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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Calling all those with experience of adult ADHD

98 replies

HashtagSexy · 29/01/2022 10:43

AIBU to tell my husband that he can sort some things out for himself??

For the last six months he's been complaining every time that I ask him/remind him of something he needs to do (or that we need to do together) that he doesn't have a list and can't organise all these things. I set up chores on Alexa. Apparently that's not helpful. I downloaded an app that sends alerts and lets people know when tasks have been completed. That also was not helpful because it wasn't something he was interested in interacting with. I put whiteboards on the fridge and freezer and wrote things that needed doing on them. Not helpful. He wanted his own whiteboard with his own way of organising stuff. He wanted to put it on our bedroom door. I said OK. He ordered the whiteboard. And then it sat in its packaging for months. Today I reminded him again that a shelf needed to go up in the kitchen. Once again he bemoaned the lack of list for himself and I pointed out that he had the whiteboard but had failed to put it up and use it. He immediately blamed me, saying I had not explicitly told him to hang it on our door!

I told him that's unfair and he can't expect me to manage his whole life and his every move, nor can he expect me to know how he is feeling or what he is thinking. I said that all the other ways I'd tried to help manage this were perfectly adequate, he just didn't want to do it. He told me I'm being unsupportive.

AIBU? He's my husband, not a project, and I am not a project manager! He has so many tools to help support himself outside of all the support I actually do give. I think he's being a lazy arse and wants me to handle everything!

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 29/01/2022 12:57

Was he always like this, i.e. even before you got married and even when you were just dating or has he become progressively worse at keeping his shit together?

deaexmachina · 29/01/2022 13:00

I have ADHD and am not currently medicated. I bought my own fucking whiteboard, I get myself and my ADHD kid out the house every morning with prompts from Alexa that I programmed. I am so disorganised that I go into hyper focus trying to be organised. I still forget stuff, have a million lists and have real trouble with time blindness abs task initiation. Is any of this my husband’s fault? No. Plus I expect him to be kind to me not to project manage me.
I think your husband needs to take more responsibility for his own life quite frankly.

AlexaShutUp · 29/01/2022 13:02

@Porcupineintherough, thinking about your question a bit more, the only way I can really describe it is that it's like a kind of mental paralysis. I know I need to do something and I want to get it done, but something unknown is stopping me from actually doing it.

Quite often, the "thing" itself can be a really trivial thing, and I know only too well that not doing it will be infinitely more stressful than just getting on and doing it. And yet I somehow cannot get started.

Like today. I have a fairly straightforward email that I need to send. It isn't hard and it won't be time consuming. Probably a 5 minute job. It's really weighing me down because I haven't done it, but every time I sit down to try and write it, I just can't make myself. I know how fucking ridiculous that sounds.

It's exhausting tbh.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 29/01/2022 13:12

@Ponoka7 I’m a single parent to 3 and I’ve never lost any of mine either - although that’s nothing short of a fucking miracle Grin

Everything important I own has a Tile on it.

Alexa doesn’t work for me because it’s just more NOISE and I often can’t filter what it’s saying from the 3 children chattering at me.

Apple Watch, however - that’s been a bit of a revelation.

I’m also a full time STEM student in a very contact hour heavy course and my answer to studying and managing that is that the primary age DC are in daycare from 8am - 5:30pm, Mon-Fri. When assignments are due and revision to be done, I’m often up till the early hours to cram it all in, and other things then get ignored.

It’s a constant cycle of chaos and mayhem, but I seem to be doing okay without a partner to prompt me or to blame for my failings. I own my failings.

I also realise the difference between glass balls and bouncy balls - example -

Assignment due - glass ball. I’m fucked if I don’t hand it on time and to a good standard.

Laundry - bouncy ball - can be ignored till glass ball job is done and easily sorted when I have hand space to catch it again.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 29/01/2022 13:13

@AlexaShutUp ADHD paralysis is very much A Thing

Spacerader · 29/01/2022 13:13

Stop micro managing your dh. For some people (not all) uou can have all the list, whute boards, alexa reminders and alerts in the world. This does not fix executive dysfunction. For many it's not always that they forget but that they do t have the ability to start the job. And no it is not because they are lazy.

You need to work with your husband to find out what would help and support him more. Also let him fail at things, he probably knows you will pock up after him, accountability and failure could get him to get things done more often.

I am an adult with adhd, and for me lists, reminders and notification so not work. It has taken years for me to find a routine that works for me.

