To feel sorry for child being disciplined?

[turtleturtle]

Or controlled it seems to me!

I'll try to explain as best I can without outting myself.

Of course, each parent needs to discipline their child as they see fit. You know your child best and what works for one, may not work for another...

However, I have a friend and her DP who's discipline style honestly seems so obsessive and controlling!
Her DC5 is your average 5 year old, not excessively naughty but by no means an angel, just like my own DC.

I was out with them last week (friend, her DC, her partner which is also her DC step parent, and my own DC who is the same age).

Their whole focus every single time is around the discipline. Their DC is constantly being told what to do, what is expected, and if they are slightly out of line they are threatened with consequences. In itself the model seems fair, but it is honestly CONSTANT.

There is no other conversation in between, no nice times or chats, the only time the child is spoken to is to be told what is expected or to be told what the punishment is.
It just seems so in-proportionate to the child's age and behaviour.

It makes things awkward too as I feel I am a bit more flexible with my DC, so I feel so sorry when my friends DC is constantly being told off for seemingly "kid" things.

They (my friend and her DP) are very much a tag team, again which seems like a good model, but it just comes across in such a coercive way. They just seem so cold and seem to have forgotten it's just a 5 year old and to also enjoy time together.

My friend and her DP both sit and cuddle, hold hands, talk etc, but this doesn't seem to be reflected to the DC.
5 year olds aren't robots and can't always sit quietly and behave impeccably and remember every instruction but it very much seems this is the outcome they are trying for.
It just makes me so sad as that DC has no other choice.

AIBU to feel sorry for the DC or should I just mind my own business?

The problem , if there is one, is possibly more not engaging nicely with the boy, no chatting, playing, asking what he wants etc etc If its all orders and criticisms, that's pretty mean. It could make him feel unwanted, a nuisance.

@SportsMother

No parent is a martinet at home and giving cuddles at home.

You are seeing the nice version of what that child experiences, and I bet that step-dad (and maybe mum too) adds in a few nasty names at the end of the instruction at home.

I hope I’d say something. She sounds ghastly

This is untrue. I am way more strict with DS when out. At age 5 if i wasnt constantly on him (like these parents) his small misbehaviours would escalate very quickly. I constantly had to remind him whats expected of him and scold him if he didnt stop because when i didnt he would get worse and worse and it would get out of hand. He is 7 now and much better. He was always amazing at home, but leaving the house was somehow overwhelming him and making him “crazy”. With DD i never had to do any of that. Shes my angel outside of the house (her crazy time starts at home).

I have a friend like this, so I understand your post completely. There’s nothing else but reprimands and instructions- no fun or warmth between parent and child. It makes me really sad.

I’ve actually brought it up with my friend, and also modelled affection with her children. She tries (briefly), but I just don’t think it’s there ☹️.

I hate this kind of parenting, where 95% of the interactions with a child are instructions or threats. I don't have any research to show that it is damaging in the long term- these things are very hard to prove.

My gut instinct is that it is incredibly annoying (even upsetting) for anyone listening, and (more importantly) it saps the child of positive will to do stuff. Kids end up either a bit drained of their own creativity or channelling that creativity into being troublesome (because they keep being told by parents that any unprescribed impulses they have are 'naughty', so they come to believe that ).

We have friends like that. If I gave one or two examples it would seem fine but it's the constantness that's the issue. I get it op.

I knew a couple like this with their dc.
It was like a power play. I feel sorry for dc who have these rigid childhoods.

I think there is a lot to be said for trusting your gut instinct.
I think you are able to distinguish from different parenting styles and boundaries and something that feels unhealthy.
It worries me there is a step dad in the middle of this “tag team” dynamic as well. Also that there is such a different level of love show to each other compared to them and the child.

Saying all of that I can’t think of anything you can do apart from keep an eye on it. Maybe praise the child’s temperament /behaviour privately to the mother.

Nothing I did as a child was right nothing absolutely nothing. Take shoes off line them up dragged back they were on the shoes rack but in the wrong place dragged back again they were touching the wall - expected to come and greet their friends and play the violin and all that crap and then go quietly and silently to my room to study whilst they had a dinner party. Etc

You can’t do anything here - they will parent as they see fit. I am no contact with mine with good reason

I get it OP. And I agree it's horrible. I have friends like this and I'm just uncomfortable around them now, so I keep thinking for their poor kids it's 100x worse as they can't escape. It's all about control and your rolling up the sleeves example shows this; that's not safety or behavior, that's pure need to control. I don't know what you can do, other than just show the kids love.

By contrast I feel sorry for my friends much more "relaxed" parented child. He ignores instructions and gets what he wants a lot at home.

He has struggled badly starting school, because he is expected to do as the teacher asks, even if he doesnt want to, and that's a harder adjustment at 5 than it is at 3.

Other parents won't have him on playdates because he is wild, does whatever he wants to and completely ignores being asked to stop.

It's not a good thing to allow a child to behave like 3 year old toddler tyrant forever.

