Ride to hospital

[milano1mum]

First ever post. Please be gentle. I have 2 children with chronic health conditions. . Their health condition has dominated the last 5 years of our lives , we have moved countries to access better health care and ongoing surgeries have really effected everyone's lives including our middle child. My child may be having re-occurrence of the disease and needs an MRI asap. We can have the MRI on Tuesday but need to travel 7 hours to another country to go back to the same surgeon. I cannot drive .My husband does not want to drive us there as this will take the entire weekend and he has ski-ng planned with the middle child. I do not want to take the train as the whole event is already very stressful and taking the train could expose us to covid which means if the child needs surgery we may not be able to be admitted. I want him to drive us even though it sucks for him. AIBU?

Are you paying privately for mri? Just thinking if so, with the added cost of 28hrs driving 3/4 nights in a hotel plus living costs for you and 3 kids (as am assuming middle child being left at home re the comments re happy to let them go ski on their own) you could find mri nearer than 7hrs away?

OP it would really help if you could give us the actual situation. You very clearly believe you are right, and may well be, but you aren’t giving a clear clinical picture. We can’t make any analysis on the information we have.

It does, however sound like your DH wants to have this weekend of fun with the other sibling which is kind of understandable from an outside perspective. Bu we don’t know enough detail to comment in my opinion.

Anyway it sounds really hard so good luck.

@AddingMustard

I can see both sides tbh. Especially if your other child has been looking forwards to this for a long time. Driving for 14 hours is exhausting and presumably your other child will have to come too. What about a long distance taxi service, or first class train?

This. Tbh I think train and taxi at the station is much much more preferable to hours in a car.

@SportsMother

Presumably the family are trying to balance being able to work and earn with being able to access care and speak the language.

My suggestions oP, would be train in first class or hire a car plus driver on Tuesday.

I think car plus driver is the way. Thank you. My brain is muddled. Chronic health stuff with kids has that effect.

@MatildaTheCat

OP it would really help if you could give us the actual situation. You very clearly believe you are right, and may well be, but you aren’t giving a clear clinical picture. We can’t make any analysis on the information we have.

It does, however sound like your DH wants to have this weekend of fun with the other sibling which is kind of understandable from an outside perspective. Bu we don’t know enough detail to comment in my opinion.

Anyway it sounds really hard so good luck.

Thanks - outside perspective is helpful

I get what the OP means.

She lives in Milan but for whatever reason none of us understand (nor do we need to), these children need to visit X surgeon in a country next to Italy (I'm assuming Switzerland or Austria).

Why the OP lives in Italy when X surgeon is in a different country, only she can explain, but I'm guessing it's something that will take a while. But I do know of other families from country A, based in country B but actually having to be in country C regularly for overly complicated reasons.

It could be that there are legal residence issues, financial reasons, health reasons why living in the same country as surgeon X isn't doable. Let's stop struggling to understand the situation OP describes.

OP, given your last updates I would get the train if that's an option the vertigo-prone child would tolerate. Unless your husband is needed there for moral support, although I assume it's mostly the driving that he'd be doing, if he must be back in between for work. As far as I know, both Italy and the neighbouring countries have very strict mask and Covid pass rules for access to public transport, so I would hope the risk of contracting Covid during your journey is minimal. Can you request to be seated in a quieter car on the train, so you come into contact with as few people as possible?

There are some difficult, almost impossible situations which means families have to uproot themselves and go wherever they need to go so their children have a chance. It's something many people can't fathom, or couldn't even consider if they were in that position themselves. But let's not judge or try to tell the OP that what she's doing makes no sense. It's probably the only option that makes sense for her family.

@milano1mum

Sorry many of us don't understand the logistics especially traveling cross border, Europe is fairly densely populated and thus lots of hospitals, perhaps if you explained why the hospital where you live isn't suitable you wouldn't get so many "have it locally" responses. Then you said 4 hours in the U.K. ... unless you lived on an island eg the Shetlands or very remotely in wales for instance it's always closer to an mri machine here, my dd has had a few and Dp's dd lots (complex syndrome with seizures) telemedicine really helped them access specialists without tricky travel

@MichelleScarn

Are you paying privately for mri? Just thinking if so, with the added cost of 28hrs driving 3/4 nights in a hotel plus living costs for you and 3 kids (as am assuming middle child being left at home re the comments re happy to let them go ski on their own) you could find mri nearer than 7hrs away?

Yup but all MRI's aren't equal. Sadly it takes lots of horrible experiences to find out every surgeon prefers to work with certain radiographers. Add in a few confusing titanium implants and it is crucial the same radiographer tracks the growth of the entity.

