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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Come and tell me this is a really BAD idea and I should really NOT do it.

80 replies

DitheringDebbie · 28/01/2022 19:15

So my mother has refused to speak to me for nearly 10 years. Changed her number, moved house, ignored emails.

I now have her mobile number.

I really want to contact her and see if she will talk to me. Over the last few years I have worried that she was dead and the thought of her dying before we make peace terrifies me.

She was very abusive, neglectful, a horrible mother, and caused me great harm but she’s my mum and I can’t turn off my feelings for her which are a mixture of love/ hate/sadness etc. I have not found being NC helpful and it certainly hasn’t taken the pain away.

I know full well she doesn’t care about me at all but I need to make peace for my own peace IUKWIM.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Ifyoudontlaughyouwillcry · 28/01/2022 20:10

I’m sorry to say but I don’t think you should. I haven’t spoken to mine for 10 years due to similar circumstances. I tolerated how she was with me but when she realised that wasn’t getting the reaction she craved she began to target my lovely husband. I made the decision that I would never be good enough. Since had two children - she’s known about both and has expressed no desire to see either of them. The truth is she doesn’t and never has loved me or wanted me in her life. Yes I have worried about her but I know I have to put my family first.

Given your experience, personally I would be very reluctant to expose either myself or my family to this.

Don’t do this to yourself - you don’t deserve it 💐💐

AcrossthePond55 · 28/01/2022 20:14

@DitheringDebbie

Just to clarify. I don’t want a reconciliation or a relationship. I don’t want her involved with my DC either as it’d be very awkward for them and she may not be in their lives again for long.

I’ve had years of counselling to unpick it all and have been living my best life Grin but it’s still there. I don’t know how I’d cope if I found out she’d died while there’s bad blood between us. Worried my MH would suffer again as it did when she cut me off. She’s early 80’s.

Shes a very cold, cruel woman and I’m the complete opposite and I don’t know how not to beConfused. I’d just like to be in low contact from a (great) distance.

I’m prepared for her to ignore me but I think I’d regret not trying. It’s so hard to quantify!

I'm saying this with all kindness, but I think you'd be better served to go back to counseling to figure out why you feel a need to (as PP's said) 'poke the bear' and to find tools to help you NOT dwell on contacting her and to be at peace with her dying with no 'resolution'. Some 'problems' simply have no solution and we have to find our way to acceptance with that.

"Let sleeping dogs lie" is a very old and very wise saying. And sometimes there is very good reason for 'bad blood' to exist because it keeps us from further harm and hurt.

2Gen · 28/01/2022 20:15

Please don't OP, she'll only hurt you again. I think you could do with someone to work through all this with you, a councellor or psychotherapist who is experienced in helping clients who have been abused. Ask your GP if you can be referred. Have you any close friends you can confide in, just to talk about how you feel and who will try to help you feel better? Good friends might not be professionals but they can be enormously helpful when we're in emotional pain. I'm heart-sorry you're going through this, you need support and kindness, which you won't get from her, it's just not in her.

Flickflak · 28/01/2022 20:15

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Bostonbullsmumma · 28/01/2022 20:15

I understand some of the issue OP. My mum died and you live with a regret that you shouldn't really have but you do and wonder what if. I don't know what is right in your situation but could you live with further rejection? What do you want to say to her? Be proud that you are the opposite to her. You are who you are in spite of her and that's amazing!

Toseland · 28/01/2022 20:22

Please don’t contact her. My old friend did exactly this, said he was in a good place, thought he could handle it. He was rejected again and it devastated him, he never recovered.

SunshineCake1 · 28/01/2022 20:33

I've had moments of worrying I would feel crap if my mother died without us ever speaking again. She abandoned me as a baby then again as a small child. Too long to go into but I have a wise husband luckily and he said she's never changed, I won't get what I think I need and to leave it. She then proved he was right by writing me a tantruming letter. Now I just hope she goes for good and I know I'll be fine if she dies.

LolaButt · 28/01/2022 20:39

I get where you’re coming from. You want to make peace with the situation and end the relationship on a civil level.

What will give you peace? Contacting her and knowing you tried? Or contacting her and having a conversation?

shedevill · 28/01/2022 20:42

I wonder if you should send a short text, but word it in such a way that it's purely up to your mum to respond and that at least she has your number. Sort of 'dont be obliged to respond to this text, I completely understand if you don't, but I wanted you to have my number if you ever did want to reach out to me'. Perhaps that would prevent any potential nasty responses and put the ball in her court, say if she did become ill or not expect to have long left, it would be up to her to reach out and that could help give you closure without it being you getting knocked back yet again?

CaMePlaitPas · 28/01/2022 20:54

Let her go- she's a birth giver, not a mother.

You deserve peace x

Mummabug18 · 28/01/2022 21:18

The only way, imo, to handle it is to message her and await her response, if any.

Given her age (80s and therefore, 70s when she went NC) and her being described as a cold cruel woman, I doubt she would want things to be any different. That said, many times there are regrets and the only thing preventing people from saying sorry is the fear of rejection. Given that you have nothing to lose and know you would regret not trying.... Try.