OP I know what you mean. A df’s kids aren’t allowed to have fun. They sit there, sad and serious with their sad and serious parents looking wistfully and the kids running round talking and laughing. It’s painful to watch and I am sure those kids will rebel when they are old enough.

At not and

It sounds 'off' to me - and I've seen it before. Mum going along with 'stepdad' to prove what a good dad he is, what an interest he takes. Totally besotted by newish man, and being a family unit, rather than being besotted by her own child. He would call the kid in loudly, for dinner, so the whole estate knew they sat down to a proper dinner - and that he was head of the house.
The glee with which he pronounced the sanctions/punishments was jarring. He was so obviously disappointed when the boy came home on time, or did as he was told.
It was constant and it was miserable.
And, yes, I know this about someone else's household - new build, thin walls, loud, voices.

There's a huge difference between appropriate boundaries and having most/all of your interactions as correction. I've found the best way to get dd to behave well is based on connection and that's based on laughter and fun most of the time and then when I need to tell her to stop I do. we have a warm and loving relationship so she isn't worried by it but she listens and remembers. Patenting is about the long game and the foundations they are laying now will set their path for the future.

People often comment on how well behaved dd is and she is often out at others houses without me now she's 10.

I feel really sorry for this little boy. Yes he's old enough to be in school but at his age the lessons are play based and teachers certainly don't look for perfection. I don't know what you can do though. What a difficult situation

I have a friend like this. I know it is partly anxiety driving it but she is constantly telling her children to do this/do that/watch out for/why did you… she also does it to her husband. She does it in their home language, but it is clear what the meaning is. The children also have a tightly packed extra curricular life of music/sport/extra tuition/hone language classes. It is exhausting to be near.

But she loves her children very, very much, and I know they prioritise snuggle at home on the sofa in front of a film. However, it doesn’t stop me seeing the £££ in future therapy costs stacking up in front of me. Ironically, my friend has also had therapy for the way her parents treated her but she is unable to see the connection.

To some extent, I was your friend. I wanted my DC to be very well behaved and compliant. They were very much loved and cared for but the balance was wrong.
When DC were 6 and 3, we went on holiday with a family who had a more loving and guiding approach rather than punitive and they were very close to their children and it really opened my eyes. My DH and I definitely moderated our approach after that and made sure we balanced the 'instruction' with fun and cuddles.
You can only only hope that your friends will see your approach and take something positive away. They could possibly damage the self esteem of the child or have a very rebellious teen on their hands and learn the hard way.

I don’t know if any of you are curb your enthusiasm fans but there’s an episode where he has a new jumper and he doesn’t want to roll the sleeves up at all because it will ruin them. Maybe your friend thinks rolling sleeves up ruins clothing too? It can stretch the material out and make it saggier. Just saying.

I don’t think she sounds all that bad from the examples you gave, just has a different parenting style to you which isn’t a bad thing. I would have told my DC to stop playing under the table too, I’m guessing this was at a restaurant or something? I wouldn’t like that if so.

YANBU. My childrens 'dad is like this. It is just relentless, a constant stream of barking instructions, threats and criticism. At times he would tone it down in public (even then he was still the parent everyone stared at for shouting and constantly moaning at their kids) or at other times infront of certain people he would go even more over the top to make a point of how 'in control' he was.

It was depressing and upsetting to witnesd and It drained my kids' creativity, their enjoyment and their spirit. It went against all my parenting views so much so that I left him and the kids are much more relaxed now at home with me and they are very well behaved.

Poor kid a partner comes along and doesn’t like the way the child behaves (like a child) and the parent changes to please the partner

The op feelings uncomfortable because it is uncomfortable. Loving and affectionate towards each other but not the child that’s not right. Poor kid let’s hope this relationship fizzles out soon

I forgot, re the sad and serious parents- they keep on bulkying their kids with, “what will other people think?” And “everyone is looking at you!”. Nobody is looking at them and what other people are thinking is they should let their children have fun and relax their stern and ever vigilant control. But nobody says anything and on it goes.

FIL was like this with the GC. 'Silliness' was never allowed. Even Xmas day. He even once rambled on about his 'expectations' of their behaviour. Continually barking 'elbows' off the table at mealtimes like a dictator.
DH has a very formal relationship with his parents and at 51 is still nervous of their disapproval.

Don’t understand the aggressive posts challenging the op for “judging” and asking for more examples. I know exactly what op means and it’s distressing to watch. It borders into abusive sadly.

We had friends abit like this with their first child small toddler yelled at for not “tidying up” their toys immediately. Sometimes it’s clueless insecure parenting they so terrified of their child being “naughty” and them being “soft” they go too far.

The new relationship and both constantly reprimanding the child sent chills down my spine - that seemed to be the dynamic of some of the recent horrific child abusers cases in the press.

@OfstedOffred I’m my experience children who are patented like this are actually the ones who are less well behaved at school and in play dates. They are so used to being constantly corrected at home that when they are in a situation where they aren’t then they go wild with the freedom.

I have friends like this. I find it really hard to be around them and have distanced myself a lot from them. It’s the lack of affection too.

Poor kid 😔