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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Come and tell me this is a really BAD idea and I should really NOT do it.

80 replies

DitheringDebbie · 28/01/2022 19:15

So my mother has refused to speak to me for nearly 10 years. Changed her number, moved house, ignored emails.

I now have her mobile number.

I really want to contact her and see if she will talk to me. Over the last few years I have worried that she was dead and the thought of her dying before we make peace terrifies me.

She was very abusive, neglectful, a horrible mother, and caused me great harm but she’s my mum and I can’t turn off my feelings for her which are a mixture of love/ hate/sadness etc. I have not found being NC helpful and it certainly hasn’t taken the pain away.

I know full well she doesn’t care about me at all but I need to make peace for my own peace IUKWIM.

AIBU?

OP posts:
FinallyFree2022 · 28/01/2022 19:16

Don't.
You won't get the response you want.

Whitelight22 · 28/01/2022 19:17

I would also say don't do it. 10 years is a really long time and if you know it is unlikely to be a happy outcome it could definitely do you more harm than good.

Merryoldgoat · 28/01/2022 19:18

What counselling have you had to help you heal OP?

I would think having freedom from an abusive mother would be wonderful and the fact you are still chasing a relationship says to me you need help to process the mistreatment you’ve suffered.

draramallama · 28/01/2022 19:22

You won't be able to make peace though.

TerribleZebra · 28/01/2022 19:25

Don't - your life isn't a film and you won't get the response you want or need. I'm sorry it's an awful situation to be in but you have to focus on coming to terms with it and not imagining some amazing resolution

PearlclutchersInc · 28/01/2022 19:25

So my mother has refused to speak to me for nearly 10 years. Changed her number, moved house, ignored emails

Don't. She's made it crystal clear what she wants. Its not your choice to make.

PleasantBirthday · 28/01/2022 19:25

Year the number up and put her out of your mind. I'm so sorry to say this, but some parents are just awful and can't be redeemed. There is a good chance your mother will not respond in a good way if you call and while you may think that could give you closure, I think it could undo any moving on you've been able to do.

Please protect yourself.

I'm so sorry.

Iggly · 28/01/2022 19:27

How did you come about her number?

She doesn’t want to be contacted unless there’s a back story to you getting her details.

DysmalRadius · 28/01/2022 19:30

Has she been able to contact you if she wanted to over the last decade? If so, and she's chosen not to, what makes you think that initiating contract with her now would yield a more positive outcome? I'm really sorry - it sounds like it's really tough for you, but it doesn't sound like the outcome would help you...

MaybeSomeDay7 · 28/01/2022 19:32

I had a similar upbringing and I think you should follow your instinct. If you feel you need to see her, it can help, even if she continues to be toxic. If you have grown stronger it will confirm your views of her, but please do see if you can even get a counsellor or some support for this as parental rejection or manipulation is a horrific experience to go through. But we all seek resolution.

shoofly · 28/01/2022 19:33

I hate that I voted YABU because I understand what you're saying, but I think it will not be helpful to you in the slightest. I honestly think counselling would be much more helpful

tiredanddangerous · 28/01/2022 19:36

Don't do it op. She isn't going to give you what you want Flowers

Owlink · 28/01/2022 19:43

What a horrible position to be in. I can't really imagine. So many emotions churned up, just having her number there in front of you. If you call, you can always say "well at least I tried, at least she didn't die without ever hearing from me again" etc even if she is still vile & hurts you. But do you feel resilient enough to take that potentially massive disappointment & heartache? Could you shrug that off, just add it to the pile of evidence that she was a terrible mother?

Original poster
DitheringDebbie · 28/01/2022 19:45

Just to clarify. I don’t want a reconciliation or a relationship. I don’t want her involved with my DC either as it’d be very awkward for them and she may not be in their lives again for long.

I’ve had years of counselling to unpick it all and have been living my best life Grin but it’s still there. I don’t know how I’d cope if I found out she’d died while there’s bad blood between us. Worried my MH would suffer again as it did when she cut me off. She’s early 80’s.

Shes a very cold, cruel woman and I’m the complete opposite and I don’t know how not to beConfused. I’d just like to be in low contact from a (great) distance.

I’m prepared for her to ignore me but I think I’d regret not trying. It’s so hard to quantify!

OP posts:
Santahasjoinedww · 28/01/2022 19:48

I was nc for 10 years after dm flounced. Let her back for a year.
Big
Mistake
Been nc for another 10 years and nc is how it will be staying.
Op we both know no good would come from changing that.
DON'T POKE THE BEAR

charliebear78 · 28/01/2022 19:51

I have not seen nor had any contact with my Dad for 15yrs, No abuse, just a lack of care or interest on his part!
Sometimes I feel sad it is like this, we were never close and after he and my Mum split, he disappeared from my life and has made no effort to be in it.
I will never contact him though, and I feel terrible saying this but when he dies(I will be told) I would not go.
I do not think you should ring her-you have tried and she has made it clear what she wants, so give it to her.

Dutchesss · 28/01/2022 19:53

She's your biological mum and nothing more. You're worth more than that. You need to cut the connection between your biological mum and a caring parent, she is not the latter.

Mummy1608 · 28/01/2022 19:57

@Santahasjoinedww

I was nc for 10 years after dm flounced. Let her back for a year. Big Mistake Been nc for another 10 years and nc is how it will be staying. Op we both know no good would come from changing that. DON'T POKE THE BEAR
I also have some similar experiences with close family NC.

"Don't poke the bear" is spot on advice and nice and easy to remember, i will remind myself if I'm ever tempted!!

VioletOcean · 28/01/2022 20:00

Prepare to get rejected. Prepare to feel all the negative feelings.

NeverChange · 28/01/2022 20:02

Don't give someone the opportunity to reject you twice. Whether it's family or partners.

You don't need her validation, you are a success in your own right & everything you have in your life now it despite her help when it should have be a positive contributor to it. If anything in those ten years caused her to change, she could have reached out. Does the person who gave you the number have contact? Do they know what she like now (probably unchanged or worse!)

That said, you still have to do what's right for you but just be sure you can deal with the reaction you are most likely to get.

Bluetrews25 · 28/01/2022 20:04

There will always be bad blood between you.
It is all hers.
You cannot change that.

What if she has dementia and cannot remember anything? What if she is the same and still is not bothered? I doubt there is a third option that is at all likely or realistic.

AuntyBumBum · 28/01/2022 20:04

Don't ask that question here, or listen to any of the answers.

It's massively complicated, and you can't make the decision based on what unqualified random strangers think based on no knowledge of either of you exempt a couple of lines of text.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 28/01/2022 20:06

I would let things be as they are and not contact her. However its easy for me, it must be hard for you. Hugs

Tal45 · 28/01/2022 20:07

Do what you need to do OP. You always regret the things you don't do more than the things you do do IMO. I would text rather than ring, write what you want to say, send it and expect nothing back. Just get off your chest the things you want to say and be prepared that's there's every chance she won't be interested in the slightest.

KeepingAnOpenMind · 28/01/2022 20:08

I wouldn’t.
I might send a text saying I’d win the lottery and wanted to meet up - then I’d block.
What she’s done is unforgivable.

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