Also, if he is medicated maybe it is worth re visiting titration to see if its worth changing doses/medication. And dont forget medication isn't a magic wand it doesn't make people do things, it simply helps boost executive function and helps keep people on task when they start.

crosbystillsandmash · 29/01/2022 13:13

@mynamesnotMa

Yes I have every right to be irritated by those who talk about it as a disability it isn't the same for everyone. I don't give two fustoons about how many people agree with you...what a childish way to make your point. I gave my opinion to the op. If this was a question about terrible is adhd I'd refrain from answering but don't tell me how to think. If I didn't have adhd I would not be able to do all I have done in my life. We have many skills and talents so take you and your pity party and stick it up your hole.
I'm not telling you how to think, I couldn't give two hoots how you think.

What I want is for you to resist from posting smug and unhelpful comments, to people who are clearly struggling.
I'm not alone, hopefully you've now left this thread.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 29/01/2022 13:15

@mynamesnotMa

Yes I have every right to be irritated by those who talk about it as a disability it isn't the same for everyone. I don't give two fustoons about how many people agree with you...what a childish way to make your point. I gave my opinion to the op. If this was a question about terrible is adhd I'd refrain from answering but don't tell me how to think. If I didn't have adhd I would not be able to do all I have done in my life. We have many skills and talents so take you and your pity party and stick it up your hole.
I absolutely wouldn’t be able to single parent 3DC and study a STEM degree full time WITHOUT certain abilities that ADHD gives me.

But can I apply those abilities to basic household tasks? No. Because they don’t interest me. So my ADHD doesn’t let me do them.

AlexaShutUp · 29/01/2022 13:27

I'm interested in the comments about some of the abilities that adhd gives people. I have also managed to juggle parenting with work, a part time masters and volunteering as a school governor, so on paper I have achieved a lot and I do not think I am fundamentally lazy. However, I do find some very simple aspects of life overwhelmingly difficult.

@Spacerader, I would be interested in knowing how you went about finding a routine that works for you. That's what I really need to do.

bjjgirl · 29/01/2022 13:37

So adhd massively help me in my life as much as it could hinder if I allowed it to.

I have strict routines and lists re weekly cleaning and organising. I exercise daily, sometimes twice a day to get my energy out

My adhd really helps me to flourish at
Work indeed all the best people in my profession I believe have it

I can hyper focus on tasks yet still see the bigger picture
My energy is infectious

Gizacluethen · 29/01/2022 13:40

YANBU I'm autistic, and have struggled with organisation my whole life. I used to write things on my hand. Now I have an online calender synced on all my devices that I add jobs to giving myself a set time to do it so "it's 2pm, time to go get the shopping" I keep shopping and gift lists on my phone notepad. I have alarms. He needs to sort himself out. The problem is when people do too much for you it's hard to integrate with.

I find things alot easier when I'm not getting "help".

mynamesnotMa · 29/01/2022 13:45

Thank god others are coming forward with more rational balanced arguments.

It's ridiculous you sneery patronising few feel it's OK to decide how others with adhd feel or think.
How depressing. That you should actually think it's acceptable to attack me for being positive about adhd.
Many of us see it in a positive way and I will never apologise to a few miserable keyboard warrior's. You don't like my opinion good. Because yours stinks

Spacerader · 29/01/2022 13:46

@AlexaShutUp

I'm interested in the comments about some of the abilities that adhd gives people. I have also managed to juggle parenting with work, a part time masters and volunteering as a school governor, so on paper I have achieved a lot and I do not think I am fundamentally lazy. However, I do find some very simple aspects of life overwhelmingly difficult.

@Spacerader, I would be interested in knowing how you went about finding a routine that works for you. That's what I really need to do.

Firstly, medication helps. It's not a miracle drug but does help my endurance and ability to follow things through.

I need to have a really set and repetitive routine in my days. So things get done at the same time every day, or there are tasks for certain days. I have to make sure that there are as little steps as possible to get things done. So for example, in work if I have to open a door, then a drawer, then a file to get what I need, thats to many steps and creates a barrier. Plus adhd can often give you object permeance, so out of sight out of mind. This is certainly the case for me. So important things can't be hidden away, because if I can't see it I won't do it.

But the thing that helped the most for me was really finding out what my struggles were, adapting processes and sequences to make it work better and I stopped beating myself up for not doing things the expected way. There is no right way as long as it gets done successfully. It also helps I have a really understanding partner, we work together and have found a way to help each other.

It hasn't always been so easy though, I have two dc, was a single parent for years and in uni and my life was chaos and I couldn't get things sorted or done.

