Calling all those with experience of adult ADHD

[HashtagSexy]

AIBU to tell my husband that he can sort some things out for himself??

For the last six months he's been complaining every time that I ask him/remind him of something he needs to do (or that we need to do together) that he doesn't have a list and can't organise all these things. I set up chores on Alexa. Apparently that's not helpful. I downloaded an app that sends alerts and lets people know when tasks have been completed. That also was not helpful because it wasn't something he was interested in interacting with. I put whiteboards on the fridge and freezer and wrote things that needed doing on them. Not helpful. He wanted his own whiteboard with his own way of organising stuff. He wanted to put it on our bedroom door. I said OK. He ordered the whiteboard. And then it sat in its packaging for months. Today I reminded him again that a shelf needed to go up in the kitchen. Once again he bemoaned the lack of list for himself and I pointed out that he had the whiteboard but had failed to put it up and use it. He immediately blamed me, saying I had not explicitly told him to hang it on our door!

I told him that's unfair and he can't expect me to manage his whole life and his every move, nor can he expect me to know how he is feeling or what he is thinking. I said that all the other ways I'd tried to help manage this were perfectly adequate, he just didn't want to do it. He told me I'm being unsupportive.

AIBU? He's my husband, not a project, and I am not a project manager! He has so many tools to help support himself outside of all the support I actually do give. I think he's being a lazy arse and wants me to handle everything!

I have ADHD, i think your husband is extremely inconsiderate. ADHD means you are able to do tasks you find interesting and/or motivating, but struggle horribly with other tasks (including those others would find very simple).

Notice how I said interesting and/or motivating? I’ve generally lived with people I care about (parents, friends or boyfriend), so if there are chores I need to do that would make their lives easier / avoid them getting stressed and upset, I am motivated to do them because I care! This factor doesn’t mean an ADHDer won’t drop the ball or get overwhelmed (especially if the demands are too great), but even so - this person is supposed to care about you. That means they should be invested in finding a solution that works for you both!

Honestly this is very self-centred behaviour. He’s taking you for granted rather than showing up to work on the problem together, which is unacceptable and ADHD doesn’t justify it.

And just to add I’m the first to have a go at women who whinge that their husbands should “just know” to do things around the house and they “shouldn’t have to ask”. As a person with ADHD, I know that people are often completely oblivious to stuff others think is “obvious”.

However a situation where he’s asked for your help in breaking down tasks to make them clear, and you do what he asks but he doesn’t even TRY to hold up his end of the bargain, is entirely different

You do the cleaning, DH does no cleaning, you get to make the call how cleaning is done. If that means a cleaner, so be it. He might moan about the expense but it’s a drop in the bucket compared to the expense of a divorce. Your views count, he doesn’t get to make the final call on this, particularly as he’s not helping to resolve the issue.

Does he spend a lot of time on his laptop? I don't have ADHD but I have a sequencing disorder, and very little working memory, so can share my strategy for managing that (could help?). I put things I need to do in big colourful blocks of time in my Office calender. I refer to my calender a lot. I do brainstorming to find solutions for why some tasks are complicated for me, and break them down/make them manageable. Eg doing washing and trying is soooooo complex! Now I have a system of baskets and bags and a sequence which works for me.

That being said, it isn't your job to sort this for him. He won't get anywhere by blaming you. He needs to put some strategies in place, you can't do it for him.

@Porcupineintherough

For me the thing with a lot of lists and apps is that the information stats on the page and doesn't transfer to my brain. Imagine a list on a screen which is flashed at you for a fraction of a second, so that you can see all the words, but not take them in. Lists are like that for me, even if I can see it for a long time. I will read the information, and then just forget it. If I physically write a list, it works better, but things like Google calendar are utterly useless because my brain just doesn't register the information.

Secondly, lists tend to have tasks which aren't broken down into small enough chunks. This morning it took me several attempts to make a pot if tea, because "make a pot of tea" seems like a simple enough task, but I kept forgetting to do the small sub-steps. I filled the kettle, but forgot to turn it on.then I boiled the water, but forgot to out tea in the pot, and poured myself a nice cup if hot water. A list that looks perfectly straightforward to someone without ADHD generally needs to be broken down into teeny tiny steps for us. This makes instructions and tasks seem very daunting, because before I can start, I have to work out all the microsteps I need to do, and remember to do them.

Other people have mentioned the paralysis, and that's a big problem. I get "stuck" and can't move onto the next task. This isn't just laziness - I will often be desperately uncomfortable - thirsty, or cold, or needing the loo, but unable to move to do the thing I need. The most helpful thing for me in that situation us to get someone to tell me to stand up (or if I'm standing up, to get me to walk into another room). That is like a sort of reset, which allows me to move on.

