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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting my new bf children

87 replies

angelicwave · 29/01/2022 19:16

I have been seeing a guy for over 14 months , he’s what I look for in a man, after my marriage ended I thought I would never find someone or be with anyone else, my 3 children adore him as do I…
It’s a long distance relationship and I have decided to move down close to him as I currently work full time with the Nhs which at the moment is busy to say the least, I currently see him once a week whilst trying to sell my house, I have a lot going on, my writing here is to ask a general census on something,
His ex wife has stated that I shouldn’t meet the kids until we are serious, which I get as I wouldn’t want that for my children either but what I don’t get is I can’t phone whilst his children are there, after 13 months and us talking about our future together I haven’t met them, I am so excited to meet them, I am not the bad stepmother type and I just want to be recognised, all that exists of me in the house is one picture on the wall, he dosent get to see his kids much and I get that he dosent want to scare them away but whilst in the midst of a divorce he’s trying to keep the peace but I am sat thinking how can we move forward if it’s like I don’t exist?
It’s something we have to discuss but because it’s so fragile I don’t know how, I am about to move down to my own house, move all 3 kids and this is without the building blocks being down as such, i feel like I have been patient enough, 14 months isn’t just a fling, help me see how I can approach this? And any advice from anyone else in a similar situation would be so well received ×××

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 29/01/2022 19:56

When did you introduce him to your children?

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 29/01/2022 20:04

You and he sound as though you are at different stages in the relationship.

I would seriously rethink moving. Maybe revisit the idea in a year or 2.

esloquehay · 29/01/2022 20:05

Sooooooo...

  • You've been seeing him for 14 months
  • You see him once a week
  • He is still married
  • You haven't been introduced to his children (whom he doesn't see much of)
  • You're uprooting all 3 of your children to pursue your fantasy of a future with a guy whom you, realistically, barely know

Yep...this isn't going to go well...

GrazingSheep · 29/01/2022 20:11

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KateTheEighth · 29/01/2022 20:12

You are mad to even think of doing this

Don't uproot your kids for this "relationship"

Put them first

GrazingSheep · 29/01/2022 20:15

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Monr0e · 29/01/2022 20:15

You are uprooting your kids lives to chase a man you hardly know.

You said it yourself in the title. He's a new boyfriend. Who is still married. How often have your kids even met him? You say they like him. I'm guessing not enough to want to set up home with him already. He is still a practical stranger to them.

TakeMe2Insanity · 29/01/2022 20:16

@Nanny0gg

I don’t know how why I am about to move down to my own house, move all 3 kids

There. Fixed that for you

What on earth are you thinking?

Hit the the nail on the head perfectly.
LiG123 · 29/01/2022 20:18

Surprised at the reaction, maybe it's because you worded it that you're moving to be closer?

Taking the moving and everything out of the equation.

The ex has no rights to stop you. Infact would she have written a post similar tonight??? 2 under 4's and she doesn't want the girlfriend of a year to meet her kids? She thought they would get back together???

Thirtytimesround · 29/01/2022 20:18

Sorry you’ve had so many very rude replies OP.

Suggest you google stuff about meeting partners kids - you won’t get any help from Mumsnet unfortunately.

girlmom21 · 29/01/2022 20:20

@Thirtytimesround

Sorry you’ve had so many very rude replies OP.

Suggest you google stuff about meeting partners kids - you won’t get any help from Mumsnet unfortunately.

She's introduced her own kids to him. She shouldn't need advice on introductions of kids and new partners. If she does, she should never have introduced her own.

As it is, this man's used the fact the kids might not want to see him anymore as an excuse for them not to meet.
There are far deeper issues here clearly.

Hankunamatata · 29/01/2022 20:21

How long has he been separated from his ex?

Croprotationinthe14thcentury · 29/01/2022 20:23

Is your children's father not in the picture? If he is it's shitty to move them away from him because you need a fresh start. How far away are you moving? Do your children want to move? Are you sure your bf is actually separated? If he's still with his wife then of course he won't want you to meet his kids and could be lying about it. I'd be feeling really edgy about him if I were you. Fgs keep your children separate from him until you know where you stand.

Soul11Soul · 29/01/2022 20:25

It really isn't rude to suggest that uprooting your kids to live with a man when you have no idea if it's going to work, is not the best idea!!!

