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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ride to hospital

109 replies

milano1mum · 28/01/2022 19:32

First ever post. Please be gentle. I have 2 children with chronic health conditions. . Their health condition has dominated the last 5 years of our lives , we have moved countries to access better health care and ongoing surgeries have really effected everyone's lives including our middle child. My child may be having re-occurrence of the disease and needs an MRI asap. We can have the MRI on Tuesday but need to travel 7 hours to another country to go back to the same surgeon. I cannot drive .My husband does not want to drive us there as this will take the entire weekend and he has ski-ng planned with the middle child. I do not want to take the train as the whole event is already very stressful and taking the train could expose us to covid which means if the child needs surgery we may not be able to be admitted. I want him to drive us even though it sucks for him. AIBU?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 28/01/2022 19:58

Actually if the mri isn't till Tuesday why will it take the entire weekend to get there, sat, sun, Monday and then MRI on Tue, so you will take Tues, Weds, Thurs to get home?!

LIZS · 28/01/2022 19:58

@MichelleScarn

So you don't want to drive to take middle child skiing but happy for them to drive 3 hrs themselves?
I assumed friends would be taking him, but presumably you have not known them long either.
EmpressCixi · 28/01/2022 19:58

On re-Reading have no idea why you cannot have MRI done locally and results emailed to the surgeon in the “other country” that is 7 hrs away? Surgeons don’t do MRIs?

Can you not split up? You go to medical appt as you hate skiing anyway and DC goes with DH for skiing?

EmpressCixi · 28/01/2022 19:59

@MichelleScarn

Actually if the mri isn't till Tuesday why will it take the entire weekend to get there, sat, sun, Monday and then MRI on Tue, so you will take Tues, Weds, Thurs to get home?!
Exactly what I’m wondering too...if it’s 3 nights in hotel each way...that is far more Covid risk than one day on a train.....
Blueeilidh · 28/01/2022 20:07

I have a child who could at any point require an MRI followed by emergency surgery, so without a doubt driving to the MRI has to take priority. It sticks for the sibling but unavoidable.

LIZS · 28/01/2022 20:14

Is flying an option?

Original poster
milano1mum · 28/01/2022 20:23

@Blueeilidh

I have a child who could at any point require an MRI followed by emergency surgery, so without a doubt driving to the MRI has to take priority. It sticks for the sibling but unavoidable.
Thanks Blueilidh. We have found a brilliant surgeon and just hope it isn't back- emergency MRI to check first for reoccurrence surgery if needed, It really does suck for the sibling .And us.
OP posts:
Original poster
milano1mum · 28/01/2022 20:24

@LIZS

Is flying an option?
Not an option due to nature of disease.
OP posts:
MananaTomorrow · 28/01/2022 20:28

@Blueeilidh

I have a child who could at any point require an MRI followed by emergency surgery, so without a doubt driving to the MRI has to take priority. It sticks for the sibling but unavoidable.
I agree there. Also I get it’s crap for the middle child who have seen their life turned upside down.

But they can go skiing with their friends. They can go the following weekend with dad.
Unfortunately for them, MRI should take the priority.

Darbs76 · 28/01/2022 20:44

My best friend was side lined a lot in childhood as her brother sadly died when she was 14 and had spent a lot of time in hospital / appointments. When she was a child / teen it did bother her and I remember all our conversations. But once she was an adult she totally understood why and holds no ill feeling. It’s tough but I guess options are can the MRI scan be moved? Will a week for example make a difference? If the answer to that is no then sadly I’d moved the ski-ing.

EmpressCixi · 28/01/2022 21:13

But why can’t the MRI be done locally? Then email results to surgeon and travel if surgery is necessary? And why is train not suitable due to Covid risk when driving + needed hotels actually results in higher Covid risk?

I feel you have your mind made up but really driving sat-sun-mon to an MRI machine isn’t the best way from the information you’ve given

MichelleScarn · 28/01/2022 21:19

Is it a private surgeon as I can't see why one is keen to do one and offer treatment to non resident of the country?

HomeHomeInTheRange · 28/01/2022 21:28

Really sorry you have this worry OP.

In truth, I think I would take the train with or without the skiing.

7 hours is a long drive… would the middle child have to make the car journey too? Trains are a more comfortable way to travel. IMO.

MichelleScarn · 28/01/2022 21:35

Will all 3 children have to go? Is there anywhere near the hospital you're going to for MRI that dh and middle dc could go skiing over the days that they are there, or have I picked up wrong re sat-tues time it's taking you to get there?

SD1978 · 28/01/2022 21:46

Sorry you're in this situation- but the country you moved 7 hours drive to be in has better medical care- so why can't the MRI be done there? Why move if this will always be the situation of needing to drive back? A hip surgery won't be done that day- any chance at all of changing the appointment day? One or two days surely won't make a difference, unlike the neuro concerns? I kinda see both sides- it must be tough being the kid who is always let down, as well as being tough being the kid who has a chronic condition. Why must the skiiing be done that day? Can they go a day earlier? Can you get medical care in the better country you moved to?

Blueeilidh · 28/01/2022 21:54

"It really does suck for the sibling .And us. "

When someone in the family has a serious illness, it affects everyone in the family. It's really hard and there is no escaping that. All you can do is try to make it up to middle child at another time.