Adhd has many downfalls, many which people don't even realise are related to adhd. But there are positives. I think that my adhd has made me relay good at tackling complex and abstract jobs or ideas. I'm very quick at producing answers and explanations and extracting random information. I don't often get caught up in emotions and am really good at giving unbiased and impartial advise. I dont often feel stressed and am fantastic in emergencies. I am very creative. I am ridiculously organised and know copious amounts of things when it is something I care about ir am invested in. Adhd hyperfocus is real.

crosbystillsandmash · 29/01/2022 13:49

@bjjgirl

So adhd massively help me in my life as much as it could hinder if I allowed it to.

I have strict routines and lists re weekly cleaning and organising. I exercise daily, sometimes twice a day to get my energy out

My adhd really helps me to flourish at
Work indeed all the best people in my profession I believe have it

I can hyper focus on tasks yet still see the bigger picture
My energy is infectious

Interested to read this. Dh is basically considered to be pioneer in his field, he's amazing at his job. Just as well, as he's always late but they're happy to overlook this because he's so good once he's arrived! He would describe himself as a mess of a person in lots of ways, very simple daily tasks appear to be a constant battle for me but medication has helped him very much. It's such a misunderstood condition isn't it?
Porcupineintherough · 29/01/2022 13:53

@AlexaShutUp thank you, that's really helpful. Thinking of the issues coming from a place of mental paralysis rather than disorganization, or forgetfulness, or laziness, or dreamyness, or whatever make a lot of sense (and even as a nt adult is totally relatable). It also explains why the "obvious" - lists etc arent working.

The problem about solutions which fail are they leave everyone feeling frustrated, confused and crap about themselves.

HashtagSexy · 29/01/2022 13:54

@mynamesnotMa

Honestly one person with adhd is not everyone. I am super organised. I have to be. I have strategies that I've had my whole life that means I am in control. It is not for anyone but him to work these out. Perhaps he finds the white board patronising I know I would. Leave him decide you will drive each other mad. The other side of adhd is we can be super organised and hyper focussed the deficit is with tedium but not everything.
It was his idea. He was the one who wanted white boards. I was the one who suggested apps
OP posts:
HashtagSexy · 29/01/2022 13:56

@PikachuAndMe

You don't sound very nice or supportive to him dismissing his condition as him "being a lazy arse and wants me to handle everything!" is awful.

If you want him to do things that are priorities to you then you might have to manage them. He has difficulties with organisation and you berating him for not being organised is not useful or constructive.

Way to read it totally wrongly. I've been married to him for ten years. It's about the whiteboard and him blowing up at me for not explicitly telling him to hang it up on the door, therefore blaming me because I didn't manage his whole step by step process for him. Not that his condition is being dismissed, but that he is being lazy by not even trying to manage his OWN IDEAS!
OP posts:
HashtagSexy · 29/01/2022 14:03

@GreenDressRedWine

Hi OP - is there a particular type of task that he avoids? I found identifying things I just don't want to do and outsourcing those was really helpful - is it mostly DIY stuff or tasks in general? It can be hard enough to organise yourself to do things you do want to do, doing things you don't really want to do can feel impossible sometimes.

Does he read and learn about how to be an adult with ADHD or has just been diagnosed and that's it?

He has dyslexia too, so trying to get him to read and learn about something he isn't interested in feels far too much like I'm his mum trying to get him to do his English homework. I read it and tell him bits that are interesting.

He hates anything that requires effort it seems. He makes tremendous amounts of mess and blames everyone else: like if the kids leave a wrapper on the side or their jeans on the floor he will lose his mind over how easy it is to use a bin or washing basket, but will neglect to do so himself. We have piles and piles of clutter everywhere because of him. Dozens of projects he was motivated to start and immediately lost interest in and abandoned. Everyone has asked why I don't sort it out for him. Why doesn't he just stop creating the mess and clutter when he knows he can't/won't sort it out? He KNOWS. And he'll give me this rueful, cheeky smile like "oh, aren't I adorable" when he absolutely wrecks something (example- he ripped part of the kitchen wall off to sort out a pipe that he had already been told was accessed behind one cupboard and I had begged that he call a plumber for) because he's decided to do something and then got bored of it.

Him giving me the "well, I can't do anything or organise myself at all because you didn't tell
me to hang up the whiteboard I ordered" has
pissed me right off today

OP posts:
BeQuietBrenda · 29/01/2022 14:06

Gosh OP, he sounds like a bloody nightmare.

I think in this case he is a thoroughly massive PITA toddler-man who also happens to have ADHD.

HashtagSexy · 29/01/2022 14:08

@BitcherOfBlakiven

I’ll add that I pay a cleaner to do 4 hours a week in my bog standard 3 bed terrace - which includes changing the bedding and a few other tasks cleaners don’t usually do, but mine does because I pay her more than her other clients. I have a disability that means I just can’t do certain things.