So you moved for better healthcare but your child had surgery I’m guessing in another country and the surgeon is still there? If it’s a life long condition then I’d be moving back at whatever cost. Your family don’t need this amount of stress every time he needs a scan or surgery it isn’t fair.

Hope your children are ok and this is a false alarm OP.

Could you pay someone else to drive you? How are you going to get home after the appointments if DH will already have gone back to Milan?

@EileenGC

I get what the OP means.

She lives in Milan but for whatever reason none of us understand (nor do we need to), these children need to visit X surgeon in a country next to Italy (I'm assuming Switzerland or Austria).

Why the OP lives in Italy when X surgeon is in a different country, only she can explain, but I'm guessing it's something that will take a while. But I do know of other families from country A, based in country B but actually having to be in country C regularly for overly complicated reasons.

It could be that there are legal residence issues, financial reasons, health reasons why living in the same country as surgeon X isn't doable. Let's stop struggling to understand the situation OP describes.

OP, given your last updates I would get the train if that's an option the vertigo-prone child would tolerate. Unless your husband is needed there for moral support, although I assume it's mostly the driving that he'd be doing, if he must be back in between for work. As far as I know, both Italy and the neighbouring countries have very strict mask and Covid pass rules for access to public transport, so I would hope the risk of contracting Covid during your journey is minimal. Can you request to be seated in a quieter car on the train, so you come into contact with as few people as possible?

There are some difficult, almost impossible situations which means families have to uproot themselves and go wherever they need to go so their children have a chance. It's something many people can't fathom, or couldn't even consider if they were in that position themselves. But let's not judge or try to tell the OP that what she's doing makes no sense. It's probably the only option that makes sense for her family.

It means a lot to be heard. Thank you. I think I am loosing on him about the driving as I am so stressed that we are right back at the begginnng.Train or driver it is .

@MichelleScarn

Are you paying privately for mri? Just thinking if so, with the added cost of 28hrs driving 3/4 nights in a hotel plus living costs for you and 3 kids (as am assuming middle child being left at home re the comments re happy to let them go ski on their own) you could find mri nearer than 7hrs away?

I hadn't even thought about the cost side but this is true - even with private health care surely a private MRI would cost less than the combined cost of petrol for the 28hr driving (14 hr round trip there and 14 back) + hotel for 3 days + food/expenses.

@Whitelight22

Hope your children are ok and this is a false alarm OP.

Me too

If it was me, I would hire a car and a driver. There will be websites in your country where you can put the specification of the job out and people can bid for it and you choose the one you are happy with.

That sounds like the most painless idea. Honestly If I lived there I would drive you myself. It sounds very hard for you. I hope you get the best possible outcome.

Me too OP, wishing you all the best for the upcoming week. I cannot imagine how difficult the whole situation is but you are doing what is best for your children and everybody in your family sounds like a real fighter

Op I have no advice. I just wanted to say my thoughts are with you and your family. You all have a lot to cope with. You may not feel like it but you are doing amazing trying to take every one's feelings into account. I am thinking of you all and hoping you can make something work for Tuesday.

Sending you positive vibes too, OP. Take care

There are a lot of hospitals in Milan.

This is clearly an incredibly stressful situation for you @milano1mum, I hope the scan goes well and your DC is ok.

FWIW I think the car and driver is worth looking into.

There are some awful messages on HERE. OP does not need need to give a full description of her child's medical history.

OP I totally get where you coming from from. Do previous posters realise that there are different types of MRI scans and the reason any one type of MRI scan may be needed could prevent them from going local. There could be different reasons why one scanner isn't suitable for particular patient i.e. what implants the patient may have? It isn't always as easy as get a local one and send there results to the surgeon.

OP, I hope all goes well and you manage to get there and back home unstressed and with good news.

With your update- if one child is admitted- does the hospital allow you to have the other child there, in the hospital if not a patient? If not, then I don't see how your husband has any choice but to come, to take that child and the other child back home?

I can understand how stressed you must be feeling, but I'm usually exhausted after a 4 hour journey nevermind 7 hours there then 7 hours back times 2! Driving is mentally exhausting if you are doing it right and being constantly aware of your surroundings. Because of being a driver and understanding how tiring long journeys can be, I wouldn't ask anyone to do such a long journey myself. Yes, it's his child and it's an important appointment, but it's also important that he isn't driving utterly exhausted and being at risk of an accident.

If it was me, I would catch the train there and then if your child needs surgery, get him to come and collect you but so that say he travels on the Wednesday, stays over for a good rest, then drives you all home the Thursday.

Hope everything goes well OP!