Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not To Support Them

91 replies

SereWontSleep · 25/01/2022 18:45

Oldest DC is almost 20. They have said they are ftm since they were about 15. At the time I thought it was just for attention. DC would flip flop of if they were ftm or if they just wanted to be with someone of the same gender.

DC moved out when they were 18 years old. Every few weeks DC would post a very passive aggressive post about being ftm on facebook. The last line was always along the lines of "Come at me. Tell me what you really think." I would never comment on these posts as I always thought facebook was not the place to hash out what I thought about it.

So on to today. DC posted on facebook that they will be going to a medical appointment to start on male hormones on Feb 10. Now, DC is almost 20. They live on thier own and make their own medical decisions.

Whether or not I agree with the transition is not something I want to debate. I have my opinion, but I still love my DC and will no matter what they decide to do.

Since DC moved out at 18; they have struggled with paying their bills. DC even had to move back in for 6 months at the begining of 2021.

For the last four months DC has not worked. Myself and my parents have been paying for food and utilites for DC and their significant other. Significant other's parents have been paying their rent.

DC messaged me last week to ask for money to pay a vet bill for their cat.

My AIBU is I have considered cutting DC off financially. The medical treatment they are wanting it private pay. My thought is is that if they can afford to have elective medical treatment done, then they should be able to pay for food and rent for themselves.

What are your thoughts?

I am not wanting to discuss whether or not I agree or disagree with DC being transgender. The only thing is if AIBU to cut DC off financially.

PS. I think I have left information out, but I"m not sure what that is. If you have questions please ask. I could use some outside advice on how to deal with this financial situation.

OP posts:
AffIt · 25/01/2022 19:21

I would pay the cat's vet bill, but I couldn't stand back and see an animal suffer, no matter the gripe I have with the human caretaker. I would then insist that the cat is either properly insured or rehomed to people who can afford to take care of it.

Thereafter, said 'child' and significant other get three months, on a highly restricted budget that covers the essentials but nothing else and given to them, to sort themselves out. The budget payment is given as a fixed sum, on a monthly basis (ideally deposited into a bank account) and once it runs out, that's it.

As others have said, the trans issue is negligible. Expecting your life to be paid for if you are, presumably, capable of working for a living, is the issue here.

AlternativePerspective · 25/01/2022 19:22

You need to tell them that as they’re 20 now and living independently you are no longer able or willing to fund them especially given neither of them have jobs and don’t appear to want to work.

Don’t say a word about transitioning or private medical appointments or you will look like you’re cutting them off financially because they’re transitioning and they will use that against you.

Just a simple “as you’re independent now it’s time you stood on your own two feet. I can’t support you financially any more so you will need to get jobs.

Freecuthbert · 25/01/2022 19:22

What a pair of layabouts! Unless there is backstory to this/medical reason why they can't work... but even so, surely they're also getting benefits including housing benefits. Stop funding this couple's laziness, and I presume your daughter is more than welcome to move back in with you if she can't afford to rent?

Original poster
SereWontSleep · 25/01/2022 19:22

Okay, As I said I thought I had forgotten some information. DC has recently got a part time job. Working 24 hours a week. Significant other works 40 hours a week. Has been for awhile.

When it comes to food. I do send an order of food for delivery. I do not just give them money. I know what they would do with the money and it would not be for food.

The cats (they have two) are something I agree with pp on. They should not have a cat if they can not take care of themselves.

I would be willing to pay for the cats appointment. But when I was on the phone with DC yesterday they mentioned that their money was going to a medical appointment. DC asked that if they didn't spend all the money I gave for the cat, could they keep the rest for food.

At the time I didn't think anything of it, until the post my child made this morning. Now I'm wondering if the cat really has an appointment or if DC is trying to get money for their medical needs.

Also for got to mention that we are in the US.

OP posts:
YoComoManzanas · 25/01/2022 19:23

How very odd that you and the other parents are still fully supporting two adults.
Are they students or have some medical reason they can't work?

christingle2 · 25/01/2022 19:24

Honestly I think you sound a bit vindictive, like just say they’re being honest about their gender identity, you’re essentially forcing them to delay treatment because you don’t agree. It’s your money and your choice but it will obviously have a mental impact on them. Maybe at least encourage them to check if the nhs can place a referral for the treatment

Hotcuppatea · 25/01/2022 19:25

What are you buying their food if they're working?

Sideswiped · 25/01/2022 19:25

Let DC know that as soon as they send a copy of the vet's bill, you'll arrange to pay it. You'll soon find out what's going on.

