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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting my new bf children

87 replies

angelicwave · 29/01/2022 19:16

I have been seeing a guy for over 14 months , he’s what I look for in a man, after my marriage ended I thought I would never find someone or be with anyone else, my 3 children adore him as do I…
It’s a long distance relationship and I have decided to move down close to him as I currently work full time with the Nhs which at the moment is busy to say the least, I currently see him once a week whilst trying to sell my house, I have a lot going on, my writing here is to ask a general census on something,
His ex wife has stated that I shouldn’t meet the kids until we are serious, which I get as I wouldn’t want that for my children either but what I don’t get is I can’t phone whilst his children are there, after 13 months and us talking about our future together I haven’t met them, I am so excited to meet them, I am not the bad stepmother type and I just want to be recognised, all that exists of me in the house is one picture on the wall, he dosent get to see his kids much and I get that he dosent want to scare them away but whilst in the midst of a divorce he’s trying to keep the peace but I am sat thinking how can we move forward if it’s like I don’t exist?
It’s something we have to discuss but because it’s so fragile I don’t know how, I am about to move down to my own house, move all 3 kids and this is without the building blocks being down as such, i feel like I have been patient enough, 14 months isn’t just a fling, help me see how I can approach this? And any advice from anyone else in a similar situation would be so well received ×××

OP posts:
user1493494961 · 29/01/2022 23:36

Agree with pp, stupid and selfish. It will end in tears.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 29/01/2022 23:41

I moved 10 miles from a shit hole pit town with no jobs, to a shiny city centre so that I could go to Uni and get a decent career at the end of it - I did that for me and DCs and was still terrified, despite knowing 100% it was the right thing for us all.

Nothing about your scenario is right for you and your DC, unless you’re about to drip feed that he’s in the clink for domestic violence and child abuse.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 29/01/2022 23:42

That your ex is*

NowEvenBetter · 30/01/2022 00:07

Just continue to date your married boyfriend if you need to, no need to drag all the kids in to it.

GrannytoaUnicorn · 30/01/2022 07:07

Poor kids

AuntieStella · 30/01/2022 07:25

Firstly i always put my children first

So why do they need a 'fresh start' ?

Are they unhappy as school, without friends, and will the move perhaps take them nearer to their DDad?

SD1978 · 30/01/2022 07:27

Have you discussed moving with their dad? Has he agreed I'd still involved with the children? If it all implodes, and the children have been moved for no reason, what's the plan for them going forward? You're making all the compromise, and he hasn't even allowed you to meet them yet. That would be worrying me if I was the other parent.

SartresSoul · 30/01/2022 07:32

So moving your DC to a totally new place miles away because your boyfriend of just over a year lives there isn’t the best idea. If you want to move somewhere with them because you get a better paid job there then fair enough but moving to be closer to a man you’ve known for very little time in the grand scheme of things, nope. Imagine splitting with him after a few months, then you live in this new town miles away from your support network and you uprooted your children for what exactly? Just don’t do it.

Also, you don’t know whether you’re a good step-mother or not because you’re not a step-mother.

DropYourSword · 30/01/2022 07:39

@MoonlightFancy

I world be very wary uprooting your children and moving them when the ex wife has the idea that you and your boyfriend are a fling, information she could only have got from your boyfriend.

Honestly I wouldn’t uproot my kids after 14 months but that’s personal taste, I guess.

when the ex wife has the idea that you and your boyfriend are a fling, information she could only have got from your boyfriend

Or absolutely thin air. Her imagination. Her wishful thinking.
She's his ex. He could be in the most committed relationship in the world. Doesn't mean the ex wife is going to see it in a good light!

No idea the state of OPs relationship with this man, but I wouldn't be using the ex-wife as a reliable source!

ACCx · 30/01/2022 07:42

Really sorry OP as it’s obviously not what you want to hear but I think it is crazy to move closer to be with someone who is still being told what to do by his current wife and clearly has issues with his children not wanting to see him much. (You mentioned they’d stop wanting to come completely) it all seems very difficult and not a good situation at all.

gummggum · 30/01/2022 18:03

The thing is you might not like his kids? I know it's not a nice thing to say, but some on my friends kids are really spoilt and annoying. I'm sure mine are too, but you're immune to your own kids. Are they similar ages and sexes to yours?

Willyoujustbequiet · 30/01/2022 19:04

Start putting your children first. You are not acting in their best interests.

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