My ASD diagnosis also showed high levels of PDA, and cleaning is my major thing that I’ve spent years struggling to do and now just refuse to do because I know I can’t do it properly.

I’m also exhausted after a full week of University - STEM student so 35 hours of contact time and a minimum of 20 hours extra time for coursework, revision and outside reading. I occasionally pick up a part time short term job via Uni too.

I’m a single parent to 3DDs, the middle one has ADHD/ASD too.

All of the above leaves me totally fucking out of spoons to do anything else. What takes an NT person only one spoon, would take us four or five. That’s the important thing to remember with ADHD.

I want a cleaner. 😖 Dh doesn't think we need one. Dh doesn't do any cleaning. All three of my children have ADHD. I don't have the spoons to get everything done- my spoon debt is sky high and I should be able to rely on my husband to take some of that on. But no. Unless I absolutely lose my shit and probably worry him that unless he sorts SOMETHING out in the chaos he creates, I'll leave- nothing ever gets finished with him. He is the kindest, funniest, sweetest man and he's amazing in many ways- but that's not what I'm here to talk about.
OP posts:
BeQuietBrenda · 29/01/2022 14:09

One thing I know about myself and countless others with ADHD is that we will go to the ends of the earth (in our own time and with a few distractions along the way, obviously! 😂) to find strategies and ways of managing our neurodivergency. Your OH appears to be doing nothing of the sort and leaving it all to you to sort and manage. Problem being, we don't respond well to being micro managed and told what to do. Honestly, you're not the problem and his ADHD doesn't sound like the main problem. His attitude and willingness to play the victim is definitely the problem.

TheSnowyOwl · 29/01/2022 14:10

People with adhd will be affected differently and often men and women are different with it. Just because he is medicated doesn’t mean it doesn’t need a review to make sure it’s appropriate and suitable; it might have previously worked but doesn’t now. He might also object to you trying to micromanage him (although I appreciate how frustrating it probably is for you).

HashtagSexy · 29/01/2022 14:14

@Ponoka7

Can you answer if he works and did he manage at mainstream school/college, how was he parented etc. Most of the men on her are piss takers. They may need some support, my adult DD, who did cope in mainstream, was medicated from a child etc, certainly has needed support, but not micromanaging like this. I know each additional need presents differently, I've got a lot of experience with SN and child protection (a lot of newly single parents who have SN/AD come into the service and are taught strategies that allow them to run a house/children but they have to put the work in themselves) , but I don't see the total helplessness in RL that is described on here.
He does work. It's been a mission and a half to find him a job that he can stick at or that can cope with him. He has a job now that he knows back to front but tells him exactly what to do and when to do it, so that suits him.

School he was "dreadful" as one of his school reports says! He never did any coursework or homework, scraped some GCSEs, went to college and failed because he didn't do any of the self study. Work have sent him on courses and he's passed those because they're very much firmly holding his hand to do it.

OP posts:
HashtagSexy · 29/01/2022 14:17

@VladmirsPoutine

Was he always like this, i.e. even before you got married and even when you were just dating or has he become progressively worse at keeping his shit together?
Worse! He was always chaotic and somewhat scatterbrained but we are almost 40 and we've been together 13 years. He existed as an adult before me. He had his own flat, cooked his own food. It was probably all very samey and he lived in organised clutter, but he did his laundry and his dishes etc.

He has definitely definitely got worse and I think he's getting lazier because he knows I will simply have to handle it all

OP posts:
HashtagSexy · 29/01/2022 14:20

@Spacerader

Stop micro managing your dh. For some people (not all) uou can have all the list, whute boards, alexa reminders and alerts in the world. This does not fix executive dysfunction. For many it's not always that they forget but that they do t have the ability to start the job. And no it is not because they are lazy.

You need to work with your husband to find out what would help and support him more. Also let him fail at things, he probably knows you will pock up after him, accountability and failure could get him to get things done more often.

I am an adult with adhd, and for me lists, reminders and notification so not work. It has taken years for me to find a routine that works for me.

Also, if he is medicated maybe it is worth re visiting titration to see if its worth changing doses/medication. And dont forget medication isn't a magic wand it doesn't make people do things, it simply helps boost executive function and helps keep people on task when they start.

We've been together 13 years. I've done these "micro managing" things because he has asked for my help and suggested things to try. Everyone in this house except me suffers with executive dysfunction, which means I have to support four levels of it and not lose my mind in the process. The kids are learning about the impact that has on their lives- he knows the impact and still shifts it onto me rather than working on it together or for himself. It's exhausting.
OP posts:
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