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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Come and tell me this is a really BAD idea and I should really NOT do it.

80 replies

DitheringDebbie · 28/01/2022 19:15

So my mother has refused to speak to me for nearly 10 years. Changed her number, moved house, ignored emails.

I now have her mobile number.

I really want to contact her and see if she will talk to me. Over the last few years I have worried that she was dead and the thought of her dying before we make peace terrifies me.

She was very abusive, neglectful, a horrible mother, and caused me great harm but she’s my mum and I can’t turn off my feelings for her which are a mixture of love/ hate/sadness etc. I have not found being NC helpful and it certainly hasn’t taken the pain away.

I know full well she doesn’t care about me at all but I need to make peace for my own peace IUKWIM.

AIBU?

OP posts:
amispeakingintongues · 29/01/2022 01:00

Thanks sounds to me like the purpose of you reaching out might be because you actually want to forgive her...and the best part is she doesn't even need to respond. Forgiveness can be massively healing and bring closure to a difficult past (especially if the thought of her passing before you have a chance to speak again is playing on your mind). I think you logically know she's probably not changed, and may never change, but for your own sake maybe just forgiving her will be enough. I can relate to so much of your OP and struggled with forgiveness for a long time until I understood the other person doesn't actually need to be sorry for their actions for me to forgive them and move on. Rather than it being about vulnerability, you can take back control here. It might be the best thing for you Xx

Happenchance · 29/01/2022 01:05

@AuntyBumBum

Don't ask that question here, or listen to any of the answers.

It's massively complicated, and you can't make the decision based on what unqualified random strangers think based on no knowledge of either of you exempt a couple of lines of text.

This
BuanoKubiamVej · 29/01/2022 01:07

If you were to contact her again, via a mobile number is a really bad way to do it. Don't use the number. You list in your OP that she took active steps to cut herself off from you. You clearly tried to keep in contact previously. You can't be the one to reach out to initiate closure of this strife. It has to come from her.. it may never be.

bluebell34567 · 29/01/2022 01:15

DON'T POKE THE BEAR agree.
she left. if she wants she should contact.

Thebodyshopolive · 29/01/2022 01:19

Who gave you her mobile number OP? Could they give you some indication of her state of mind?

RaoulDufysCat · 29/01/2022 01:23

There is no point in contacting her. She isn't the mother you want and she doesn't know how to be that person. In addition, she has refused to speak to you for ten years so I am pretty sure she doesn't want to be a mother of the type you'd like to have.

I agree with many others, you should seek more counselling. If the counselling you've had so far hasn't worked, cast your net wider and try more people. There is someone out there who can help you come to terms with all of this, but it's not your mum.

mummykel16 · 29/01/2022 01:25

@DitheringDebbie

So my mother has refused to speak to me for nearly 10 years. Changed her number, moved house, ignored emails.

I now have her mobile number.

I really want to contact her and see if she will talk to me. Over the last few years I have worried that she was dead and the thought of her dying before we make peace terrifies me.

She was very abusive, neglectful, a horrible mother, and caused me great harm but she’s my mum and I can’t turn off my feelings for her which are a mixture of love/ hate/sadness etc. I have not found being NC helpful and it certainly hasn’t taken the pain away.

I know full well she doesn’t care about me at all but I need to make peace for my own peace IUKWIM.

AIBU?

You are not being unreasonable we all need love, just sometimes we look in the wrong places. Good luck whatever you do.
oakleaffy · 29/01/2022 01:27

@DitheringDebbie
I'm so sorry, your mother sounds really cruel and unpleasant to have treated you in this callous~ in fact brutal~ manner.
Years ago I'd occasionally watch Jeremy Kyle and be appalled at the ghastly ''Mothers'' on there, that absolutely were not worthy of their sons and daughters.
I really do ''Get'' where you are coming from though.

A woman I know came home from school {with her brother} to find their parents had upped sticks and gone.{I think from a rented property}

They have never been seen again.
The children {now middle aged adults} obviously have been very badly affected by it.

Everyone wants to have loving relationship with a parent or two.

I don't think your mother will be kind to you, but I applaud you wanting to make peace with her.

Only you can decide if you want to take the risk of her being hurtful yet again to your ''Olive branch''.

The utter selfishness of some parents beggars belief.

PrincessNutella · 29/01/2022 01:29

What do you think she's going to do? Become the magic sparkle mommy of your dreams? Aint gonna happen. This lady is like a pack of smokes. Don't even start.

oakleaffy · 29/01/2022 01:31

@amispeakingintongues

Thanks sounds to me like the purpose of you reaching out might be because you actually want to forgive her...and the best part is she doesn't even need to respond. Forgiveness can be massively healing and bring closure to a difficult past (especially if the thought of her passing before you have a chance to speak again is playing on your mind). I think you logically know she's probably not changed, and may never change, but for your own sake maybe just forgiving her will be enough. I can relate to so much of your OP and struggled with forgiveness for a long time until I understood the other person doesn't actually need to be sorry for their actions for me to forgive them and move on. Rather than it being about vulnerability, you can take back control here. It might be the best thing for you Xx
Sounds pretty good advice to me. Forgiveness is possible, wether the other person acknowledges it or not.
oakleaffy · 29/01/2022 01:34

@DitheringDebbie

Just to clarify. I don’t want a reconciliation or a relationship. I don’t want her involved with my DC either as it’d be very awkward for them and she may not be in their lives again for long.