AffIt · 25/01/2022 19:26

When it comes to food. I do send an order of food for delivery. I do not just give them money. I know what they would do with the money and it would not be for food.

Actually, this gets worse: so you can't even trust them to manage such an elementary budget that they would prioritise food (for them and the cats)?

You are infantilising these young adults to a damaging degree.

Also, go and get the cats.

Original poster
SereWontSleep · 25/01/2022 19:26

DC brings home around $800 a month and Significant other $1500. Where they live their rent is $875. Then they have his cell phone for $70. I still pay for DC cell phone. DC is $5600 in debt. Not paying on it. They do not have a car so have to pay $90 a month for bus passes.

I know all this as DC has told me. So I didn't go snooping through things.

OP posts:
FuzzyPuffling · 25/01/2022 19:26

I'd adopt the cat.

Hotcuppatea · 25/01/2022 19:26

@christingle2

Honestly I think you sound a bit vindictive, like just say they’re being honest about their gender identity, you’re essentially forcing them to delay treatment because you don’t agree. It’s your money and your choice but it will obviously have a mental impact on them. Maybe at least encourage them to check if the nhs can place a referral for the treatment
The OP isn't responsible for paying for her daughters elective medical treatment. Her daughter can save for it herself.
Squashfordinner · 25/01/2022 19:28

Would sit them down about the costs of living and that you won't be doing it as much anymore if at all. Be open and Frank

I'd also probe if the social media post was intended for you and if so they.should be adult and tell it to your face...and you don't appreciate family affairs to be aired.

Freecuthbert · 25/01/2022 19:29

@christingle2

Honestly I think you sound a bit vindictive, like just say they’re being honest about their gender identity, you’re essentially forcing them to delay treatment because you don’t agree. It’s your money and your choice but it will obviously have a mental impact on them. Maybe at least encourage them to check if the nhs can place a referral for the treatment
As opposed to the mental impact of young girls and women being groomed by TRA ideology, and irreversibly mutilating their bodies?
Hotcuppatea · 25/01/2022 19:29

If your DD is grown up enough to make decisions like starting hormone treatment, then she's grown up enough to pay for it herself. And pay for her food. And her cats. And her rent. If she doesn't earn enough then maybe she should get a better job.

AffIt · 25/01/2022 19:29

@SereWontSleep

DC brings home around $800 a month and Significant other $1500. Where they live their rent is $875. Then they have his cell phone for $70. I still pay for DC cell phone. DC is $5600 in debt. Not paying on it. They do not have a car so have to pay $90 a month for bus passes.

I know all this as DC has told me. So I didn't go snooping through things.

$2300 is roughly equivalent to £1700. Let's assume after rent that leaves around £800 for bills/food/travel etc, which is considerably more than many families in the UK will have to survive on.

Your kid is taking the piss, big time.

Darbs76 · 25/01/2022 19:30

Definitely time to advise you won’t be supporting them financially. No reason your DC can’t pick up more hours at work. Agree with giving them some notice and I’d probably help the poor cat as I’m a sucker for animals

WonderfulYou · 25/01/2022 19:31

The trans thing is irrelevant - they’re a young adult and need to learn how to manage their money better.

TooManyPJs · 25/01/2022 19:31

Stop paying for them! Why on earth are you doing this and on what basis did you start?

From your breakdown they seem to have plenty of money to support themselves.

Freecuthbert · 25/01/2022 19:31

So $1,425 left after rent is paid. I'm presuming USD? That's a more than what I and many others have left after rent! They don't need financial support.

Zucchiniinabikini · 25/01/2022 19:31

I wouldn't be surprised if they'd been pulling wool over your eyes and actually are working and saving all their wages for the treatment.

ThinWomansBrain · 25/01/2022 19:33

Are you in the UK - just spotted the figures were $ rather than £.
If in the uk, why can't they approach animal medical charities like PDSA or Blue Cross? If they don't meet the financial criteria because they earn but are just mismanaging their money, time for them to learn.
If outside UK, I guess that avenue would depend on whether or not there are similar charities.
Hope that the cat is OK Flowers

moomee12 · 25/01/2022 19:35

Why is your DC only working part time?

They don't sound very responsible.

I would send a delivery of basics such as pasta, bread, potatoes etc once every few weeks but nothing else.

Do they waste money?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/01/2022 19:39

Stop enabling them!

They are both working, yet you and the other set of parents are paying all their bills. Are you mad?

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/01/2022 19:43

They can buy their own food.

Enabling them isn’t helping.