To not tell my older brothers this..

[Capricorn8990]

So today I found out following a scan that my dad sadly has Alzheimer's. I'm usually the person who messages my brothers to let them know when he has been admitted to hospital and I update them on his progress. They never text him or call my mum and basically wait for my updates.. they've not bothered with them for some time but I update them cos they can't say they didn't know..

Do you think I should message them or wait until they call or text my dad which is very unlikely.. would I be unreasonable not to tell them?

My parents have tried over the years to communicate with them but they just don't seem to care.

I have been in this situation, only it was informing my ex that his father has Parkinson's.

I put aside all my personal feelings and did the right thing. Told him and then left it at that. No updates, no telling him how much his Dad would love to see him. I did as much (or as little) as a decent human would do.

Surely someone will have to contact them when setting up a power of attorney? The names and addresses of close relatives have to be entered on the form. This obviously includes all children of the subject of the order. Is your mother setting this in motion?

Whether you inform them in advance is up to you but this isn't the time for petty games between siblings.

I would tell them once and leave the ball in their court as to whether they respond or not. What does your mother think? Assuming there's no big back story, she must be saddened to have such uncaring offspring.

Yes message them.

Then call and explain you cant cope with always having g to factor in phoning them and they need to instigate from now x

As this is such a definitive diagnosis, put yourself first…by making sure that your parents are OK, with support packages in place AND anything legal i.e. POAs & updating/writing of wills done right now whilst each parent has capacity.

Your father’s consultant can help you with your father’s mental capacity for POA & wills etc. I’d enlist their support now because if there are any sibling challenges in the future, that mental capacity was clinically assessed at the time of legal decision making/document signing will go a very long way & save you a huuuge amount of aggro.

Everything dealt with, parents settled into supported calm routine, then check in with them if they want your brothers to know.

Put yourself first by managing the situation wisely, otherwise you will be run ragged.

I would tell them about the diagnosis and make clear that if they want to know any further information to get in touch. Then leave it at that

@Thymeout yes, you are right about the POA stage of informing others.
Ty for reminding me.

In that case, I’d support your parents’s making/updating their wills, & this includes estate planning, as it is their wishes that count. They can include their children in the dispersal of their estate as much or as little as they wish. Most people make their wills without any referral to the opinion or preferences of the beneficiaries. It is in your parents best interest to write/update their wills sooner than later - btw, this applies to us all.

I would ask your parents if they want this diagnosis confirming and if so, inform your brothers. If not then I wouldn't tell them the diagnosis. Either way, I would then send a message that they will need to contact your parents directly if they want further updates if you no longer want to do this.

My brother was an arse to my parents, and my only communication with him for 13 years was to tell him that one or the other was in hospital. Bit I'm glad that I did take the higher position with that (and mums brother who never bothered to go and see her, even though I wrote and said that if they wanted to see her and communicate it was then or never) as I didn't have any regrets when my parents died. The day the house sold and I knew I never needed to communicate with him again was great though

Thank you for all the responses.. hopefully will cover all questions here.

"Surely it isn't your information to share?" My dad has already forgotten twice what he's been told.. and my mum is incredibly emotional. I don't think that response was at all necessary.. he's also forgetting what his mobile is and thinks it's a remote.

They have given me permission to share this news.

I'd like to add that I am 16 weeks pregnant and I suffer from anxiety so it's a lot to take in at once.

I am going to message them on a group chat and say that dad has been given a diagnosis about his health and to call mum directly for more information.

Thank you x

I would make the decision based entirely on how easy or difficult they will make this situation for you and your father. My mother is going through a similar situation and the sibling dynamic is making things absolutely horrible. In your shoes you need to consider whether your brothers will help you with caring for your father, dealing with medical staff, social workers etc or will the muscle in and want to take over? Will they pressure about things like wills and next of kin and who makes what decisions? They don’t seem too involved now- I’d take some time to mull it over.

The names and addresses of close family are not put on the power of attorney form, only that of the donor and attorneys.

If your dad still has mental capacity according to the consultant get POA done asap we did this when dad was diagnosed, its when you have to apply to be a deputy if he has lost capability that it gets very complicated and expensive.

@DPotter

Do your parents want them to be informed or have you assumed this?

Some people don't want others to know about diagnoses such as cancer and dementia. Maybe check with your parents first

I had already checked with them and they confirmed it was OK

@Santahasjoinedww

Surely it isn't your information to share?

I got permission from my parents.

I think that is the best way, OP. If you have sent them messages previously even though they have shown little interest, then I don't think you should make a stand about it by not telling them something big like this. But be short and factual and tell them from then on to follow it up themselves.

@picklemewalnuts

Do your parents want to keep the information from them?

It sounds as if your reluctance to tell them comes from anger and hurt- which I totally get. However it's not the best motive for decisions in this situation.

I'd tell them, but say that you won't necessarily be forwarding detailed information to them in future as you'll be focussing on your parents' needs.

Are they simply lazy and disinterested or actively malign? I ask because you may not want them swooping in and taking over when your mum and dad are vulnerable to pressure.

Have you got PoA sorted out, etc?

I don't think we have POA sorted yet.. their wills are but not sure about anything else at the moment x

@Santahasjoinedww

Surely it isn't your information to share?

What ridiculous comment, she's not a stranger, she's their daughter.

@sonjadog yep, I've told them. I did say the diagnosis but said if they want to know more to contact mum. I said maybe text dad sooner rather than later in case he were to deteriorate quickly.

In previous situations I've always messaged them but my partner and older sister told me not to bother. Im the youngest but feel they should always have been told but I did get fed up with their lack of care towards their own parents when they are literal angels x

Thank you @AuntMargo I think that one was a troll.. x

Tell them. Then if they want to help, they have all the information. And they can't accuse you of withholding it further down the line.

Now doesn't feel like the time to be scoring points, to be honest.

Tell you brothers, and tell them it's now up to them to contact your parents as you will be focusing on them in future, instead of having to be some sort of go-between.

Ican see you have told them but I just wanted to say that I am really sorry to hear your news about your Dad @Capricorn8990. I hope your older system is supportive. Sounds like you have a lot going on.

Sister! Sorry!

I'm sorry for you all, it is an awful disease. My Dad has alzheimers too. Not a today job, but to do in the very near future if you haven't already - get a lasting power of attorney in place. It will make things much easier. Also worth checking things like wills to make sure they're up to date. He might be forgetting things but still have capacity to sign legal documents, but later on he won't. Don't leave it too long though, the point that he can't remember being told his diagnosis shows how the disease has already progressed.

I think you already know that some of the burden of his care will fall to you. NOw you have a confirmed diagnosis, start looking into what support is available for your Mum and Dad, particularly for your Mum as she will be his 24/7 carer as he gets worse. It is a lot of pressure/stress and trust me - Mums don't tell you everything and don't always take up support offered. Alzheimer charity too www.alzheimers.org.uk/

It must also be hard to be pregnant and hear this diagnosis, you need to look after you too. Hopefully your brothers will have a bit of a wake up call and if they offer to help take them up on it - lots of different things they can do to support the family (I found it easier with my brother to not have too many expectations then I wasn't disappointed by what he did/didn't do so ended up just telling him what needed doing).

Take care of you all x

I would never forgive my sibling for not telling me and gate-keeping information like this. You are using this diagnosis as a weapon. It won't end well.

@Ahhwoofwoof

I would never forgive my sibling for not telling me and gate-keeping information like this. You are using this diagnosis as a weapon. It won't end well.

No, she really isn't doing this at all.

She's trying to do the best thing in a dreadful situation and asking for a bit of advice on what to do with siblings who generally don't engage.