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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I too thin skinned regarding this?

119 replies

roundthew · 27/01/2022 13:43

I am mixed race, half African, and have coarse afro hair. My hair has always been a huge insecurity of mine and H knows it.

My husband (fully white) has offered an afro wig to his brother for his birthday as a joke gift and his whole family has been passing it around, taking pictures with it and have laughed about it for days.
My husband thinks it’s so funny he should make it sort of a tradition and give afro wigs to all his family members on their birthdays

AIBU to be a bit hurt about it?

OP posts:
fromdownwest · 27/01/2022 15:09

Offence aside, if this makes them laugh out loud and is a source of entertainment, then I would be walking!

£100 he uses the word 'Bants'

Harlequin1088 · 27/01/2022 15:09

Good grief that’s awful! If you were Indian, he wouldn’t think it was appropriate to hand out Bindi dots as “joke” gifts, would he? If you were of Native American descent, it wouldn’t be ok for him to give his mates feather headdresses either. He’s been totally insensitive and as your husband should know better that this cultural appropriation and mockery would be extremely hurtful to you.

PrincesseRoyale · 27/01/2022 15:10

OP, your post makes me sad. This is really off. It’s not funny and along the same lines as if black face paint was being passed around as a joke.

But also, given the background as to why you were wearing a wig, it’s just plain insensitive.

I would be very hurt if I were you.

pigsDOfly · 27/01/2022 15:17

I'm not sure this is cultural appropriation so much as outright racism.

I'm really failing to see what is funny about an afro wig in the first place but then you put that together with your sensitivity about your hair he's coming across as a complete arse.

As pps have said would he think blackface funny? I suspect he probably would.

Gonnagetgoing · 27/01/2022 15:17

Your 'D'H is being an insensitive arsehole over this towards you (he knows your feelings re your hair). Then to go further and want to make it a 'joke' with his family.

Bloody hell there are other wigs he could choose like a red curly clowns hair or a pink punk Mohican or a bald skinhead or long brown hippy hair not an Afro wig!

I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms how upset he's made me feel.

HollowTalk · 27/01/2022 15:21

I'm sure your hair is beautiful. You are living with a racist, rude, nasty piece of work and I think you should leave him.

Gonnagetgoing · 27/01/2022 15:21

@pigsDOfly

I'm not sure this is cultural appropriation so much as outright racism.

I'm really failing to see what is funny about an afro wig in the first place but then you put that together with your sensitivity about your hair he's coming across as a complete arse.

As pps have said would he think blackface funny? I suspect he probably would.

@pigsDOfly - an afro wig isn't seen by funny by me and my friends and family unless you're going out and it's a tribute night e.g. to Jackson Five or a soul night. There used to be a club night in the olden days called Car Wash where the guys (and some of the girls) would wear afro amongst other wigs.

Even then, nowadays I think most of us would think twice re black face etc about doing this.

I think if there are other wigs worn especially for a party/night out - e.g. pink punk mohican, hippy long hair, dreadlocks. Native American plaits then why not wear afro wigs? As long as you're not 'taking the piss' there shouldn't be a problem and especially if it's worn with suitable e.g. 70s flares.

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/01/2022 15:22

It's not just insensitive and racist - it's in very poor taste indeed.

Flamingpantoufles · 27/01/2022 15:24

Jeez, I'm really sorry OP. This really sucks. Totally not you being thin-skinned, in fact I think you are sounding very reasonable about it.

You shouldn't have to explain to him why this is absolutely unacceptable but it sounds as if you will have to, and make it clear how much it upsets you and then see how he reacts and take it from here

FrogIAm · 27/01/2022 15:26

OP, that’s really horrible.
And after your subsequent posts, I wouldn’t have said this was a living partner, but some idiot are shoo who you were only just dating and people would be telling to not continue the relationship with. Who does that, he is not a good person. How is the rest if your relationship. And wear it at basically your wedding, WTAF???

Wreath21 · 27/01/2022 15:27

This sounds thoroughly unpleasant. If the wig he gave was a bright green clown one (though bushy/curly) or something he might have had some justification for saying you were 'oversensitive'. TBH if his brother is going bald, his brother might consider a 'joke' wig gift to be upsetting as well - do the whole family go in for this sort of teasing in general?

ReadySteadyTwins · 27/01/2022 15:33

He, and his family, find an afro wig hilarious.

Look how funny it is, ha ha ha, with the hilarious afro hair. Laughable hair. Let's make a thing of doing it every birthday, this hair's such a joke.

What vile people.

Drinkingallthewine · 27/01/2022 15:35

Oh he's one of those "Oh I can't be racist, my wife is mixed race" types.

There's two elements - firstly he's making a family joke about something he knows is a sensitive issue for you - decent men would never do this.
Secondly, as someone else points out, would he make this joke with this wig to a black colleague? and if not, why not?

Grumpyscot92 · 27/01/2022 15:39

Your husband sounds like a psycho

gamerchick · 27/01/2022 15:39

I'd be gutted if my husband took something.i was insecure about and turned it into a family joke.

What a prick.

CallMeK · 27/01/2022 15:40

Super offensive!!

thisplaceisweird · 27/01/2022 15:43

I think if there are other wigs worn especially for a party/night out - e.g. pink punk mohican, hippy long hair, dreadlocks. Native American plaits then why not wear afro wigs? As long as you're not 'taking the piss' there shouldn't be a problem and especially if it's worn with suitable e.g. 70s flares

Because people's culture isn't a costume.
An afro wig and flares for a party = not ok
Flares for a party = ok
You don't need to imitate the race part.

Equally:
A pink party wig for a party = ok.
A native american costume for a party = not ok
A saree and bindi at a friends Indian wedding = ok

thisplaceisweird · 27/01/2022 15:45

I lost my hair due to a chemical burn a couple of years ago so I was the only one to actually have a wig until my hair grew out but it wasn’t a dress-up wig, it was a proper wig I got from the princess trust

Knowing this makes it so heartbreaking. I'm so sorry OP.
How are you feeling about it? Do you feel you can talk to him about it or will he brush you off? Are you planning to have kids with him?

roundtable · 27/01/2022 15:49

Sorry you married a racist with a fetish op. I bet he refers to you as being exotic too?

Urgh, his whole family sounds vile. I thought some of my white family members were bad enough but nothing like that. Awful behaviour.

Tangletester · 27/01/2022 15:57

That’s awful op. I also don’t get the joke, why on earth would they all find this so funny?!

Freecuthbert · 27/01/2022 16:03

I am gobsmacked reading this! How awful of your husband. I'm white and my partner has an afro and I can only imagine how my partner would feel if I pulled something like this... the thought makes me sick tbh. I am reading this like your partner/his family have made you the butt of the joke which is awful, but even if I've got that part of it wrong, it is still racist and deeply offensive.

Ericaequites · 27/01/2022 16:03

This is hurtful, inappropriate, and racist. Have a word with DH soonest.

lljkk · 27/01/2022 16:07

I would like to hear the DH's side of why he thinks this is fine --

I wish I could make you love your hair more, OP.

oakleaffy · 27/01/2022 16:11

What is remotely funny about an Afro wig?
Nothing.
If you are sensitive about any body issue , it’s mean for a partner to make a “Thing “ of it.

Cillmantain · 27/01/2022 16:12

It's not funny at all.
Its completely inappropriate, extremely hurtful and rascist.

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