SockFluffInTheBath · 28/01/2022 21:55

Taxi?

melj1213 · 28/01/2022 22:03

I do think YABU, you have a choice of getting the train or being driven, but only one will mean your middle child's plans have to be cancelled. I think if there is an option where you can travel with the ill children (whether or not you like it) and your DH can take the other child to their planned trip then you should take it.

Not quite the same but one of my brothers was a schoolboy athlete - he was constantly at training sessions, competitions, trials etc - and me and my siblings always had to work around his training and competition schedules. As a child I really resented that everything had to be dropped for my brother and I never got to take priority, it was always my or my other siblings plans that would get cancelled if there was a clash between our event and my DBro's. Just once I wished that my parents would prioritise me over my brother but it never happened. As an adult I can see how hard it was for them to try and balance us all but as a child I just felt second best and always overlooked. Please don't do that to your middle child.

We can have the MRI on Tuesday but need to travel 7 hours to another country to go back to the same surgeon. My husband does not want to drive us there as this will take the entire weekend and he has ski-ng planned with the middle child.

OP can you clarify this please?

You say the MRI is on Tuesday and the skiing is at the weekend so why would they impact each other? Are you planning to drive the 7hrs over multiple days - Sat/Sun/Mon - which surely would require staying in hotels which are just as much of a covid risk as a 7hr train?

Also, why can't you have the MRI locally, the results sent to the surgeon and then only travel if surgery/physical examination by the surgeon is required?

I know you are abroad so a different system but I am under the care of a consultant in a different NHS Trust as there is no specialist provision in my area, but they are 4hrs away. If I need to have tests my consultant will always try and arrange for me to have them at my local hospital where possible to save unnecessary travel.

Toomanypeople · 28/01/2022 22:32

I would avoid driving for 14 hour round trip if I could get a train. I also don't understand why the MRI can't be done locally though

lljkk · 28/01/2022 22:32

OP must be getting private treatment if she goes to another country to get it (only part of this story I follow).

"we have moved countries to access better health care"
&
"need to travel 7 hours to another country to go back to the same surgeon. "

So OP moved countries to access better health care but wants to drive 7 hours back to the old country to get same surgeon for... inferior health care? As usual, I'm not following.

MichelleScarn · 28/01/2022 22:37

I just don't get why middle child and dh ski day-which is a weekend, has to be cancelled for an appt which is on the Tuesday?

Original poster
milano1mum · 28/01/2022 22:40

@melj1213

I do think YABU, you have a choice of getting the train or being driven, but only one will mean your middle child's plans have to be cancelled. I think if there is an option where you can travel with the ill children (whether or not you like it) and your DH can take the other child to their planned trip then you should take it.

Not quite the same but one of my brothers was a schoolboy athlete - he was constantly at training sessions, competitions, trials etc - and me and my siblings always had to work around his training and competition schedules. As a child I really resented that everything had to be dropped for my brother and I never got to take priority, it was always my or my other siblings plans that would get cancelled if there was a clash between our event and my DBro's. Just once I wished that my parents would prioritise me over my brother but it never happened. As an adult I can see how hard it was for them to try and balance us all but as a child I just felt second best and always overlooked. Please don't do that to your middle child.

We can have the MRI on Tuesday but need to travel 7 hours to another country to go back to the same surgeon. My husband does not want to drive us there as this will take the entire weekend and he has ski-ng planned with the middle child.

OP can you clarify this please?

You say the MRI is on Tuesday and the skiing is at the weekend so why would they impact each other? Are you planning to drive the 7hrs over multiple days - Sat/Sun/Mon - which surely would require staying in hotels which are just as much of a covid risk as a 7hr train?

Also, why can't you have the MRI locally, the results sent to the surgeon and then only travel if surgery/physical examination by the surgeon is required?

I know you are abroad so a different system but I am under the care of a consultant in a different NHS Trust as there is no specialist provision in my area, but they are 4hrs away. If I need to have tests my consultant will always try and arrange for me to have them at my local hospital where possible to save unnecessary travel.

Thanks for answering with a YABU that is what I wanted from the thread , opinions about the train/car scenario.

I am not going to go into the intricacies of why we can't have a MRI locally i, that was not the advice I was seeking.

You are lucky with your consultant- even when we lived in the UK it was a 4 hour ride to an MRI

OP posts:
Original poster
milano1mum · 28/01/2022 22:43

@Toomanypeople

I would avoid driving for 14 hour round trip if I could get a train. I also don't understand why the MRI can't be done locally though
Thanks . Think I need a little perspective tonight- tensions running high, not keen to travel with 2 kids on the train and we will need to stay in hotels anyway unless we are admitted .

Be grateful you don't understand being so far down the round of a dreadful illness you are travelling across borders to access the last ,best care, best chance for your child.UK doctors have already stated we are out of options.

OP posts:
Theluggage15 · 28/01/2022 22:44

How over complicated. Have the MRI locally, why do you need to travel so in advance and why say you’ve moved for better healthcare when you have to travel so far now?

Original poster
milano1mum · 28/01/2022 22:44

@MichelleScarn

Actually if the mri isn't till Tuesday why will it take the entire weekend to get there, sat, sun, Monday and then MRI on Tue, so you will take Tues, Weds, Thurs to get home?!
Yup. Bonkers .
OP posts: