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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Petty pils, didn't wait for us, then moaned about fils old tux

559 replies

Hisanimalgrace · 28/01/2022 21:20

Going to an event, we were massively delayed in traffic getting to pils .They couldn't wait for us.
So when we arrived they were leaving and mil clocked our friend in pils old tux which dh had leant him, an old 80s thing.??

Dh served us done drinks by which point fil was calling dh saying if we didn't leave immediately we wouldn't get a space in the car park! When we got to the car park it was half empty.
Mil then questioned dh about the tux friend wearing as she felt it was actually fils old one and that was for dh not to give away.

OP posts:
VivX · 29/01/2022 10:21

So, the pre drinks with the PIL were supposedly going to be the best bit of the might for you..? so you thought you'd stubbornly stick to that, even though you were late and missed the pre-drinks time and PIL were clearly not willing to have pre-drinks with you at that point because you were unavoidably late.

YABU, rude and petty.

MIL was clearly being polite about offering a drink - she probably thought you would decline and get going to the ticketed event, like most people would.

Read the room: clearly PILs were not in agreement with you that the pre-drinks were not the most important part of the night, as they were heading off.

You also brought a friend who is inexplicably (and unexpectedly to PIL) wearing FIL's tux and the three of you wanted to be left "in peace" to enjoy pre-drinks with the PILs who weren't actually there, in PILs' house. That's not MIL's lack of trust or pettiness - that's your bizarre unreasonableness.

I don't think MIL was as bothered as you think about the tux. She probably thought it surprising that you'd brought a friend to family pre-drinks and to top it off he's wearing an ill-fitting old tux of her husband's from the 1980s... May be she was thinking, quite understandably, why didn't your friend didn't hire a tux from the 21st century that actually fitted him.

C8H10N4O2 · 29/01/2022 10:22

I've been on mn for about 15 years and in that time I've started and posted on probably thousands of threads

I think the best advice anyone here can give you is to make this a single use name chance.

Gazelda · 29/01/2022 10:25

OP, using your example, was this a show or a match or something?

How soon after you eventually arrived did the event start?
Did PIL pay for your tickets?
Where was the tux at the point you arrived at PIL's house?
Are you often late for events/appointments/activities?

Perhaps they figured that as you had been unable to anticipate the travel time from your house to theirs, they'd kindly give you a heads up that it would be wise to leave their home asap in order to arrive at then venue in good time.

But in any case, all you seem able to accuse them off pettiness on is that that called you from the event to get you to hurry up in leaving their home. I don't think that's petty.

Ponoka7 · 29/01/2022 10:25

It wasn't a matter of trusting you in their house, they didn't trust you to leave to see the start of the event. You were either going or not, as said the window for drinks had passed. I think that your DH should have mentioned the tux at least the day before. I don't see why you didn't just get to the event then chat. It's like you've wanted them to run on your time, whether late or not.

Ponoka7 · 29/01/2022 10:27

"Perhaps they figured that as you had been unable to anticipate the travel time from your house to theirs, they'd kindly give you a heads up that it would be wise to leave their home asap in order to arrive at then venue in good time."

My son in law used to allow for a 15 minute drive, wherever he was going. It was infuriating. We stopped travelling with them, gave them their own tickets and left them to it. It was only when they started to miss out on things, they changed.

HarrysChild · 29/01/2022 10:30

For the millionth time - when did friend get the tux? Did you take it from PIL house?

Original poster
Hisanimalgrace · 29/01/2022 10:34

@Norgie

There are a few things I'd like to say to you but I'm holding back.
If I was writing fiction id like to think I could come up with something a little more exciting than this. For goodness sake.

The friend was already wearing the outdated, 80s baggy trousered, long jacketed horrid un tasteful dj that I imagine would be hard to shift even in a charity shop.

OP posts:
Isntisironic1 · 29/01/2022 10:35

[quote Hisanimalgrace]@Norgie

There are a few things I'd like to say to you but I'm holding back.
If I was writing fiction id like to think I could come up with something a little more exciting than this. For goodness sake.

The friend was already wearing the outdated, 80s baggy trousered, long jacketed horrid un tasteful dj that I imagine would be hard to shift even in a charity shop.[/quote]
If the tux was that horrible why was your friend wearing it?

PossiblyDreaming · 29/01/2022 10:35

If it was an concert or a show (which I’m guessing it was due to them having a box and you being seated far away) then surely you can’t just turn up whenever you like. You have to turn up when it starts or you won’t be allowed in/ will inconvenience everyone in your area by getting them to shuffle about while you clamber in. I’m not surprised your pil’s were pissed off. They were either expecting you to turn up late which would’ve ruined it for you (and/or possibly others seated around you) or for you to miss it altogether and spend the evening boozing at their house instead, which I don’t think many people would feel comfortable about.

Bananarama21 · 29/01/2022 10:35

Your poor inlaws.

