AIBU Not To Support Them

[SereWontSleep]

Oldest DC is almost 20. They have said they are ftm since they were about 15. At the time I thought it was just for attention. DC would flip flop of if they were ftm or if they just wanted to be with someone of the same gender.

DC moved out when they were 18 years old. Every few weeks DC would post a very passive aggressive post about being ftm on facebook. The last line was always along the lines of "Come at me. Tell me what you really think." I would never comment on these posts as I always thought facebook was not the place to hash out what I thought about it.

So on to today. DC posted on facebook that they will be going to a medical appointment to start on male hormones on Feb 10. Now, DC is almost 20. They live on thier own and make their own medical decisions.

Whether or not I agree with the transition is not something I want to debate. I have my opinion, but I still love my DC and will no matter what they decide to do.

Since DC moved out at 18; they have struggled with paying their bills. DC even had to move back in for 6 months at the begining of 2021.

For the last four months DC has not worked. Myself and my parents have been paying for food and utilites for DC and their significant other. Significant other's parents have been paying their rent.

DC messaged me last week to ask for money to pay a vet bill for their cat.

My AIBU is I have considered cutting DC off financially. The medical treatment they are wanting it private pay. My thought is is that if they can afford to have elective medical treatment done, then they should be able to pay for food and rent for themselves.

What are your thoughts?

I am not wanting to discuss whether or not I agree or disagree with DC being transgender. The only thing is if AIBU to cut DC off financially.

PS. I think I have left information out, but I"m not sure what that is. If you have questions please ask. I could use some outside advice on how to deal with this financial situation.

@AffIt: There are somethings that I did not disclose. One of those being that DC and SO both like to take part in marajiuana(I can't spell). So I know that if I give them cash most times this is where it will go. DC and SO also like to order out a lot. Like in one week they spent over $200 on Doordash deliveries of takeout. (This was when they were both working last summer.)

@christingle2: I'm not being vindictive. I think seeing the message has just opened my eyes to where some of my own money is going as when I saw the post I was actually getting ready to venmo my DC money for the cat.

Where we live there is not insurance for pets. I wish there was.

To the person who said to go get the cats. I have four cats of my own or I would have DC cats in a heart beat.

So between you all , you have been paying for rent, utilities and food and vet appointment and they have been paying for a phone and bus passes ?

Well they need to live within their means and not rely on you all to pay for them. That may mean that being part time is too much of a luxury for your DC so they need to go full time or get a second job to supplement their current one

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy: I think I am crazy. I know I should not be paying for all of DC bills. I am realizing this and trying to rectify it.

The problem would be trying to get SO's parents and my parents to stop paying for things.

[quote SereWontSleep]@AffIt: There are somethings that I did not disclose. One of those being that DC and SO both like to take part in marajiuana(I can't spell). So I know that if I give them cash most times this is where it will go. DC and SO also like to order out a lot. Like in one week they spent over $200 on Doordash deliveries of takeout. (This was when they were both working last summer.)

@christingle2: I'm not being vindictive. I think seeing the message has just opened my eyes to where some of my own money is going as when I saw the post I was actually getting ready to venmo my DC money for the cat.

Where we live there is not insurance for pets. I wish there was.

To the person who said to go get the cats. I have four cats of my own or I would have DC cats in a heart beat.[/quote]
FFS it gets worse! It doesn't matter what they like to do, they can't afford to smoke weed and live on takeout, so they can't smoke weed and live on takeout! Shane on all you parents for enabling them

So they can afford drugs and takeaway food they are in debt and can't pay the bills yet they expect you to bail them out financially and pay towards hormone treatment. They are taking the piss

They’re taking the piss. They have a good income, why are you subsidising them?

And it’s very sad that they can pay for weed and take seats but not their cats medical bills. Poor cat!

At 20, although I was a student nurse, I would only go to my mum in a dire emergency

It sounds like from the figures you’ve provided that they’re able to pay for things themselves. With the cell phone contract that you’re paying, you could say that you’ll pay until the end of the contract but when it’s due for renewal, you’ll be discontinuing the contract. I agree that if DC can afford private medical treatment, they can afford to pay for their own rent and food. If they want more spare cash, then they need to work more hours. So IMO YANBU but please be careful that withdrawing the financial support isn’t seen to be as punishment for starting to transition. At 20 they really should be supporting themselves regardless of anything else. In fact, I’d probably be happier if my DS asked me for a contribution towards private medical bills if he’d previously exhibited that he can afford day to day living expenses on his own two feet.

Wow. The more I read, the worse it gets - yet I also feel very sorry for you, OP, because you're clearly over a barrel here.

Your child is acting like a spoilt, manipulative brat, but no matter what, they are still your child and your feelings of guilt must be overwhelming.

However, as they are your child, you are their parent, and you are going to have to get tough, because otherwise you are setting your child up for a life of failure.

I appreciate you can't control what the grandparents, or the other set of parents do, but you can cut the strings and say 'enough'. Take back a bit of control and dignity: if this has been going on for years, it's likely that your self-esteem is in the gutter.

Realistically, will they freeze or starve to death? Probably not, they'll just not be able to sit on their backsides smoking weed and spending £150 a week on takeaway (£150! I didn't even know what £150 looked like when I was in my early 20s).

I am genuinely worried about those poor cats, though.

Why are so many adults paying for these two adults?!!!

Is the transitioning side of things being used to guilt you or something?

Either way, you are being unreasonable for continuing to support them how you are. As lovely as it is, if they have two sets of parents paying their way, they are never going to find the motivation to stand on their own two feet.

