To think this isn’t feasible at all?

[cantkeepgoinganymore]

Posted a lot over Christmas .

DM, 57, has severe mental health issues . She either needs care at home or more likely, inpatient bed or rehab . Can’t be left alone really as risk too high. She’s not for sectioning but GP says she could do a voluntary admit to hospital .

Mum’s family don’t want that (well, some do), but they can’t support her at home for various reasons.

I’ve been her carer years and years. I’m now studying 150 miles away . If I drop out now that’s uni gone, I’ll never ever get this chance again, all assessments I’ve done would be invalid within a couple of years and I’d not get funding again . Uni said I’d be stupid to pull out now as I’m halfway through third year (4 year total) and getting distinction right through, so obviously something I’m good at … plus I need a career for my future, I need to be able to financially support myself.

I’ve been asked if I can go home and study from a distance . I panicked abs said yes .

I’m now thinking - I can’t .

I have to pay rent on my flat, it’s a 2 year contract that’s very tightly done and if I don’t pay my guarantor will have to (to the tune of £10k) .

Studying from home means I’ve zero access to meeting classmates, lecturers, uni facilities such as library . I’ve 10000 words of assignments due by end April, at least two of which will need me to access the library for resources but ideally all of them .

I’ll be in uni at least 6-8 hours a day, 4 hours a day of which are zoom classes, won’t be able to help mum at all as I’ll be busy .

I’ve also got face to face classes and presentations and clinical skills assessments - family said I could nip down to uni the night before them, and come home straight after - 400 miles of travel in 18 hours at least once a week .

I won’t be able to access GP services as I’m registered near my halls - can’t temporarily register with mum’s surgery as it would be for an indefinite period. I’m waiting on a 2ww for scans for me and possibly a minor op, that I’d obviously have to cancel, and have two non urgent hospital appts too.

Uni, and my mum’s GP have both said several times they think this is a crazy option, Mum’s GP was on phone half an hour pleasing with me to stay out and said she’s trying to get mum an inpatient bed asap .

I’m lying in bed tossing and turning and realising this is a terrible idea, but I don’t know how to say no . I don’t know what to do. I’m travelling up in 12 hours but how do I explain that I can literally only stay a week? Any longer and I’ll have to give in and give up uni . I don’t know what to do .

Don't go.

It won't help her or you.

Are you in therapy? If not, while you're at uni, talk to your wellbeing support team and get some help

Stop feeli guilty! ITS NOT YOUR JOB!

Your job is to look after YOU.

Sounds like the GP thinks mum will be better off in hospital - she’s is the pro, listen to her.

So your family is offering you up as the sacrificial lamb so their comfy life isn't disrupted dealing with this.

Will they support you for the rest of your life when you are unable to get a job? Or will they let you languish on the breadline for the same reasons.

Say no and live your life!

So tough, but please be strong. Your future is worth investing in. You've more than done your bit. Stand firm and another option will present itself for your DM.

Stay put.If you rock up and do it then there’s less inclination for her to be admitted
What happens if you move back and 3 weeks down the line she’s admitted in anyway?
She also needs the professionals now to step in.If your mum was well enough I’m sure the last thing she would want is for you to uproot yourself now when you are doing so well.I’m sure deep down you know the best thing to do is stay put-what would you tell others in the same situation as yourself?

As everyone has said, you must not leave university. You will be risking your own mental health.

That isn't the solution.

Furthermore, your mum needs professional help, if she's ill enough to be considered as an inpatient. Her GP knows you re not the solution.

Allow them to find a solution that has professional help built-in.

You need to let your family know you can't look after your mum, and that you also have financial and other contractual commitments, so it won't be possible in the future.

I'm so sorry you have been put in this position, but you must save yourself. If you go under, your mum won't be helped anyway, in fact, it may worsen things. Look after yourself, stay in uni, tell the family you cannot leave for financial reasons, but that you will support from a distance going forward.

Am I being naive in thinking that if you remove yourself from the equation and don't return even for a week it will make it easier for the GP to find a bed as there is no-one to provide care at home?

Stay at uni, don't even go back for the week, you need a break before this situation breaks you. I know you feel guilty, anyone would, but you need to look after yourself. And I say this as someone who has been driven to the brink by dealing with a parent's bad health. Tell whoever you need to that you won't be returning due to your health, you don't have to explain further than that, and try to speak to your own GP on Monday about how you are feeling and access any support you can to help you deal with your feelings. And be kind to yourself.

As pp said, time for a bout of covid while the GP cracks on. Stay put. You’re toast if you go.

Please, please stay at university. You have given such compelling reasons, and your family should be supporting you in this. They want you as a skivvy so they have the satisfaction of your mother being cared for without any disruption to their own lives. They are not thinking of you, so for once you need to put yourself first.

Stay in Uni. Do not give up your future.

I might be wrong but I expect if you were a man your family wouldn't be asking you. You have done enough, let others take their turn.

"Uni, and my mum’s GP have both said several times they think this is a crazy option, Mum’s GP was on phone half an hour pleading with me to stay out and said she’s trying to get mum an inpatient bed asap."

