To think this isn’t feasible at all?

[cantkeepgoinganymore]

Posted a lot over Christmas .

DM, 57, has severe mental health issues . She either needs care at home or more likely, inpatient bed or rehab . Can’t be left alone really as risk too high. She’s not for sectioning but GP says she could do a voluntary admit to hospital .

Mum’s family don’t want that (well, some do), but they can’t support her at home for various reasons.

I’ve been her carer years and years. I’m now studying 150 miles away . If I drop out now that’s uni gone, I’ll never ever get this chance again, all assessments I’ve done would be invalid within a couple of years and I’d not get funding again . Uni said I’d be stupid to pull out now as I’m halfway through third year (4 year total) and getting distinction right through, so obviously something I’m good at … plus I need a career for my future, I need to be able to financially support myself.

I’ve been asked if I can go home and study from a distance . I panicked abs said yes .

I’m now thinking - I can’t .

I have to pay rent on my flat, it’s a 2 year contract that’s very tightly done and if I don’t pay my guarantor will have to (to the tune of £10k) .

Studying from home means I’ve zero access to meeting classmates, lecturers, uni facilities such as library . I’ve 10000 words of assignments due by end April, at least two of which will need me to access the library for resources but ideally all of them .

I’ll be in uni at least 6-8 hours a day, 4 hours a day of which are zoom classes, won’t be able to help mum at all as I’ll be busy .

I’ve also got face to face classes and presentations and clinical skills assessments - family said I could nip down to uni the night before them, and come home straight after - 400 miles of travel in 18 hours at least once a week .

I won’t be able to access GP services as I’m registered near my halls - can’t temporarily register with mum’s surgery as it would be for an indefinite period. I’m waiting on a 2ww for scans for me and possibly a minor op, that I’d obviously have to cancel, and have two non urgent hospital appts too.

Uni, and my mum’s GP have both said several times they think this is a crazy option, Mum’s GP was on phone half an hour pleasing with me to stay out and said she’s trying to get mum an inpatient bed asap .

I’m lying in bed tossing and turning and realising this is a terrible idea, but I don’t know how to say no . I don’t know what to do. I’m travelling up in 12 hours but how do I explain that I can literally only stay a week? Any longer and I’ll have to give in and give up uni . I don’t know what to do .

Don’t do it! Your mum may still be ill in a few years time and for may years to come regardless of whether you go home now. By securing your own future you will be helping her in the long run, as you will be in better position to support her in what is likely a long term problem.

@Allpenguinsarepingus

Your mum’s GP is telling you to stay put for 2 very important reasons. 1: it makes it easier for her/him to advocate for your mum to get a bed in residential care. 2: you have told her moving would be extremely detrimental to your own mental health and have implied it would leave you suicidal.

Stay put. Get your degree. Prioritize your own mental health and future. Prioritize your mum getting professional care via residential treatment. Call you mum. Visit your mum when you can. Don’t become her carer. If other family members put pressure on you, tell them what the gp said: it would be best for your mum to have inpatient care right now and you going home would only delay it.

Cannot emphasise this enough! Wider family have their own agenda (protecting funds?) If you return home your mum won’t get the care she needs.

Please don't do it! Stay in uni! You deserve your own life and you do not need to look after your mum.

I’ve been thinking about you OP, hope you are ok and it is working out. What a horrible position to have been put in.

Your needs & commitments are just as valid as the rest of your family’s .

Just because you’re in the process of establishing your career & future, doesn’t mean there aren’t serious consequences for you if these get interrupted & derailed.

If other family members cannot drop their hours or change their commitments then it has come to the stage for external services to step in.

Listen to your instincts & don’t let them bulldoze you. You shouldn’t be made to feel that the responsibility for your mum’s care lies solely on you.

Feel for you OP.

All the best op

Mum’s since been assessed by hospital and they’re pretty sure it’s frontotemporal dementia or early onset Alzheimer’s . Will take a few months to confirm either way, as there’s still a portion of doubt there that it might just be mental health . She’s going on list for very sheltered housing next week, and I’m hopefully going back to uni flat same time - been living with her since Jan, consultants said this week it can’t carry on as I’ll end up ill too . We do get carers in 5 x a day but it just isn’t enough any more . Her GP was on phone forty mins yesterday and said her biggest hope is that in ten years I’ll have my career, home, family etc, said they aren’t unrealistic goals .

I rather wish I could have that and still have my mum too iyswim but that seems v unlikely sadly . In process of packing mums house up just now - which is a hell of a job !!

In the end uni let me complete the semester online, but haven’t been able to do assignments or exams, they’ve all been deferred to July/August which isn’t ideal really but no other option .

So sorry for your mum OP & that you’re going through this. But really pleased you have had someone on your side through all of this looking out for your interests too (your wonderful GP). Bitter sweet as you say as you’d much rather it wasn’t this way, but seems the best possible outcome for both your mum & you, given the really difficult circumstances.
Wishing you the best for your future OP you most definitely deserve it

Thank you so much

I think so yes, definitely not what I wanted at all - even if it does turn out to be mental health (as unlikely as GP says that is) she needs much more support than I can realistically give, so it’s the best possible outcome in a horrendous situation yes . Hopefully it’s not too long a wait for a move into sheltered .

If push came to shove the others could take mortgage break and apply for dependants leave or a sabbatical etc. They don't want to.

Sorry came in late. Sorry you've been going through this at such a young age. My dad is in his 70s and has vascular dementia, profoundly deaf and anxiety and confusion. I'm so glad he's married and I'm not having to look after him.