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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell my older brothers this..

111 replies

Capricorn8990 · 25/01/2022 13:58

So today I found out following a scan that my dad sadly has Alzheimer's. I'm usually the person who messages my brothers to let them know when he has been admitted to hospital and I update them on his progress. They never text him or call my mum and basically wait for my updates.. they've not bothered with them for some time but I update them cos they can't say they didn't know..

Do you think I should message them or wait until they call or text my dad which is very unlikely.. would I be unreasonable not to tell them?

My parents have tried over the years to communicate with them but they just don't seem to care.

OP posts:

IncompleteSenten · 25/01/2022 13:59

If they cared, they'd keep in contact.
I'd leave it.
Focus on your parents.

IamnotSethRogan · 25/01/2022 14:00

I'm sorry to hear this. I would text them. It's not the time to be playing games. You'll feel better knowing you've done the right thing.

Justilou1 · 25/01/2022 14:00

Fuck them… they’ll find out at probate like my brotherZ

AlDanvers · 25/01/2022 14:01

I think if you ha e updated them to this point, this is such a big thing you should tell him.

Then tell him if he wants further updates, then he needs to get in touch and you won't be automatically be updating.

PragmaticWench · 25/01/2022 14:05

Whilst I completely understand why you wouldn't tell them, in this case I think you should. As poor as their communication with your parents has been, if you don't tell them then they could miss out on talking with your DF now, whilst he's in a better state of mind.

I can see an argument for saying if they didn't bother before then it's their loss, but maybe do it this once.

Santahasjoinedww · 25/01/2022 14:12

Surely it isn't your information to share?

DPotter · 25/01/2022 14:14

Do your parents want them to be informed or have you assumed this?

Some people don't want others to know about diagnoses such as cancer and dementia. Maybe check with your parents first

Danikm151 · 25/01/2022 14:15

Tell them, it may be the kick they need to actually communicate or may be the breaking point for you to let go of contacting them.

picklemewalnuts · 25/01/2022 14:15

Do your parents want to keep the information from them?

It sounds as if your reluctance to tell them comes from anger and hurt- which I totally get. However it's not the best motive for decisions in this situation.

I'd tell them, but say that you won't necessarily be forwarding detailed information to them in future as you'll be focussing on your parents' needs.

Are they simply lazy and disinterested or actively malign? I ask because you may not want them swooping in and taking over when your mum and dad are vulnerable to pressure.

Have you got PoA sorted out, etc?

SmolCat · 25/01/2022 14:16

It’s not your news to share but as you usually communicate with them then it feels a bit like game playing not to say anything at all.

I think I would say “you need to call dad” and leave it at that. You can’t force a relationship and maybe they’re going low contact for a reason.

(Equally, your dad could be calling them.)

Ponoka7 · 25/01/2022 14:16

If you've updated them previously then you should do so now. If you no longer want to, then tell them first. It will save you grief further down the line, when you don't need it.
There must be reasons why they are NC.

2pinkginsplease · 25/01/2022 14:16

I wouldn’t tell them , if they were interested they would contact you or your dad.

My mum had a stroke a couple of years ago, I told my brother and he never replied so I didn’t update him! He’s an arse and only cares about himself and the hard life he has had.

REP22 · 25/01/2022 14:17

I would text them, just in a matter-of-fact way and, like others have said, tell them to get in touch if they would like updates or more information. If they don't respond, that's on them (and they should probably be ashamed of themselves), but then they cannot come at you further down the road and give you grief for not telling them. Then, whatever happens, you can hold your head up and know that you did the right thing even if they chose not to react.

Not Alzheimers, but my mum had significant head trauma a couple of years ago. I had a difficult internal debate about whether or not to tell my brother. I did, and am very glad that I did.

I'm really sorry about your dad's diagnosis, and that you are having to deal with it without your brothers' support. Every good wish to you. x

stitchy · 25/01/2022 14:23

It's just more emotional labour on your plate, don't accept it - It doesn't even sound like you're thanked for it. It's not your job to manage other peoples' relationships and pick up their slack.

My Dad has Alzheimers too and my eldest brother rarely gets in touch. He occasionally has a hissy fit that he doesn't get told things but he left the family WhatsApp group (we all assumed it was some sort of flounce/attention bid but we never asked so still not sure why). I live close by to my parents so am happy to update the others as they make an effort and care. I have more sympathy for them in some ways as the decline in my Dad hits them harder between visits whereas it feels more gradual to me as I see him a couple of times a week.

I'm so sorry about your Dad x

TabithaTittlemouse · 25/01/2022 14:26

Why are they low contact with your parents?

I’m low contact with one of my parents because they are and have always been abusive towards me. I contact them on their birthday and at Christmas. However if they have something like this going on my siblings would inform me.

Does your mum not talk to your siblings?

GiantHaystacks2021 · 25/01/2022 14:28

@Santahasjoinedww

Surely it isn't your information to share?

Always one worthy. rolls eyes Getting in early too, I see.

bluebeau · 25/01/2022 14:29

I dont think you would be unreasonable to not tell them but i think you should. You don't want them to ever say ''well you never told me, if id of known blablah'' excuses so just tell them and if they are the way they are you know they wont bother anyway and your conscious is clear.

I was ''you'' when my mom was still here.. always texting my brothers when she was well/not well etc. but i always told them what was going on regardless of their help or input

CraftyGin · 25/01/2022 14:30

@Capricorn8990

Do you think I should message them or wait until they call or text my dad which is very unlikely.. would I be unreasonable not to tell them?

My parents have tried over the years to communicate with them but they just don't seem to care.

Tell them.

theemmadilemma · 25/01/2022 14:39

Tell them. Give them the option. Be that bigger person. Don't let it be something you regret. Let it be something they regret if they chose not to action it.

ilovemybeachhut · 25/01/2022 14:41

Tell them, then the ball is in their court if they want updates, personally I couldn't be bothered chasing them. Your dm should be your main concern to give her emotional support with df at this difficult time and help arrange outside help if and when it's needed.
It's bad that this lands on a womans shoulders as usual but unless you walk away from it who can your parents turn too? Not their lazy arse ds who will rock up in the future caps in hand for you know what.

Hankunamatata · 25/01/2022 14:43

I send a text - I'd tell them dad had some bad news and they need to call him or mum

Gwenhwyfar · 25/01/2022 14:47

@Santahasjoinedww

Surely it isn't your information to share?

Do you expect a person with Alzheimer's to do it themselves?

Fredstheteds · 25/01/2022 14:48

I would say - can we do a 3 way chat to discuss dads health- if they don’t respond then you can’t say you didn’t try

Santahasjoinedww · 25/01/2022 14:53

Op's dm is in a better place to inform them. I eye rolling surely is for teenagers?

noctu · 25/01/2022 15:01

Is the Alzheimer's early stage/mild, or moderate/severe?

If it's early stage and your Dad has capacity (even fluctuating capacity) then however hard it is, it's not your news to tell.

Does your Dad want to tell them?

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