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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Calling all those with experience of adult ADHD

98 replies

HashtagSexy · 29/01/2022 10:43

AIBU to tell my husband that he can sort some things out for himself??

For the last six months he's been complaining every time that I ask him/remind him of something he needs to do (or that we need to do together) that he doesn't have a list and can't organise all these things. I set up chores on Alexa. Apparently that's not helpful. I downloaded an app that sends alerts and lets people know when tasks have been completed. That also was not helpful because it wasn't something he was interested in interacting with. I put whiteboards on the fridge and freezer and wrote things that needed doing on them. Not helpful. He wanted his own whiteboard with his own way of organising stuff. He wanted to put it on our bedroom door. I said OK. He ordered the whiteboard. And then it sat in its packaging for months. Today I reminded him again that a shelf needed to go up in the kitchen. Once again he bemoaned the lack of list for himself and I pointed out that he had the whiteboard but had failed to put it up and use it. He immediately blamed me, saying I had not explicitly told him to hang it on our door!

I told him that's unfair and he can't expect me to manage his whole life and his every move, nor can he expect me to know how he is feeling or what he is thinking. I said that all the other ways I'd tried to help manage this were perfectly adequate, he just didn't want to do it. He told me I'm being unsupportive.

AIBU? He's my husband, not a project, and I am not a project manager! He has so many tools to help support himself outside of all the support I actually do give. I think he's being a lazy arse and wants me to handle everything!

OP posts:
BitcherOfBlakiven · 29/01/2022 10:44

Is he medicated?

HashtagSexy · 29/01/2022 10:49

Yes, he is.

OP posts:
Mrstamborineman · 29/01/2022 10:50

Oh god that’s my absolute hate… to immediately ask if someone is medicated.

ADHD doesn’t have to be medicated. They are a person not an illness/condition.
A list he can easily see, gentle reminders and understanding that your priorities are different to his. In other situations how do you negotiate this?

EishetChayil · 29/01/2022 10:50

My husband has ADHD (about to start on Strattera after an adult diagnosis) and while I do a lot for him, the onus is always on him to make his lists and keep his things in the right place.

It sounds like your DH is relying on you too much then blaming you when you don't do things his way.

EishetChayil · 29/01/2022 10:51

@Mrstamborineman

Oh god that’s my absolute hate… to immediately ask if someone is medicated. ADHD doesn’t have to be medicated. They are a person not an illness/condition. A list he can easily see, gentle reminders and understanding that your priorities are different to his. In other situations how do you negotiate this?

It's a valid question. The advice will be different depending on the answer.

AlexaShutUp · 29/01/2022 10:52

Oh dear. I imagine my husband might have a similar litany of complaints about stuff that I haven't done at home. Though he isn't as proactive as you are about suggesting strategies, OP.

I have tried every kind of to do list, app, reminders on Alexa etc. None of them actually seem to help me.

It isn't that I don't want to get stuff done. It definitely isn't that I don't care. In fact, I really hate myself for not doing it, but the problem is, I just don't know how to get myself to get on top of it. I try and try and try.

If it helps even the tiniest bit, OP, I am truly sorry for the things that I do that frustrate my DH and I wish I could do better. I know that it sounds like an excuse when people say that they just can't get themselves sorted, but sometimes they really can't. Sad

mynamesnotMa · 29/01/2022 10:54

I have adhd I'm very organised. That's utter bullshit to say you can't be.

mynamesnotMa · 29/01/2022 10:57

Stop enabling him.
I've a brilliant memory too.
However like anyone if I could get someone to do tedious jobs I will.

Didiplanthis · 29/01/2022 10:57

I have ADHD... it IS harder to adult and I fuck up more than I would like and stuff that other people just 'do' might really mentally exhausted me to do but with 3 kids and a job its not optional and I just HAVE to do the things that need doing.. I write (and lose) lots if lists and i prioritise the must do over the should do which probably won't get done, and we live in a level of chaos that other people don't understand but we get thorough and I manage my own tasks etc. I think if your husband HAD to do it he would find a way even if that is.. pay someone to put up the shelf etc as its exceeded his capacity. I would say in his defense he is probably having to work much harder at work in invisible ways to not go under and keep up with his colleagues which may lower his executive function capabilities at home as he is just all out of brain space.

Didiplanthis · 29/01/2022 10:58

But ultimately its not your job to parent him !

Didiplanthis · 29/01/2022 10:59

My DH sighs rolls his eyes and adds another air tag or tracker app to his phone. No point them being on mine as I will have lost it.

mynamesnotMa · 29/01/2022 11:06

Honestly one person with adhd is not everyone. I am super organised. I have to be. I have strategies that I've had my whole life that means I am in control. It is not for anyone but him to work these out. Perhaps he finds the white board patronising I know I would. Leave him decide you will drive each other mad. The other side of adhd is we can be super organised and hyper focussed the deficit is with tedium but not everything.

PikachuAndMe · 29/01/2022 11:34

You don't sound very nice or supportive to him dismissing his condition as him "being a lazy arse and wants me to handle everything!" is awful.

If you want him to do things that are priorities to you then you might have to manage them. He has difficulties with organisation and you berating him for not being organised is not useful or constructive.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 29/01/2022 11:38

Does he work?

