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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn’t feasible at all?

112 replies

cantkeepgoinganymore · 29/01/2022 02:13

Posted a lot over Christmas .

DM, 57, has severe mental health issues . She either needs care at home or more likely, inpatient bed or rehab . Can’t be left alone really as risk too high. She’s not for sectioning but GP says she could do a voluntary admit to hospital .

Mum’s family don’t want that (well, some do), but they can’t support her at home for various reasons.

I’ve been her carer years and years. I’m now studying 150 miles away . If I drop out now that’s uni gone, I’ll never ever get this chance again, all assessments I’ve done would be invalid within a couple of years and I’d not get funding again . Uni said I’d be stupid to pull out now as I’m halfway through third year (4 year total) and getting distinction right through, so obviously something I’m good at … plus I need a career for my future, I need to be able to financially support myself.

I’ve been asked if I can go home and study from a distance . I panicked abs said yes .

I’m now thinking - I can’t .

I have to pay rent on my flat, it’s a 2 year contract that’s very tightly done and if I don’t pay my guarantor will have to (to the tune of £10k) .

Studying from home means I’ve zero access to meeting classmates, lecturers, uni facilities such as library . I’ve 10000 words of assignments due by end April, at least two of which will need me to access the library for resources but ideally all of them .

I’ll be in uni at least 6-8 hours a day, 4 hours a day of which are zoom classes, won’t be able to help mum at all as I’ll be busy .

I’ve also got face to face classes and presentations and clinical skills assessments - family said I could nip down to uni the night before them, and come home straight after - 400 miles of travel in 18 hours at least once a week .

I won’t be able to access GP services as I’m registered near my halls - can’t temporarily register with mum’s surgery as it would be for an indefinite period. I’m waiting on a 2ww for scans for me and possibly a minor op, that I’d obviously have to cancel, and have two non urgent hospital appts too.

Uni, and my mum’s GP have both said several times they think this is a crazy option, Mum’s GP was on phone half an hour pleasing with me to stay out and said she’s trying to get mum an inpatient bed asap .

I’m lying in bed tossing and turning and realising this is a terrible idea, but I don’t know how to say no . I don’t know what to do. I’m travelling up in 12 hours but how do I explain that I can literally only stay a week? Any longer and I’ll have to give in and give up uni . I don’t know what to do .

OP posts:
MistandMud · 29/01/2022 08:10

Why should you give up everything so that they don’t have to give up a week?

I’m about the same age as your mum. I would be appalled if my daughter (or son) were to be put in your position.

It’s easier to take time off from a job or career than in university. The time scales are different. They are expecting the impossible from you instead of the difficult from themselves.

Stay put.

Gizacluethen · 29/01/2022 08:11

Don't go. Not even for a week. Please. You won't leave once you're there. Stay at uni.

FabriqueBelgique · 29/01/2022 08:12

Agree with everyone else!

cptartapp · 29/01/2022 08:18

Ask yourself, without the influence of mental illness what your DM would want you to do. Then do that.
And think long term.
Both point to staying put. Her current quality of life could be you in the future if you choose otherwise. I would be minimising that risk to myself at all costs.

BordelDeMerde · 29/01/2022 08:21

Please listen to everyone and don't go. Send the message @MargosKaftan posted above, then turn your phone off and concentrate on your studies. I know it's really hard, but you have to do this for yourself.

ChoiceMummy · 29/01/2022 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Yorkshirelass04 · 29/01/2022 08:27

@ChoiceMummy

That's not a very nice post. She's not making excuses not to care for her mum. Lots of people go to uni around 30 for many reasons.

Whatapalava67 · 29/01/2022 08:30

Please do not give up your studies OP. And do not even go for a few days as that may well turn into much longer. You have done your bit and now it is time for your relatives to do theirs.
It sounds like the GP is very keen to have your mum admitted which will allow her to access professional care and support. That is the best thing you can do for her.

So sorry that you're family are treating you like this. You need to be strong and look after yourself too. Hope you have the strength to say no and keep saying it. Your studies are no less important than their jobs. In fact, is they are employee they may even be able to apply for carers leave etc which you can't.

ShroomShroom · 29/01/2022 08:31

@ChoiceMummy why can't the OP focus on herself for once? She says she has been her mum's career for years so I would guess that's why she's at uni now not because uni wasn't important to her.

OP has already talked to their uni and if they aren't suggesting a year out then maybe it isn't in the OPs best interests. It also means coming back into a new cohort and that can be very challenging.

Stay at uni OP

ShroomShroom · 29/01/2022 08:32
  • carer not career!
UnsolicitedDickPic · 29/01/2022 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

MadameHeisenberg · 29/01/2022 08:35

@ChoiceMummy

Isn’t your username apt? I’ve reported your post as it’s borderline abusive to an OP who is fragile and being taken advantage of.

