To think this isn’t feasible at all?

[cantkeepgoinganymore]

Posted a lot over Christmas .

DM, 57, has severe mental health issues . She either needs care at home or more likely, inpatient bed or rehab . Can’t be left alone really as risk too high. She’s not for sectioning but GP says she could do a voluntary admit to hospital .

Mum’s family don’t want that (well, some do), but they can’t support her at home for various reasons.

I’ve been her carer years and years. I’m now studying 150 miles away . If I drop out now that’s uni gone, I’ll never ever get this chance again, all assessments I’ve done would be invalid within a couple of years and I’d not get funding again . Uni said I’d be stupid to pull out now as I’m halfway through third year (4 year total) and getting distinction right through, so obviously something I’m good at … plus I need a career for my future, I need to be able to financially support myself.

I’ve been asked if I can go home and study from a distance . I panicked abs said yes .

I’m now thinking - I can’t .

I have to pay rent on my flat, it’s a 2 year contract that’s very tightly done and if I don’t pay my guarantor will have to (to the tune of £10k) .

Studying from home means I’ve zero access to meeting classmates, lecturers, uni facilities such as library . I’ve 10000 words of assignments due by end April, at least two of which will need me to access the library for resources but ideally all of them .

I’ll be in uni at least 6-8 hours a day, 4 hours a day of which are zoom classes, won’t be able to help mum at all as I’ll be busy .

I’ve also got face to face classes and presentations and clinical skills assessments - family said I could nip down to uni the night before them, and come home straight after - 400 miles of travel in 18 hours at least once a week .

I won’t be able to access GP services as I’m registered near my halls - can’t temporarily register with mum’s surgery as it would be for an indefinite period. I’m waiting on a 2ww for scans for me and possibly a minor op, that I’d obviously have to cancel, and have two non urgent hospital appts too.

Uni, and my mum’s GP have both said several times they think this is a crazy option, Mum’s GP was on phone half an hour pleasing with me to stay out and said she’s trying to get mum an inpatient bed asap .

I’m lying in bed tossing and turning and realising this is a terrible idea, but I don’t know how to say no . I don’t know what to do. I’m travelling up in 12 hours but how do I explain that I can literally only stay a week? Any longer and I’ll have to give in and give up uni . I don’t know what to do .

Listen to the professionals.
Your family are thinking of themselves, so should you

Have they actually given any reason as to why they don't want her to get proper medical support? Her GP thinks it is in her best interests. Seems like you and her both lose if you go back, so what would they gain? It's usually that people benefit financially, or they would feel "shame" for having a relative in that position. Neither are your problem.

In ten years time, which would you regret most - going or not going?

It sounds like you’d regret going, you know you’d get trapped. And it also sounds like not going would force the issue, and get your mum the care she needs. I don’t think you’d regret that.

Don’t give in to them - please. Your tutors and your mother’s own doctor have said this is a bad idea and won’t work out. Tell them no you can’t, it’s not an option for you to meet your course commitments like this. Tell them now before you see them. Then decide whether you want to visit.

Of course your family think you should give up your life, your hopes and dreams for your future and all you have worked for... it saves them having to do ANYTHING...
If they are really so concerned, why are they not stepping in/up???
They have their lives, jobs, houses,cars... all that you are working towards right now...
Stay where you are... finish your course... the gp sees this situation every day...where 'family' decide who will be sacrificed.
Dont let this happen to you.
Live YOUR life.

@bloodywhitecat

Don't go. The pressure on you to stay once you are there will be huge. Listen to the GP, if family are so keen for your DM to not be admitted then they need to step up and do her care.

This.

Do NOT give up University and your flat for anything.

Your mother is NOT your responsibility.

Tell her family to do what is best.

Hand it over to THEM.

Don't allow them to guilt you.

This is NOT your responsibility.

Please do NOT go home.

What an awful family wanting you to give up your future.

What a lovely GP trying to protect you from them.

Do NOT go home.

”They’re saying they can’t sacrifice anything as all in full time employment, mortgages to pay etc, can’t take any more time off work.”

Basically they have decided that you ARE the sacrifice they are prepared to make, @cantkeepgoinganymore! I am utterly appalled that they are prepared to see you compromise your university degree and your whole future - especially after you have given years to being your mum’s career already.

Please do NOT give up university. Put the ball back in their court -

”Dear (fecking lazy and selfish) family - I will not be leaving my degree or studying from home. I have done MORE than my share of caring, and now it is your turn to sort things out for mum. You are all competent adults and I am sure you can come up with a solution that doesn’t involve you throwing me, my degree and my future into the trash.”

So all you family with jobs and careers don't want to allow you the same opportunity - to help with that, you have done more than your fair share.