Both my daughter and I have inattentive ADHD and I can imagine your pain. My poor husband puts up with a lot.
I know you shouldn't have to but if you want things done what I do with my daughter is I say maybe this afternoon is a good time to stick the whiteboard on our bedroom door. And I get the whiteboard and start to unwrap it etc - I start the process and let her finish it.
I get the whole whiteboard on the bedroom thing. I need my 'things' on the fridge as I spent most of my time passing the fridge. My husband felt it should be on a wall - he didn't get it but accepted the fridge being the place and I definitely use lists more because they are stuck on the fridge with a magnetic pen next to it.

I have ADHD and what I can tell you is that I wouldn't be able to work with anyone else's system. It has to be my own system otherwise I struggle to get my head around it. And yes my systems also don't work perfectly or sometimes at all.

It's not easy living with someone with ADHD and I'll be the first one to say it's not fair on the other partner to have to carry the lion share of the work. With dh and me we have found things that each of us can do well. There are some things I'll just never be able to do and dh has had to stop expecting me to do them

And if you can afford a cleaner then do go for it. Saved our marriage

You do all the cleaning, therefore you can hire a cleaner. Because it’s YOU doing it all. Not him.

@HashtagSexy If its important to you that a shelf is put up today why haven't you got the tools out and put this up yourself?

Make this weekend the time where you actually address your family issues rather than carry on the destructive cycle you have. You know you things aren't healthy. You have a list of strategies you think will help e.g the cleaner yet you aren't getting on with this and directing your anger at your husband. You need to take charge today and make realistic changes. Your husband's and your children's disabilities aren't going to magically disappear because you wish they didn't impact their life as they do.

@Fenella2000

I have ADHD, i think your husband is extremely inconsiderate. ADHD means you are able to do tasks you find interesting and/or motivating, but struggle horribly with other tasks (including those others would find very simple).

Notice how I said interesting and/or motivating? I’ve generally lived with people I care about (parents, friends or boyfriend), so if there are chores I need to do that would make their lives easier / avoid them getting stressed and upset, I am motivated to do them because I care! This factor doesn’t mean an ADHDer won’t drop the ball or get overwhelmed (especially if the demands are too great), but even so - this person is supposed to care about you. That means they should be invested in finding a solution that works for you both!

Honestly this is very self-centred behaviour. He’s taking you for granted rather than showing up to work on the problem together, which is unacceptable and ADHD doesn’t justify it.

This is great for you but it isn't like this for everyone. Before I was medicated my husband had to take on the majority of the clearing as I wasn't able to do these tasks.

I find lots of things interesting but sought a diagnosis as having ADHD stopped me from being able to actually do most of these things.

Thanks to all those who have answered my question. I don't know whether this thread has helped the OP but it has really helped me. Now I need to make use of my enhanced understanding to help my relative which maybe more difficult but I already have some ideas.

Both DH and I have ADHD, our strategies for things that need doing go as follows:

1. Person who cares more does it themselves

1. Person who cares more reminds person whose responsiblity it is until it's done

1. Outsource

1. Lower expectations (we have a pan rack that we bought 6 months ago that simply doesn't give enough of a reward to put up, we'll get round to it eventually. Sometimes the house looks like we've been burgled it's so messy, but if we haven't got the executive function to fix it, we haven't got it) - sometimes letting go of the expectation helps lessen the counterproductive shame

1. Work to strengths (the washing up will simply never get done if you leave it to me, it is like oil and water to my brain and I would rather not eat than do it. Equally, he wouldn't notice if the floor was an inch thick with dust and bits of stuff the cats have tracked in. So we each do the stuff we can do)

1. Work with our individual cheat sheets. DH will lose his keys unless they are in the SAME PLACE. I will not brush my teeth unless I do it immediately after I lock the back door at night. DH will empty the bill if it's busting full but until it becomes genuinely unusuable it doesn't occur to him, so we have a tiny bin - means it gets done regularly. I will remember to hoover but only if I don't have to haul our heavy bastard hoover out of the understairs cupboard, so it lives in an unsightly but usable place in the corner of the dining room because that extra step being removed makes it happen.

You and DH need strategies.

What works for him? DH does not respond well to reminders, I need the fear of being 'told off' - so if I need reminding, he nags me (with permission), whereas if he needs to do something, I'm better creating a scenario where it is easy for him to do it (if he needs to wash the car, for example, I'm better mentioning it while we're en route somewhere with time, going past a carwash).

What motivates him? I am motivated by fear and being bollocked by someone, so I do things that involve bills and the letting agent and anyone I consider a minor form of authority . DH is motivated by feeling like he's accomplished something useful or practical, so he does bins and washing up and picking up things we need from the shop.

