard to see this, because with my friends I was confident, happy, funny, secure. It was only in ''relationships'' that never got off the ground that I was insecure.

I have had friendships with the some of the same school friends for over 30 years! So on the one hand I was convinced the problem wasn't me.

The Rules (a book that always works, even though you often feel like throwing it across the room) says you shouldn't text men at weekends unless it's to confirm plans for the date.

He should be wondering what you're doing, where you are, who you're with... Silence is golden! They always picture you doing something FAR more glamorous and exotic than twist you're actually doing.

Why did you text him about where you were? What was your motivation there? To remind him of your existence, to show him you we're out having fun, to hopefully get another date request..?

If that juice bar was something you'd spoken about on the date, like it's a place you both like, you still shouldn't have texted him about it on the weekend. Just told him you'd gone to it next time you we're out with him on a date. In between dates you VANISH.

I don't know why you even asked him if he was going to make a beetroot salad?? You've seen him twice. You literally do not care if he eats a salad.

In the matter of learning not to chase...

Its interesting isn't it. My aha moment came late I think. Maybe mid 30s. Something was said that upset me, I can't remember what it was, but some put down where I came off as desperate. And that was that. I even wrote in my journal about it. That I was never going to be proactive about seeing a man again. The disparity between what I'd do set against what he was doing just made me think, no, I am too old for this shit, to think it's ok, to actively seek this out. I've got better things to do.

And I changed. I laid down standards. I turned away from poor behaviour. I prized what I actually thought. I made plans to please me. I wish I had gone further as I tolerated a five year relationship that wasn't that great. There really is more to life than having a man. I wish I'd been a musician. I am being one now.

@UserBot9to5
Yes you are not the problem.

I think a few years ago I would have reached out to this guy and even deluded myself of his interest. Whereas now I just see it for what it is. His loss 😂

That I was never going to be proactive about seeing a man again.

This advice is in another dating book, The Technique of the Love Affair. She says something like, while your words should imply a desire to be with him, none of your actions should.

@AlbertBridge

The Rules (a book that always works, even though you often feel like throwing it across the room) says you shouldn't text men at weekends unless it's to confirm plans for the date.

He should be wondering what you're doing, where you are, who you're with... Silence is golden! They always picture you doing something FAR more glamorous and exotic than twist you're actually doing.

Why did you text him about where you were? What was your motivation there? To remind him of your existence, to show him you we're out having fun, to hopefully get another date request..?

If that juice bar was something you'd spoken about on the date, like it's a place you both like, you still shouldn't have texted him about it on the weekend. Just told him you'd gone to it next time you we're out with him on a date. In between dates you VANISH.

I don't know why you even asked him if he was going to make a beetroot salad?? You've seen him twice. You literally do not care if he eats a salad.

He had texted me to ask how I was and if I was en route to my massage - I said yes, I have gone via the juicy bar and sent a pic which the juice contained beetroot. He then said he would getting some beetroot and I asked if he would make it into a salad? I have not messaged him since 😂

@Iamthewombat

I think he has just gone off me for whatever reason.

More fool him. This happened all the time to me and my friends when we were on the dating scene. We surmised that the men in question had this idealised image of their perfect woman and projected it on a range of dates until they realised that you didn’t quite fit the template. Didn’t like windsurfing, or Led Zeppelin, or were a bit too independent, or reminded them of a relative they didn’t get on with, or something. Don’t take it personally.

Yes, I know it's just a sitcom but The Big Bang Theory summed it up hilariously when just as Howard Wolowitz miraculously had the chance to get together with Bernadette, was she mad?!!? he sabotaged it by cancelling her to sit home fantasising about getting together with Katee Sackoff

I always wonder how a person can take it slow if they're crazy in love. So, taking it slow shouldn't last long as a phase.

@something2say

In the matter of learning not to chase...

Its interesting isn't it. My aha moment came late I think. Maybe mid 30s. Something was said that upset me, I can't remember what it was, but some put down where I came off as desperate. And that was that. I even wrote in my journal about it. That I was never going to be proactive about seeing a man again. The disparity between what I'd do set against what he was doing just made me think, no, I am too old for this shit, to think it's ok, to actively seek this out. I've got better things to do.

And I changed. I laid down standards. I turned away from poor behaviour. I prized what I actually thought. I made plans to please me. I wish I had gone further as I tolerated a five year relationship that wasn't that great. There really is more to life than having a man. I wish I'd been a musician. I am being one now.

I had an AHA moment last year following a horrific encounter with a creep from Tinder.

I posted about it on Mumsnet and a very kind poster who I will be forever thankful to suggested I look on Female Dating Stategy and I read that and absorbed alot of it. Also reading the book @AlbertBridge suggested - I also read some of the threads on Mumsnet and there is some really good advice.

He had texted me to ask how I was and if I was en route to my massage - I said yes, I have gone via the juicy bar and sent a pic

Ah ok. Bugger. You had him exactly where you wanted him before you texted. He was dreaming about you being massaged and wanting to hear from you.

If you hadn't replied he'd have spent the weekend in a total froth. As it was, you accidentally turned the conversation into a chat about healthy eating.

Honestly please just learn to ignore men. Always at the weekends. You're not obliged to answer questions in texts (as he is proving). Just ignore.

@crossstitchingnana

I always wonder how a person can take it slow if they're crazy in love. So, taking it slow shouldn't last long as a phase.

I have told men ‘I am taking it slow’ - its when I was not interested and trying to allow my consiousness to catch up with my feelings. Because usually on paper they are everything I am looking for.

On threads of this type, where it is obvious that the man isn’t particularly committed after a couple of dates, someone always, ALWAYS comes along in the first two pages to sagely inform the OP that she is “overthinking it”. This thread hasn’t let me down.

The hilarious beribboned book thread from last year - which turned out to be made up - was awash with posters telling the OP that she was overthinking it and egging her on to contact a man who wasn’t responding to her texts.