You are also trying to override medical advice - your GP has made it clear that your mum needs professional care than you cannot provide.

It seems like you have ne er once put yourself first before and your family think you are a pushover they can railroad into moving home so they don't have to inconvenience themselves in any way.

Stay there and claim covid if you have to. There are certain situation where lying is appropriate.

So your family get to keep their jobs, mortgages, lives going as they are. Andyet you have to sacrifice everything. What will they do when your mum is no longer here, will they support you due to the lose of your career? Most jobs allow unpaid time off if needed, they need to look into that. Not you jeapordising your entire future. I'm disgusted the family is abusing you. Please, please do not go at all.

Message all family. Tell them you are staying at uni as uni have refused distance learning - blame uni. Tell them you will not be available for calls during the week then block family on your phone and only unblock at weekends. Tell them your only available via email during the week.

Worse comes to worse change your mobile so they only have access to you via email.

If you jack it I to care for her she might not get the help she needs.

Text whoever needs to know that you've realised you have to stay put, then block them. They'll shout and stamp their feet and you won't know about it. You are not their sacrificial goat, this is your chance, take it.

the emotional blackmail is abhorrent.
Just say NO.
It is all you can do.
You need to protect yourself. You have one life. Just one. Your mother, if she was of sound mind, would not want servitude for you. It's heinous.

My younger sister gave up everything to look after my dad. She ended up trying to kill herself (we got her in time).

Seriously please don't go - you have to look after yourself and the family can work something out between them. It's not your responsibility.

I’m about to r same age as your mother and have a daughter at university.

It would destroy me to know she’d given it up to come home. For her sake, too, don’t do it. When she’s well she will be so proud of you.

💐

It reminds me of the programme Naked and Afraid. It's actually a good programme but the naked bit is pointless. They get burnt to shit (dangerous) but aside from that, they blur out the naked bits, so what's the point? They could easily give everyone a plain T shirt and shorts to wear and it would change nothing about the programme but for some reason, no.

Sorry, for some reason it flipped onto this thread from another. That was meant to be for the thread about the outdoor pond. My apologies.

@cantkeepgoinganymore

If it's only for a week, they can each take a couple of days. I really think you e done enough. They will all be entitled to take annual leave or even emergency care leave. Why should it always be you who makes the sacrifices. I think they are all taking advantage of your good nature. It's time to fine your anger and stand up for yourself. You matter too

OP can you not see that your uni course is just as much of a commitment and just as valid a reason you can't provide DM's care as their full time jobs and mortgages? It will disadvantage you every bit as much to lose your chance at uni as it would then to lose their jobs or houses, you need a long term home and a way to earn a living too and uni is your best chance of achieving that. Why are your responsibilities and commitments being viewed as any less important than theirs, and more to the point why are you allowing them to be?

It's often said on here that getting adequate care for sick or elderly relatives requires family to completely step back and make it clear they cannot offer care, basically until you stop doing it they will assume you can manage. So stop, for her sake as much as your own so she can get the care she needs. Don't go in 12 hours, don't 'fill in' for a week (that you know won't be just a week), just stop. It's best for everyone, please believe that.

Honestly, don't even go for a week.

Someone has to force a crisis to get your mum and all her family to accept the care she needs. Don't let that be you having a breakdown.

@Spud1130

It'd be a real shame if you caught could right about now... In all seriousness, by you staying put, your mum is far more likely to get admitted if her care needs aren't being met.

This is true. You would be putting a plaster on a serious wound to your own detriment, when she is more likely to get serious help if things do fall apart.

Please, stay put.

You've posted so much over the years about your mum, sister and nan, and the effect this has had on you. Everyone wants you to do things, and now you are actually having a life of your own, suddenly only you will do. Just keep saying no - its going to be the best long term thing for your mum and for you as well to disentangle yourself from all the expectations placed on you. If you go back now I don't think you'll ever escape

I told GP if family force me to give up uni they’ll be arranging my funeral within months

The family can't "force" you to do anything; of course they'll make excuses for not helping if they believe they can strongarm you, but in the end they can only ask - and you can say no

If you really want to you could say you've looked into the logistics and now see it isn't going to work, but mainly keep in mind that even the GP is telling you not to do this ... and why exactly would you ignore that?

Your mum’s GP is telling you to stay put for 2 very important reasons.
1: it makes it easier for her/him to advocate for your mum to get a bed in residential care.
2: you have told her moving would be extremely detrimental to your own mental health and have implied it would leave you suicidal.

Stay put. Get your degree. Prioritize your own mental health and future. Prioritize your mum getting professional care via residential treatment. Call you mum. Visit your mum when you can. Don’t become her carer. If other family members put pressure on you, tell them what the gp said: it would be best for your mum to have inpatient care right now and you going home would only delay it.