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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that if you’ve gone no contact you can’t go to funeral

496 replies

Playingdevilsadvocate · 27/01/2022 06:35

My SIL has gone NC with her DF. It’s been a couple of years now. He’s just died. I don’t know what she plans to do regards funeral yet but I feel that if she didn’t want anything to do with him in these last years of his life, she can’t go wailing at his funeral with his grieving family. They all know how she’s behaved towards him and they don’t want a bar of her. She should have thought of this moment before she cut him off! Should his widow (not her dm) have to encounter this person who caused her dh so much pain, at his funeral where she will be grieving her dh? Thoughts?

OP posts:
Amandasummers · 27/01/2022 09:05

I feel this way about my brother. He hasn’t spoken to or been there for my dad for more years than I can remember. I don’t want him at the funeral when that time comes.

Pat123dev · 27/01/2022 09:10

I don't see it's anything to do with you really- or the dd wife. Its a funeral, you don't make those choices. Its his dd, she should be able to go if chooses.

chaosrabbitland · 27/01/2022 09:13

it would be very hypocritcal of her to attend it i agree , but unless shes actually told dont bother coming by the widow there of course is the risk shes gonna turn up

PhoboPhobia · 27/01/2022 09:13

You don't seem to like your SIL very much. Unless there is a massive drip feed coming, why do you say she has been awful to cut him off?

Also, you say in your OP you don't know what her plans are so you are being all judgey over a situation that might not even happen!

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/01/2022 09:14

@Amandasummers

I feel this way about my brother. He hasn’t spoken to or been there for my dad for more years than I can remember. I don’t want him at the funeral when that time comes.
@Amandasummers Your brother clearly had a good reason for going NC and going to the funeral may help your brother with his pain of the relationship he couldn't have with his father, and give him closure.
Migrainesbythedozen · 27/01/2022 09:15

@chaosrabbitland

it would be very hypocritcal of her to attend it i agree , but unless shes actually told dont bother coming by the widow there of course is the risk shes gonna turn up
@chaosrabbitland Read the full thread of comments from everyone, there is clearly a reason she went NC, and she has every right to closure by going to the funeral. She is not a 'hypocrite' for needing closure from the father she couldn't have.
WetLookKnitwear · 27/01/2022 09:16

A funeral isn’t just for one person, and it’s not about drama. I think someone who had “cut them out” (I assume that’s what no contact means) should be able to attend along with everyone else. What matters the most is what you had with the person while they were alive anyway.

User1isnotavailable · 27/01/2022 09:16

If you cannot be bothered to stay in touch with the person in real life then why would you want to go to a funeral. To show others you actually do care? No idea really but why would you. A last finger up to the NC person and their loved ones that bothered with them? It seems quite petty to go when the most important thing is actions in real life.

Similar to some posting on social media about how wonderful someone is but barely bothering in real life. Odd.

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/01/2022 09:17

@User1isnotavailable

If you cannot be bothered to stay in touch with the person in real life then why would you want to go to a funeral. To show others you actually do care? No idea really but why would you. A last finger up to the NC person and their loved ones that bothered with them? It seems quite petty to go when the most important thing is actions in real life.

Similar to some posting on social media about how wonderful someone is but barely bothering in real life. Odd.

@User1isnotavailable As others have said, it's called closure for the one who was forced to go NC. Please don't victim-blame.
CandyMan89 · 27/01/2022 09:18

Well aren't you a delight.

ancientgran · 27/01/2022 09:18

I think when someone who is estranged dies or even after a divorce/break up, people often grieve/are sad and people don't understand why. I think they aren't grieving the person who hurt them, the person they no longer wanted to know, they grieve the person from years ago, the dad who fixed your bike or the boyfriend who swept you off your feet.

ClawedButler · 27/01/2022 09:19

People go to funerals for all sorts of reasons - mostly it's about paying respects and grieving together for a lost loved one, but it can equally be about closure of some kind, whether that's making peace with it or just wanting to be sure the person has really gone.

Don't assume everyone at the funeral will be there for the same reasons.

It is a time when emotions are supercharged, though, so your SIL may want to be prepared for some flak from the family who aren't able at that time to put themselves in someone else's shoes.

User1isnotavailable · 27/01/2022 09:19

@Amandasummers

I feel this way about my brother. He hasn’t spoken to or been there for my dad for more years than I can remember. I don’t want him at the funeral when that time comes.
That makes perfect sense.

Your brother may want to present as a loving son even though in RL he didn't for whatever reason even speak to him. It's very odd how people behave towards others but then want to go to a funeral that the living person has no idea they are attending. It's for reaction from others, to show others and nothing at all about the person that has died.