And... one of the truest things I've ever seen is that there's an ADHD tax. Obviously it manifests itself in many ways (parking tickets, missed bills, forgetting a charger every time I go away with work even though I now have about 7 chargers), but one I think people forget is that sometimes, it's easier and less impactful on your life to throw money at something than let it build into a executive-function-deadening shame spiral. Cleaner, handyman, person to sort your taxes, person to clear the garden, car valet, Hellofresh to avoid having to plan food... obviously, not everyone can afford to do these (we couldn't for a very long time) but if you can, do it.

One thing I can say is that he needs to find a way where if you ask relatively nicely for something to be done ASAP he does that thing and not start acting defensive and making excuses why he hasn't done it. Sometimes you just want to say can you do X and he gets on and does it as a priority not worry about adding things to his list. Not everything needs to be on a list, Sometimes you yourself might just notice that say the grass is getting a bit long or remember dc need something and just be able to ask him without all the drama.

@housemaus

Both DH and I have ADHD, our strategies for things that need doing go as follows:

1. Person who cares more does it themselves

1. Person who cares more reminds person whose responsiblity it is until it's done

1. Outsource

1. Lower expectations (we have a pan rack that we bought 6 months ago that simply doesn't give enough of a reward to put up, we'll get round to it eventually. Sometimes the house looks like we've been burgled it's so messy, but if we haven't got the executive function to fix it, we haven't got it) - sometimes letting go of the expectation helps lessen the counterproductive shame

1. Work to strengths (the washing up will simply never get done if you leave it to me, it is like oil and water to my brain and I would rather not eat than do it. Equally, he wouldn't notice if the floor was an inch thick with dust and bits of stuff the cats have tracked in. So we each do the stuff we can do)

1. Work with our individual cheat sheets. DH will lose his keys unless they are in the SAME PLACE. I will not brush my teeth unless I do it immediately after I lock the back door at night. DH will empty the bill if it's busting full but until it becomes genuinely unusuable it doesn't occur to him, so we have a tiny bin - means it gets done regularly. I will remember to hoover but only if I don't have to haul our heavy bastard hoover out of the understairs cupboard, so it lives in an unsightly but usable place in the corner of the dining room because that extra step being removed makes it happen.

You and DH need strategies.

What works for him? DH does not respond well to reminders, I need the fear of being 'told off' - so if I need reminding, he nags me (with permission), whereas if he needs to do something, I'm better creating a scenario where it is easy for him to do it (if he needs to wash the car, for example, I'm better mentioning it while we're en route somewhere with time, going past a carwash).

What motivates him? I am motivated by fear and being bollocked by someone, so I do things that involve bills and the letting agent and anyone I consider a minor form of authority . DH is motivated by feeling like he's accomplished something useful or practical, so he does bins and washing up and picking up things we need from the shop.

And... one of the truest things I've ever seen is that there's an ADHD tax. Obviously it manifests itself in many ways (parking tickets, missed bills, forgetting a charger every time I go away with work even though I now have about 7 chargers), but one I think people forget is that sometimes, it's easier and less impactful on your life to throw money at something than let it build into a executive-function-deadening shame spiral. Cleaner, handyman, person to sort your taxes, person to clear the garden, car valet, Hellofresh to avoid having to plan food... obviously, not everyone can afford to do these (we couldn't for a very long time) but if you can, do it.

So true re the adhd tax. I have spent a fortune over the years!

Same @AlexaShutUp - makes me feel a bit ill!

If I had a pound for every phone charger, travel adapter, pair of socks or knickers, pair of smart shoes, laptop charger, etc I've had to buy while working away I'd probably be able to cover my equally annoying ADHD-tax parking ticket bill over the years (and this is why my car now contains an emergency kit of all of those ^ things hahaha).

[quote HMG107]@HashtagSexy If its important to you that a shelf is put up today why haven't you got the tools out and put this up yourself?

Make this weekend the time where you actually address your family issues rather than carry on the destructive cycle you have. You know you things aren't healthy. You have a list of strategies you think will help e.g the cleaner yet you aren't getting on with this and directing your anger at your husband. You need to take charge today and make realistic changes. Your husband's and your children's disabilities aren't going to magically disappear because you wish they didn't impact their life as they do.[/quote]
I have a response for you but I think it might get deleted.

I haven't put the shelf up because I have a hundred other things to do. This is ONE thing I've asked him to do. ONE.

I haven't organised a cleaner because we have shared finances and it needs to be something we both agree on.

Why should I have to do absolutely fucking everything all the time?? Why do you think that's ok?

Why should I have to do absolutely fucking everything all the time?? Why do you think that's ok?

You shouldn't OP, but I kind of get what the poster is saying (as someone with ADHD whose husband also has ADHD). Unfortunately sometimes the more an issue lingers over you, the less likely it is to get done - it becomes this huge black hole mental block. You would, in my opinion, be better off handing him some other tasks to compensate (motivating the part of his brain that's spurred on by novelty/newness, and removing the task that's obviously not ticking in his head) and you doing the shelf instead.

