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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell my older brothers this..

111 replies

Capricorn8990 · 25/01/2022 13:58

So today I found out following a scan that my dad sadly has Alzheimer's. I'm usually the person who messages my brothers to let them know when he has been admitted to hospital and I update them on his progress. They never text him or call my mum and basically wait for my updates.. they've not bothered with them for some time but I update them cos they can't say they didn't know..

Do you think I should message them or wait until they call or text my dad which is very unlikely.. would I be unreasonable not to tell them?

My parents have tried over the years to communicate with them but they just don't seem to care.

OP posts:

impossible · 25/01/2022 15:56

I think you did the right thing. It's up to your dbs now but if there's the slightest possibility they might offer your dm a little support it's worth a try, particularly as your parents want them to know.

Sorry you're going though this.

Tal45 · 25/01/2022 15:56

Well done for telling them even if they don't really deserve to have you keeping them updated.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/01/2022 16:00

You did the right thing. Now focus on caring for yourself and giving support to your parents.

I'd say there's no need to update your brothers any further as your dad's dementia progresses. You've told them he has Alzheimer's and unless they are monumentally stupid they know it gets worse. If they choose not to involve themselves, that's on them to live with. No point in you wasting effort to try and keep them informed or having the pain when they don't respond.

Zilla1 · 25/01/2022 16:02

It sounds like you will have a lot on your plate, OP, with hopefully healthy babies and supporting your parents to the extent you can so it might be an idea to remind your brothers to contact your parents in future, perhaps using the pregnancy as a reason. It probably won't be the last situation that might cause you anxiety.

Good luck.

forlornlorna · 25/01/2022 16:02

When my step father was sick I let his children know. They didn't bother with him. They had their reasons I didn't judge. But I,like yourself didn't want to have to keep passing messages in,giving updates. I I told them all the situation, what was wrong with him, his contact details and told them I wouldn't be passing anymore news on. It was up to them to contact him if they wanted to.

Sadly they didn't bother but fine I did my bit

Best of luck op

EmmaH2022 · 25/01/2022 16:04

@Ahhwoofwoof

I would never forgive my sibling for not telling me and gate-keeping information like this. You are using this diagnosis as a weapon. It won't end well.

Not at all Prior to my dad dying, my siblings didn't keep in touch much either.

I was aged 25 when I said "I am not an information kiosk - keep in touch yourself or accept you're not in the loop".

They still didn't bother till he got really ill. At that point, it's not keeping secrets. If someone never phones and asks how you are, they won't know the answer and they have to be okay with the fact that family stuff will run without them.

Justilou1 · 25/01/2022 16:07

Please get POA sorted first. They’re both vulnerable and open to manipulation.

Justilou1 · 25/01/2022 16:08

*And Enduring POA, and Financial POA. They’re all separate.

Wildrobin · 25/01/2022 16:13

I know this isn’t the issue but it seems strange it isn’t your mum reaching out to them. I’m glad they know though, however out of touch they’ve been

TeacupDrama · 25/01/2022 16:15

you need to get POA sorted really quickly otherwise if he doesn't understand it might be too late for your dad to sign, you need to have enough capacity to know exactly what you are doing / signing

TeacupDrama · 25/01/2022 16:16

we tried to do this for my MIL but she had progressed too far so needed to involve courts of protection which made it much much harder and more expensive

Original poster

Capricorn8990 · 25/01/2022 16:17

@Ahhwoofwoof

I would never forgive my sibling for not telling me and gate-keeping information like this. You are using this diagnosis as a weapon. It won't end well.

Why do posters like you do stuff like this? I'm pregnant, I've got OCD, work quite a stressful job whilst trying to make sure my elderly parents are okay and keep people informed. I just don't want constant questions from them when they could just contact my mum or go and see them. Bloody hell 😞

OP posts:

EmmaH2022 · 25/01/2022 16:18

@Justilou1

*And Enduring POA, and Financial POA. They’re all separate.

It's now Lasting Power of Attorney

Finance is one
Health is another

1forAll74 · 25/01/2022 16:18

I would tell them, but not by texting, phoning is better, or a short letter.