He sounds exhausting tbh.
I'd probably have divorced him by now.

eekbumbler · 29/01/2022 11:40

I'm awaiting diagnoses as an adult, but what they are looking at specifically is pathological demand avoidance. I can have all the help, reminders, whiteboards and timetables in the world, but... If I can't do it, I just can't. This is especially with overload reminders = stress. I am more than capable of doing all tasks and it is so frustrating when your brain says no and the task anxiety increases.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 29/01/2022 11:47

@Mrstamborineman

Oh god that’s my absolute hate… to immediately ask if someone is medicated. ADHD doesn’t have to be medicated. They are a person not an illness/condition. A list he can easily see, gentle reminders and understanding that your priorities are different to his. In other situations how do you negotiate this?
I have ADHD, wasn’t diagnosed until I was 33 and I was very much like OPs husband. So piss off with your “they are a person not an illness/condition” - the vast majority of adults with ADHD find their life significantly improved once they’re diagnosed and on medication.
Seaography · 29/01/2022 11:53

I have ADHD and he is a lazy arse. It's not a fucking get out clause for being an adult. Yes it is a lot harder, yes things get missed or rushed at times. Interestingly its nearly always men that use their ADHD as an excuse, we do not excuse women who are still expected to pull it together somehow.

Seaography · 29/01/2022 11:56

@AlexaShutUp I found Order from Chaos and The Drummer and the Great Mountain both useful books helpful for ADHD strategies.

BeQuietBrenda · 29/01/2022 11:57

He sounds exhausting, he needs to make some kind of effort no matter how hard he finds it. I say this as someone who is (undiagnosed) ADHD.

One thing I've realised is I need my OH to support the tasks I do. For example :

I was up cycling a cupboard. I love doing it but I'm not very good with the taking apart and reassembling of things once they've been painted and dried. So I left the painted but unassembled drawers shoved in a corner of the back room for 2 months becsuse I just couldn't get my head around the reassembly aspect (it was old, needed bigger holes drilling, some bits needed sanding, I needed to buy new handles and also some specific nails - I was totally overwhelmed). OH went on and on - justifiably - about the mess and the unfinished project. I got weighed down by guilt and anxiety and a feeling I was total useless.

One day, I've no idea how it came to me, I thought "I just need OH to help with that bit of the project" so I explained it to him and he drove me to B&q, helped me pick the bits I needed and then back at home he sat with me and showed me what to do and then sat near by as I finally completed it (he did have to help a bit.

It must be exhausting for our partners and I do sympathise. I also try not to take the piss with what I can and can't do not realise I do have limitations.

Today I'm wallpapering the chimney breasr. OH will remove the fire surround and then replace once I'm done. Left to me I wouldn't even get started let alone fix it back once done.

So long winded way of suggesting that maybe you assemble the tools he needs to complete whichever task and then after make sure it's tidied away properly? (specifically thinking about the shelf) I know that sounds like you're enabling him and I don't mean to say its your job to do so, I'm just trying to come at it from my experience and what would help me.

GreenDressRedWine · 29/01/2022 12:00

Hi OP - is there a particular type of task that he avoids? I found identifying things I just don't want to do and outsourcing those was really helpful - is it mostly DIY stuff or tasks in general? It can be hard enough to organise yourself to do things you do want to do, doing things you don't really want to do can feel impossible sometimes.

Does he read and learn about how to be an adult with ADHD or has just been diagnosed and that's it?

Comtesse · 29/01/2022 12:08

He seems to be moaning a lot and apparently it’s all your fault. You would not be unreasonable to properly lose your temper. Yes he finds some tasks difficult but why is it your fault??

BitcherOfBlakiven · 29/01/2022 12:09

I’ll add that I pay a cleaner to do 4 hours a week in my bog standard 3 bed terrace - which includes changing the bedding and a few other tasks cleaners don’t usually do, but mine does because I pay her more than her other clients. I have a disability that means I just can’t do certain things.

My ASD diagnosis also showed high levels of PDA, and cleaning is my major thing that I’ve spent years struggling to do and now just refuse to do because I know I can’t do it properly.

I’m also exhausted after a full week of University - STEM student so 35 hours of contact time and a minimum of 20 hours extra time for coursework, revision and outside reading. I occasionally pick up a part time short term job via Uni too.

I’m a single parent to 3DDs, the middle one has ADHD/ASD too.

All of the above leaves me totally fucking out of spoons to do anything else. What takes an NT person only one spoon, would take us four or five. That’s the important thing to remember with ADHD.

crosbystillsandmash · 29/01/2022 12:11

@mynamesnotMa

I have adhd I'm very organised. That's utter bullshit to say you can't be.
Because obviously your form of adhd is literally the only one 🙄 It presents very differently in people, hth
GreenDressRedWine · 29/01/2022 12:12

I completely agree with @BeQuietBrenda that there are bits of projects I find really hard - usually the first and last 10%. I recently cleared out a room, took loads of stuff to the charity shop, sorted, cleaned, painted, ordered stuff I needed, the last 10% of stuff needs boxing and putting in the loft - I just can't do it. It's stupid and illogical and embarrassing but I need DH to help me with that bit. Acknowledging that I can do the middle 80% well but need help completing it is the difference between it being done or not. Being aware of this and being able to tell DH I've got as far as I can with it makes all the difference. I'm aware of this though and try to limit how often I do it as I get that it's annoying

BitcherOfBlakiven · 29/01/2022 12:13

@mynamesnotMa well done, you just made women with ADHD reading this who already beat ourselves up for lack of organisation feel even worse.

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