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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting my new bf children

87 replies

angelicwave · 29/01/2022 19:16

I have been seeing a guy for over 14 months , he’s what I look for in a man, after my marriage ended I thought I would never find someone or be with anyone else, my 3 children adore him as do I…
It’s a long distance relationship and I have decided to move down close to him as I currently work full time with the Nhs which at the moment is busy to say the least, I currently see him once a week whilst trying to sell my house, I have a lot going on, my writing here is to ask a general census on something,
His ex wife has stated that I shouldn’t meet the kids until we are serious, which I get as I wouldn’t want that for my children either but what I don’t get is I can’t phone whilst his children are there, after 13 months and us talking about our future together I haven’t met them, I am so excited to meet them, I am not the bad stepmother type and I just want to be recognised, all that exists of me in the house is one picture on the wall, he dosent get to see his kids much and I get that he dosent want to scare them away but whilst in the midst of a divorce he’s trying to keep the peace but I am sat thinking how can we move forward if it’s like I don’t exist?
It’s something we have to discuss but because it’s so fragile I don’t know how, I am about to move down to my own house, move all 3 kids and this is without the building blocks being down as such, i feel like I have been patient enough, 14 months isn’t just a fling, help me see how I can approach this? And any advice from anyone else in a similar situation would be so well received ×××

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 29/01/2022 20:48

You seen him a grant total of 61 times. This man is still married and in the progress of a divorce his children are likely recovering from their dp separating new houses, routines etc. You introduced your dc to a man who you see once a week is appalling enough nm moving them down to where he lives when your boyfriends not yet severed links from his wife.

lunar1 · 29/01/2022 20:49

How old are your children? Which school years?

Have they had to move before.

Avocadoandlemons · 29/01/2022 20:52

You need to prioritise your own kids . Don't move

WonderfulYou · 29/01/2022 20:58

And the fact that another post similar at the same time weirdly has given the opposite advice

The other post has nothing about moving their kids to a completely new area to be with a person who neither they or their mum knows very well.

He won’t let you meet his kids - yet you’re planning to move your whole life and kids whole life to be closer to him - please be a better parent.

I’m guessing their is no ex wife and they’re still happily married.

How many times have you stayed over at his house?

DysmalRadius · 29/01/2022 20:59

I just want to be recognised, all that exists of me in the house is one picture on the wall, he dosent get to see his kids much and I get that he dosent want to scare them away but whilst in the midst of a divorce he’s trying to keep the peace but I am sat thinking how can we move forward if it’s like I don’t exist?

Why do you need to be 'recognised'? What do you think you are going to bring to his children's lives at the moment, when they only spend such a limited amount of time with their father? How will meeting his children help you 'move forward' when you have already decided to move your children to his home town? What if his children don't want to meet you? Or they don't like you? You seem to have already made a decision based on your existing relationship, so what else are you waiting for?

Greydove28 · 29/01/2022 21:08

What does their biological dad think? Is he in the picture? I know the previous advice sounds very direct but you do need to think about your kids. Its a big thing for them moving schools, different area, away from their dad.. This boyfriend hasnt made any sacrifices or let you meet his children or even divorced. It does have red flags im afraid Sad

ISmellBurnings · 29/01/2022 21:15

Do your kids want to move?

BitcherOfBlakiven · 29/01/2022 21:40

I have 3 DC, I’m single and like fuck would I uproot us all to live with a bloke I barely knew, who’s kids I haven’t met.

Christ. I despair, I really do.

oviraptor21 · 29/01/2022 21:55

OP is not moving to live with this man. She has already said she is getting her own place which is somewhere she's lived before and has friends there already. So it's not such a huge upheaval as some are making out.

Yes it would be useful to know some background about why the DC need a fresh start, where their dad is etc. But I can think of many scenarios where a move could be a good thing regardless of any bf involved.

As far as meeting the bf's children goes, if his ex is being awkward about it it's no surprise that it hasn't happened yet, especially if the bf already doesn't see them as much as he would like. I would just take it easy and go with the bf's time frame. It doesn't seem like it's limiting your time with him and in any case, if you are in the same town and seeing him more often it may well happen sooner anyway.

Just make sure you keep in mind that this big life change may actually mean your relationship with your bf starts to crumble. Go into it with your eyes open. Make sure it's the right move for your DC and you, regardless of how you and your bf pan out.

Original poster
angelicwave · 29/01/2022 22:01

@oviraptor21

OP is not moving to live with this man. She has already said she is getting her own place which is somewhere she's lived before and has friends there already. So it's not such a huge upheaval as some are making out.

Yes it would be useful to know some background about why the DC need a fresh start, where their dad is etc. But I can think of many scenarios where a move could be a good thing regardless of any bf involved.

As far as meeting the bf's children goes, if his ex is being awkward about it it's no surprise that it hasn't happened yet, especially if the bf already doesn't see them as much as he would like. I would just take it easy and go with the bf's time frame. It doesn't seem like it's limiting your time with him and in any case, if you are in the same town and seeing him more often it may well happen sooner anyway.

Just make sure you keep in mind that this big life change may actually mean your relationship with your bf starts to crumble. Go into it with your eyes open. Make sure it's the right move for your DC and you, regardless of how you and your bf pan out.