It's not ideal, but it helps to know how his brain ticks and work accordingly. Of course, it's a lot - I understand that having a neurodiverse partner requires you to think about strategies in a way that is effectively more mental load, and that not everyone wants to do that. But I also know that driving the point home repeatedly and getting angry isn't a workable strategy - you're making yourself frustrated and angry, and potentially just making him more 'stuck' and less likely to do the thing. It's as useful as getting pissed off that he won't walk on his broken leg even though you've asked 100 times.

I feel for you, because I know it can be exhausting - DH and I both occasionally get frustrated and exhausted with each other, and we both have first-hand experience, so as someone who doesn't understand what it's like I can imagine why it seems so baffling and frustrating to you. But the simple fact is: your current strategy for this isn't working. You have to find a new one (and in a way that balances the load for you - hence my suggestion of handing off something else to him) or you're going to end up more mad and more resentful over something that is just a feature of how his brain works.

Also, ADHD coaching. If he hasn't already had it, it's a great thing to have alongside meds: can help to work on strategies with someone who really gets it.

@mynamesnotMa

I have adhd I'm very organised. That's utter bullshit to say you can't be.

Where as my ADHD husband and ADHD son (not his, so no correlation in like father like son) are the most unorganised people I know.

It's a textbook trait for ADHD. It's fantastic this doesn't affect you, but an exception doesn't make the rule.

Hi. Mum to ADHD teen and wife to ADHD husband here. I feel your pain. And whilst it's not fair, and still with you at the driving force, this is what I do, in identical situations to yours. eg. Last week I asked every day, "can you please clean the wall where you dropped your coffee and it's covered in splash marks" to DH and every day, I told DS, "your room needs cleaning" and this was ignored because they forget, and have "other things to do"....

Saturday morning, I got up, hauled DS up, and said "clean it, now" and shoved the hoover at him, "I will be back to check in 30 mins"

I then went to find DH, and handed him a bowl of warm water and a cloth, and said "clean the wall please"

Both got on with the task in hand as it was put in front of them, to complete immediately, with what they needed.

Hand DH the shelf and the hammer on Saturday morning.

I haven't put the shelf up because I have a hundred other things to do. This is ONE thing I've asked him to do. ONE.

Yep, and he'll forget. And you can't comprehend how you do everything and he can't remember this one fucking task, so it must be he doesn't care/respect you enough to do it, while you run round like a blue ass fly. No. Literally 5 seconds after you've nagged for the 30th time, he's forgotten.

I haven't organised a cleaner because we have shared finances and it needs to be something we both agree on.

Do it. Or it won't ever get done. Tell him what you've arranged. Tell him what his contribution is, and when it will be paid.

Why should I have to do absolutely fucking everything all the time?? Why do you think that's ok?

It's not. But this is life with ADHD. DH doesn't think I should do everything. But he genuinely can't organise a toddlers tea party. It took me a long time for the penny to drop (with acceptance) that he isn't doing this out of bone idle lack of caring. So you either arrange it yourself, or get mad every day that nothing you've asked gets done. You don't have to do the actual task, but you do need to plonk him in front of said task, when there is time to complete it, and literally say "this can be done right now".

Yes it's like being a school teacher. No, it's not ideal. He doesn't want to be this way.

@mynamesnotMa

I have adhd I'm very organised. That's utter bullshit to say you can't be.

I have ADHD and I try hard, but I'm not organised, something always goes wrong! Not everyone with ADHD has exactly the same problems.

@mynamesnotMa

Thank god others are coming forward with more rational balanced arguments.

It's ridiculous you sneery patronising few feel it's OK to decide how others with adhd feel or think.
How depressing. That you should actually think it's acceptable to attack me for being positive about adhd.
Many of us see it in a positive way and I will never apologise to a few miserable keyboard warrior's. You don't like my opinion good. Because yours stinks

It was the 'utter bs' and 'stick it up your hole' comments that made your posts unhelpful and just downright horrible. Not that you are being positive! Lots of people with ADHD have grown up feeling lazy and stupid, and also have Rejection Sensitivity Disorder, and as someone with ADHD, you should know that your post would be hurtful.

Quite. I haven't read back through the whole thread, but this isn't just for those with ADHD. In fact it's more about help from those, who live with adults that do.

You may have ADHD. And I can't offer an insight into how you feel, because I don't.

However, I'm a NT wife, and mother to two ADHDers, and you can't give an insight into that, because you don't live alongside ADHD as a passenger. I know what works with my husband and son. I might not know why, and the why is actually not that important, as long it's working for everyone.

I don't believe anyone is trying to tell anyone with ADHD how to feel. And you can't tell people their feelings are "bs" because they live alongside ADHD as opposed to with it personally.

Do you see? You can't ever advise from my point of view because you will never experience what I do, and vice versa. It doesn't invalidate either of our experiences, because they are different.