AIBU Not To Support Them

[SereWontSleep]

Oldest DC is almost 20. They have said they are ftm since they were about 15. At the time I thought it was just for attention. DC would flip flop of if they were ftm or if they just wanted to be with someone of the same gender.

DC moved out when they were 18 years old. Every few weeks DC would post a very passive aggressive post about being ftm on facebook. The last line was always along the lines of "Come at me. Tell me what you really think." I would never comment on these posts as I always thought facebook was not the place to hash out what I thought about it.

So on to today. DC posted on facebook that they will be going to a medical appointment to start on male hormones on Feb 10. Now, DC is almost 20. They live on thier own and make their own medical decisions.

Whether or not I agree with the transition is not something I want to debate. I have my opinion, but I still love my DC and will no matter what they decide to do.

Since DC moved out at 18; they have struggled with paying their bills. DC even had to move back in for 6 months at the begining of 2021.

For the last four months DC has not worked. Myself and my parents have been paying for food and utilites for DC and their significant other. Significant other's parents have been paying their rent.

DC messaged me last week to ask for money to pay a vet bill for their cat.

My AIBU is I have considered cutting DC off financially. The medical treatment they are wanting it private pay. My thought is is that if they can afford to have elective medical treatment done, then they should be able to pay for food and rent for themselves.

What are your thoughts?

I am not wanting to discuss whether or not I agree or disagree with DC being transgender. The only thing is if AIBU to cut DC off financially.

PS. I think I have left information out, but I"m not sure what that is. If you have questions please ask. I could use some outside advice on how to deal with this financial situation.

The guy I know who sends the PA Facebook posts started on his GM when his mother tried to extricate herself from the situation. You mention marijuana, it's much stronger that the stuff that was around even in the 90s, enough to affect a person's personality and cause the kind of behaviour you mention.

The behaviour and incidents you described sound so familiar to me. This behaviour can't be indulged or encouraged, I'm sorry this is so hard but you need to be tough for your child's sake.

Based on your update at 19:26:19, there's a combined income of $2300 a month and fixed monthly expenses of $160 (assuming the $90 is bus passes for both), since rent, utils, food, and DC's mobile are all paid by family. That's a surplus of over $2000.

If all of the subsidies stop, they're still bringing in $2300 and paying out a known $1035. That leaves $1265/mo to cover food, utils, DC's mobile, and any other recurring expenses. Can it also stretch to the vet's bill and the hormones, and perhaps to a minimum monthly payment against DC's debt? DC & partner really need to make a budget and stick to it. If what they earn can't cover their fixed costs, they have to either figure out how to bring in more or how to spend less, or both. The budget can include an amount for ad hoc non-necessities like marijuana and doordash, but only if something else changes to accomodate that.

I don't know that I'd use the term "cutting (you) off" when you talk with DP about this, but do say clearly that the current situation can't contine. It's great that the couple have so many adults willing and able to help financially - they are only 20 and the economy is bad - but get them on a even keel supporting themselves, and then be there for an emergency, a loan for something they need and have asked you to consider, an occasional gift, etc. Can you get your parents on board with this too? E.g., it's not that they can't treat and even spoil their grandchild, but do it in a planned and responsible way.

I also would not mention the hormone therapy, except as one of many budgetary expenses if you end up getting into details. It sounds like that one expense was the last straw for you, but I think you'd have had a similar reaction if it had been, say, a big trip or an expensive luxury item. Keep in mind that from DC's perspective the hormones probably are a necessity rather than a luxury and may even seem like the first step to a better life including a better job. But plenty of expenses are necessities, and they still have to fit into the budget somehow.

Making it about their transition is the problem. You shouldn't be cutting g them off because of their medical decisions. But they're adults that need to at least be trying to support themselves financially

@PrincessPaws

The transition piece is irrelevant, the two free loading young adults would be the reason I would cut them off. If they want to live like adults, they need to work to pay for it (and if they can't work, they need to claim benefits and live within their means)

This. What is in their heads/hearts and their pants has nothing to do with them being irresponsible piss takers. I moved out at 18 with a 2 months (out of over a year) rent debt to my 'mother' vs my friend who always had her parents cover her ass, especially when her daughter was born and she just wanted to party. She always treated them like mucky rugs. There is a fine line between supported and spoiled that you need to get on the right side of or DC will never grow up.

@Stoop

Transitioning stuff aside- there is no way I would be financially supporting two adults when they’re not even working.

Transitions stuff-
There’s no way I’d financially support my daughter in butchering her own body needlessly.

This

Also if you have younger children - are you going to contribute this generously to them as well? It's going to get quite pricey.

You might not want to say it straight but basically you don't want any of your money to go towards gender reassignment surgery it's plain that's what the problem is from your OP and when you stop giving money it will be plain to your child too. So maybe rather than make excuses you need to have a conversation about it all with your dc.

So are you asking whether you should stop supporting your dc with their bills? And what does this have to do with their choice to present themselves as a man?

You dont have to keep giving money but, if you dont, what sort of relationship are you going to have? Is there anything left? You certainly dont seem to like them much.

Your last post is appalling. What a brat! She doesn't need your money. Talk to your parents, explain that their financial help is actually not helping and ask them to stop too. You can't do anything about the SO parents.

Your DC and their SO are taking everyone for a ride. You do need to start managing their expectations.

I would start a conversation saying when you are 21 we will stop funding you. As an adult you are expected to stand on your own two feet and support yourself.

After this date if they beg or plead for money for x, depending on the situation you could agree to pay direct e.g. give me the vets details and I will pay them for the cat. Do not give them cash directly. I would suggest to your parents and SOs parents that they also take this approach.

They will probably scream and shout and say hurtful things. They may possibly go NC but you need to do this for their sake. If you don’t do it now their dependency on you and others to fund their lifestyle will only grow. Ask yourself if I don’t do it at 21 what age would I do it 25, 30, 50?
Part of being a parent/grandparent is helping (making) children grow up and become independent adults. To do this you sometimes need to take a tough love approach. Hard to do in the short term but beneficial in 5he long term beneficial.

The transitioning is a red herring. The real issue is your DC and their SO are relying on everyone else to pick up their cost of living and spending their own money on dope and takeaways.

Just stop funding with immediate effect ( except for cat food obviously) . It's up to everyone else if they keep bank rolling the moochers, just let them know that you won't be doing it anymore.

Your DC may well bad mouth you on SM but so what, you're a person not a walking cheque book.

Please stop financially supporting them. My parents financially supported one of my siblings for years including helping them to buy a house and when the money ran out and they couldn't help anymore my sibling behaved terribly and there was a huge falling out. He hasn't spoken to my parents for 3 years except to argue and they're heart broken.

Wouldn't the cost of medically transitioning be an absolute fortune in the USA? How on earth are they thinking they can afford that? Personally I would never pay for my child to do this, mainly because I think it would just be wrong but also because I think in the future there are going to be a hell of a lot of court cases about this and I'm sure parents who pay for the operation will be first in line.

@Meandthesky

They both need to grow up, get jobs and pay their own rent and bills

YANBU to stop funding free loaders

Agree completely!

DC, I've seen your post on FB re paying for the medical treatment so assume you've now sorted your fiancé's and no longer need us to buy you food. I'm happy you've managed to find a way to support yourself.

So this person isn't adult enough to manage their own finances and be a responsible pet owner, but is making life-altering decisions about serious surgery and medication? Do their medical team know about the marijuana use (and its related mental health effects)? I suppose this isn't a medical specialisation famed for its high level of ethics.

OP, I fear you'll be made out to be the Bad Guy whatever happens.