YANBU to stop with the hand outs. I would pay for the cat but insist on paying the vet bills direct.

The problem would be trying to get SO’s parents and my parents to stop paying for things.

You can’t control what others do. With your parents, you can of course let them know that the couple have their rent paid and let them know how much that leaves them with and that they are squandering it on take aways and weed. Hopefully it will deter them from giving cash. With the other parents, I would say nothing; your actions risk being interpreted as meddling both by the parents and the couple.

You are not being unreasonable. In the circumstances, and I know it’s hard as you don’t want dc to suffer but maybe for now just send them a food shop per week, and if you want to ask if the vet could send any bills directly to you.
I was also a very silly twenty one year old who got bailed out by my parents a lot. However I worked, two sometimes three jobs and always prioritised rent and bills I would never have got a pet as too expensive. It does seem dc need to learn the rule that you can truly only become independent if you pay for it.
The medical costs are a separate issue, if you don’t agree you are within you rights to not pay for any of it. Would it be possible for your dc to get a better job with better health insurance coverage?

So four adults are paying for two adults to sit around getting high and order take aways?

They're playing you like fiddles, and it doesn't stop there. Once they realise they're totally incapable of "adulting" it will be all your fault and your permanent responsibilty. I know a couple of guys like this, the PA Facebook posts really jumped out to me and they're like overgrown moody teenagers, but they're middle aged men. Insufferable, can't hold down a job or manitain a relationship and make their mother's lives hell.

Nip it in the bud now! this enabling isn't helping either of them.

ah, OP. You have been taken for a ride!

You can't control anyone else, but I'd tell your DC that the money tree has shriveled up and died. They have more disposable income than many, and are wasters, but that is their choice. Up to them what they spend on. Up to you what you do. Spending on them? Good money after bad!

They should pay their own rent and bills but I don’t think you should bring up the cost of the medical procedure regardless of if they are paying privately. It comes across as though on a subconscious level you think that cutting DC off now will prevent them going through with this transition you are not entirely sure about.

If you can afford to keep helping them out can you discuss stopping this after their procedure? It is presumably better to give them warning anyway rather than just cutting them off out of the blue as it may take a while to find new jobs.

Why does DC only work PT?

Surely if they want more money they need to get a FT job.

I’m not against helping people financially but they need to learn to budget for their own good.

You obviously need to stop funding them, but there will (equally obviously!) be a major tantrum over that.
I think you should work out a way of wording it, so that they can't make this about you being against the transition. Given that they seem quite keen to paint themselves as a persecuted minority (from the Facebook posts picking a fight about it), that might be tricky. But regardless of identity, any able-bodied adult should be paying their own bills and buying their own food.

Brace yourself and prepare for drama, and probably for them cutting contact for a while. It will be hard on you, but the alternative is to give them everything they demand until you die, I'm afraid.

Why on earth do you give them money when they're spending all theirs on weed and take aways?

No wonder they're taking the piss.

Medical care is very expensive. But they have two completely discretionary expenditures (drugs and pets) that are not necessary. Responsible adults understand if you cannot afford something you cannot do it. They have not got it yet. The only way they will is if you withdraw support. However, you will be in the position of being the scapegoat if the others keep paying, and it will probably be blamed on transphobia. They have already shown themselves to be manipulative, so the likelihood that they will accept that they are taking the piss is vanishingly small. Sorry. I would phase out what you pay as soon as possible. And tell the others that you are doing so.

Assuming they are in UK why aren't they getting universal credit? That would pay the rent and some living money!!

@Zeewest

Assuming they are in UK why aren't they getting universal credit? That would pay the rent and some living money!!

The OP has said several times they are not in the UK and quoted figures in dollars.

I have wondered for awhile if DC would cut contact.

There was an incident right have Christmas where my mother and I were taking DC home. (DC lives 40 miles away and no public transit) DC got mad as halfway to DC home we had to turn around due to deteriorating road conditions. (Snow making it too bad to drive).

DC screamed bloody murder all the way back to my home, telling DC grandmother (my mother) to Shut up Shut up Shut up.

SO also texted me while I was driving accusing me of kidnapping DC. I saw this when I got home as I was not going to look at it while driving.

The next day when weather was better we were able to get DC home.

DC was told that there would be no more rides anywhere and don't even ask. DC didn't talk to me for a week after this. Instead DC called my parents to pay for things. I'm surprised that they did considering the yelling DC did at my mother.

My mother even appologized at getting mad at DC. I told my mother that she should not have apologized as DC should not have been screaming at everyone to shut up and to take her home immediately. Even if it meant my mother and I would get stuck in the snow or possibly get into an accident because of road conditions.

At this point I had cut down contact with DC as I wasn't going to indulge in that kind of behavior.

No with the post and the money I realize I am a mug. I am letting DC walk all over me.

I can't do that anymore as I have an 18 month DD at home that is watching what I do.

@SereWontSleep - I am so sorry, this sounds like a horrible situation for you. I would guess that DC and/or SO believe that life has been hard for them and they are therefore entitled to special treatment. And that things that they would have a meltdown about if it was done to them should just be ok if they do it. I hope your parents will also see sense and stop enabling. It is undoubtedly hard for people with gender dysphoria (and I have no doubt that is a real thing and that people really suffer), but I also think that MH, gender dysphoria and attention issues are also used by people who have a generally entitled view of life to excuse their bad behaviour and demand preferential treatment.