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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I too thin skinned regarding this?

119 replies

roundthew · 27/01/2022 13:43

I am mixed race, half African, and have coarse afro hair. My hair has always been a huge insecurity of mine and H knows it.

My husband (fully white) has offered an afro wig to his brother for his birthday as a joke gift and his whole family has been passing it around, taking pictures with it and have laughed about it for days.
My husband thinks it’s so funny he should make it sort of a tradition and give afro wigs to all his family members on their birthdays

AIBU to be a bit hurt about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
roundthew · 27/01/2022 14:01

@andysgirl22

How is it comparable to black women wearing weaves ?!?!?! Not funny either and in no way the same.
That’s what he said when we had a conversation about cultural appropriation a while ago. So I’m sure he’ll use that as an argument.
OP posts:
Original poster
roundthew · 27/01/2022 14:02

I agree that it’s not the same at all and that the comparison is ludicrous

OP posts:
Catrice · 27/01/2022 14:03

You are not too thin skinned OP. That is awful.

Original poster
roundthew · 27/01/2022 14:04

@GeneGenie123

So sorry your husband (and his family!) are so insensitive. Of course cultural appropriation is a thing! Just from your second post it sounds like you have started to ‘check-out’ of the relationship and frankly I don’t blame you.
Yeah, he’s been making continuous jokes that just wear me out really. Very weird considering he says he loves my hair.
OP posts:
ringoutthebells · 27/01/2022 14:07

I think the fact you're insecure about your hair is a red herring. This is massively inappropriate and unfunny regardless. Embarrassing for him. He sounds very unenlightened.

Boood · 27/01/2022 14:08

Is it at all possible it was intended to be an 80s style scouse wig rather than an afro? I’m trying to think of a reason it might not have occurred to him how offensive and hurtful you would find it, and that’s the only thing I can think of.

Hoppinggreen · 27/01/2022 14:08

Awful behaviour even if it wasn’t for your hair and how you feel about it.
It’s one step from Blackface

puffyisgood · 27/01/2022 14:09

I suppose it depends. It's not clear why wearing an afro wig would be 'funny'. It might be funny if, say, there was a family joke that, say, he really liked 1970s music [?] or as a child was a fan of the footballer Kevin Keegan [?] I'm stretching a bit here. Generally it seems stupid and unfunny.

Also, please try not be insecure about your hair.

Motnight · 27/01/2022 14:09

What does he say when you ask him what the actual joke is?

Snorkmaidenn · 27/01/2022 14:10

This is awful. Is this a side to him that you've never seen or noticed before.
Horrid family!

5128gap · 27/01/2022 14:10

Theres an odd dynamic there OP. There's no way he's just happened to make this particular joke given your heritage and dislike of your hair. He's chosen it deliberately as an act of passive aggression. The same with his arguments about cultural appropriation. There's something going on there, a desire to put you down or anger at you about something. In your shoes I wouldn't let it drop or be fobbed off with him saying he meant no harm. I believe he did, and I'd want to know why.

idiotmagnet · 27/01/2022 14:11

This is awful. I'm so sorry you're having to endure this x

Original poster
roundthew · 27/01/2022 14:12

@Boood

Is it at all possible it was intended to be an 80s style scouse wig rather than an afro? I’m trying to think of a reason it might not have occurred to him how offensive and hurtful you would find it, and that’s the only thing I can think of.
No no, he showed me after he had ordered it and his search history said “afro wig”. The wig was labelled afro 4c wig. He even complained that it didn’t look as afro as he had wished when it arrived, as he thought it was more curly than coarse and therefore not as advertised.
OP posts:
Original poster
roundthew · 27/01/2022 14:14

@5128gap

Theres an odd dynamic there OP. There's no way he's just happened to make this particular joke given your heritage and dislike of your hair. He's chosen it deliberately as an act of passive aggression. The same with his arguments about cultural appropriation. There's something going on there, a desire to put you down or anger at you about something. In your shoes I wouldn't let it drop or be fobbed off with him saying he meant no harm. I believe he did, and I'd want to know why.
I do admit I don’t understand why he picked that wig in particular. But on another hand, he always compliments my hair and says he loves it. So I’m rather confused.

He or one of his family members (can’t remember) also made another joke saying that his brother should wear it on our anniversary and make a toast

OP posts:
Original poster
roundthew · 27/01/2022 14:15

(We couldn’t have a wedding reception because of COVID so we thought of having a big anniversary instead to celebrate.)

OP posts:
Original poster
roundthew · 27/01/2022 14:19

@Motnight

What does he say when you ask him what the actual joke is?
Nothing really, his family laughed as soon as they saw it and didn’t ask for any explanation. So I think it’s just the fact that the hair texture was so different from theirs that made them think it was hilarious
OP posts:
HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 27/01/2022 14:19

It's weird behaviour. Not sure how he's not making the connection either (him knowing your insecurity). Which leaves me thinking he's doing it on purpose.

The childish side of me would want to find an insecurity he has and make a joke of it. Fat suits, balding hair, passing round cocktail sausages at the next family gathering, to remind them of DP.

In all seriousness tell him your hair is not a novelty/joke and him and his family are going to look like wankers parading about in a afro wig.

Trisolaris · 27/01/2022 14:21

Yeah, what is the joke? What is so funny about Afro hair? If he just wanted to get a laugh out of his brother dressing up in a wig it could have been anything so why specifically that.

DarkCorner · 27/01/2022 14:26

YANB in the slightest bit thin skinned. I am recoiling with horror at this "joke". What will they do next - put some brown shoe polish on their faces and roar with laughter at how hilarious it is? This is literally no different. The fact that you also have afro hair makes it a personal attack on you but the "joke" itself even without the personal aspect is disgusting.

Kellykukoo · 27/01/2022 14:28

Yanbu. If I had big feet and my partner bought a costume pair of big feet as a joke for his family, who actually got the joke..whatever that joke was, I would be offended.
Regardless of any questions around race, it's an insensitive thing to do to someone you love.

Morgan12 · 27/01/2022 14:29

Start giving wee Willie's to all his family members in honor of him

lemmein · 27/01/2022 14:29

It's actually sounds quite sinister this OP. Even the most ignorant would feel a bit awkward laughing at an Afro wig in the presence of somebody with Afro hair surely?Hmm

My friend has a turn in her eye and if anyone, even on tele, mentions that sort of thing and im with her I instantly feel awkward because I know it upsets her. By your DPs logic I should get all my family some glasses that mimic her eyes and wear them next time she's here - for the banter Confused

Your DP has no respect for you - one of the most racist fuckers I know is married to an Asian woman btw!

DarkCorner · 27/01/2022 14:29

Oh and I didn't think cultural appropriation involved actively laughing at the item/other culture, it's just taking an element and "using" (for want of a better word) it? This is a huge huge step further than cultural appropriation imo so I wouldn't let him use that term to derail your point.

Emms2022 · 27/01/2022 14:29

Have the conversation with him, even if it does piss him off, WTAF, I'd go mad if it was me in a similar situation, that is 100% not on as you are his wife and he should respect your feelings above everyone else's XX

ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 27/01/2022 14:29

Your hair isn't a joke. That's cruel or at the very least insensitive.

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