To feel sorry for child being disciplined?

[turtleturtle]

Or controlled it seems to me!

I'll try to explain as best I can without outting myself.

Of course, each parent needs to discipline their child as they see fit. You know your child best and what works for one, may not work for another...

However, I have a friend and her DP who's discipline style honestly seems so obsessive and controlling!
Her DC5 is your average 5 year old, not excessively naughty but by no means an angel, just like my own DC.

I was out with them last week (friend, her DC, her partner which is also her DC step parent, and my own DC who is the same age).

Their whole focus every single time is around the discipline. Their DC is constantly being told what to do, what is expected, and if they are slightly out of line they are threatened with consequences. In itself the model seems fair, but it is honestly CONSTANT.

There is no other conversation in between, no nice times or chats, the only time the child is spoken to is to be told what is expected or to be told what the punishment is.
It just seems so in-proportionate to the child's age and behaviour.

It makes things awkward too as I feel I am a bit more flexible with my DC, so I feel so sorry when my friends DC is constantly being told off for seemingly "kid" things.

They (my friend and her DP) are very much a tag team, again which seems like a good model, but it just comes across in such a coercive way. They just seem so cold and seem to have forgotten it's just a 5 year old and to also enjoy time together.

My friend and her DP both sit and cuddle, hold hands, talk etc, but this doesn't seem to be reflected to the DC.
5 year olds aren't robots and can't always sit quietly and behave impeccably and remember every instruction but it very much seems this is the outcome they are trying for.
It just makes me so sad as that DC has no other choice.

AIBU to feel sorry for the DC or should I just mind my own business?

I think your going to have to give some examples of what they don’t allow that you do in order to know who is being unreasonable..

What kind of things is dc told off for/what are the parent’s expectations? How is the dc punished/what are the consequences? Does dc see their dad?

Has friend always been like this or has her parenting approach fallen in line with the stepdad?

I think if you never see her express any affection to her 5yo whilst slobbering all over her boyfriend, that in and of itself is concerning.

Is she your friend or the mother of your child's friend? How likely is it (if you get her on her own) that you could have a frank chat about it?

Poor kid. Sounds very hard always being got at and never hugged

DC used to see dad intermittently but they don't anymore, I'm not too sure of the details.

For example, rolling their sleeves up.
Why did you roll them up? Roll them back down, they don't need to be rolled up. Do it now.

DC told by somebody "be careful you might bump your head" child continues. Then my friend jumps in to tell child "you have just been told no, now stop it!"

Things like this that constantly happen each time I see them.

Also, don't get me wrong. DC is loved and cared for.
I just feel like they've decided on a method to use which is fine, but that they've got too caught up in it and forgot to relax and sometimes I just think DC could be cut some slack.

Of course I only see how they are when out and about etc, and dynamics could be different at home. It's just when I see the little disappointment on DC face it really pulls at my heart strings.

Any more examples of what they get disciplined for? And what's the discipline? Shouting? What consequences do they threaten?

I'm willing to bet theres a certain amount of you seeing what you want to see.

My friend might describe me as somewhat in the vein you describe. We are firm parents, take the view that it's better to nip things in the bud, don't allow our children to be rude etc.

However from my perspective.....
She is a relaxed parent to the point where her child isn't used to ever being asked/made to do things he doesnt want. So I don't have him for playdates any more because he (school aged child) climbs all over the sofa, breaks toys, and doesnt stop doing things when asked. She doesn't ever impose any boundaries or consequences.

DC told by somebody "be careful you might bump your head" child continues. Then my friend jumps in to tell child "you have just been told no, now stop it!"

Presumably child is doing something a bit dangerous/unsafe? How would you handle it,

@OfstedOffred yes I see your point.

Consequences would be things like going straight to bed when they go home, or no sweets.

I don't think any of these things are inherently bad or mean, I just think how constant it is sometimes seem overwhelming.

@OfstedOffred bumping head while playing den making under the table.
I think "be careful you might bump your head" is proportionate in that situation, I'd let my child continue and if they bump their head, it's a risk they've taken!
As opposed to being in some kind of real danger of injury where of course a "no, stop" would be appropriate.

Everyone's view on reasonable risks is slightly different. You don't know their background. My DBiL is extremely cautious with his kids as a relative of his had a serious accident playing on some normal playground equipment.

To be honest it may well be performance parenting when they have an audience and they are nothing like this at home

I think it's very judgmental of you to be discussing it on here and really none of your business how someone parents their child

The thing is this a 5 year old, not a 3 year old.at school they will be expected to do as they are told, follow instructions. It is the age where expectations do notch up behaviour wise and repeatedly ignoring instructions won't go down well.

And removal of sweets etc is a perfectly acceptable mode of discipline, they are a treat and it's normal to lose treats if you don't behave well

As I said, I don't think the fact of disciplining is the issue, and I don't think the consequences are extreme.

It's the balance of conversation where discipline seems to be the main thing at play and it just makes me feel a bit sad for DC. That's all.

Oh and my friends probably wouldn't often see me hugging DS out and about. He's a 5 year old boy he is too busy playing!

He gets tons of snuggles and affection at home but it tends to be first thing in the morning or at bedtime or having a bit of tv after lunch or dinner.

It's the balance of conversation where discipline seems to be the main thing at play and it just makes me feel a bit sad for DC

You do you. They may be thinking your DC are constantly naughty and you never pick them up on it.

YANBU. I hate it when kids are not allowed to act as kids. We cannot control their every move.

Coka you parent your kids how you want and let other parents get on with their own kids.

I'd also take this point to remind people to be tolerant of the fact that expectations can be very different in other cultures and that is absolutely fine. What you might consider "strict" might be completely normal, other cultures would consider some aspects of western culture to be permissive rather than relaxed.

This doesn’t sound right to me. Discipline with a five year old is much more about positive reinforcement, modelling behaviour etc. It shouldn’t be consistently punitive. I’ve taught Year One before and had them all behaving themselves, but you don’t achieve that through constant criticism.
I was going to say that the best thing you can do is model other ways of managing behaviour and hope they pick up on it, but going by PP there’s a chance they’ll just think you’re too relaxed. If it’s not abusive I think all you can do is keep an eye on it and be as pleasant to that child as possible when you see them.

“ Consequences would be things like going straight to bed”

I disagree. You should never make bedtime to be a punishment. You can’t expect a child to go to bed calmly on other nights, if it’s also deemed a punishment.

You may find their child particularly misbehaves when out, so they are extra careful.

The rolling of sleeves seems a bit odd but the bumping doesn’t. The friend is reinforcing her command, when the child disobeys her.

Discipline with a five year old is much more about positive reinforcement, modelling behaviour

Again, difference of opinion. By age 5 in my family we would expect generally a child to listen and follow an instruction. Modelling behaviour and positive reinforcement alone I would consider appropriate for a toddler. I dont think it should be constantly punitive but asking a child to stop doing something dangerous (and getting cross when you are ignored) is perfectly normal.

Oh and I agree that rolling sleeves one is weird.

Being sent to bed early might sound like "punishment" but perhaps her child is like mine - he basically only behaves badly when he is hungry or tired and sometimes needs an early night!!

I mean how constant are we talking here OP?

Do bear in mind situations like playdates and park after school can get rowdy and overexcited, it may be that in those situations their children act out and need reminding how to behave.