Bananarama21 · 29/01/2022 20:29

This is not putting your dc first

Original poster
angelicwave · 29/01/2022 20:31

Firstly i always put my children first

I was asking advice on others in a similar situation to myself , asking advice…….
Not asking to be wripped to shreds ….
You don’t wholy know my situation to judge on it
And the fact that another post similar at the same time weirdly has given the opposite advice that she clearly is controlling after a year, but because I am on the other side i am wrong in doing what I am about to do, what’s wrong with sticking together and asking advice? Just because someone’s situation isn’t the best and their emotions come into their replies , we are all parents, we are all women , why do people have trouble seeing it from another’s perspective?

OP posts:
Wondergirl100 · 29/01/2022 20:32

Absolutely nobody on here can help you 'meet ' these children - or even tell you what your partner is thinking about it - only he can. And if you feel it's too sensitive to talk about - then you have to accept he just isn't ready to move this to a more serious footing.

He is entitled to keep you at a distance for as long as he likes in terms of his kids - he might decide he doesn't ever want to blend families.

I would be very wary of a man who is meeting your kids but keeping his completely in the dark about what he is doing - it seems pretty dishonest on his part to meet this new set of kids while his old family don't know about it.

He isn't doing anything wrong - and you have no 'right' to meet his children or have a more serious relationship with him

Please think seriously about what people are saying here - this man has not committed to you in the way that you seem to be expecting.

If you can't have an honest conversation with him and he is midway a tricky divorce - you should absolutely not let your children build any sort of relationshpi with him.

Wondergirl100 · 29/01/2022 20:34

But - you say you want advice from others - what is the point in anyone here expressing an opinion? This is one of those situations where the only real answer is to speak as honestly and openly as you can to your partner. You suggest in your first post that he isn't keen to discuss it - or to move things forward in terms of meeting his kids.

How can anyone here help when he is making clear to you that he isn't ready for that?

Soul11Soul · 29/01/2022 20:37

The situations are different Op. But most posters are actually in agreement on both posts..... The children's needs matter most. In the other post the op is suggesting that she should seek reduced contact and take her ex to court because he has a new partner. That is clearly not in the best interest of the children.

In your post, you are suggesting moving your children far from their home to be with a man who has still actually not committed to blending you into his existing family. This is also not in the best interest of your children. If the move is only for this relationship then it is the wrong move. If you would be moving even if you weren't in a relationship then that's different.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 29/01/2022 20:39

This is the exact sort of stunt my mother would have pulled. All these years later, we still barely speak.

RoyKentsChestHair · 29/01/2022 20:43

The other thread at the moment asking about how she can stop her ex introducing the GF is the exact reason we’re all saying this.

She has no legal (or moral) right to stop her ex introducing the GF but she’s clearly unhappy about it and will make his (and her) life a misery trying to keep control over the situation. This is what you’re signing yourself up for - and if it doesn’t work out for you, it’s not just you who has to pick up the pieces.

That’s why people are being so negative - this crap is bad enough when you live ten minutes from the new BF. Mine was only 20 mins down the road and there were still issues re where to live because of schools and kids etc, his ex was always too involved in our relationship and made it difficult for me to form a bond with their DCs, and XDP’s dad guilt meant that every evening we spent together was tarnished by his wishing he was with his kids. It’s shit.

Nanny0gg · 29/01/2022 20:43

@angelicwave

Firstly i always put my children first

I was asking advice on others in a similar situation to myself , asking advice…….
Not asking to be wripped to shreds ….
You don’t wholy know my situation to judge on it
And the fact that another post similar at the same time weirdly has given the opposite advice that she clearly is controlling after a year, but because I am on the other side i am wrong in doing what I am about to do, what’s wrong with sticking together and asking advice? Just because someone’s situation isn’t the best and their emotions come into their replies , we are all parents, we are all women , why do people have trouble seeing it from another’s perspective?

So don't give half the pertinent information if you want useful answers.

You made a specific post and that's what was addressed. If there's more to it you should have said so.

Winniemarysarah · 29/01/2022 20:45

I think it’s a load of bollocks that you’d still be uprooting your kids lives and tearing them away from everything they know if it wasn’t for this man

RoyKentsChestHair · 29/01/2022 20:45

But the fact that you’re uprooting your DCs for a relationship that has a 75% chance of failure is the big problem here.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 29/01/2022 20:47

You asked for advice. Got it and don’t like it so you’re going to ignore it.

Op, you and this guy are at different stages in the relationship. If you’re moving for a fresh start fair enough but don’t do it just for him or around him etc. future proof this and take care of yourself.

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