However, have hope but no expectations. Also, have boundaries. Don't go in thinking you're going to get answers or a friend but do be honest with her and yourself about why you're bothering.

I myself was NC with the birth giver (not adopted or anything, just resent calling her anything but that and her actual name) for over 10 years. Let her back in when I had DC1. That lasted about a year because she wouldn't face up to her part in counselling with me. She is selfish, violent and weak. She is no good to me or my DCs so washed my hands of it and as hard as it is not having a mum and best friend, this is the healthiest way for my MH and she is the one missing out, my wedding, family events and everything about our DCs 🤷🏻‍♀️

Whatever you do, do it for you.

Vapeyvapevape · 28/01/2022 21:44

Do you think that if she rejects you that will be the closure you need? One final effort so you can be secure in the knowledge that you tried? If you are in a place where you're 100% sure you can cope with the possible disappointment and it will make you feel better then I'd text her. The trouble is it's a gamble because whilst you may think you're strong enough to be ok with whatever happens, it might also set you back.
Is there another family member you can talk to, to find out how she is ?

Britannah · 28/01/2022 22:31

Going against the grain here but if it’s eating you up I would do it. You don’t have anything to loose and as long as you have made peace that there is a very strong chance you will be rejected again you should pick up the phone otherwise you will always wonder what if.

Thelnebriati · 28/01/2022 23:01

Whoever gave you her number hasnt done you any favours, I suggest you lose it straight away, then look into counselling.

Cherrysoup · 28/01/2022 23:12

You’ll be so disappointed if you get back in touch. What is your aim, getting back in touch?

OwlinaTree · 28/01/2022 23:19

I would write a 'letter' to her saying that you forgive her and you want to make peace.

Don't send the letter, but it is the process of writing and the acceptance of who she is and the forgiveness of her actions. Hopefully this will give you some closure and peace.

minou123 · 28/01/2022 23:20

I can understand where you're coming from.
It's that whole "what if" and will you regret it.
But, my fear for you is, will this unravel all the brilliant work you have done to get where you are now?

I think this is something you should take sometime to consider. Try not to make any rash decisions

MerryMarigold · 28/01/2022 23:30

Just an aside, the people suggesting you message her...my parents are in their 70s and although they have a mobile phone, they very rarely use it and definitely not for messages. So, I'd just beware of doing that as she might not see it.

I don't have any useful advice, I'm sorry. Think you need to ask yourself, "What would get rid of the bad blood?" And would she be willing/ likely to do that? Or is it purely reliant on you? Because my instinct is that getting in touch could create more bad blood and upset you perhaps more than even her death.

WonderfulYou · 28/01/2022 23:49

Worried my MH would suffer again as it did when she cut me off.

I would worry more about your MH if she chose to reject you again but if it’s something you want to do then go for it but be prepared that she’ll either not message back or take absolutely no responsibility for her actions in the past.

Good luck OP.
I hope you get what you deserve xx

Solongtoshort · 28/01/2022 23:54

I agree with @OwlinaTree l was thinking the same as l was reading the thread. You do sound like you need to forgive her but also stop blaming yourself, unfortunately some people are selfish and horrible and that’s not your fault and was probably like that before you were born.

Write a letter and don’t post it, you are not inviting rejection into your life you are. It like her, you are so much more and you deserve more, just not more of her. Only you have the power to make you happy.

milkyaqua · 29/01/2022 00:03

So my mother has refused to speak to me for nearly 10 years. Changed her number, moved house, ignored emails.

(1) That's a fairly broad hint she wants no contact. Even nasty, abusive people's boundaries really ought to be respected.

(2) It will not bring you any peace, it will only bring you shock, more trauma, and ongoing harm to your mental and emotional health.

Blahblahblah21 · 29/01/2022 00:17

I totally get it. It’s a niggle you need to get rid of. I think if you are strong enough and go into it knowing she will hurt you or possibly, worst case scenario welcome you back with open arms and then shit on you from a great height, then do it. Think of it a tick list. Contacted before dying - tick. It’s not disney, you deserve better but if that itch is itching then closure is what you need. Good luck, be strong, put a line under it, move on.

Grumpycatsmum · 29/01/2022 00:20

If it was me I would do it. Even if I knew it was likely to be painful. Maybe not the wisest option but I would want to try and get some insight into why. But I think you'd need to be well prepared with real life support. It may be very frustrating or distressing.

AKASammyScrounge · 29/01/2022 00:51

I think if it will help you gain peace of mind, go for it. A cold reaction from her is probably to be expected, but you will know that you gave it your best shot. It may be that not trying to reconcile will leave you wondering what might have happened.

52andblue · 29/01/2022 00:57

Hmm. I'd be wary.My mother is 82 now.
Long history of v difficult relationship.
I was CSA and she knew and she did nothing (actually she set it up,horribly).
She sent me a bday card (late, 1st time in years). I contacted her. She's unwell but shes not seeing her GP. I offered to travel to her (400 miles) to help. She says she is being well looked after by 'my husband and my son and I dont need your lectures or your "help". Sigh.