I’ve had years of counselling to unpick it all and have been living my best life Grin but it’s still there. I don’t know how I’d cope if I found out she’d died while there’s bad blood between us. Worried my MH would suffer again as it did when she cut me off. She’s early 80’s.

Shes a very cold, cruel woman and I’m the complete opposite and I don’t know how not to beConfused. I’d just like to be in low contact from a (great) distance.

I’m prepared for her to ignore me but I think I’d regret not trying. It’s so hard to quantify!

If you really want to contact this bitter old lady, and you know it could impact on your mental health, only you can make that choice.

Some people are so callous and selfish that cannot see beyond their own nose.
Do what you feel is best for you.

Passtherioja · 29/01/2022 01:53

I think that the fact you've asked the question speaks volumes.

You obviously want to give her one last chance at proving she can be a decent mum so text the mobile, brace yourself for no answer and give yourself a cut off date eg if she not answered by the end of the day/week/month

If her messages are toxic cut her off but you need to take care of your "what if..." gene.

I really hope it goes well for you xx

Quirkyme · 29/01/2022 02:11

@Merryoldgoat

What counselling have you had to help you heal OP?

I would think having freedom from an abusive mother would be wonderful and the fact you are still chasing a relationship says to me you need help to process the mistreatment you’ve suffered.

Agree.

OP seek therapy

WorstXmasEver · 29/01/2022 03:06

If you contact her she has won the "no contact competition".

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/01/2022 03:14

You have acknowledged that she is cold, cruel and doesn't care about you.
You are not going to get any type of "peace" by talking to her.

What I WOULD do, if anything at all, is just send her a text message saying "Hi Mum, I forgive you, bye" and then block her number and let it go.

Then you've made YOUR peace, without having to actually interact with her and without her being able to upset you further (which she will, especially if she knows she can).

But actually speak to her? Nah. That's just giving her more ammunition. What if she pretends she doesn't even remember who you are? How could you stand that?

Justsaynonow · 29/01/2022 03:25

@Tal45

Do what you need to do OP. You always regret the things you don't do more than the things you do do IMO. I would text rather than ring, write what you want to say, send it and expect nothing back. Just get off your chest the things you want to say and be prepared that's there's every chance she won't be interested in the slightest.
I agree. I wrote out everything I wanted to say (after many sleepless nights of editing). Delivered it and never heard from him before he died the next month. Very, very glad I did - at least he knew how badly I felt he'd treated me.
AgentJohnson · 29/01/2022 04:33

If your MH is poor at the moment, how would inviting someone back into your life who negatively impacts it going to help? You’re hoping things will be different when there is zero evidence it will be.

Your mother has chosen NC, you don’t have to agree but you do have to accept it.

lborgia · 29/01/2022 04:48

I think the info that would make a difference isn't here.

How the phone number appeared, what the last meeting/ reason for cut off was, and if you do crash and burn as a result, how much support do you have?

I agree, your counsellor should have all the context, all for an appt, make a list of all your reasons, and talk to them about it.

Kennykenkencat · 29/01/2022 07:59

Ultimately no good will ever come of it and although you might feel bad about the situation now it could end up a lot lot worse.

I think if you want to forgive her then you have to do that without any input from her. Tell the universe what you want to tell your mother and then symbolically say your goodbyes and move on.

And get rid of the number to your mother’s telephone so you are never tempted to make contact at a weak moment.
If someone gave you the number then I would be questioning their intentions

Mummy1608 · 29/01/2022 12:40

@milkyaqua

So my mother has refused to speak to me for nearly 10 years. Changed her number, moved house, ignored emails.

(1) That's a fairly broad hint she wants no contact. Even nasty, abusive people's boundaries really ought to be respected.

(2) It will not bring you any peace, it will only bring you shock, more trauma, and ongoing harm to your mental and emotional health.

That's a really good point about respecting her boundary. I'm going to remember that about my NC relative too.

So much wisdom on mumsnet, I learn so much on this forum

BoredZelda · 29/01/2022 15:25

I don’t know how I’d cope if I found out she’d died while there’s bad blood between us. Worried my MH would suffer again as it did when she cut me off. She’s early 80’s.

But the bad blood isn’t something you can fix alone. Even if you do contact her, the bad blood will still be there. And if she doesn’t respond, as much as you say you’re prepared, it may well impact your MH.

To be honest, her death will bring you issues no matter whether you contact her now or not. I think I’d focus on reconciling yourself to that and doing whatever preventative work on your MH you can do.

Tywin · 12/11/2022 18:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Runningintolife · 12/11/2022 19:02

Do it in your head or with a therapist, have the conversation you want to have on your terms without her letting you down again. While you are at it tell her how shit she has been and how wonderful you turned out despite her ❤️

Artygirlghost · 12/11/2022 19:04

Don't do it.

No good will come out of it.

It is perfectly normal for you to day-dream about meeting again and finally having a decent relationship. Or to miss having a mother and wondering what is happening in her life.

But the reality is that she is still and will always be the same person who mistreated you. That is never going to change and you will never have the relationship you would have wanted with her.

You would only be reopening old wounds.

I am no contact with my mother and will never, ever have any further contact with that parent.

I have never had any real connection with her from childhood, it is not going to change at this stage.

Johnnysgirl · 12/11/2022 19:05

I need to make peace for my own peace IUKWIM
Being rejected again won't bring you any peace.
Flowers