Inspectorslack · 27/01/2022 09:19

@User1isnotavailable

If you cannot be bothered to stay in touch with the person in real life then why would you want to go to a funeral. To show others you actually do care? No idea really but why would you. A last finger up to the NC person and their loved ones that bothered with them? It seems quite petty to go when the most important thing is actions in real life.

Similar to some posting on social media about how wonderful someone is but barely bothering in real life. Odd.

In my case because my dad had a whole lifetime before the woman got her claws into him.
Inspectorslack · 27/01/2022 09:21

And yes @User1isnotavailable you’re victim blaming

MaChienEstUnDick · 27/01/2022 09:21

Your assumption that it is she who was awful to him by going NC is... interesting. Most people don't go NC to hurt someone else, they go NC to protect themselves.

I probably would have said I was NC with my dad, actually he was NC with me and his bitch of a second wife didn't actually tell me he'd died. I only found out after the funeral. That took my agency and choice away from me. I probably wouldn't have gone, but she had no right to bury him without informing me.

Tufty383 · 27/01/2022 09:22

Sil went non contact with Fil and mil 5 years ago after bleeding them both dry. If she dared show her face at either of their future funerals she will feel the wrath of us all. She's devastated them both and to wash her hands of them after everything they've done for her has been appalling.

User1isnotavailable · 27/01/2022 09:22

@WetLookKnitwear

A funeral isn’t just for one person, and it’s not about drama. I think someone who had “cut them out” (I assume that’s what no contact means) should be able to attend along with everyone else. What matters the most is what you had with the person while they were alive anyway.
I agree with your last sentence 'what matters most is what you had with the person when they were alive anyway'. Very true and if that was years of not speaking and no contact whatsoever, that's the bit others remember, not the turning up when the person is dead.

I totally get why people that look after loved ones to the very end find the ones that turn up after the event unhelpful.

ElectraBlue · 27/01/2022 09:23

None of your business frankly...

You seem to pass judgement a bit too easily. You have no real idea as to why she cut off contact. Usually this is not something people do on a whim.

It is her father and the right thing is to inform her of his death and tell her where and when the funeral will take place. It is likely she won't attend anyway but this is not the time to settle grudges...

Redbeanpasta · 27/01/2022 09:23

If you cannot be bothered to stay in touch with the person in real life then why would you want to go to a funeral
Nc is not just you cba, it's exhausting and isolating and tends to be for a very good reason.
I went to the funeral of my mum, had been Nc for years, I needed the closure and yes I cried at the funeral, for the relationship i wish we had, had, that it was over, etc

User1isnotavailable · 27/01/2022 09:24

@Tufty383

Sil went non contact with Fil and mil 5 years ago after bleeding them both dry. If she dared show her face at either of their future funerals she will feel the wrath of us all. She's devastated them both and to wash her hands of them after everything they've done for her has been appalling.
I agree but as others would say on here, don't blame her, she's entitled to attend to find closure or whatever they call it. Apparently it's perfectly acceptable to do that to many people.
Didioverstep · 27/01/2022 09:24

I think it's a hard one. I'm nc with my mum and she wrote to me to say they found a cancerous mass on her kidney. It has been 4 years since I spoke to her. And as awful as it sounds I chose to ignore the letter. She literally destroyed my childhood and I haven't been able to see my siblings because of it. It did make me have a think about whether I would go to her funeral should anything happen. And I still couldn't decide. Until it happens you don't know how you would feel. I'm not sure if I would be welcome either. Turns out she was OK in her next letter so still not use if it was even true!!

PhoboPhobia · 27/01/2022 09:24

Why are people making out that when someone goes no contact, it is a cold and emotionless act.

We have seen hundreds of threads on MN where people are agonising over whether to go NC. It is usually a complex and fraught situation. Also people on this thread are explaining many varying reasons for both going NC with someone AND wanting to attend that persons funeral.

I don't imagine many people go NC and then completely forget about everything that went before, including any good times they had with that person. It is completely obvious why some people would want/need that sort of 'closure'.

It's staggering to me that people can be so brutal and not have the ability to imagine this might be a complex situation and very emotive.

HopefulProcrastinator · 27/01/2022 09:25

My father's sisters haven't spoken to him/us in 20 years. No reason beyond them being self absorbed arseholes and we wouldn't play their games.

I know that when he dies they will try and attend the funeral - I'm happy to get arrested making that impossible. They have absolutely no right to indulge in their performative grief in his name.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 27/01/2022 09:25

@Amandasummers

I feel this way about my brother. He hasn’t spoken to or been there for my dad for more years than I can remember. I don’t want him at the funeral when that time comes.
I agree with this. One of my siblings is NC with our parents. They haven't actually done anything (aside from not giving her every penny they earned over the age of 40...)

I'll do everything in my power to make sure she doesn't find out when and where it is. If she somehow does then I'll do everything in my power to stop her entering the building.