Your Mum's GP knows the history and is pleading with you NOT to go back.

You have been her carer for years and years and her relatives need to step in. Let the helpful GP get an inpatient bed. She is saving you.

You Are the Child here.

I have seen and experienced this first hand and it is gut wrenching to have to decide.

But as @tenohfour has so clearly explained above, you just cannot go back.

Please. For you and your future's sake. Don't go back.

Your GP is right. Sending hugs and strength.

Ok the hardest part is going to be telling them. You're going to need to think of something short and definite - don't give a huge explanation because then they'll give them things to pick apart.

I've had time to think about it, and this plan really isn't going to work for us. We'll have to think of something different. I appreciate you all have mortgages and careers etc that stops you from stepping in and this is what I need to do so I can have a mortgage and career too.

Then whatever they argue, don't go into specifics just so-
'But when you have in person lectures, on of us could step in and you can drive down to uni'
'No that really wouldn't be practical. That wouldn't work at all.'
No reasoning or bargaining, they can't force you just say no.

My own mum gave up her dreams to care for an elderly relative and Christ it's affected her. The resentment festers away still 50 years down the line and it was no fun to live with.

It definitely is not feasible and I agree with the GP and othe posters that you should stay at uni.

Your mum sounds like she needs more support than previously (I'm assuming she's managed up to now as you're in your 3rd year or current arrangements have broken down )

It's not selfish to think about your own mental health and future.

Don't go back at all. As a mother myself I would be horrified if my child gave you their degree to look after me. Your mum might not be in a position to really understand or express that but please stay put in uni. You've done a fantastic job but it's time for a change and maybe hospital is the best place for her.
You've absolutely done your share, let someone else take a stint now and thy can organise residential care for her ❤️

@Spud1130

It'd be a real shame if you caught could right about now... In all seriousness, by you staying put, your mum is far more likely to get admitted if her care needs aren't being met.

This.

As hard as it I'd you need to put your own oxygen mask on first.

I would 100% say you have covid and not travel down tomorrow. Keep in touch w GP and support from afar.
This will force an actual proper solution... by travelling down you risk being cohersed and used as a human plaster by your aunts uncles and /or older siblings

Do not put yourself in that situation

You don't have to say you've caught covid (how do you explain when you catch it in two weeks then say?), just that you've been a close contact and they advise avoiding g public transport, vulnerable people etc (they do!). Stay put.

Also, contact Student Well-being g for support for you. They are brilliant at most unis.

Absolutely don't go. Tell them that you panicked and said yes, but that it won't work. Do not let them make you feel more guilty (I'm sure you already feel bad enough). That GP sounds spot on. Your mum needs propper help and you need to sort yourself out first. It's amazing that you're doing so well with your studies, please hold on tight and keep them up.

You sound amazing

Stay at uni. You deserve a future.

You have been your mums carer. You have stepped up to the plate. You have sacrificed already.

Now you need to live your own life. If I was your mum I would tell you to stay at uni.

Your family are being selfish. You've done the caring for years.

Your mum needs help you cannot give her. Let the gp sort this out. You not being there will make the process easier.

I say this all factual. But I know that's not how you're feeling. My heart goes out to you. I can hear the pain in your voice.

This is unfair. You have out in years of support for your mum. The professionals are saying stay put so listen to them, not the people using you to ensure they dont have to lift a finger.

As awful as this sounds, when your mum passes away (whether than be tomorrow or is 30 years) you will still be here with what kind of future? If you drop out now to dedicate your life to her you will have nothing left.

So they r all got mortgages to pay and can't help?

Well, you need to get to the position of that and you can't help either.

Have covid this week and let the GP help

Don’t do it. It’s hard and the guilt is tremendous but this is your future. If you go home you will be filling a gap and pp are right, it takes the pressure off for other solutions to be identified.

I supported/cared for my dad for years from my teenage years. I finally got some support systems in place because he was very stubborn about the level of help he needed and moved and had my dd. I was 35. So many of my years were wasted tailoring my life around his needs at the expense of my own. Eventually I got frightened by the years rolling by and the potential of being left with no semblance of a life after he passed.

As it goes he’s now in nursing accommodation and not long for this world. He’s probably (apart from his illness) in the best condition he’s been in for years and I realise now that my support was enabling him to just manage instead of what would have actually been best all round for him.

I couldn’t give him what he needed and I suspect the same is true for your mum.

Please don't go, just stay in bed if that's what it takes. Don't answer your phone, turn it off or block all the numbers except the GPs and uni. You're family don't want her to go into in patient care but they don't want to look after her either. I get that they have bills to pay but that can't be at the price of you sacrificing your entire life. If you go now even for one week you'll never leave, the GP may lose the bed if it looks like care at home is available. Please don't sacrifice your life for this. And stop talking to your family.

Do not go. If you can send you message via text or email, better.

"Sorry, I thought I could study from home for a while, but Uni are being clear I need to be here. Someone else will have to step in. I can't."

Do not go back.

Don't go back at all OP. Cite your own mental health issues. If you go back you'll end up stuck there.