Thank you x
OP posts:
OkPedro · 29/01/2022 22:08

Op only wants advice from those who think she's doing the right thing 👍

MoonlightFancy · 29/01/2022 22:09

The OP said:

It’s a long distance relationship and I have decided to move down close to him as I currently work full time with the Nhs which at the moment is busy to say the least

So what part of that suggests they are moving to a place they’ve lived before for any reason other than this bloke?

GrandDuchessRomanov · 29/01/2022 22:12

Stupid and selfish.

feelsobadfeltsogood · 29/01/2022 22:13

BIG
RED
FLAG

Do not do it think of your children

oviraptor21 · 29/01/2022 22:15

@MoonlightFancy

The OP said:

It’s a long distance relationship and I have decided to move down close to him as I currently work full time with the Nhs which at the moment is busy to say the least

So what part of that suggests they are moving to a place they’ve lived before for any reason other than this bloke?

See OP's posts 2 and 3.
GrazingSheep · 29/01/2022 22:15

I’m wondering how it is that your children adore him?

MoonlightFancy · 29/01/2022 22:16

After the initial comments weren’t in their favour, it’s not surprising they added comments in later to excuse the idea.

WonderfulYou · 29/01/2022 22:23

I’m wondering how it is that your children adore him?

OP if you’ve only known him 14 months yourself and only see him once a week. Your DC must have only met him a handful of times so how could they adore him?

justustwoandmoo · 29/01/2022 22:31

Why the dramatic responses!! She's moving to be closer...not in with him? I'm sure the OP has thought about the impact on the kids, knows them best etc. Sometimes afresh start is the best thing.

OP I have two step daughters (6 and 8) and my own 12 year old. Only thing I'd say is to take it slowly. Continue to spend time on your own with your own kids and things will work out if they are meant to be xx

Winniemarysarah · 29/01/2022 22:37

@oviraptor21

OP is not moving to live with this man. She has already said she is getting her own place which is somewhere she's lived before and has friends there already. So it's not such a huge upheaval as some are making out.

Yes it would be useful to know some background about why the DC need a fresh start, where their dad is etc. But I can think of many scenarios where a move could be a good thing regardless of any bf involved.

As far as meeting the bf's children goes, if his ex is being awkward about it it's no surprise that it hasn't happened yet, especially if the bf already doesn't see them as much as he would like. I would just take it easy and go with the bf's time frame. It doesn't seem like it's limiting your time with him and in any case, if you are in the same town and seeing him more often it may well happen sooner anyway.

Just make sure you keep in mind that this big life change may actually mean your relationship with your bf starts to crumble. Go into it with your eyes open. Make sure it's the right move for your DC and you, regardless of how you and your bf pan out.

She’s literally said she’s moving to be closer to this man. Then changed her whole story when people started asking wtf was she thinking. You don’t uproot 3 children and cause more trauma after a family breakdown. No way would she be moving for the kids well-being whether or not she’d met this man
yikesanotherbooboo · 29/01/2022 22:41

Where does your SC's father live? Likewise GPs and other important family members?

2bazookas · 29/01/2022 22:42

I am sorry to say this, but it sounds as if you are far more invested in the relationship than he is.

You're uprooting your whole family home job and life for a man who doesn't appear to be planning a future for him and his children, that involves you and your children.

WonderfulYou · 29/01/2022 22:47

Why the dramatic responses!! She's moving to be closer...not in with him? I'm sure the OP has thought about the impact on the kids, knows them best etc. Sometimes afresh start is the best thing.

Because this man won’t even speak to her on the phone in front of his kids, they only see each other once a week and he’s already met her DC - either she’s rushing into things or he’s just not into her.

If she’s moving her entire life to be with someone who isn’t as interested as her then it’s a pretty big deal.

It sounds like she needs to slow down, not move her DCs yet and see how this relationship goes.

Aprilx · 29/01/2022 23:03

@angelicwave

Firstly i always put my children first

I was asking advice on others in a similar situation to myself , asking advice…….
Not asking to be wripped to shreds ….
You don’t wholy know my situation to judge on it
And the fact that another post similar at the same time weirdly has given the opposite advice that she clearly is controlling after a year, but because I am on the other side i am wrong in doing what I am about to do, what’s wrong with sticking together and asking advice? Just because someone’s situation isn’t the best and their emotions come into their replies , we are all parents, we are all women , why do people have trouble seeing it from another’s perspective?

There is no evidence if that in this thread though.

You have a pretty ropey relationship, somebody you have seen maybe 50 or 60 times and seems to have little interest in progressing things with you. But you are uprooting your children from school, friends, everything, on the off chance that things work out. You are literally putting your love life before your children. You need to take a step back and try to look at it from their perspective or from what you would think if you heard of somebody else doing this.

Catra · 29/01/2022 23:09

I haven't read the whole thread.

He's not divorced yet? You haven't met his kids? What is the huge rush to move your entire life for someone who hasn't made space in his to accommodate it?

I'm not saying don't move eventually, but you'd be crazy to do it now. It's setting a precedent for the relationship to be solely on his terms. Is that what you want, OP?