TokyoDreaming · 29/01/2022 10:38

I don't understand why when you were already running late that you thought it was appropriate to stop for a drink?

merrymouse · 29/01/2022 10:40

The friend was already wearing the outdated, 80s baggy trousered, long jacketed horrid un tasteful dj that I imagine would be hard to shift even in a charity shop.

So why was he wearing it?

I would guess that either it still held value for your PIL, or if it was that bad, they were wondering why he hadn’t found something else to wear.

AFS1 · 29/01/2022 10:41

Out of interest, who bought the tickets?

usrbingrl · 29/01/2022 10:46

i think you are very insecure when it comes to your ILs and that clouds every interaction you have with them.

Original poster
Hisanimalgrace · 29/01/2022 10:46

Ie we didn't raid pils wardrobe, we didn't turn up half sozzled in their clothes, we didn't raid anything.
We used amenities, straightened ourselves out, took a breath to compose ourselves, tried to have a relaxing drink, which was ruined by endless phone calls lying about a car park.

They didn't trust dh there in his own family joke for a very short while. That's the crux of it. I think mil was simultaneously snobby and jealous of dh friend as well hence the bothering to mention the rags he was wearing.
I can't make it clearer.

I don't mind conceding usually in aibu but only a few posters have actually given a decent reason as to why they panicked and yes even though they are mid 60s maybe they are of the older mindset?Or extremely anxious frightened people (of their own son).

OP posts:
Norgie · 29/01/2022 10:49

🤣 she's off again.

Original poster
Hisanimalgrace · 29/01/2022 10:49

Desperation there was no other tux?? He didn't care.

I'm also amazed that so many people don't feel flustered after being stuck in traffic Confused and are happy to walk straight into and do without checking hair, make up, loo etc

OP posts:
lunar1 · 29/01/2022 10:49

How did you and DH get the tux to give it to the friend.

Thank you to the poster who connected this to the making eyes at the champagne post, the style is bizarrely identical! If it's not you OP, I suggest you find the thread and get to know them. You'd be great friends.

merrymouse · 29/01/2022 10:50

tried to have a relaxing drink, which was ruined by endless phone calls lying about a car park.

Ruined?

You were sitting in your PILs house drinking their drink, but it was ‘ruined’ because they had the temerity to be concerned that you might be late (why would they possibly think that???) and not be able to park?

Doomscrolling · 29/01/2022 10:51

I don't mind conceding usually in aibu but only a few posters have actually given a decent reason as to why they panicked and yes even though they are mid 60s maybe they are of the older mindset?

Or they are normal sane people who make arrangements, expect them to happen in time, and when they don’t, change the plans to accommodate the lack of time. And certainly don’t expect people to hang around drinking their booze while they aren’t even there.

I’m not sure whether you’re rude or obtuse. Polite people don’t act the way you do.

DePfeffoff · 29/01/2022 10:52

@Hisanimalgrace

I don't know what champagne lady is.

There was no champagne, just normal drinks, g and t, wine, beer.

If my adult dc turned up flustered needing the loo, I wouldn't want to Marshall them in my house. If I couldn't trust them to be in what I would still consider the family home then I've done an appalling job as a parent.

How come you were so desperate for the loo having left your own house less than an hour beforehand?

If I'd arrived that late when the intention was to go on to an event, I would simply suggest we carry straight on - after all, if the traffic's that bad you couldn't guarantee getting to the event on time. In fact, the chances are that I would have phoned ahead and arranged to go straight to the venue. I certainly wouldn't expect to doss around in the other people's house drinking.

Original poster
Hisanimalgrace · 29/01/2022 10:52
  • family home but I do think that's a joke.

I can't clarify any more really it's going around in circles. Yes maybe pils did wonder why we wanted to sit a while when drinks were supposed to be with them. But they could have stayed. They didn't want to

I understand that part but it's not like we turned up on time and said "thanks for laying out drinks, you go on ahead we will catch you up "!!!!!!

OP posts:
BABAHOTEL · 29/01/2022 10:52

[quote Hisanimalgrace]@Norgie

There are a few things I'd like to say to you but I'm holding back.
If I was writing fiction id like to think I could come up with something a little more exciting than this. For goodness sake.

The friend was already wearing the outdated, 80s baggy trousered, long jacketed horrid un tasteful dj that I imagine would be hard to shift even in a charity shop.[/quote]
Why hadn't you just disposed of the tux if it was that bad? Discreetly.

merrymouse · 29/01/2022 10:53

Or extremely anxious frightened people (of their own son).

They aren’t the ones starting a thread on Mumsnet.

DePfeffoff · 29/01/2022 10:56

With the caveat, no drug's addiction issues and so on, who does anyone think they are raising if they couldn't relax outside the home with their own adult child in it, for half an hour confused it's the lack of trust.

Why do you assume they felt they couldn't trust you? All that happened was that they were nagging you to get going. With a big event, it's reasonable to believe that the car park is going to fill up quickly, and they were probably stressed because you were so late getting to theirs and weren't showing any urgency in moving on to the venue.

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