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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I too thin skinned regarding this?

119 replies

roundthew · 27/01/2022 13:43

I am mixed race, half African, and have coarse afro hair. My hair has always been a huge insecurity of mine and H knows it.

My husband (fully white) has offered an afro wig to his brother for his birthday as a joke gift and his whole family has been passing it around, taking pictures with it and have laughed about it for days.
My husband thinks it’s so funny he should make it sort of a tradition and give afro wigs to all his family members on their birthdays

AIBU to be a bit hurt about it?

OP posts:
HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 27/01/2022 14:31

If he just wanted to get a laugh out of his brother dressing up in a wig it could have been anything so why specifically that.

I normally roll my eyes when posters jump to all kind of crazy assumptions but I thought the same, I would think that there is a long running joke somewhere that I wasn't a part of.

Before I had braces I was insecure about my wonky teeth if dp started handing out dodgy teeth gags I would think he was doing it deliberately to mock me.

Motnight · 27/01/2022 14:32

This is so screwed up it is scary.

Op really sorry that your husband and his family are racist.

IlIlI · 27/01/2022 14:39

No, that's horrible. Even if it weren't a hair texture issue, what kind of husband openly mocks and insecurity of their wife and suggests it should be a new tradition to laugh at it at every birthday after and their anniversary!
But it is a hair texture issue and as we know mixed children can turn out any way really even looking more like one grandparent than either of the parents in terms of skin tone or hair texture, so what kinds of jokes will he find acceptable if you ever have children and they have the same texture? What will he teach them about what they should be accepting too?!

thisplaceisweird · 27/01/2022 14:41

cultural appropriation (he doesn’t believe it’s really a thing)
RED FLAG

Agree with another poster that it's sinister. Like he and his family have been waiting to make some joke about the elephant in the room (sorry for the phrase) all these years and finally have an outlet.

Musmerian · 27/01/2022 14:41

This racist and totally unacceptable. Seriously.

amusedbush · 27/01/2022 14:41

That's, at best, incredibly tone deaf and ignorant and, at worst, racist. I would be asking him exactly why coily/afro hair is so funny. Why are his family members laughing so much at the idea of themselves with an afro?

Blackface started as white people mimicking features of black people's appearance for amusement. Would he paint his face brown and have a hearty laugh in public? In my view, it's no different.

ScrollingLeaves · 27/01/2022 14:43

Even if he weren’t married to you, and knew nothing about your insecurities, I’d have thought no one now would ever consider this being an acceptable joke.

Have you any idea why he thinks it is funny?

girlmom21 · 27/01/2022 14:43

Nothing really, his family laughed as soon as they saw it and didn’t ask for any explanation.

This is so messed up. If I gave my family an Afro wig with no context they wouldn't laugh. They'd say "what's this for/about?"

Ask him to explain the joke we're clearly all missing here OP. Ask him what the in-joke is with his family because you felt a bit out of the loop.

DePfeffoff · 27/01/2022 14:43

I don't even understand what's so hilarious about it anyway. Are they usually this feeble about their jokes?

stealthninjamum · 27/01/2022 14:49

Op ask him if he would wear it at work with a black colleague. I would be surprised if he didn’t realise how offensive that would be. And yet it’s ok to do with you around?

UniversalAunt · 27/01/2022 14:50

Does his family have some weird dressing up fetish?
A wardrobe full of over the top outfits & wigs that they don to have raucous silly parties where family & guests prance about in questionable outfits? If so, I might argue that the Afro wig-up is consistent with their vulgar fun & please don’t take it personally.

However, I’ll assume that this is not the case…

Regularsizedrudy · 27/01/2022 14:50

@5128gap

Theres an odd dynamic there OP. There's no way he's just happened to make this particular joke given your heritage and dislike of your hair. He's chosen it deliberately as an act of passive aggression. The same with his arguments about cultural appropriation. There's something going on there, a desire to put you down or anger at you about something. In your shoes I wouldn't let it drop or be fobbed off with him saying he meant no harm. I believe he did, and I'd want to know why.
This this this. There is something really off. You’re his partner why is he choosing to be so oppositional?
CookTheRice · 27/01/2022 14:51

OP this is so messed up! I'm white and I would still be horrified if my husband thought it was funny to buy his brother an afro wig.

It's completely unacceptable to make a joke about someone else's insecurity. The race factor makes it doubly unacceptable.

