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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Meeting my new bf children

87 replies

angelicwave · 29/01/2022 19:16

I have been seeing a guy for over 14 months , he’s what I look for in a man, after my marriage ended I thought I would never find someone or be with anyone else, my 3 children adore him as do I…
It’s a long distance relationship and I have decided to move down close to him as I currently work full time with the Nhs which at the moment is busy to say the least, I currently see him once a week whilst trying to sell my house, I have a lot going on, my writing here is to ask a general census on something,
His ex wife has stated that I shouldn’t meet the kids until we are serious, which I get as I wouldn’t want that for my children either but what I don’t get is I can’t phone whilst his children are there, after 13 months and us talking about our future together I haven’t met them, I am so excited to meet them, I am not the bad stepmother type and I just want to be recognised, all that exists of me in the house is one picture on the wall, he dosent get to see his kids much and I get that he dosent want to scare them away but whilst in the midst of a divorce he’s trying to keep the peace but I am sat thinking how can we move forward if it’s like I don’t exist?
It’s something we have to discuss but because it’s so fragile I don’t know how, I am about to move down to my own house, move all 3 kids and this is without the building blocks being down as such, i feel like I have been patient enough, 14 months isn’t just a fling, help me see how I can approach this? And any advice from anyone else in a similar situation would be so well received ×××

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 29/01/2022 19:24

I don’t know how why I am about to move down to my own house, move all 3 kids

There. Fixed that for you

What on earth are you thinking?

MoonlightFancy · 29/01/2022 19:25

I world be very wary uprooting your children and moving them when the ex wife has the idea that you and your boyfriend are a fling, information she could only have got from your boyfriend.

Honestly I wouldn’t uproot my kids after 14 months but that’s personal taste, I guess.

Soul11Soul · 29/01/2022 19:26

You are about to move your own three children far away from their support networks for a man who has refused to let you meet his children this far. Why are you the one making all the big moves.

IncompleteSenten · 29/01/2022 19:27

Don't do it

Planetzero · 29/01/2022 19:28

You’re taking your three children out of school to move nearer him? You haven’t met his children and you haven’t discussed how it’s going to work around them? Does he actually want you to move near him/is it a plan you made together?

cadburyegg · 29/01/2022 19:28

What are you thinking? It's one idea to uproot your own life but your children too? For a man who you only see once a week and you haven't even met his children?

I'm a single parent and would not do this until my kids were adults

Solasum · 29/01/2022 19:28

How old are your children? Why the rush?

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 29/01/2022 19:28

Sorry… is he still in the midst of a divorce??? How have you even been dating him for 14 months?

SeeminglyOblivious · 29/01/2022 19:29

Never having met his children is not what I'd class as a serious relationship.

You see him once a week. Your kids 'adore him'?

They don't. They barely know him. It's just what you're telling yourself to make you feel better about this reckless, shitty, selfish decision you're about to foist on your poor dc.

Asterales · 29/01/2022 19:29

You're planning to uproot and move your children for a life that hasn't yet been established, tested, proved?!! Why on earth would you do that?

girlmom21 · 29/01/2022 19:30

Do your children have a relationship with their dad? Do they have school, family and friends?

BitcherOfBlakiven · 29/01/2022 19:31

Don’t move your DC, that’s absurd.

You also aren’t a step mother yet, so you can’t say what type you’ll be. And lots of us have been driven slightly bonkers by overbearing ridiculous ex’s and Disney Dads.

Planetzero · 29/01/2022 19:32

At the very least you need to meet the children first and he needs to sort this out with the ex if it’s an issue for her.

angelicwave · 29/01/2022 19:32

Yes as he can’t relocate due to his business, my children need a fresh start and that was my plan even before I started seeing him, all plans we have made together and have talked about me meeting the kids he’s just scared that they won’t come to see him anymore, it’s not a bad thing that I haven’t met them, it’s not good either but I was just seeing if anyone else had experiences introducing children etc

OP posts:
CheesusWept · 29/01/2022 19:33

Jesus. You are crazy to be moving your kids for a man you see once a week, and whose children you haven’t even met.

user1471442488 · 29/01/2022 19:33

Barely a mention of the fact that you’re uprooting your 3 kids lives completely for a man you’ve been seeing for just over a year. Get a grip.

ISmellBurnings · 29/01/2022 19:34

This has got disaster written all over it. What on earth are you doing to your kids?

girlmom21 · 29/01/2022 19:34

You need to separate your fresh start and your relationship. Move closer to him, by all means, but don't move in with him or base your move on this relationship. Know that you can live independently to him.

angelicwave · 29/01/2022 19:35

That’s what I plan to do :)
I have friends in the area and lived there before a few years ago

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 29/01/2022 19:36

You are mad to move without being integrated into his life.

He has given up nothing, yet you are sacrificing so much. A fresh start for children means uprooting schools & friends for a man who isn't even divorced.

Please don't do this. You are taking such a big risk with your children's future. How far away is the distance?

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 29/01/2022 19:38

14 months, once a week. How can your kids 'adore' him? Surely they've only met him a handful of times.

I think you are thinking with your vagina here.

Don't uproot your children's lives for a man who isn't yet divorced and doesn't want you to meet his kids.

RoyKentsChestHair · 29/01/2022 19:48

What if you meet the children and yours don’t get along with them?

Or they don’t like you (not because “you’re the wicked stepmother type” - none of us are) it because children often feel disloyal liking someone who they see as replacing their other parent.

Or his ex kicks off and says the children can’t see him if he’s with you, so he ends up torn between you and his kids. Resenting you and feeling guilty whenever he’s not with them. They all do this.

Please before you make any plans spend some time on the step parenting board reading about the joys of trying to share a life with a Disney dad, riddled with separated dad guilt and making everyone’s life a misery with it.

Blending families is hard enough but trying to do it while your DCs are missing their old life, friends and familiarity is going to be even harder. Even the strongest couples would struggle with it.

OakRowan · 29/01/2022 19:52

He isn't even divorced yet, still married, 14 mo the is nothing in terms if what you are doing!

Planetzero · 29/01/2022 19:54

Why do your children need a fresh start op?

WonderfulYou · 29/01/2022 19:54

Jesus. You are crazy to be moving your kids for a man you see once a week, and whose children you haven’t even met.

I agree.

He and his ex are putting their kids first by not rushing things.
You need to do the same and put your kids first.