Ride to hospital

[milano1mum]

First ever post. Please be gentle. I have 2 children with chronic health conditions. . Their health condition has dominated the last 5 years of our lives , we have moved countries to access better health care and ongoing surgeries have really effected everyone's lives including our middle child. My child may be having re-occurrence of the disease and needs an MRI asap. We can have the MRI on Tuesday but need to travel 7 hours to another country to go back to the same surgeon. I cannot drive .My husband does not want to drive us there as this will take the entire weekend and he has ski-ng planned with the middle child. I do not want to take the train as the whole event is already very stressful and taking the train could expose us to covid which means if the child needs surgery we may not be able to be admitted. I want him to drive us even though it sucks for him. AIBU?

@sanbeiji

Also how is it possible for the entire thing to take 6 days - don't either of you have jobs?

Just wondering if it's 'only' the skiing tha't's the issue

sanbeiji

Gosh I didn't expect to be questioned on my career when asking a question about logistics and my unreasonableness.

As you asked in the name of educating those who (presumably ) don't have children with chronic illness or disability here goes.

Yes we work .

My/our career has been constantly de railed and sidelined due to my/ our need to take our children to appointments. I had to give up my Phd study and have been on carers allowance and part time employment.

Even part time employment became difficult with 2 chronically ill disabled children. I have used every but of parental leave possible but being employed became unsustainable and constant questioning from HR . I became self employed . I now extremely successful and earn significantly but most importantly i have flexible hours.

We landed a large contract in another country that allows us to pay for private healthcare for our children with one of the top specialists in the world. The money means if my child demonstrates symptoms on Thursday I can get them treatment on Tuesday. In the UK my mental health was destroyed obtaining treatment for them on the NHS- be grateful you don't know the level of work involved securing medical help if your child has an obscure medical condition.

So we have designed our lives to make it possible to support our children while earning good money. That meant I had to leave all my friends and somewhat toxic family.

You are right . Sking isn't the 'only' issue middle child is also autistic. . Thanks for you insight, didn't mention it as thought it might distract from the question about the car or the train.

@DFWM

I can understand how stressed you must be feeling, but I'm usually exhausted after a 4 hour journey nevermind 7 hours there then 7 hours back times 2! Driving is mentally exhausting if you are doing it right and being constantly aware of your surroundings. Because of being a driver and understanding how tiring long journeys can be, I wouldn't ask anyone to do such a long journey myself. Yes, it's his child and it's an important appointment, but it's also important that he isn't driving utterly exhausted and being at risk of an accident.

If it was me, I would catch the train there and then if your child needs surgery, get him to come and collect you but so that say he travels on the Wednesday, stays over for a good rest, then drives you all home the Thursday.

Hope everything goes well OP!

Thank you. You make really good points. Writing this all down has made me realise the issue isn't the driving , I don't want to travel alone with stressed kids across borders , when uncertain covid requirements (green pass situation is unclear for my under 12 year old) but l need to lean in.

@melj1213

7 hours by car for husband to take us (tommorrow) , then he has to return 7 hours to work by Sunday night.

So you want your husband to spend his weekend doing 14hrs driving, then go to work to then do the same again midweek? I don't drive any more but just the thought of doing multiple 7hr journeys over the course of consecutive days is making me feel exhausted.

yes. it is my weekend too. It is pretty exhausting waiting in hospital for entire days having various tests trying to understand what crappy thing has happened now. It makes me feel pretty exhausted too.

What does your DH suggest that you do, OP?

It sounds like this trip isn’t going to be a one off. It also sounds like both OP and husband earn very well. Therefore it doesn’t make sense to have both adults going with one spending 4 days driving 7 hours a day including several work days, particularly if this is going to be reoccurring. So worth considering not just how you would do it this time but how you would do it going forward.

If you decide on a train N95 masks are very good at protecting the wearer when properly fitted.

It's Saturday now -- I hope OP tells us what happened. She could be getting driven up there now.

Don't think the thread has been harsh on OP -- people are just fact-finding after OP asked for advice.

Parenting is a marathon normally never mind when any kids have high stakes, unusual needs. I would want the policy to try to keep life as unpredictable and "normal" for all the family, as much as possible. That would mean that a prior commitment like fun day out skiing kid+parent should still happen as long as decent alternatives are possible re the transport.

So that policy would mean here that OP travels up by train & waits to see if she'd massively prefer her DH to drive up & back or return by train would be ok, after all.

I guess OP must have a nanny to mind the middle kid since I don't think OP has said middle kid would have to travel 28 hours & stay 3 nights away from home, too.

Nanny! Ha , that would be nice . In Germany now , thanks to all for useful perspectives .

What did everyone do in the end op?

Hope all goes well OP. Apologies if I've been a bit too harsh. It's good that money is not an issue, makes it a bit easier and you can get a car + driver.