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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not To Support Them

91 replies

SereWontSleep · 25/01/2022 18:45

Oldest DC is almost 20. They have said they are ftm since they were about 15. At the time I thought it was just for attention. DC would flip flop of if they were ftm or if they just wanted to be with someone of the same gender.

DC moved out when they were 18 years old. Every few weeks DC would post a very passive aggressive post about being ftm on facebook. The last line was always along the lines of "Come at me. Tell me what you really think." I would never comment on these posts as I always thought facebook was not the place to hash out what I thought about it.

So on to today. DC posted on facebook that they will be going to a medical appointment to start on male hormones on Feb 10. Now, DC is almost 20. They live on thier own and make their own medical decisions.

Whether or not I agree with the transition is not something I want to debate. I have my opinion, but I still love my DC and will no matter what they decide to do.

Since DC moved out at 18; they have struggled with paying their bills. DC even had to move back in for 6 months at the begining of 2021.

For the last four months DC has not worked. Myself and my parents have been paying for food and utilites for DC and their significant other. Significant other's parents have been paying their rent.

DC messaged me last week to ask for money to pay a vet bill for their cat.

My AIBU is I have considered cutting DC off financially. The medical treatment they are wanting it private pay. My thought is is that if they can afford to have elective medical treatment done, then they should be able to pay for food and rent for themselves.

What are your thoughts?

I am not wanting to discuss whether or not I agree or disagree with DC being transgender. The only thing is if AIBU to cut DC off financially.

PS. I think I have left information out, but I"m not sure what that is. If you have questions please ask. I could use some outside advice on how to deal with this financial situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
SereWontSleep · 25/01/2022 18:47

Edit: I meant to say I will always SUPPORT my DC no matter what they decide to do.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 25/01/2022 18:49

Why are neither of them working?

DiddyHeck · 25/01/2022 18:50

YANBU, I was annoyed they had a cat when they can't take care of themselves financially and then you got to the 'private pay' bit and I realised you're totally being taken the piss out of.

WulyJmpr · 25/01/2022 18:51

Yep now is the time otherwise when would it end otherwise? 20 is old enough to be responsible.

DiddyHeck · 25/01/2022 18:52

@MichelleScarn

Why are neither of them working?
They live on thier own and make their own medical decisions.

From the OP ^^

Cherrysoup · 25/01/2022 18:52

I’d give them a date for when you will no longer buy food etc. Why are neither of them working?

Theunamedcat · 25/01/2022 18:52

Yeah, in light of that information I would say enough is enough now

PonyPatter44 · 25/01/2022 18:52

Why aren't either of them working? There has literally never been a better time to get a job. I certainly wouldn't be supporting a pair of navel-gazing layabouts like this!

Aquamarine1029 · 25/01/2022 18:55

Your child is living in Laa Laa Land. Time for a firm dose of reality.

SantaClawsServiette · 25/01/2022 18:56

No, you aren't being unreasonable. However, I would try and give your dc a bit of a heads up about a change you are going to make, maybe say that after the next month you will be ceasing contributions. Or ask for a plan in terms of finding work.

Depending on the nature of the vet bill, I might pay it this time for the sake of the cat, though I'd suggest people with no reliable jobs or money need to think about not having pets and that it is a one time thing.

Stoop · 25/01/2022 18:58

Transitioning stuff aside- there is no way I would be financially supporting two adults when they’re not even working.

Transitions stuff-
There’s no way I’d financially support my daughter in butchering her own body needlessly.

thewhatsit · 25/01/2022 18:58

I think without a heads up it’s a bit U. I would say that as they are living independently they need to have their own source of income. You’re happy to help out for the next 1-2 months but after that not anymore, you can’t do this forever and they need an incentive to actually earn money…

MichelleScarn · 25/01/2022 19:01

@DiddyHeck

"MichelleScarn

Why are neither of them working?

They live on thier own and make their own medical decisions.

From the OP ^^ " why does living on one's own and making own medical decisions stop someone from working? Genuinely confused unless missed something!?

moomee12 · 25/01/2022 19:06

Isn't the cat insured?

I would pay for the cat on the condition that they send you proof that they've purchased insurance.

But I would not continue to pay for other things financially. If there's a good reason they're not working I would have a tesco groceries order sent to them once a fortnight with basic food.

Rocktheboat56 · 25/01/2022 19:12

You work hard for your money and perhaps through no fault of their own they don't want to. I would be limited anything that is considered not essential for life. I.e. food, water and perhaps a phone bill. If they want to go on holiday or buy a car then that's down to them to get a job.

Surely if they are going to the doctor for these consultions then that costs money? They want that and are happy to pay for it but not the cat or food?

Crunchymum · 25/01/2022 19:13

So this couple have 5 adults financing them?

You are all being taken for utter fools.

PrincessPaws · 25/01/2022 19:15

The transition piece is irrelevant, the two free loading young adults would be the reason I would cut them off. If they want to live like adults, they need to work to pay for it (and if they can't work, they need to claim benefits and live within their means)

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/01/2022 19:15

Wy are they not working but expecting you to pay their bills? Where is the money for their medical treatment coming from?

I think regardless of other issues which are their own business, they are taking the piss financially out of you and the other parents. Time to put your foot down. If they are old enough to make these decisions, they are old enough to pay their own bills.

Ploppy1322 · 25/01/2022 19:16

It's got nothing to do with DC being trans, it's about them being an adult. My parents always said they'd pay for me while I was in education or training but once I left and was able to work I'd have to support myself financially. If I stayed in the family home, they'd charge a (low) monthly rent for food/utilities but once I left the family home I'd get cash at Christmas and birthday and that was it.

TooManyPJs · 25/01/2022 19:16

There is no way I'd be paying my adult DCs basic living expenses when they are living away from home. If they were at home and studying I'd be expecting them to work and contribute to household costs. How have you got into that arrangement? They are both not working and being supported by their parents?

The paying for private medical care is a red herring really. (Although like you I'd be questioning how they can afford this if they can't afford their rent and bills).

I think you are setting them up to fail in life. Life isn't a free ride. If you want to live independently you have to be able to pay for it. As a PP has said they are living in laa laa land and you've enabled it.

Hotcuppatea · 25/01/2022 19:18

You're mad to be enabling this crap. Your DD needs to grow up and start supporting herself and her medical treatments. Her shitty attitude is only going to get worse once she starts on testosterone.

PrincessNikla · 25/01/2022 19:18

@MichelleScarn

Why are neither of them working?
Agree, you are not helping them by paying rent and bills
IncompleteSenten · 25/01/2022 19:19

There's nothing wrong with telling your adult child that it is time they stood on their own two feet.

I'd give them warning though. I will pay X months then no more. You need to find a job.

Meandthesky · 25/01/2022 19:19

They both need to grow up, get jobs and pay their own rent and bills

YANBU to stop funding free loaders

theremustonlybeone · 25/01/2022 19:20

I wouldnt be paying a vets bill for a cat. Did they ask you before getting the cat if you would be paying the vets bills? If not they are taking the piss. It would be a big no for me and I wouldnt be supporting them and advise to get a job.

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