Original poster
roundthew · 27/01/2022 14:52

@UniversalAunt

Does his family have some weird dressing up fetish? A wardrobe full of over the top outfits & wigs that they don to have raucous silly parties where family & guests prance about in questionable outfits? If so, I might argue that the Afro wig-up is consistent with their vulgar fun & please don’t take it personally.

However, I’ll assume that this is not the case…

No they don’t have any of that They don’t have any wigs either

I lost my hair due to a chemical burn a couple of years ago so I was the only one to actually have a wig until my hair grew out but it wasn’t a dress-up wig, it was a proper wig I got from the princess trust

OP posts:
Original poster
roundthew · 27/01/2022 14:53

It is very weird, but I just don’t understand why my husband would go out his way to do that. And now I’m finding the choice of gift really questionable

OP posts:
thinkingaboutLangCleg · 27/01/2022 14:56

I bet you still have a good head of hair when they are all going bald. Butyou will be too polite to put on a bald wig.

19Bears · 27/01/2022 14:57

This is absolutely horrific @roundthew It's bad enough that he is making fun of afro hair, but he then goes on to buy a wig as a 'joke' for a family member, all the rest of his family join in with the 'joke', and all this time he knows you have insecurities about your hair, you being his actual wife?????!!!!!! Wtf?! It's not just the racist element, it's the complete lack of emotional awareness. Is he expecting you to ever have sex with him again? Or go for a nice day out together? Or do the many things around the house I bet you do for him??! I am furious for you. What a child. So no, YANBU.

LittleMrsMama · 27/01/2022 14:58

YANBI

I don't know why it's funny and is completely inappropriate given your heritage

Herja · 27/01/2022 14:59

Your husband views hair like your own natural (and I am sure beautiful) hair as something inherently funny. As do his entire family seemingly.

That's not you thin skined OP, that's open racism. Your hair and hair like yours is perfect as it is and not a bloody joke. Flowers

whenthedoveslie · 27/01/2022 15:01

Nah, not remotely funny. I am upset for you OP.

I would be passing him divorce papers tbh.

wannabeamummysobad · 27/01/2022 15:01

You need to have words with your husband and his family. His "joke" is insulting and personally the whole "you're being too sensitive" comment is very gas lighty.

I'm a British born black woman of Nigerian descent married to a mixed race man (white and south Asian). He nor his white family wouldn't dream of pulling this stunt and I wouldn't let them if they tried.

You are mixed but half of your family is black. Nip this in the bud now. If he wasn't your husband I'd be asking if this is the sort of man/family you wanted to bring kids into. Just remember that genes mix in beautiful ways and your 3/4 white children could very easily have corse hair. Would you want their dads family making a joke of that ?

NotAGirl · 27/01/2022 15:02

This might be my first LTB

It sounds like you’ve been not married that long as you mentioned not being able to have a wedding reception.

The joke Afro wig and comments about cultural appropriation reveals someone who at best

- doesn’t understand how racism impacts people who experience it
- isn’t prepared to listen to someone who experiences it ,and
- isn’t prepared to stop doing something that he wants to do but that that actually isn’t important to him, even though he knows it upsets you

And that is the best possible spin that can be put on his behaviour. Worst case is he’s doing this deliberately to upset you. If he’s behaving like this when you’ve not been married long he isn’t going to get better over time.

PinkSyCo · 27/01/2022 15:03

You’re not being thin skinned at all OP. Your DH is being at best highly insensitive and at worst bloody racist too. Horrible behaviour.

Dragongirl10 · 27/01/2022 15:05

I agree this is very odd, and totally cruel.

If he won't take your feelings seriously then write him a message along the lines of...

You know l am very sensitive about my hair and so l am very upset/annoyed that you would think it funny to buy a similar wig and make endless jokes about it.
You may be just being insensitive, but if you care about my feelings at all you will understand and respect, that l wand this unfunny 'joke' dropped immediately and without further debate or discussion.

Don't soften it,

I hope that he is nicer the rest of the time?

GatoradeMeBitch · 27/01/2022 15:08

Even if you loved your hair, your DH would be out of order. As it is, this sounds unpleasant on several levels and overtly passive-aggressive. Added to the fact that he argues with you about what constitutes cultural appropriation he sounds exhausting. He's your partner, he should have your back. Even if he sees the wig as being nothing to do with you, he shouldn't find it funny at all. If someone I knew pulled out a "comedy" afro wig I would cringe.

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