Original poster

Capricorn8990 · 25/01/2022 16:19

@Wildrobin

I know this isn’t the issue but it seems strange it isn’t your mum reaching out to them. I’m glad they know though, however out of touch they’ve been

My mum has tried in the past and she does send them gifts and cards on birthdays but I'm not sure if she feels like she can openly talk to them out of the blue.. it's been an ongoing issue in the family.. x

OP posts:

gsaoej · 25/01/2022 16:20

I would message them and tell them straight and tell them that your parents need their help.

purpleplan · 25/01/2022 16:21

Just wanted to reiterate what people have said about getting POA urgently. I was in this situation with FIL, just managed to get POA while it was still possible - ie while he was considered able to make this decision for himself. It really made a huge difference in lots of ways, so please do prioritise it.

Original poster

Capricorn8990 · 25/01/2022 16:22

@goingpearshaped

Ican see you have told them but I just wanted to say that I am really sorry to hear your news about your Dad *@Capricorn8990*. I hope your older system is supportive. Sounds like you have a lot going on.

Thank you very much. I do have a very good sister and another brother (lots of us). Basically I'm adopted and I'm the youngest and parents are in their early eighties. I feel that cos I'm the youngest and because of my circumstances in being adopted I owe it to my parents to be there for them as anyone would. They mean the world to me and I don't like seeing them get hurt by other people x

OP posts:

Original poster

Capricorn8990 · 25/01/2022 16:24

@jobobpip08

I'm sorry for you all, it is an awful disease. My Dad has alzheimers too. Not a today job, but to do in the very near future if you haven't already - get a lasting power of attorney in place. It will make things much easier. Also worth checking things like wills to make sure they're up to date. He might be forgetting things but still have capacity to sign legal documents, but later on he won't. Don't leave it too long though, the point that he can't remember being told his diagnosis shows how the disease has already progressed.

I think you already know that some of the burden of his care will fall to you. NOw you have a confirmed diagnosis, start looking into what support is available for your Mum and Dad, particularly for your Mum as she will be his 24/7 carer as he gets worse. It is a lot of pressure/stress and trust me - Mums don't tell you everything and don't always take up support offered. Alzheimer charity too www.alzheimers.org.uk/

It must also be hard to be pregnant and hear this diagnosis, you need to look after you too. Hopefully your brothers will have a bit of a wake up call and if they offer to help take them up on it - lots of different things they can do to support the family (I found it easier with my brother to not have too many expectations then I wasn't disappointed by what he did/didn't do so ended up just telling him what needed doing).

Take care of you all x

Thank you for the advice and I'm sorry your dad has it. My dad is due to start medication which I'm collecting tomorrow and a team of medical professionals will be in touch..

May I ask how things progress.. well not progress but what happens? He thought we were in September and thought my birthday was March even though it's January.

I'll have a look at the information you sent me! X

OP posts:

VioletLemon · 25/01/2022 16:26

From what you've said you'd perhaps feel bad if you didn't tell them. You could share the information but make it clear it's upto them to follow up if they want as you won't be able to. Sorry to hear this news, focus on getting the advice you need to help you and to support your parents. There is lots of helpful support out there and online.

Original poster

Capricorn8990 · 25/01/2022 16:27

Ahhh I'm trying to reply to everyone and their well wishes for me and my family! Thank you and thank you for the advice about the POA I will definitely start looking into this on my rest days!

Thanks again x

OP posts:

VioletLemon · 25/01/2022 16:28

Did tell themoops.

VickyEadieofThigh · 25/01/2022 16:29

@IamnotSethRogan

I'm sorry to hear this. I would text them. It's not the time to be playing games. You'll feel better knowing you've done the right thing.

This. It really isn't and when they find out - even if they really don't care about your Dad - they will be angry with you.

Tell them and then how they react is down to them.

Alcemeg · 25/01/2022 16:31

Just let them know with a quick message. At least they then have the option to attempt communication while there's some of your dad left. Withholding this information might seem a bit like a slap for their carelessness in the past. Sorry for the sad news.

Original poster

Capricorn8990 · 25/01/2022 16:32

Yes I did tell them. I said that if they want more information to contact mum cos it's a lot for me to deal with whilst pregnant. I advised they contact dad before he gets worse - if he does quickly.. hopefully the medicine will help

OP posts:

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