You should be throughly ashamed of yourself for that victim-blaming pile of shit you’ve posted.

rookiemere · 29/01/2022 08:39

OP I'm not sure who "Mums family " is but it seems like they haven't included your needs in this scenario.

You moved away for a reason and well done you. As others have said, blame the university but you can't do your course remotely. If it was so important to them, they'd have your DM in their house.

At this point it's her or you. Actually it's not even, sounds like she will be perfectly well looked after in hospital so let that happen.

Text about uni and then no more replies.

MadameHeisenberg · 29/01/2022 08:41

OP you MUST stay at university. We get 1 life and I’m guessing you’re studying later than usual because of caring duties? This is your chance, don’t give it up, you deserve it.

Who the fuck do your family think they are, sacrificing your life so as not to inconvenience themselves? Disgusting behaviour. Start getting angry OP and advocate for yourself because if you don’t, you’ll live to regret it forever.

Your mother is an adult - she is not your responsibility and she’s stolen enough of your life already. It’s your time now.

Etinoxaurus · 29/01/2022 08:42

Stay put my love.
The GP is encouraging you not to step in as your presence is a sticking plaster which is stopping her getting the support she needs, the inpatient bed.
Stay strong Flowers

RememberThePenguins · 29/01/2022 08:47

Stay at university.

If you need more time to build up the courage to tell your family that you won't be coming back, then tell them you've tested positive for Covid and need to isolate etc. Take those days to then really think about what giving up will mean and how you can communicate with the rest of the family.

I work for Adult Social Services. Your Mum has a much better chance of getting a placement if no one is available at home to care for her. So think of your refusal as actually putting her needs first.

Everyoneisawossname · 29/01/2022 08:50

Stay at Uni. You deserve this opportunity to get a good qualification and career for yourself.

catfunk · 29/01/2022 08:53

Oops you've just had a positive LFT.

Calmdown14 · 29/01/2022 08:59

You need to force the crisis here
While you look after her, she's not a priority.
But you know this isn't a long term option. If you go now, you'll mess up uni and your life but the caring responsibility is too much for anyone so you'll end up at the exact same point a few months down the line.
By then it will have taken a huge toll on both of you.

You have covid. You can't go....... keep repeating it.

Do you really think your mum would want you to sacrifice this for you if she were in a normal state of mind?

Calmdown14 · 29/01/2022 09:03

And as you mention clinical skills, your course sounds like you'll be helping many others in the future.
Time to think big picture. Once you say no you'll feel better. You already know, you just have to find the courage to say it out loud and that will be easier from distance

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2022 09:09

Your family had no qualms allowing you to care for your mum as a child. It is their turn. They don’t want to lose their job and their future. You don’t want to lose your place at university and your future. If anything, there is more at stake for you as your family member is already established, whereas this is your one opportunity.

Please please do not return. The GP is fighting to get your mum cared for properly, which should have happened some time ago by the sound of it. They know what they’re talking about. And as has been mentioned, withdrawing support is the only way to get the level of care required.

You are doing this so your mum can get better care than you can provide. If you return, your family will not care if you sacrifice your entire life so that they don’t have to. And it doesn’t sound as if they care much for what happens to your mum either.

Do not sacrifice yourself or your mum on this altar.

Rangoon · 29/01/2022 09:11

In this world you have to look after yourself. Your selfish family want you condemned to a life of poverty because they are not prepared to give up jobs or houses or anything else. You have done your duty. Please stay at university and prioritise your future. Your family are mind blowingly selfish and manipulative. I would have nothing further to do with them. They just want you doing everything on £62 so they don't have to give up anything. If your mother is admitted she is more likely to get the help she needs because you are not a mental health professional. I feel very strongly that parents should never expect their children to sacrifice their youth and prospects of happiness to care for a parent and I say that as a mother. I would never ask this of my children. Tell them you have covid and are too ill to speak if you think you will be susceptible to their emotional blackmail. I'd cut the lot of them off if it were me.

UnsolicitedDickPic · 29/01/2022 09:16

OP you can't give the care your DM needs, however much you want to - and your GP is telling you that you need to put yourself first. The rest of your family are sacrificing your life to save their own. Stay at university. Thanks

lordloveadog · 29/01/2022 09:20

Do not go back short-term or long-term.

No is a full sentence.

lordloveadog · 29/01/2022 09:25

You know daughters used really often to be sacrificed to look after older or ill relatives, right?

'I would have liked a career but I had to look after my father'

'I had a secretarial job in London for a year but then mother fell ill'

Three generations ago that was the fate of tens of thousands of young women. That's partly why we have the NHS - so that patients can be cared for by professionals and their female relatives can live their own lives.

Don't go back in time. Don't go back to help your selfish family. Your mum needs professional care, not your sacrifice.